HI again.<P>It has been almost a week since my last post. Things had been going better. Not so much name calling and so much ugliness this week. My H still hurts though and I can understand that. We have been having some good days together, and tonight he is ready to call it quits again. He says that I shouldn't have ever done what I did, and he is right about that. I have no argument about that. I am trying to be patient with him, and understand his hurt, but at times he won't let me in. It's like he tries to be nice just to slap me in the face for what I did. He will ask me what is wrong, like he cares, and I'm sure he does, and then when I tell him he gets mad at me and says things to hurt me. I love my husband more than anything in the world, and I hate what I have done to him, to us and our family. I know that I can't take back what I did, but I am trying so hard to show him that it is him that I love, and him that I want to be with. It's like that doesn't matter to him. Will this get better? and how do I know if it is time to just give up and quit?

{MUDD},<P>Your H really needs counseling bad...<P>You should get started on it too...<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Please take this seriously...<P>So many have the attitude...<BR>..."I can do this myself"...<BR>...and sadly... there work slowly dies... to bring up those thoughts of "how do I know if it is time to just give up and quit?".<P>It sounds like a lot of money (and for some it is...) but without that third party to guide you through the stumbling blocks...<BR>...the fall may be too great.<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim

MUDD,<P>You will go through this for awhile. You don't even think about giving up. Make it his decision and you will see that the days he wants to give up will get further apart. It takes a long time to heal this wound. <P>As I believe I said to you before, Time and Patience, T&P are what are required. You both have a lot to get veor and it will take up to two years. So hang in there, and if you can both of your get counseling.<P>This will work out if you keep loving him. It is hard I know but, it will eventually get through. Oh! about the asking and then getting defensive. That is pretty normal. Part of him still loves you, and the other part wants to run for the hills. If you keep at it the loving part will win out, but it will take a long time for him to trust what you say or do.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

MUDD,<P>I'm a BS, so I can really understand what your husband is going through. <P>One minute you want to work everything out and your head is able to rationalize why things happened, but then your heart takes over again, and the pain is incredible. Unfortunately I think it's just human nature to give back some of the pain we are feeling.<P>I think it's wonderful that you are trying hard to show him how sorry you are for what you did and not just saying "it was just a mistake", "why can't you just get over it". Mine keeps saying that. It's only been 3 weeks since I found out. The affair has been over for almost four months, so yeah it's farther in the past for him, but for me it's a fresh gaping wound and I'm losing a lot of blood. <P>Hang in there. Just keep showing him that you are just as sorry if he pulls away as you are when he's willing to be close.

Hi Mudd,<P>I feel for both of you. Boy, if there is some way you two could sit down and agree to stop the name calling, no matter what you feel, it might help.<P>When I found out about OM, I let my anger rule my intellect. I not only lost my wife, kids and home, the dog left too! After reading several of Dr. Harley's columns, it is very understandable.<P>You made a great move just by coming to this site. There is an old saying that when all else has been tried, and everything else has failed, try following the directions. There is a lot of really great stuff here that can help you two if you will let it.<P>Praying for you!

You husband needs to 'grieve' over the loss he has sufferend in his own way and at his own pace. Something has 'died' between you and him. I was a manager in a lot of hospitals for a number of years. What I saw there when it came to the deaths of loved ones, friends, etc. is that people react very differently to a death. I read somewhere that there are a certain number of steps in the grieving process that must be addressed by the grieving person. I really think that something literally dies in a marriage when the vow of fidelity is broken.<P>Give him time to come to grips with what has happened. He has to find 'a place' to put this hurt you gave him. Believe me he knows it won't be like it never happened so he has to emotionally bend and twist this 'thing' into something he can live with the rest of his life. And that's more difficult for some to accomplish than others. It has been three long agonizing tedious years for me.<P>The best to you and yours.

MUDD,<P>Would you like some cheese with that whine? Come on, think about it. YOU did everything you could to destroy the husband, kids, and married life you claim to love. And then wonder why your H swings back and forth between the love he feels for you and the hurt you caused. DUH!<P>Did you think a bandaid (I'm sorry) was going to some how make it all go away? Surely not.<P>Sorry to sound harsh but I am stunned by anyone that creates such a situation and then sits around crying over the results. Maybe if you go through the pain, you created it will help you keep your legs shut and your eyes open.