Hi all,
we've been married for 12 years now and through out most of our marriage, I've been the irrisponsible one with different issues (legal and emotional) that have tried and tested out marriage. She's come back and helped me work though my issues and rebuilding her trust.

Back in '06 a man/friend she works with confessed her "love" to her and his explicit sexual desired for her. She did kiss him and told me she regretted it and in turn used that energy to try and refuel the fires of our relationship and marriage. We were very sexually active for a short while during which time she became pregnant with our second child. The pregnancy brought up some issues that prohibitted love making, but I was ok with that. About half way through the pregnancy I was laid off and she subsequently got a huge promotion. It was a no-brainer that I could and should stay at home and take care of the kids instead of working just to pay for day care.

Over the course of the past 3 years, our lives have become much more stable and I have worked overtime on getting rid of my issues and avoiding thier triggers, which has made me a better person.

Fast forward to this past March and my wife starts to feel a little distant from me and begins to desire sex less and less claiming that it was work stress. I tried (as a guy would) to convince her that it would help with the stress. But she started pulling back and away from our entire family. I know she works hard but I couldn't figure out what the change was at that point. I was wrapped up with household, kids, chores, and the nuts and bolts of our home life 100%.

Then towards the end of April something in my gut just really felt wrong. I knew something was amiss and tried to talk to her about our relationship and marriage but usually to no avail. I tried to initial some sort of sexual contact but was getting rejected at every turn and decided that I could take care of those needs myself - and got caught.

So then all of a sudden everything crashes down that I've disrepected her, lied to her, broken the trust and I got blamed for building the Berlin wall. The emotions and windfall that came forth were way out of proportion for the offense. I tried to simply explain that I still have feelings and desires for her that she wasn't meeting, but that just made things worse. My desires for her seemed to grow the further away she pulled and withdrew her touch and affection.

Within days of the conflict, I started asking hard questions about what was going on why she had been so reactive towards me and everything started to fall into place. It wasn't about the imagery, but trying to start a fight. She had been seeing the guy from the year before on the side. They were having lunch everyday and were spending time and energy on each other. The OM has had a previous affair and lives in a loveless marriage, and I guess his previous choices were coming to light again. I was monitoring her cellphone use and following some emails and discovered the depth of thier relationship which was pretty much a full on affair without the intercourse. Lots of touching and kissing, talking and sharing.

She told me that she just wasn't "IN LOVE" with me anymore but that she does love me and care for me (which makes no sense to me) She left for several days in June as some sort of trial seperation but she still called on the phone 3-4 times a day which doesn't allow much seperation. During this few days I noticed a call (from an unknown number) on her cell at 5:45 in the morning for several minutes. I asked her who the number was and she tried to brush it off. I told her I had not called the number yet and would give her the chance to tell me who it was. She again brushed it off as telemarketting. I explained to her that there wer laws governing when those calls could be made and that if it truly were the call wouldn't nave lasted 5 minutes. I finally accepted that she didn't would tell me, so I told her I was going to call the number and put it on an internet trace. She came clean and told me it was the other guy. I LOST IT and another argument insued.

We've had several long cenversations since and she says nothing has changed for her in the past 3 years, whilie everything has changed for me and I thought we were happily married just a couple of months ago.

She has quit seeing and talking to the OM at his point, but only as of the past couple of weeks. I wrote her a couple of very heartfelt letters and she said she would agree to some sort of coucelling/help and try to work things out and rebuild our marriage. But she is still intentionally withholding any affections and all amotions from me. In the past two weeks I've read the Mort Fertal books, Dr Laura, and been reading all the info here. I'm trying to make the efforts and take somefirst step, but feel like she just knocks everything back in my court with some emotionless volley.

We can't affourd for her to move out and she doesn't want to move in with any of her friends for any amount of time. I do so love her and want to work things out, but it's beginning to feel so hopeless. Thanks for letting me vent.

Does this ever get better? And how long and how many attempts should I keep working at this wihtout her input and stepping in to make some sort of minimal efftort?

#1 she's most likely lying and has moved the affair underground.

You need to get a voice activated recorder hidden in her car at once as she is now going to yak it up with him on the way to work.

This needs to happen TODAY!

No matter how bad what you hear is, gather undeniable evidence as she is going to turn into a hate filled alien and call you insane, then the source of ALL of the problems in the marriage.

She has ZERO respect for you and is going to show it in force really soon.

You need to brace yourself for the incoming broadside from her.

Hey Philip.

Start reading everything you can here about Plan A, Plan B, Emotional Needs and Love Busters. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair as soon as you can. I would strongly recommend you getting an appointment with the Harleys as soon as possible.

Understand, that as long as they work together the affair will continue. It may not always be "hot" but it will continue to smoke and will eventually start again. I have not seen a single example on these boards of a recovered marriage happening if the adulterers remain at the same company. That includes my own marriage.

Is the OM married? If he is then this needs to be exposed to his wife as soon as possible.


As long as they are in contact at their employer, you will make NO progress at all.

The adultery must end and No Contact for life must be achieved.

Sorry you had to come here. Read everything. Call the Harleys. You need a plan of action and they know how to do this.

Oh, and based on what I read in your post, the adultery has crossed every line of fidelity. Be prepared to find out your WW has had sex with OM and probably multiple times.

Until you know for sure, do not have any SF with your WW. If you do get to the recovery road, you will both need to be tested for STDs.

It gets better and better doesn't it?

Pariah is spot on ... in addition, I'd suggest that you get a DNA test on your youngest child as there is a definite possibility that it may not be yours. WW's are the most evil of creatures ... there is little that they will not do to protect themselves and justify their actions.

PLEASE DON'T DISCOUNT THE ADVICE YOU ARE RECEIVING!!!

NONE of us thought that our WW's were capable of doing some of the things that they did ... unfortunately, yours is no different.

There it is, he is married.

You need to expose to his wife as soon as possible.

Who said it is a loveless marriage? Your WW? The OM? They both are proven liers.

Truth is like you, OMW may think everything is fine in her marriage.

She needs to know, and exposure is your strongest weapon to kill the adultery.

Exposure is like a big ole can of Raid.

It kills affairs dead.

The first step is for you to quickly (very quickly) come to the understanding that you do not need your WW. You would prefer to remain married to her and recover, but YOU DO NOT NEED HER.

And then when you believe this you need to sit her down and tell her that. She NEEDS to understand that you do not NEED her.

Drop all clingy, begging, moping behaviors now. Don't follow her around telling her, "I love you." Don't talk about the relationship. It is a waste of time right now. She can't hear you and will use anything you do say as added justification for her behavior.

You will survive without her. Believe that. Then make her believe that.

Thanks for all the advice, at least now I've gotten over the knotted stomach and am getting some sleep again.
One of the things I've seen mentioned more than once is not making the most too quickly.
I'm trying to let things settle for a couple of months (while keeping a sly eye on her doings)




I've thought about this a dozen times, and just haven't done it.
I do still follow her cell phone usage, and she hasn't talked to him on it for about a month now. (I wonder if she has a new one I don't know about)





maybe I'm making excuses but the only saving grace is that they work at completely different locations about 3 miles apart. She doesn't use her cell to talk to him anymore, so I guess she uses her office land line.
One of my biggest tell-tale signs that she is moving on from him is that for those 3 months she came home late from work nearly every day, but in the last month, she's only been home last twice which was up to par for her job in the past.


oh, and YES, he is still married.

HR needs to know immediately, fraternization could be a BIG no no.

You are almost out of the threshold of exopsure, you really need to gather some good solid evidence and expose to OMW IMMEDIATELY.

OMW turned out to be my best ally in killing the affair, OM dropped XW like third period French.

Part of the glory of coming here is getting the first hand experience of people who have been, or are, where you are.


So here is my story. WxW and OM work at the same company based out of facilities 60 miles apart. I exposed to OMW, WxW immediately declared the adultery was over, went into withdrawal from OM and said she would seek a new job. She went 21 days of NC (did little to no job hunting) when they had a management meeting at her office. OM was of course there. When she came home that night I knew something was wrong and she admitted to the contact but of course she said they never spoke or looked at each other. Five days later she left. Three weeks later she filed for divorce. Four months later I was single. She is still with OM.



You need to take No Contact very seriously.

Your WW may truly be trying to maintain NC. If this is so, she no doubt thinks that if there is unintentional contact that they can handle it. The are both adults right? What could ever happen? My WxW thought that too.

TxPhilips,
What does this statement mean?


Was this a *ahem* solo operation or were you starting to look outside your marriage for those needs?

Good question Andrew. I initially just thought of Seinfeld’s “master of my domain”, but I can see validity in your question.

Umm Yeah, this was a solo operation

Have you given any thought to going back to work? I hate to say it, but the thought of a "house husband", while appeasing my feminist ideals, is sort of disgusting and unmanly. I want a man who supports his family and this is what most women want. Do you feel like she respects you as a man?

I'm not opposed to going back to work, but the idea of having to make $11.75 and hour just to break even with the day care costs doesn't even seem productive, not to mention that since DW is not very domestic we'd have to hire some sort of house cleaner so now I need over $12 and hour and we'll never even get to spend one penny of it on anything except services that I'm taking care of while being at home.

The more I thin about your post, the more I realize that it's people like you who degrade the entire concept of a Stay at home DAD. I work hard and longer hours than any "employeed" person I know. I never get to go home from work. I go to bed at work and wake up at my place of work. I put in about 100 hours each and every week and have two bosses who's schedules and needs are entirely different.
I have to ask... do you really place having a husband who can finance you as one of your highest needs? Are you a stay at home parent?

The question wasn't to degrade you, it was to help regain your wife's respect.

Right now she has absolutely ZERO respect for you.

Period.

Becoming employed and the ability to NOT NEED or RELY on her always sends a message.

What are your plans to expose to HR department at OM job?

When are you going to gather solid evidence to present to OMW?

This needed to be done last month.

Pariah,
She claims that the OM quit his job abruptly about 2 weeks ago and that she hasn't spoken to him. (I sent him and email that bounced back and his ext has been disconnected) They did work in different departments so there are no HR rules about the fraternizing (in fact it's rampant there) I don't have any solid evidence as to what my gut tells me happened, so I don't have anything to present to the OMW.

"it's people like you who degrade the entire concept of a Stay at home DAD"

It's people like you that do not realize as others have told you here that WW's lose respect for their stay at home dad and cheat on them.

A woman needs to feel that a man will provide for her. It's not about not needing more money. It'a security need to be met. That their husband can provide for them. Not that their husband cleans their toilet bowl.

You need to expose this PA. From what you have said about your WW cutting you off. This affair has gone physical.

Expose to OMW, human resources, WW's parent's, WW's siblings.

WW must go NC with the OM. She must leave her job. She can no longer work with the OM if you want the PA to end.

How do you know their is no rules? Because your cheating WW told you so?

Can't believe her at this point. Expose all especially OMW now.

TxP, I would talk to your wife about the work situation. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing and perhaps she needs to understand your role a bit better. For ANY woman to not respect a stay at home dad is somewhat hypocritical since most would frown very heavily with any such slam against a stay at home mom.
That being said, pay attention to what is being said here. It is possible that she feels this way...or, she could have other reasons that make her feel entitled. There are plenty of stay at home moms that screw around while their husbands are at work. People are trying to help you and even though I think their opinions are archaic at best, they might be right about YOUR wife.
Any wife that can't respect what you do really isn't worth fighting for in my opinion. You are providing for your family...just not in the way that others think you should.

Do what's best for your kids and family...talk to your wife...expose the affair...find your nuts and man-up.

She's lying. They are ALWAYS lying.




Time to stick the voice recorder in her car immediately.

You need to demand the phone bill and give a copy to OMW immediately.

Philip,

Remember these are opinions from posters. They aren't fact. They don't define you. What hits your soft spots shows you where your spots are inside...and you may have had this fear yourself, so ML's post hit it.

Your thought process in your response is right on...you began to evaluate how you were taking ML's opinion and where it was coming from.

Up to you to know and affirm that being a stay-at-home parent is the toughest job there is...for anyone. Also one of the most rewarding. It's why women were amazing and then sought-after in business...the multi-tasking, management, coordination, self-control and motivation, trouble-shooting--all that you said...is an executive level position.

With priceless reward. Please know this so this won't be a button that hurts when some stranger on a public forum gives their opinion.

And remember...a WS will use anything at all to JUSTIFY their actions...even if they POJA'd you staying home when they were your real spouse, and not in a wayward fog. The justifications are the key...hear them and know that's the fog...use your skills to discern fake crying from real hurt (like you do with the kids)...you've got the experience and the ear...trust yourself.

Expose to OMW anyway...she may have the proof you don't. You won't know until you tell her what you know, 'k? Do it because you want to live in radical honesty so you gotta act from it.

I wonder if part of why you were identifying her EN for appreciation (also in admiration) is because you have not felt appreciated? Just wondering...A's are totally selfish...as you got the creepy feeling, part of it was coming from what your WW stopped doing...and when we stop acting from love, we stop feeling it.

Which is why Plan A keeps your love bank going when a WW is doing nothing but withdrawing...and why Plan B follows Plan A when the balance is dangerously low...so I would like you to consider doing a different kind of act of appreciation.

You feel remorse for your neglecting your real W, correct? What you've learned this year was a wake-up call...so you could do an amends list...where you specifically state what you did, why you did it (the old thinking/justifying), and why and how you won't do it again.

I did these in seven emails to my WH...took my time and really owned my stinking thinking, terrible acts...and why they were...and how I was now protecting the marriage from my weaknesses.

Did it make a big BOOM into earth shattering change? Yes and well, no. For me, huge...incredible...along with doing a resentment timeline, it had the most profound impact. On WH? I didn't see the surface ripple...which was terrific because I didn't do it to get him to feel, think, believe or perceive differently.

Doing it helped me to see where in my old pattern, I would base my choices on his possible response...my Giver would sabotage and betray me and I'd take it out on him...so owning and amending what I'd done in the past finally got me to act to my own code and let the outcome go.

Which is what Plan A truly is...where you shine...to bring reality, you gotta know it.

You can do this...there isn't a more manly and amazing gig you can get than fighting for your marriage, owning your own stuff and thriving.

And if you don't know you're already gutsy and brave, you'll know it after you act brave and gutsy.

LA

thanks for all the insight

I've learned so much about my marriage and personal relationships and even more about myself in the last 2 months

((jealously looks really really really bad on me - LOL))

FWIW, I don't think what a BS feels upon discovering that their WS is having an A can be correctly described as "jealousy".

No, I make more money than my husband and have a successful career. [he makes great money too and has an admirable career] I just find the notion of a dependant husband to be sort of .......unmanly and revolting. But that is just me. Maybe your wife respects a man who doesn't have a job and is dependent on her; I wouldn't.

If you can get past your offense, you might want to take an honest look at this aspect. When I supported my last H, I grew to develop enormous DISRESPECT for him and admired men who went out and held down good jobs and supported their families. I never respected him when he stayed home.

I am asking you to look at whether this might be an issue with your wife. Because it WAS an issue for ME. I lost all respect for my H. A woman's love for a man is very contingent upon the respect she feels for him.

I thought from his initial post that they both jointly agreed that he should stay home and take care of the kids in lieu of daycare. That and I'm assuming the OP doesn't have a degree that he can use to demand more money or find a job that pays enough to defray the costs of daycare.

TxP, become a teacher. I've found this is an awesome way to be both a provider for the family and spend the summer playing a SAHD.

Ditto what medc said and what LA said and what kilted said.

Think about it.

He's staying home because of circumstances, not because they sat down and decided for him to be a housewife. I'm sure he does do lots of stuff at home, I remember how hard it was. But it doesn't mean his wife wants to support a house husband. I know I wouldn't. He is home because he was laid off, not because they necessarily desired this situation.

I would take a real hard look at this aspect, Philip, because I know that it does effect marriages. Most especially it can effect a womans respect towards her husband.

yes, the circumstances were put in place that created the environment that we now live in where I stay at home. I am not a house-husband, I'm just a husband. But there was a joint decision that I would remain home and raise our two darlings instead of finding another job. I did work some between the layoff and the birst of our second with the understanding that I wasn't out making tons of money but helping build up some savings for the month after when there would be no income. We lived under these circumstances (I thought happily) for months before her affair started.

maybe she has lost some respect for me due to my being home and not earning a paycheck. I'll have to find that out and the remedy is easy enough, but the respect will take some time.

as for my job prospects, I don't have much diverse experience or a higher education that I could demand much of a paycheck.

Have you thought about working parttime and going back to school? With the way universities are set up, they have fast track classes where you can finish a class in a month, they have online classes, you can go one day a week, two days a week, etc etc

Personally

I think ML has a point. Its a point I find disgusting, but one that has been repeated over and over and over ad nauseum. I thought it was a an old wives tale that woman love money and guys who can make a lot of it....but anyone with REAL HONESTY knows that it IS NOT an old wives tale.

Its just been spun a bit. I find that the woman who list money as a main important point (sorry, that disgusting to me.) will NEVER say they want money, they say they simply want "security". I guess it all depends on what your meaning of "sex" is.

Money SHOULD not be that important. And IF there was nothing wrong with having money at the top of your WANT list, there would be no need for calling it something else,like SECURITY. Past generations got by with so much less. What many people see as SECURITY AND NECCESITIES are, in reality, luxuries. Like riding lessons, ballet lessons, martial arts, 3 cars, vacations, second homes, brand label clothes, eating out....etc. These are all NICE, all enjoyable, but hardly neccesities.

Bud, if youre wife makes more, than it just makes sense that you stay home. And your wife will probably agree with that. And then years down the road, during troubled times, she will blurt out how much she disrespected you for not earning enough to allow for traditional roles. Again, ML has a point. And its truly an UGLY statement about many, many woman. (Please,I am saying many, many, NOT ALL).

My own wife told me that OM made double what I did and it made him "the perfect husband" and hie wife "didn't appreciate him".

I made enough to support us and double what my wife was capable of, but she wanted more. She wanted to be carefree like her sister that is married to the attorney.

Now I have a job more than equal to OM and flaunt it through the grapevine as often as I can. I "accidentally" included one of my pay stubs in the financial disclosure.

gaba, I just wanted to point out that financial support is a legitimate emotional need with many people. It is just as legitimate as sexual fulfillment.

See, for me the need is not financial support, though. IT IS RESPECT. I have a strong need to respect my H. I respect my current H, I had no respect for my XH, to whom I was married for 20 years and I supported almost the entire time.

I have supported myself since I was age 17, I had it ingrained in my head to never ever depend on a man for support so that is not the issue for me. I don't want someone to support me although I am very very grateful for the income my H makes. He also handles all our money and pays our bills. I love that!

I RESPECT a man who makes a good living and is self sufficient and that respect is very important to me, because I can't love a man I don't respect.

For me, it was a matter of respecting my husband and him respecting himself. Sure, we pretended in my last marriage like there was no difference between men and women and like we weren't bothered by the fact that he stayed home and I earned the living. But we were bothered by it. VERY BOTHERED. He lost respect for himself and I lost respect for him. I couldn't even stand for him to touch me for years.

I NEVER EVER told him I felt this way in those entire 15 years. AND THAT WAS A MISTAKE! Our PRETENSE destroyed our marriage, in hindsight. I never said anything because it was not POLITICALLY CORRECT TO FEEL THAT WAY. We are supposed to feel like the roles are interchangeable. But..... I did not really feel that way. And he did not feel that way. It caused a loss of respect in our marriage.

I wanted a man who was a LEADER. A man who made a good living and led our family. A man I could LOOK UP TO. I grew sick and tired of being the head of the household. I hated it.

So, I don't know if this is an issue in Phillip's marriage, but it was in mine. And pretending it away on the alter of political correctness is not the answer.

Yep
I have to agree ML.

Money is way important to people. And so is the ABILITY to make money. Me, personally, think MONEY is LAST on the pole of importance. I ALWAYS will. It played a big part in my marriage, and I will ALWAYS be sour about that.

Yep, people sometimes pay a big price to be "stylish" (Thats a movie line, I just don't remember which one)

Here's what I'm getting out of this from reading the posts:
OP got laid off. OP's W got a huge raise and was making a lot of money. If OP can't find a job that pays more than $11.50 an hour, then they're spending more on child care than he is making from working which means they are now spending more out of pocket by OP working than if he stays home. So they jointly agreed that he'd stay home.

I'm not really sure if it'd be financially smart for him to work if it costs them money for him to work due to child care.

If she enthusiastically agreed it'd be better for him to stay home and then doesn't respect him for doing so, that's not his fault; it's hers.

Now once the kids hit the age where they enter school, then he goes back to work. Or even better, goes back to work and school so he can get a degree and find jobs that earn more money.

You know what? It matters not whose "fault" it is, though. I also agreed to support my H for years. But guess what the price was? I lost all respect for him and fell out of love. He lost all self respect from not working, no matter how convenient and practical it was. If that is the case here, it doesn't matter if they agreed. What matters is if they are in love, otherwise they won't have a marriage.

The best interest of the children will be served by 2 parents in an intact marriage and he needs to protect his marriage. It might be a cost savings today to stay home and babysit, but that will not compensate for a divorce.

during one of our (WW and I) many conversations some of this did come up and I told her that I didn't feel like college was right for me but thant when our youngest start school I'd like to go to some sort of trade school and learn something really useful (like electrician or something)

without going into specifics, I'd honestly need to earn a degree to earn more than her at this point. but once the kids start school the day care issue goes away too


ML, I have not lost any respect for myself for being a SAHD and I don't babysit, I parent. I have other interests and when I feel I need a "manly" moment I go out and do some woodworking in the garage

Txp...this stuff is really a bunch of bullchit. You and your wife agreed to this arrangement. Don't worry about what other people think you should be doing. YOU deserve as much respect as ANY stay at home mom. Anyone that tells you otherwise is flat out wrong and sexist to the 10th degree. Your job deserves as much or more respect than any other job out there. I would say the same thing to a woman choosing to take care of her kids. On top of that, it doesn't make financial sense for you to go out there if it will result in a stranger taking care of your kids for more money than you can make.

Women like to have it both ways with many things in life...this is one of them.


you HAVE earned a paycheck. It is half (if not more) of hers because without you, she wouldn't be able to do what she is doing.

If your wife would not respect you over something like this, I say good riddance to the woman.



I earned 21K my first year as a cop(1986)....not a good living by any standard. My wife earned 50K. I guess I know why she had her affair now. Mystery solved.

I know people that make a million dollars per year that aren't 1/1000th of the person of a stay at home mom/dad.

Being a leader has nothing to do with how much money you make.

hey MEDC, I am most certainly not a sexist, but I did have an issue with it and so did my H. And so might his wife.

If it is an issue, then he needs to address it. I see my H's staying home and becoming dependent as the beginning of the end of our marriage. He no longer felt like a man and I no longer respected him as a man.

Frankly, I don't care if anyone wants to label that as "sexist" or a baloney sandwich, what matters is what makes that marriage works.

Hey Mel. If a man came on here and suggested that he doesn't respect his wife that is staying home (by agreement) to take care of their three kids he would be crucified. The facts and not just feelings need to be considered here. His wife would be a huge be-ach to feel this way after agreeing enthusiastically to the arrangement.

So essentially it's the breakdown of communication. I think then he needs to ask her if his not working is causing her to lose respect for him.

I would add after 8 years of reading here that WAYWARD WIVES have not cornered the market on being "the most evil of creatures, etc.". As the same can be said for WAYWARD HUSBANDS.

Jo

Well... where to continue

I had hoped to have a heart to heart with the wife yeasterday and thiming wasn't right. She went in late to work today so I initiated after DD went to school.

She claims she knew it was coming because I cleaned up the sofa and coffee table yesterday which was why she took the meds and left.

I asked her if she still planned on leaving and if anything had changed for her in the past month. of course this blew up into an entire thing about how I expect magic to happen in one month and that nothing has changed but she won't/can't leave because of the kids (she was hell bent on getting out two months ago)

the affair ended last month and she knows I've been reading and trying to learn how to move forward but she flat out refuses to read anything I have suggested and that she even took the time out to do my "stupid" little quiz (how well do you know your spouse quiz)

as usual the conversation degraded into an arguement which had her literally jumping up the sitting down and jumping back up and sitting down and of course the shouting. It never fails that of course everything is my fault for the things I put her through from '01 thru '05. I tried to explain that was history and asked her if she would ever move forward from that point and ever forgive me to which she replid she didn't think she ever could.

I just told her I wanted her to move out before the end of the year. What made her the most angry is that I never stood up or raised my voice (apparently because of my high horse)


The only thing she says she will do is counselling for me, but I told her we need to go together because that's where the problems are. She says she'll go but I don't know if she will when it come down to it.

Was putting down the gauntlet of her moving out a bad idea??
I'm so at a loss

No, the gauntlet needed to go down, but full blown exposure needs to blindside her also.

She needs to realize that you just might be ENTITLED to HALF of her retirement AND spousal support until you get settled and a LSA stipulate you get support until the divorce os settled and you can drag it out for a year or so.

Hit her financially, if she wants out, it's gonna be at a HUGE cost.

actually I had a much better and more pointiant reply to her

we spoke briefly this afternoon when she called to ask about the kids. I told her that while I still want to work things out I am going to work on improving myself and doing what I can to be a better person overall and that I hope she makes up her mind before I lose interest in trying to make our marriage work at all.

She had no response.



She made some other comments that helped me put two and two together and figure out that it was my contact with the OM that cause him to quit his job and cease thier relationship. I had sent him several ugly and hateful emails during the course of thier EA during which she "strongly requested" that I quit emailing him. I told her I would consider it, but sent him one more anyways and then quit. it was about amonth later (mid July) that I sent him another stating that I would have to accept that I was going to lose her to him and that I hoped he'd take good care of her. [[[he had a previous affair which destroyed another home and family w/ kids of which he didn't get the girl]]] I guess he didn't feel like repeating that past and it was 4 days later that he quit his job and she has only spolen to him one (the following day to see why he quit but he wouldn't say) as evil as it may sound, this new discovery actually made me laugh a little