Want to forgive and forget. - Marriage Builders® Forums

My husband is in the Marine corps. Last Feb we eloped. The first 2 months of our marriage were rough ( to say the least). We did not yet live together. He left for the field in march. For his weekend off, during Easter, he went home to Texas- to see his children from a previous relationship. I was very hurt that he did not visit me, but forgave since his children are important. While he was gone, a male friend drove me home after a party ( i had had too much to drink). He spent the night then went home the next morning. Nothing happened to comprimise my marriage. I told my husband about it when he returned from the field 2 months later. He was mad but said he forgave me- somewhat. We moved in together in August. Since August, we have fought bitterly over that male friend of mine having spent the night. 4 days ago he admited to me that when he had gone to TX to see his children, he had had a one night stand with his children's mother. He says he was staying at his parent's home, the children's mother showed up and my mother-in-law insisted she stay - the drive home for her was very far. He claims that he woke up in the middle of the night, she was on top of him kissing him and touching him. I am so upset. I feel so betrayed. I do not have many friends in my new town and just want someone to talk to. But what gets me the most is, as hurt as I feel, I also feel sorry for him. We have had the most awesome marriage until this point and the last week has been very nice- when I dont think about what is going on. He is open and always wants to talk and answer my questions. I want to rebuild but I also am scared.

Don't loose hope. Your relationship sounds like it's strong. Yes, the forgiveness process could be quite tricky. The main thing to remember is that you both need to make the same committment to your marriage and remember why you got married in the first place. Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting. Talking about the incident and reasuring each other of your love will eventually lead you to healing. Remember that forgetting could be a lot tougher than forgiving, but, forgiving will eventually make your marriage stronger. Just keep on voicing your feeling. That helps a lot in the letting-go process. Stay strong.Peace, BJ

Comet, I am in the Marine Corps. Where is your H stationed at? I understand the heart ache that you have felt. If you were living in the same house why didn't he want to take you with him? I have never taken anytime off work without my W and kids. I as a Marine understand the turmol that the service can put on a marriage. I will pray for you and you family tonight let us know what happens.Indy

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by INDY_357: Comet, I am in the Marine Corps. Where is your H stationed at? I understand the heart ache that you have felt. If you were living in the same house why didn't he want to take you with him? I have never taken anytime off work without my W and kids. I as a Marine understand the turmol that the service can put on a marriage. I will pray for you and you family tonight let us know what happens.Indy<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>We are at Camp Pendleton in California. I didn't move to Camp Pendleton until 3 months after he was done in the field (7 months after we got married). I'm from central California though so we always spent most of our weekends together.

We are at Camp Pendleton in California. I didn't move to Camp Pendleton until 3 months after he was done in the field (7 months after we got married). I'm from central California though so we always spent most of our weekends together. Comet, Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I was stationed at CamPen in 1995. What is your H's job? I know that you feel alittle out of place. How far are you from your family? Does anyone in your family know what is going on? Try to schedule an appointment with the Base Chaplin. They are very good. Have you read any of the information on this site? I would suggest that you start a Plan A. You said that your H atleast talks to you. You are close to the beach. Take him out for a walk at night just to talk and connect with him. I will pray for you tonight. Keep your chin up. Indy [This message has been edited by INDY_357 (edited July 05, 2001).]

Plan A look good, problem is, the other women is the mother of his children. I just spent the last year of my life in the most gruesome custody case imaginable and can't imagine trying to end any contact at all he might have with his children. I feel very strongly that he would never cheat with her again- I just have some doubts about the rest of the world now. He is very devoted to me- lately he worships the ground I walk on. The fact that he is so upset is a good thing, I ocassionally throw out some mean comments (to remind him that I have not forgiven him yet) but it reminds me that he is also hurting by his decision. We spend about an hour every evening talking or just sitting and thinking about the "dirty deed" as he calls it. He did it because he claims because he couldn't resist her wanting him so badly at a time when our marriage was very rough. For his job, he fixes radios. For a marine wife, I know NOTHING about the abbreviations and numbers. 2814 maybe? It's not that I don't care, I know his friends where he works and what he does, I am just to civilian to take it all in =-). I kinda sorta want to talk to the chaplain (especially when he first told me) but I too worried about his getting in trouble for adultry. I belive that there should be more seperation between family and job and it's not his "bosses" job to know what our most personal issues are. Would we have to worry about the chaplain coming back to hurt him (us) from a promotion standpoint? And your last question, no one else knows whats happened. I have one excellent friend here and many at home, but they would crucify him. I also feel to humiliated to talk to them about it. BTW, thank you for caring and being here.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Comet: [B]Plan A look good, problem is, the other women is the mother of his children. I just spent the last year of my life in the most gruesome custody case imaginable and can't imagine trying to end any contact at all he might have with his children.No, I don't think that he sould cut off contact with his children. I think that you should go with him when he sees his children. For is mother to ask her to stay was wrong. It is not her fault for the dirty deed as you call it. That is your H's fault. He will always have feelings for her in some fashion, because they have had children together. But, that does not justify your H's actions. He is married to you. I would suggest that both of you look at and fill out the his/her needs questionaires. This will give you some insight as to what he needs from you and vice versa. You will also want to get a copy of Surviving an Affair.I ocassionally throw out some mean comments (to remind him that I have not forgiven him yet) but it reminds me that he is also hurting by his decision. That is what we call a love buster. Read up on those as well. When you say things like that you withdraw from his love bank. For his job, he fixes radios. For a marine wife, I know NOTHING about the abbreviations and numbers. 2814 maybe? It's not that I don't care, I know his friends where he works and what he does, I am just to civilian to take it all in =-).I can understand completely. I was goning into communications when I first enlisted, but change to the admin field. I kinda sorta want to talk to the chaplain (especially when he first told me) but I too worried about his getting in trouble for adultry. I belive that there should be more seperation between family and job and it's not his "bosses" job to know what our most personal issues are. Would we have to worry about the chaplain coming back to hurt him (us) from a promotion standpoint?I can understand, but the Chaplain will not and can not talk to his superiors about the adultery. Now if the OW tries to retaliate for that deed then she could go to his command. The Chaplain is their for that reason. I would sugggest that you schedule an appointment. You can either ask him to come or just go for yourself.You are part of the Marine Corps and we are all a family, and that is what family is for.Indy

Comet, Did you set up an appointment with the Chaplain? If so, did your H go with you?Indy

Comet, Are you out there?????Indy

I must have hit the wrong button when I went to send my last message cause it isn't here =-) Everything has been ok up until last night. I haven't had much time to deal with the situation. Ive been busy trying to get my paperwork and everything put together for my custody hearing at the end of the month. Everything seemed to be ok until last night. I have been trying to decide between seeing the chaplain and going to a marriage class but im thinking the chaplain is the better choice to deal with the situation. We've been having a really awesome last week then last night OW called and left a message for H to call her. Her having had called was the reminder that she will ALWAYS be in his life but the fact that they had a nice conversation while they were on the phone really bugged me (yes I did tell my husband I was mad and why). I think he didn't really understand it though. I understand she has to call and he should call her also but do they have to actually get along???

Comet, Sorry I have been really busy myself. I am glad that you and your H have had a good week. Forgive me, but what custody case. My memory isn't very good right now. I would agree that the Chaplian would be best. About the conversation that your H and the OW had. Was it a casual conversation like you would have with a friend or was it more? I know that it bothers you. My W doesn't even *67 before she calls me now. She throws it in my face, so it could be alot worst. I would talk to your H about keeping the conversations as short as possible. If she calls he should ask her if the kids need anything. Tell him that you would like to be there when she calls. That way he won't get in over his head, and you will be a constent reminder that he is married to your not her. By the way I thought that you had fallen off of the face of the earth.Indy

I'm going to court at the end of this month for custody of my son. It's been an ugly and time comsuming case. My husband is trying to make arrangements for the two of us to see the chaplain either today or tomorrow then we have a marriage communication class we are going to tomorrow night. It was just a casual conversation that they had but at this point I don't even want to hear her name let alone know she's on the phone. (i'm guessing that *67 is for you what *69 is for us- it calls the last person to call you right back again ?)I don't know what to think now. I don't want to think anymore. I'm having a hard time sitting here thinking about the custody case AND the situation. It would be nice to be left alone for a little while- but then for me, that would probably make things worse (the type of person I am). Maybe it will do me some good to speak with the chaplain though..

Comet, I am glad to hear that you and your H are going to see the chaplian and are going to attend the marraige class. I understand what it is like to get ready for a custody case. I am going to court on Thursday for mine. But, that is another story. The *67 is used to block your telephone number from being displayed on someone's caller id. She would always use it so I wouldn't know where she is calling from, but she has stopped doing that for the past couple of weeks. I can understand about not wanting to hear the OM's name. My kids would tell me how they had a great time with OM and mommy. I have told them that I am happy that you had a good time with mommy, but I don't want to hear about the OM. I don't yell at them for it I just gentlely tell them that I don't want to hear it. I can also relate to wanting to be alone. I have had times that all I want to do is to be completely left alone, but you don't get that when you are trying to raise two kids alone. Let me know about the visit with the Chaplain goes.Indy[This message has been edited by INDY_357 (edited July 16, 2001).]

Comet, I just wanted to see how you are doing. Let me know.Indy

Comet, Just wanted to see how you were doing.Indy

Comet, I was just wondering how things were going.Indy

Comet, How are things going? I am starting to wonder if you are ok. Indy

Again looking for Comet. Are you out there?Indy

Comet, Just checking to see how everything is going. You have be gone for awhile. Tell us how everything is going.Indy

I saw the title of your post and had to reply. Tonight at counseling the couns. gave me a sheet (another one) on forgiveness. This was the last paragraph:Forgetting is not a requirement of forgiveness. Hurts teach us that some people are not safe for us to be around; this is wisdom, not unforgiveness. Only God can forgive and forget. We are to forgive and remember-it becomes part of the sweetness of God's grace and our wisdom.I thought this might help you. I know it's going to take me a while to work thru this whole affair mess and forgive both my H and ex best friend. It's the hardest homework I've ever had. Good luck

Comet, How are things going? We haven't heard from you for awhile. Indy

[QUOTE]Originally posted by INDY_357: [B]Comet, How are things going? We haven't heard from you for awhile. Hi. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you in so long. I just don't really know what to write. I don't things are going any better than they were a few months ago. We were doing better the last few weeks and now i'm back in the same mood most of the time that I was in after I found out. I e-mailed a close friend and tried to talk to a girlfriend down the street but they weren't ... I guess you could say 'there for me'. I just don't know what else to do.

Comet, It is good to hear from you. Sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. I have been pretty busy as of late. I just passed my 7th wedding aniversery. On top of that the things that took place a few days ago have kept me busy. Is your H's unit part of the deployment to the Gulf Region? If he is then my prayers are with you both. My situation has taken alot of my time lately We all go through the ups and downs in this process. We like to call it the roller coaster. I know that you may fell down today, but look forward to tommorrow.Indy

Comet, I has been awhile since I heard from you. Can you give ma an update on how things are going?Indy

Comet, It has been awhile since we have heard from you. How are you and your H doing? Indy