What a painful journey this is.<BR>One though I will grow from ( as will we all.)<BR>I hope you don't mind me blabbing on but perhaps some of you might get some insight into how you have reached this point in your life too by reading of someone elses experiences.<P>I am realising that I lost "me" when I had my first child twelve years ago.<BR>I threw myself totally into that role and immediately my perceptions of mysef changed.<BR>"ME, the MOTHER" be a sexual person???<BR>It didn't feel right and so slowly I began building up those walls and shutting out that side of me.<BR>To further complicate things I never really had a good feeling about sex anyway as I was abused as a child.<BR>It took twelve years...or maybe sooner to completely lose that part of me and coupled with the fact that my husband cheated on me ten years ago...well...Intimacy just became something to be feared totally.<BR>There were times that my husband would want to buy me a really sexy pair of leather pants...I would laugh and say "Yeah...I could wear them while I do the vaccuming!"<BR>Slam went that door in his face.<BR>There were times he bought me sexy underwear...<BR>I just never wore it.<BR>Slam went that door.<BR>There were times he really wanted to "make love" to me....long drawn out sessions...<BR>"Im too tired...I have to get up for the kids"<BR>Slam !<BR>I have become an expert at slamming all these doors.<BR>Afraid all my life of letting somebody in because right from a child I have grown up with perceptions that if I let people get close, they WILL hurt me.<BR>I have simply retreated to lick my wounds and tried to live a life where I didn't have to be a "woman" and a 'partner" to my spouse.<BR>Perhaps even by doing this I was trying to prove that if he really DID love me he would just put up with it.<BR>He has told me it was not the sex he missed...but of course that comes into it...but it was the intimacy.<BR>I never made him feel desired sexually so how could he feel as a person? <BR>He simply felt rejected and resented and to blame for everything.<BR>He had made me feel bad ten years ago so I worked really hard at making him feel bad.<BR>so there we were , two people, who from the outside appeared "content", with our four smiling children, our happy family life when behind closed doors all we were doing was punishing each other.<BR>He did try to tell me but I took it as a whiney male thing "I want more sex".<BR>Of course if he had of said<BR>"Hey, I am hurting!" I would have paid attention.<BR>But...how many men out there can be that open and honest about such deep feelings...especially to a partner who was just running around slamming doors.<BR>Its sad to see the situation through my new eyes...How desperate were we both just to be loved and how insecure were we with ourselves?<BR>Perhaps if I had had the opportunity and less hangups about sex then it might have been ME looking for attention elsewhere.<BR>But it wasn't me...it was him and that is a hurt that will take a long long time to go away.<BR>Perhaps it is the only obstacle in our path right now.<BR>It will be easier to forgive though as I can see HOW this has all happened and I have to take my share of the responsibility as to why it all happened.<BR>Do I sound like I am blaming myself totally?<BR>I don't want to...I don't want to be a Martyr here.<BR>Though councelling I am hoping we will both learn better communication skills ( especially my husband) and that we will learn to get out of our "roles" as "the blamer" and the "blamed".<BR>I feel as though we are falling in love with each other all over again...It's hard, its painful but in a way it's also exciting...strange hey?

Thanks for sharing your story...<P>Parts of it apply to each one of us.<P> <P>Jim