fooled,
I am so sorry, and I understand exactly where you are. My FWH had an affair when we'd been married 37 years and he became my worst nightmare for many months. He also chose a divorced woman, who would not give up when he told her it was over. She did some very vicious things to me, and he couldn't see her for what she was--a divorced, middle-aged gold digger. His behavior destroyed my soul and I didn't think I could ever be right again.
I know you are looking back over your 36 years, dealing with all those images, all the lies, and wondering who the heII he is. He has shown you the very worst of who he can be and it will take a very long time to get beyond that. So much depends on HIM. Like it or not, he will
have to break off ALL contact with both women forever. He will probably lobby for maintaining this life-long "friendship," but he simply cannot do it. That woman (and the waitress as well) is an ENEMY of your marriage.
Is he willing to break off ALL contact with them? It's the least he can do for the pain he's inflicted on you and the damage he's done to your long-term marriage. And your kids. Ugh. I know that part too.
And he must tell you everything you want to know about the affair--everything.
But that's just the beginning. He will also have to make what we call here "just compensation." That includes whatever it takes to help you heal...letting you know where he is all the time, giving you access to his email, his cell phone--all the tools he used to carry out his deception.
He will have to draw up a list of "extraordinary precautions" to live by, in order to protect himself, you and the marriage from any future stupidities. (Example: I will not spend time alone with any woman except my wife. I will not share personal information with any woman not my wife. You get the idea.)
He will have to learn what your emotional needs are and meet them, even when he doesn't FEEL like it (and he probably won't, in the beginning). He'll have to stop any love busting behavior he's developed over the years (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespect, independent behavior, dishonesty about
anything...).
Even then, it will take a long time to trust him again. And you will NEVER write him another emotional blank check again, nor should you. (I should mention that whilie you are freaked out, fearful and in pain right now, it is common for the BS to experience a surge of anger at WS at about the 6-month mark in recovery, so be prepared.)
I agree that it would help you both to do phone counseling with one of the MB coaches. We talked with Steve Harley (separately, while the A was winding down) and Steve was a tremendous help. Convinced my then-wayward H that there WAS a way back... Folks who've talked with Jennifer Harley Chalmers have found her extremely helpful too. At $195/hr, it's money well spent, as it can help you move more quickly through this horror back to a place of less pain.
Read everything linked to the home page here, and study carefully the information in the books His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters and Surviving An Affair. It's ALL important.
It's especially difficult to do what you must the first year after such devastation, but if you're both committed to overcoming the damage and making your marriage something you BOTH enjoy, it will be well worth it.
I didn't think
anything could put us back together again, but reading all the MB material, talking with Steve Harley, doing the MB weekend and the home course work afterward has put us in a better place than we'd been since the earliest years of our marriage. We've eliminated love busters almost entirely, and working hard to meet each other's emotional needs, along with that all-important 15 hours a week (minimum) of undivided-attention time together has helped us fall in love again.
Not perfect, mind you, but better than ever.
Please take as much guidance as you can from the MB resources. They are truly marriage savers, as well as marriage builders.
Right Here Waiting