emotional affairs-please help - Marriage Builders® Forums

My wife and I have been together for 24 years. 22 of it married. We have had a beautiful and smooth marriage and have both been secure in all we have had. My wife is a full time nursing student and spends all her free time studying. In april after my kids started complaining, I approached her and told her I was feeling disconnected from her. I was at the time playing world of warcraft and had made a female friend. My wife listened but nothing changed. bdfore long I was in a emotional affair with this online woman. We were texting, e mailing and talking on the phone. We never met or engaged in any sexual stuff. In June do to a very stressful job, I had a nerveous breakdown. My wife did not cope with my depression well and reached out to a ex boyfriend for support. Soon they were in a emotional affair too. I was seeing a christian counselor for my breakdown and was working with her to end my emotional affair. My wife came home one evening and told me she was feeling guilty about talking to this guy and she was getting attached. She broke down saying she was affraid she had destroyed our marriage. She was an emotional wreck. I talked to my councelor the next day who told me I should not tell my wife yet about mine due to my wifes emotional state. She told me to end mine immediately and to wait until we had gotten past hers. I had no trouble forgiving my wife and getting past my anger and hurt. A couple of days latter, a friend of hers told her about my emotional affair. She re contacted the ex boyfriend and then installed a keystroke recorder on our computer. She found my e mails to this woman and totally broke down. That saturday, she said she wanted a divorce and wanted to be with him. Now 2 months later, we are alot better and God is healing our marriage- but she is struggling with feelings for this guy and not having the right feelings for me. She keeps getting depressed and down and it hold progress up. Why is she feeling this way, is it normal and what can I do? Will her feelings for this guy go away? Please tell me what I can do......

Are you certain there is still no contact for her with the OM?

What things have you done to restore your marriage?

It's common to suffer Withdrawal. See excerpt below from Dr. Harley's article on Coping with Infidelity on this site.

Quote

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Yes I am possitive. There was never any in person contact, only phone and e mail. I read the bible alot, alot of books, being patient, showing love, speaking her love language without any expectations. I have read it yes. Thank you for the reference it makes me feel better knowing this is normal.

I do not want to appear to be bashing christian counselors but you may want to try a LCSW/PhD. My WW and I started with a pastor at a church. He was a great guy but really did not help. I made an appointment with a LCSW/PhD marriage counselor and after a few sessions we started to make good progress.

I am not saying you should not speak to your clergy person to help you on the religious side of things but you may also want to work with a professional.

Best of luck.

Didnt mean to not be clear. Our christian counselor is not a church clergy but a Psychiatrist/marriage counselor with a Phd. She has helped alot. My wife and I are reconciling this and are healing. God is working a miracle in our marriage and there is hope for any and all of you. Please, if I can be an encouragement in any way to anyone, e mail me. Believe me I have read until my eyes have bled. I have a ton of resources! I will be praying for you and your wife.