We married young and have been together 18 years.

For quite sometime now (about 2 years) my wife has acted very suspicious since finding out that her ex-boyfriend of 20 years ago lives in our neighborhood.
She insisted that I meet him and his family at a recent function we attended for our friends who coincidentally lived nearby. I felt suspicious at that point because she seemed to be at ease with the whole meeting. To say the least, it was an awkward meeting. The OMW’s seemed to be shooting daggers at my wife all day. When I finally met the OM, he avoided eye contact with me and spoke with me very briefly.

When MW stepped out to the store one night about 2 months ago I checked her work email---and there it was....the secret emails. Apparently she had been having a 2 year relationship behind my back with this ex-boyfriend. To say the least I was so terribly saddened by this. They had phone and e-mail conversations and from what I could tell occasional lunch time meetings . I couldn't believe it.

You see, We've already been down a similar road in 2000, when she was secretly seeing and e-mailing with a co-worker of hers at the time. We worked through that with MC and an understanding of the basic principles of the Love Bank. I thought we had stuck to the plan fairly well.
Unfortunately she deleted most of her communication with him so all I had was a few sporadic emails throughout the two year period. When I confronted her she trickled the truth out because I acted as if I had a source that was telling me everything. First she claimed it was only one time they met and after I insisted that I knew more she revealed that it was 3 times. She claimed the entire relationship was her responsibility and that she had to settle things in her life from that time period. She swears that nothing romantic happened. She said the he roped her into continuing the relationship because he was having marital problems at the time.

I asked why would she have the need to meet with him behind my back? Didn't you care that it would hurt me? Couldn't you make "peace" with how that relationship ended on the phone? In one of her e-mails to him she made a suggestion that they meet on what would have been their 20th anniversary day for lunch. Signed....love always. Another reference was made about serenading her later. I did not intercept anything sexual.

What am I to think. We have since been to MC a few times and I'm still having trouble trusting her although I love her deeply. I asked her to end this relationship with the OM via e-mail so I could be a part of the "closure" and see his response. She decided to call him instead when I was at work. Now I have no idea if they made alternate plans to contact each other or if she genuinely ended it. I know in the end it comes down to me accepting and trusting her again. I'm just so tired of getting blindsided. If anyone out there has had a similar event I would love some feedback.
Feeling hurt and confused right now

---GreyGhost

Ghost,

Do you have kids?

Not to be harsh, but you are being a door mat. You don't "ask" if she ended it. She writes a NC "No Contact" letter that meets your approval, and you register mail a copy him and HIS WIFE. These are your boundries, and a REQUIREMENT.

Why did they more into your neighborhood? Or is this a small town thing?

OM's Wife: She needs to be your best friend. you two need to have a long talk, real soon. Another set of questioning eyes watching the OM. Someone you can compare notes with.

GPS her car. Spyware the computer... whatever you need to do, as long as your gut tells you something is off.

Set up a Polygraph if you think your not getting "Whole truths". "Normally" if she thinks your serious, she'll spill her guts. STD's alone warrant the truth. The fact you have had to pull info from her, tells me there's probably more to this secret.

MOST IMPORTANTLY READ AND POST HERE. DO NOT SHARE THIS RESOURCE WITH YOUR W RIGHT NOW.

-JKT

Justkeeptrying is right. Your wife is a serial cheater. As well key logger and GPS. Get a couple voice activated recorders. One for where she talks in the house. make sure you test them when they are set up, so you know that you can hear. Next, close all joint banking accounts with her. She needs to know if you can't trust her with you heart, you can't trust her with your money. Report your credit cards stolen. When they send new ones. Lock them up.

Justkeeptrying said you were being a doormat. There is a more accurate term. Your wife is cuckolding you. If you have any self respect, and truly want to heal your marriage. You had better man up.

Easy Ouch... The sky is not falling yet.

Also, If it would be useful. I digigal recorder in the house is far better used when attached to the phoneline and set to voice activation. Records both side of the call, easy to hide, and is only on when the phone is in use.

GG,

Unfortunately, your first job is to get your head around the concept that your Wayward Wife (WW) is having an extramarital affair (A), AGAIN!!!

YOU ARE MARRIED TO A SERIAL CHEATER!!!

Let that sink in, and then ask yourself if you still want to remain married (M'd) to her? Honestly, the best advice for dealing with a serial cheater is to proceed directly to divorce (Plan D), but most Betrayed Husband's (BH) don't arrive at that conclusion right away.

If you feel the need to "try" to recover (R) your M, then you must ask yourself if you have the inner strength to do it. You see, BH's who ACT can be successful ... those who continue to be afraid to confront thier WW's remain what we refer to as "doormats" and condemn themselves to a life of limbo hell, neither truly M or D.

YOU MAKE THE CALL!!!

Yes she cheated. I find it very disturbing that she'd go to the length of wanting you to meet OM and his family as cover. I know waywards are insane but that just shows the level of thought she put into the deception.

Right now you have NO REASON to trust her. Don't...it would be foolish to believe a liar.

GreyGhost,
As the others have said, yes she has cheated on you. And yes, she cheated on you back in 2000 as well. She is lying about it not being physical as well. Just because you didn't see sexual references in the emails, don't conclude that it wasn't. My ex-wife was careful not to put those details in her emails, but she definitely slept with him. Since you didn't reveal that you had seen her email, keylog the computer IMMEDIATELY. You will intercept a wealth of "damage control" emails in which they get their stories straight. It won't matter if she deletes them before you can actually read them. They will be logged, screenshot'ed, and stored on your hard drive. I used the All-in-one keylogger from www.relytec.com.

Also, have you exposed this to the OMW. Maybe she knew already since she was glaring daggers at your WW at dinner?

As far as recommendations go, that depends if you have children. If not, I would support your decision to immediately divorce a serial cheater. If you do, I would expose the affair and offer the opportunity to return to the marriage under specific marriage counseling conditions. Draw a line in the sand, as MyRev would say.

MyRev is absolutely right though that the forums show a tendency for BH's who act decisively and quickly to have a greater chance at recovering their marriage.

Absolutely!

It can work wonders for BWs too.

Thanks to all who replied,

It's been almost three months now and with the help of MC we seem to be on the same page as far as the no contact rule. She appears to leave her e-mails open on her desk at home and insists that on the days she goes into work that she has no contact with him. I have insisted during MC that I am still having trust issues from time to time when thoughts race into my head. I have admitted that I'm in a zero tolerance mode right now and that I choose to stay with her because I am not in fear of her doing anything again and that I would simply move on without her should I feel she is not being genuine. I can't help but regret that he lives only a few blocks away. I have for now decided not to contact the OMW on this issue. I feel as though thats a card better not played right now and saved for the future if necessary.

Thanks again,
GreyGhost

I think not exposing to the OMW is a huge mistake not only for your M but out of human decency to this woman. OM lives down the street for crying out loud. It may come back to haunt you. Good luck.

I agree. It's possible all you've done at this point is drive the A further underground. OMW deserves to know the truth about her life.

DITTO!

For all you know, this OM is now onto preying on other Ws, knowing that you're keeping his secret for him out of fear and/ or shame...

Grey Ghost,

There is a plan that will work and it's not the Grey Ghost plan of holding back on exposure.

This is the best way to stop an A. Your WW will not stop because you want her to at this point. This is wishful and unrealistic thinking. It will get you nowhere and drag this whole thing out for much longer.

Everyone who has any influence over your WW, her family, your family, clergy .... needs to know.

Do you have kids? How long have you been married? Have you ever cheated?

Your WW needs to see that you will not accept her cheating under any circumstances. WW needs to know that you will do whatever it takes to end this A and repair a M.

WW needs to see you in control of your M. This is your W, your family, your M.

OMW has to know what is going on. By not telling her, you are supporting your WW's betrayal and OM's betrayal against his wife. Like already said, she will be your best support in halting this A.

And .... you need to move out of the town. This will make R impossible and will only rekindle the A, if it ever does stop.

Phone the Harley's for a plan. You maybe need to hear all of this from them.

Get the books SAA and HNHN. Read the carrot and the stick thread on this forum. It's by Pepperband. I'll bump it to the top. Study it and execute it.

Grey, if roles were reversed would you want to be the other spouse not being told what was going on by the other spouse??? She may even have information you would like to know!!!

Please tell her.....saving it does nothing in the long run. The other wife could actually help you keep him away.

GG: Spoken like a true doormat...

Do you really think it has all nended? Or maybe they are just being careful?

Contacting the OHW would piss your WW off, and you don't want that right?

Remember your choices today. I suspect you will regret them soon.

100% agree. Not telling the OMW is an act of cowardice and dishonesty. Does she not deserve to know the truth about her marriage? Or should she find out when her cheating husband gives her Herpes?

Also, how are you ever going to recovery in this marriage, if her lover lives 2 BLOCKS from you!

Tell the OMW. Tell the OMW. Tell the OMW.

You would want her to do the same for you.

Affairs are like cockroaches, they can't handle the bright light of truth that comes when everybody involved knows the facts.

GreyGhost,



There are 3 basic tenants for early behavior of BS's IF they want to save their marriage.

1. Expose, expose, expose

2 Marriage counseling with a WS that has not initiated no contact with their affair partner is as useless a t*ts on a mule

3 Permitting your WW to work with her OM AND ACCEPTING HER WORD ON HER BEHAVIOR IS SUICIDAL

You may think your tolerance is at zero but from your description you are giving her carte blanche to do anything and everything she pleases

Best of luck,

Greyghost

Why do you think you are being told that to expose is a must?

Why NC is a must?

Why MC is a waste when the affair is sill on?

My reading here since '04 has show these things are a must do, no way around them, not avoidable.

The OMW must be told.

WW has to quit her job today. End of the week best time to resign.

WW is in so must denial and rewritten marriage history to be receptive to anything anyone has to say.

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