I am probably working backwards.... - 10/03/08 07:37 AM
Hello,
I am on the rollercoaster and I want to get off.
Where to start?
I am a newly BS, and H announced/revealed that he started a relationship with someone that he works with at our first marital counseling session and wanted a divorce bc he was done.
Less than 12 hours, he had reconsidered and wants to work things out, if we can but is afraid that I will never get over his betrayal, I will be even more distant and that I will never change, the list goes on and on.
I do want to try but I am so angry and furious right now. I am tryng to be civil but sometimes the B comes out and I just can't help but lash out at him.
Within the last 12 months, I have had professional and personal issues collide. My work is very stressful and highlight during professional crisis was founding out we were going to have another addition to our family. Dec was also month that we had found out we were pregnant w/first child and close to bd and anniversary. Then my world came crashing down when I was told that my pregnancy was not going to progress further and basically having to wait to miscarry, almost 4 years to first pregnancy. I was given several options, natural, medication or surgery. I opted to let body/nature takes its course but ended up having a D and C anyway. (my child was home when it started and I had to keep it together to not scare and get to the doctor's office.
Shortly after my miscarriage, about month, my supervisor lost his wife when she suffered complications after surgery. They had both been good to me while I was pregnant and new to office and area. I am senior person in the office and tried to keep things running smoothly while dealing with the double whammy but stress of work was a little too much.
One day WH threw out an item that I had asked him to leave alone and I called him up on way to work and daycare w/our child and cussed him out-like a dog, he says, threatened to quit and leave bc I just could not do it all. Work full time, attempting to complete school, mother, and trying to manage house and then find time for us. I started seeing a therapist after that happened and therapist wanted to put me on a leave from work. I decided against it but opted to start using my vacation time-was afraid of losing my job.
Doctor gave okay to try to conceive again but thought of getting pregnant and miscarrying again put a damper on relations. I tried to express this to H but all he heard/felt was rejection. My courses are online so evening time is on computer about 4/5 hours a night 4 to 7 days in week, further cramping our time.
I have been seeing therapist off and on and thought we were back into a peak and out of the valley. Mid August, WH had two weekends in row that stayed out and didn't come home. Then coworker needed help moving items from another state back to home and stupid me, trusted and agreed.
I had contemplated taking a position at another office location in another state. I am tired of being the troubleshooter and fixing the same mistakes over and over in my department. I did not feel I should quit bc I have been with the company over 5 years and thought a change would be way to move up and promoted. Therapist nixed idea and H and I discussed other options. H even had asked if I was trying to leave w/o telling him. He went out of state and when he came back, everything had changed. He spent more nights away from home and when I tried to talk things out, he brought up seperation. Even had a bag packed and in vehicle during that week. Also brought up that I didn't take the position-that I never applied for!
Next visit to therapist, question was raised if H would be willing to come in and discuss our issues further. Response was I will do what I can to help you with your issues.
His complaints are mirror of mine, taken for granted, doesn't listen, he states I have treated him like S..T for years, begged for my love and affection and all I do is reject him.
Following week is when therapist and H talked and I started looking at marital counseling, which he agreed to but also making comments such as "will it work and will you change" We had another argument over phone, he states it was bc I wasn't getting the therapist I wanted but I was questioning his whereabouts from previous Sunday and plans for next weekend. H didn't come home, called late in evening to say stopped at bar bc didn't want to come home and deal with our situation. I hung up and when called back, he stated he wasn't going to come home and get a hotel room or something. I called the next day and asked if something had happened bc all the issues he was raising; all the old arguments and issues were rehashed by him.
The first session did not go bc he had to work but he actually came home and moved stuff out of the house and left that Saturday. (he had even called to say if he could come home that week but that must have been just to get stuff ready to move out of the house)
I had rescheduled session again but then he flat out said NO and I had to cancel. I was upset and even angrier when he moved his direct dep to another account. I called to let him know I was giving him space, did not want him to come over to the house but I would not keep our child from him. I asked that he not spoil and take her over/around to anyone who smokes-he was storing stuff at friends who are heavy smokers. Needless to say, he disregarded and was apologetic for upsetting me. He had also changed his mind about counseling so I gave him info to set up.
I had my suspicions bc of way H was acting, cell and keys weren't being laid down and being kept close to him.
Session was last Friday and OMG it still hurts...WH stated he began relationship with FCW and basically started the minute he walked out the door after moving his stuff. He told therapist he was done and wanted divorce. He even brought up old coworker friend of mine and in so many words said, something was going on but it seemed to have stopped. For the whole time that we have been together I have never cheated and basically let him and anyone else in the vicinity that evening know my feelings on his statement.
heading home I called OW, and thanked her for being Frigging HomeWrecker and also advised WH that "he was going to pay"
Less than 12 hours later, he called to say that he wants to try to work things out but also had moved in with OW on last Thursday of Sept. I was tired and exhausted and numb, bc I managed to stay calm and have a conversation with WH. We even cuddled up a little bit when he came over but when he tried to kiss me, I could not do it. I agreed but also told him that he couldn't have it both ways and reconciliation was not going to be possible while he stayed with OW. Sunday evening he left OW house but when he came over Monday evening, he still wouldn't answer the question as to whether he can keep his distance from her. WH was also upset that I was considering filing for legal separation, due to only giving me a third of his paycheck and further protecting myself and child, after we agreed to work things out.
We got into it yesterday regarding OW and keeping distance, again. He has started therapy for himself but reluctant regarding continuing marital counseling. MC Therapist had suggested both continue to seek counseling on individual basis or continue to see and they would mediate. I rescheduled again and response was "are you going to lose your mind again"
I have thought about exposing them to their coworkers- OW had been emailing him from work but mostly chain/FW em. One was questionnaire and question that stood out was When was the last time you cried-When I found out my DH had cheated on me.
Now OW wants WH to find himself and be sure what he wants-so has stopped their relationship, so he says. Too bad they didn't consider this before they decided to cheat. He has lied to me so many times with half truths, omissions, admissions, I find it hard to believe anything that he says now. I had also found email showing that he had registered for a site that puts married and single people together for EMA...I never expected this.
Someone at work had recommended HNHN; I haven't had time to buy it but stumbled across the site/forum.
I don't know if this is MLC or what. I am just upset and sick that for last 6 months, when I needed DH/WH most, he was just going through motions. H admitted as much in MC session but now tries to say he has been there for me. I even apologized for the yelling incident and that I wish I could be able to give him love, affection that he wants but with everything that has gone on, pre-A, I wasn't able to and he finally heard me! but a day later, H is back to not listening to my thoughts, feelings, opinions, explanations. How can we be friends? I want to work things out but I am so close to giving up and filing for it LS/D.....
BS-39
WH-41
D-4
M-almost 19 years
DD-9/26/08
I am on the rollercoaster and I want to get off.
Where to start?
I am a newly BS, and H announced/revealed that he started a relationship with someone that he works with at our first marital counseling session and wanted a divorce bc he was done.
Less than 12 hours, he had reconsidered and wants to work things out, if we can but is afraid that I will never get over his betrayal, I will be even more distant and that I will never change, the list goes on and on.
I do want to try but I am so angry and furious right now. I am tryng to be civil but sometimes the B comes out and I just can't help but lash out at him.
Within the last 12 months, I have had professional and personal issues collide. My work is very stressful and highlight during professional crisis was founding out we were going to have another addition to our family. Dec was also month that we had found out we were pregnant w/first child and close to bd and anniversary. Then my world came crashing down when I was told that my pregnancy was not going to progress further and basically having to wait to miscarry, almost 4 years to first pregnancy. I was given several options, natural, medication or surgery. I opted to let body/nature takes its course but ended up having a D and C anyway. (my child was home when it started and I had to keep it together to not scare and get to the doctor's office.
Shortly after my miscarriage, about month, my supervisor lost his wife when she suffered complications after surgery. They had both been good to me while I was pregnant and new to office and area. I am senior person in the office and tried to keep things running smoothly while dealing with the double whammy but stress of work was a little too much.
One day WH threw out an item that I had asked him to leave alone and I called him up on way to work and daycare w/our child and cussed him out-like a dog, he says, threatened to quit and leave bc I just could not do it all. Work full time, attempting to complete school, mother, and trying to manage house and then find time for us. I started seeing a therapist after that happened and therapist wanted to put me on a leave from work. I decided against it but opted to start using my vacation time-was afraid of losing my job.
Doctor gave okay to try to conceive again but thought of getting pregnant and miscarrying again put a damper on relations. I tried to express this to H but all he heard/felt was rejection. My courses are online so evening time is on computer about 4/5 hours a night 4 to 7 days in week, further cramping our time.
I have been seeing therapist off and on and thought we were back into a peak and out of the valley. Mid August, WH had two weekends in row that stayed out and didn't come home. Then coworker needed help moving items from another state back to home and stupid me, trusted and agreed.
I had contemplated taking a position at another office location in another state. I am tired of being the troubleshooter and fixing the same mistakes over and over in my department. I did not feel I should quit bc I have been with the company over 5 years and thought a change would be way to move up and promoted. Therapist nixed idea and H and I discussed other options. H even had asked if I was trying to leave w/o telling him. He went out of state and when he came back, everything had changed. He spent more nights away from home and when I tried to talk things out, he brought up seperation. Even had a bag packed and in vehicle during that week. Also brought up that I didn't take the position-that I never applied for!
Next visit to therapist, question was raised if H would be willing to come in and discuss our issues further. Response was I will do what I can to help you with your issues.
His complaints are mirror of mine, taken for granted, doesn't listen, he states I have treated him like S..T for years, begged for my love and affection and all I do is reject him.
Following week is when therapist and H talked and I started looking at marital counseling, which he agreed to but also making comments such as "will it work and will you change" We had another argument over phone, he states it was bc I wasn't getting the therapist I wanted but I was questioning his whereabouts from previous Sunday and plans for next weekend. H didn't come home, called late in evening to say stopped at bar bc didn't want to come home and deal with our situation. I hung up and when called back, he stated he wasn't going to come home and get a hotel room or something. I called the next day and asked if something had happened bc all the issues he was raising; all the old arguments and issues were rehashed by him.
The first session did not go bc he had to work but he actually came home and moved stuff out of the house and left that Saturday. (he had even called to say if he could come home that week but that must have been just to get stuff ready to move out of the house)
I had rescheduled session again but then he flat out said NO and I had to cancel. I was upset and even angrier when he moved his direct dep to another account. I called to let him know I was giving him space, did not want him to come over to the house but I would not keep our child from him. I asked that he not spoil and take her over/around to anyone who smokes-he was storing stuff at friends who are heavy smokers. Needless to say, he disregarded and was apologetic for upsetting me. He had also changed his mind about counseling so I gave him info to set up.
I had my suspicions bc of way H was acting, cell and keys weren't being laid down and being kept close to him.
Session was last Friday and OMG it still hurts...WH stated he began relationship with FCW and basically started the minute he walked out the door after moving his stuff. He told therapist he was done and wanted divorce. He even brought up old coworker friend of mine and in so many words said, something was going on but it seemed to have stopped. For the whole time that we have been together I have never cheated and basically let him and anyone else in the vicinity that evening know my feelings on his statement.
heading home I called OW, and thanked her for being Frigging HomeWrecker and also advised WH that "he was going to pay"
Less than 12 hours later, he called to say that he wants to try to work things out but also had moved in with OW on last Thursday of Sept. I was tired and exhausted and numb, bc I managed to stay calm and have a conversation with WH. We even cuddled up a little bit when he came over but when he tried to kiss me, I could not do it. I agreed but also told him that he couldn't have it both ways and reconciliation was not going to be possible while he stayed with OW. Sunday evening he left OW house but when he came over Monday evening, he still wouldn't answer the question as to whether he can keep his distance from her. WH was also upset that I was considering filing for legal separation, due to only giving me a third of his paycheck and further protecting myself and child, after we agreed to work things out.
We got into it yesterday regarding OW and keeping distance, again. He has started therapy for himself but reluctant regarding continuing marital counseling. MC Therapist had suggested both continue to seek counseling on individual basis or continue to see and they would mediate. I rescheduled again and response was "are you going to lose your mind again"
I have thought about exposing them to their coworkers- OW had been emailing him from work but mostly chain/FW em. One was questionnaire and question that stood out was When was the last time you cried-When I found out my DH had cheated on me.
Now OW wants WH to find himself and be sure what he wants-so has stopped their relationship, so he says. Too bad they didn't consider this before they decided to cheat. He has lied to me so many times with half truths, omissions, admissions, I find it hard to believe anything that he says now. I had also found email showing that he had registered for a site that puts married and single people together for EMA...I never expected this.
Someone at work had recommended HNHN; I haven't had time to buy it but stumbled across the site/forum.
I don't know if this is MLC or what. I am just upset and sick that for last 6 months, when I needed DH/WH most, he was just going through motions. H admitted as much in MC session but now tries to say he has been there for me. I even apologized for the yelling incident and that I wish I could be able to give him love, affection that he wants but with everything that has gone on, pre-A, I wasn't able to and he finally heard me! but a day later, H is back to not listening to my thoughts, feelings, opinions, explanations. How can we be friends? I want to work things out but I am so close to giving up and filing for it LS/D.....
BS-39
WH-41
D-4
M-almost 19 years
DD-9/26/08