I recently caught my wife in an affair. We agreed to a temporary separation. Since catching my wife in the affair, I have found out that she has had 2 affairs previous to the one I caught her in. She has come to me recently telling me that she love me and that she wants to work on our relationship. I realize that I may not have met her emotional needs in the past, but I have recently gone out of my way to try for her, in addition to raising 3 children by myself. My problem is that while I feel I am going out of my way for her, I feel neglected by her, as if she wants me to do for her with no return on my "investment". This feeling is intensified because today I had to pay my cell phone bill, and found that she is still communicating with the guy involved in the affair I caught her in. Not only am I watching my marriage fail, I'm paying for the privledge of watching it as well. I am feeling very used, and am loosing my sense of fight. Anybody out there got any advice?<BR>
I offer no advice, as my marriage failed, however it is obvious that she is still involved in the affair...<P>------------------<BR>
Slapped!,<P>If you haven't already done so, take some time to read some of the information found on the site, and if you haven't yet been introduced by NSR, read his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>general welcome</A>.<P>When you're in Plan A mode, you basically go out of the way for the wayward spouse, and seeing little or no result, this is very common, however, you are making progress, you will present yourself as an attractive alternative to return to, whereas you would be pushing your wife more forcefully into the OM's arms if you followed your gut instinct and started Love Busting her or started to make demands on her.<BR>Later on you will hopefully reap the rewards of a wife, wanting to return to you, when her brain starts working again.<P>It's also important that you realize that you have some of the blame for bringing the marriage to a point where the affair became a possibility for your wife, though the affair is her responsibility and hers alone. Work on meeting all of the needs that she will let you meet, and hopefully you will soon have your wife back and be on your way to recovery.<BR>Take it from some of us that have travelled this route, an affair hurts like he!!, but a rebuilt marriage after can be a lot better and stronger than it has ever been before.<P>So stay strong and focused on your Plan A and getting a wonderful marriage back...<P>Hope and Prayers for you and your family.
Slapped - Welcome to my life! W continues affair, no apparent interest in reconcilliation, just wants a "quick divorce, as easy as possible, with as little damage as possible to the kids." Cell phone (on my company's account, provided "for emergencies") had over $250 in calls last month, largely to OM. Do we turn them off?<P>My perspective is to really work on a strong Plan A, as my wife and our possible long-term relationship are much more important than a few dollars to AT&T and lack of short term ROI. Remember Harley's caution that while working on Plan A, not to expect an immediate return. You do it for you, to know that you did all you could to save the marriage, irrespective of the eventual end result in the short term. We can control our behavior, we cannot control that of another person. <P>Financial return on investment is measured under the presumption that ALL cash flows, in and out, from the investment are known. Emotional ROI seems inherently more difficult to quantify - particularly if the "success" of the Plan A emotional expenditures (as measured in terms of eventual reconcilliation) are unknown. If the eventual return is reconstruction of your marriage, what "negative cash flow" is it worth?