Marriage Builders®
Posted By: Baloe d-day a week ago and keep thinking about them - 12/05/00 06:29 AM
Can anybody give me any advice on how to deal with this?<BR>I found out last week that the week before my H had sex with a woman I know too.<BR>We've been married for 10 years and no affairs have taken place till this.<BR>To me this is the biggest mistake he could have made. He says he was missing love and attention (wich I'm part to blame for), but now everytime he touches me I think of how he touched her, how she touched his body.<BR>The first few nights I slept on the couch, but we had really good talks and there is a lot of honesty. I'm ready to deal with what led up to it, to work on our relationship. But i'm not ready for him to touch me.It gives me the chills and realy upsets me.<BR>There is so much anger as in Why did he take THAT step.And not only once as in" I didn't intent to" but they did it they could have stopped it.(they both say they felt bad after the 1e tim !) so WHY a second time!<BR>Help....I feel so angry now, so betrayed, so sad.<BR>I realy love him and want to make this work.<BR>
Baloe<P>No advice at least not much. Just time, it has been 4 months since D-Day and I still have icky thoughts a lot of the time. I talk to my H about them, we have a thing that we use that helps me, one is instead of saying I love you (which he said to her) he says My Heart. and our sex life has changed drastically since he did exactly the same with her as he did with me, he says it is all he has ever known, and yes I wanted all of the gory details. When I am uncomfortable thinking that they did the same things he reassures me with "Just us" so I know that he didn't share this with the OW. It helps sometimes to just ease my mind and not think so much about it. Good luck and just come here often, and have you thought of getting counseling? Jenni
First, you are in the right place for wonderful support and understanding.<P>It is so early for you to be thinking sex with this man. He should understand your feelings and give you space to come to terms with this mighty blow he has dealt.<P>Explain your need to feel safe with him again before you can be intimate. It is much better for both of you to focus on rebuilding your marriage before taking such a big step in trust.<P>I had horrible visions of my H and OW having sex when we were first intimate after d-day and it's better, but I still have these visions from time to time (it's just shy of 1 year since d-day).<P>Are you in counseling yet? Please be kind to yourself and take all the time you need.<P>Karen
Oh boy, am I struggling with this one also. Since I found out Sunday, W and I have made love 5 (long) times. We both took off work yesterday and things got out of hand all day long. It makes me feel secure I guess. Not to mention the fact that I'm MADLY in love with her. The entire story of the ickiness of my W and OM is at General Questions II. I still can't get over the images of "them" being together. If I never do (and subsequently never forgive), then our marriage will probably be over. Good luck and keep posting....<P>Brad
Baloe,<BR>1 week wow, that is soon. You’re doing the right things. “dealing with what led up to it to work on our relationship” Time will have a great affect on this. What your facing has been very difficult for me to deal with also. Now 7 weeks into this I have found things to ease the visions a bit maybe they will help when you’re ready. I am no expert, just talking of my experiences.<P>I know it sounds impossible but just refuse to think of it any time your being intimate. Yes difficult, but it can be done. (time will help) <P>If you have to stop, then stop. But tell H you may have to stop long before you ever try.<P>Yes you may have to take some time before resuming this part of your M but I would suggest not too much time if at all possible. We BS’s tend to dwell on things and this could develop into a bad habit.<P>Go on a date. Get dressed to kill, (Feel good about yourself) go to dinner (skip the drink) Talk about anything but this. Talk about why you were first attracted to each other, your dating years and early years together. Revisit the good times and see how it makes you feel.<P>Pick a place, for me environment = memory. I have found somewhere other than the bedroom (or your normal place) has been beneficial. Now we kind of have a new place in which to reunite our passion.<P>I also know that with the images come issues of self doubt. Try to bear in mind that you have 10 years of history, knowledge, love etc. with your H. There is absolutely no way that in 2 times with this OW she could come close to the passion you have shared. So loose the self doubt you’re just plain ol better than her anyday! Go into it with this confidence.<P>Why a second Time? Good question, I don’t know the answer but I look at it this way. My W will kill me for putting this in writing but here goes. My W’s A was on again off again for months their encounters took place often enough that any count was lost. I look at the first time as the only meaningful time. After that the damage is done, the ugliness is out there and the worst of the guilt (on this level) is over for the WS. It’s really meaningless if it happens again and that makes it so much easier for them to do (Certainly not to live with, but to do). Let me also point out that I have heard from my W and read from other WS’s that it is like an addiction. Once you do the drug (Have your need met) you’re drawn back to it again even if you know it is wrong. I have come to a place where numbers are really meaningless to me also. I do not believe that I would really feel any better or worse if it was one time or 500 times. Ask yourself honesty if you would? If not don’t pick this to dwell on. <P>You’re on the right road, look into the counseling and books on the subject can be located in NSR’s post titled “Books”. If you have never found God or maybe just misplaced him, know that he is there waiting for you to ask for help.<P>Oswald<BR>
Hi there,<BR>All of you thanks a lot for responding.<BR>The way I found out about it was that on sunday morning I got up and decided to check his emails....Boy what a mistake!<BR>I found the love letter he sent to her on the day that they last did it.<BR>Apperently they had a wonderfull time wich he was missing in our relationship.<BR>Maybe that's also why I'm having a hard time with this. This was maybe my wake up call to really show him how much I love him.<BR>I insist on going to counseling together and wednesday I'm going for my 2e session and next week I want us to go together. He agrees with it.<BR>As far as I know there has not been any contact, but since she lives in the same town, there is no way of checking the phone calls...<BR>I'm also scared that since he was missing the fun in sex, and he did what he did, I'm not able to have sex with him now and that I will draw him straight back into her arms again, that he cannot wait till I'm ready for it .I also feel that I'm slowly moving my borderlines, giving in, letting him closer than I realy want, to show him I want to work on the problems.<P>Maybe this is all something I need to work out for myself and is the only thing I need a place to vent...I don't know...<P>I am planning though on getting the book about surviving an affair. Maybe it will help me to deal with it.<BR>But already, just the support I get here keeps me going, and not running away from all of this. Thanks.<BR>
I am sorry for your pain. And I wish there where easy answers, but this is the best place to be. I hope that you can be this open and honest with your H. and tell him your fears. IT is a risk, because he might use them against you. But that is a risk I took, and I was surprised how gentle my H. became when I told him how hurt, and how frighten I was that he would go back to the OW. I hope that through time, my H. will see how much I love him, but I will never again be his doormat. I wish you luck, and I will keep you in my prayers.<BR>
Baloe, it's going to take time. I know that sucks and you will absolutely come to hate that phrase. I have no absolute answers. No one does. You are in a situation much like mine seven months ago. H had been having an e-mail A which turned into a week long PA when the OW was staying at our house! He was so eaten with guilt that it didn't take me long to start checking his e-mail where I came upon a very short but brief e-mail from him to her which left me no doubt what was going on. The words will be imprinted on my brain until the day I die. I then received a very long and detailed letter from the OW with a bunch of crap about how she and my H were soulmates and the reason her own marriage wasn't making it was because her H wasn't more like my H.<P>Now, about the sex. I slept in a guest room for a few nights until he promised to break off contact with the OW. Since we had sex shortly before my discovering the A, I sort of figured, if he could do it without love, well dog gone it, so could I. I used to think sex was about love and intimacy, but then I grew cynical and realized that if it was there wouldn't be fifty million people having casual sex in the world. So, I geared up and said to myself, I can be better than she is. I asked him what she did that I didn't do and from that moment on I now do all of those things. I rarely if ever say no. I practically chase him down. He actually got tired of me wanting sex all the time. I think he really got tired of me wanting to be better than OW, but hey, what should he expect when my self-esteem gets shot to h***? I guess the point is, if the sex is something he needs, and you really want to make the marriage work, you may just have to jump in there with both feet. <P>Since d-day, I have never not thought about the OW during sex or shortly thereafter. I am hoping that in time, that will no longer be the case. My H says he never thinks of her when having sex with me. I do not know when he does think about her, or how often, or if they are good or bad, but your H may be the same way. I think though, that the longer you wait to have sex, the harder it may be for you. A week is soon, to be sure, but don't wait too long. This may be cynical, but every moment you wait gives him a chance to remember sex with the OW, and perhaps yearn for it if he is not getting it from you. It's a man's number one need, remember? I've set about trying to erase my H's mind of that as much as possible. You may want to give that some thought.<P>Do be careful though about using protection until your H is checked for STD's. By the time I learned about the A, it was too late for me to take precautions. <P>Good luck to you. You have a long road ahead of you. You are in a good situation though that your H seems to be willing to be open with you. I don't know how you learned about the A, but on the bright side, it seems to be only a one time thing. With a lot of work on your marriage, you should be able to pull through this.
Lapeine, <BR>Thanks for your reply, I read up on your story and a lot seems similar.<BR>Things are going pretty wel, we talk, we both read SAA and respect each others needs for time to think, to be alone, or not to touch (mostly I don't want to be touched).<BR>I'm not so sure about jumping in the sex with both feet and trying to erase the other experiences. I can see where it would help him and me, but I don't know if I can.<BR>There were 2 ocasions where they had sex and I know only when the last time took place (a week before I found out, the day after we made love)so I don;t know if any testing would make any sense, since we made love almost ervery week. If he has gotten something from her, then I have it too by now.<BR>I want to ask him about testing but I don't know how to without defending him (LB? ). Should I fist have myself tested?<BR>Thanks a lot for the talk(writing):-)<P>p.s. Sorry if sometimes words are wrong, English is not my first language, we live in the states now for 3 years.
Yes - you have every right to be tested! Initially my H was angry that I inferred his OW could be carrying any disease - she's a Physician and a Widow and he was her "first" in over two years, but I just said to him " How do you really know that?". Also, being an ER physician, well, she's at risk too. Anyway - I was initially hesitant in the Doctor's office, but my Doctor said "OF COURSE", you have every reason, every right to be tested. So I did. Everything negative. [Linked Image from]
© Marriage Builders® Forums