Marriage Builders®
Posted By: deelam Not Coping - 05/06/02 11:33 AM
I have been married for 14 years and have 4 daughters. My husband moved out two weeks ago and stated he needed to clear his head and figure out what he wanted in life. He states he is unhappy and needs to find happiness. He stated it is not do to me or the children. I recently found photographs of my husband with another female. This has completely devastated me. I was angry and lashed out at him. He states he does not want a divorce, however, he has no desires to be with me. He does not want to be intimate with me, he states I upset his stomach each time we are together. What do I do??? I have read all the articles on this web site and they have provided me with some insight. However, it is still hard to deal with.<p>I am not functioning well. I cant sleep, I have no desire to eat food. I cry all the time at the drop of a hat. This is not good for my daughters. I need to move on with my life but having difficulties advancing.<p>I said many hateful things to my husband, that I can not take back. I miss him and I truly love him more than I love life. What do I do?? We have not spoken to each other in days. Now that it is out in the open he states a lot of pressure has been lifted off his shoulders. I feel now I have all the pressure.
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/06/02 12:08 PM
Dear deelam,
if I could I'd give you a big hug and try to give you a portion of my strength. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
I feel what pain you are going through.
If I could give you advice, I wouldn't be sure if you would follow it. But I will try. I still have my own pain to deal with, but I would say I am past this stage of pain that is so new for you.<p>First if possible, try to calm down abit. Breath slowly and deeply. (not too deep, you might get unconcious! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )
Try to think, what would you or could you imagine things to be like? Do you want your marriage to work out???
If the answer is yes, then realize, this means alot of work and even more strength. (woman do have more strength than men, think about this!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) No man would be able to cope with giving birth to a child and you have given birth to 4!!!!<p>So I'd say you are very strong, you might not be aware of this right now but you are strong!!!!!!<p>Not being able to sleep,eat crying are normal. I think we have all went through this. (many are happy about the No eating stage, it makes us look good!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Even if you think it is impossible, wait until you H contacts you. In the mean-time do all you can for yourself!!!!!!!! Be good to yourself.
If you cannot eat at the moment, make sure to drink good things that will keep you strong. I drank alot of vegetable juice and fruit juices and milk. This helped not fall apart at that time. <p>Make sure that you are doing something for your looks. Even if you don't think you have the strength for that at the moment, try it. You want to look your best when your H contacts you!!!!!<p>Imagine the next time he sees you. How do you want him to see you? As you said you saw pics of him and an OW. You will have to step into plan A if you would like this to go into the direction of success. The first thing your H will notice is the way you look.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to explain. The next thing that I find what helped me was to stay calm.
Stay calm and if you feel aggressive, try to get help about this!!!!! Your H must have reasons wanting to come back to you.<p>At the beginning when I had found out, I didn't know MB and yet this is what I did.
I thought first: ok, my H is having an A!
OW is doing good things for him!
She is looking good and is doing good things for herself!
She is calm and understanding!
She listens to him and shows admiration!<p>I thought ok if this is what attracts my H and is this is what he wants, he can get it from me! <p>I worked my butt off and it worked. I became aware of his EN's and I stuffed him with his EN'S.
He ended his A immediatly and since I was giving him what he thought only OW could give him got him thinking.
He realized and started to think again. Before this I think he was sorta "gaga!" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
I thought alot about the time when we had met and I noticed that I had changed alot. He was missing alot of things, so was I. But we have learned alot and are now able to talk about all things.<p>I hope this will help you abit and I hope you understand what I am explaining. I know it seems unfair at the beginning for us BS to have to bring up even more strength to make things work out. More strength in a situation that has just turned our world upside down, but I am happy now that I did bring up this strength. Our marriage is better than it ever was. Even if I still have my bad days. My H said to me the other day, if you hadn't of reacted so understanding and calm, I wouldn't of seen any reason to stay with you and make things work out.
If you are feeling bad, come to MB.
You will get alot of help and it will help you to stay calm and let out your aggressions!!!!
Do alot of reading too, you will learn so much and it helps!!!!!!
hug ya
Posted By: redhat Re: Not Coping - 05/06/02 12:10 PM
deelam,<p>Welcome to MB. Learn as much as you can about MB, follow the link under my signature, start with General Welcome. You are not alone.<p>Your H is still very much in the fog, do not take his action personally. Those words comes out from his fog, a rationalization of his selfish behavior. H's stomach upsets is 'cause by stress and guilt that he puts on himself.<p>Learn not to LB and make it safe for H to try. Learn plan A to care about your M. Get medication from your doctor, I was on one until couple days ago. Get busy w/ your time ... do not leave idle time on your schedule.<p>-RH-
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/06/02 10:35 PM
Thank you for your kind words, it truly helped make my day [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I really want my marriage to work, but I am so angry right now it is hard.<p>One of my friends gave me the same advice you did regarding taking care of myself first and backing away from H. The backing away is the hardest thing, we have been together 15 yrs and married 14 yrs. He has always been my best friend and lover. So this OW is such a shock too my system.<p>I had a feeling it was going on but was never sure. He had all the classic signs, i.e. staying up late, going out with "friends" each night, not answering his cell phone while at home. I can't believe I was so blind, or maybe I was just in denial.<p>Anyway, I truly appreciated your words of wisdom! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I just pray that all the things I am ready and doing will eventually bring him back. I miss him and love him so much. My days seem to get longer and longer.<p>I try to stay busy with work and with my daughters but I find myself just getting to stressed out.<p>As far as my appearance goes, the minute he closed the door on me, I did a complete 360 and changed my appearance. Friends are telling me now he is wondering what I have been doing, and who I am seeing. I don't want to give him the impression that I am moving on without him, because I can't move on!<p>deelam
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/07/02 09:32 AM
Dear deelam,<p>redhat is giving you very good advice!!!read, read and read again, this too will fill out some time and it surely helps!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Friends are telling me now he is wondering what I have been doing, and who I am seeing.<p>hmmmmm this gets me thinking. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] why is he thinking who you could be meeting and why is he interested in what you have been doing??? If you ask me, there is interest.
I truely believe that the looks do count, it is the first thing that got my H attracted again and got him thinking and curious again!!!!!<p>Don't feel bad that you didn't notice that something was going wrong with you H, we all didn't, at least I didn't. This is because we can't believe that our beloved H's would do a thing like this. When they get out of their "fog" they don't believe it themselves.<p>As I said, stay calm (please, this is so important) you want to give him reasons to want to come back to YOU!!!!!!!!!!<p>
I don't want to give him the impression that I am moving on without him, because I can't move on!<p>What impression would you like him to have???
Do you want him to know that "you" feel like you can't go on???? Do you want him to see you all broken up??? Think what attracts him in OW??
A weak, whimpy, pitifull, falling apart woman???
NO of course not. (even though we feel this way finding out that our H are having an A, when they are "foggy" they don't want to see this!)
Think back, when you met each other, or just good years in your marriage. What attracted him, what did he really like about you??? What did he love about you, what things did you do that made him think positive? You've done it once and you can do it again.
This is NO atack, I'm trying to tell you that you are STRONG!!! No matter how hard this might be, this is the fight you will have to go through if you would like it to be a success. You must get him thinking....
You already have gotten him thinking, why would he otherwise be curious about what you have been doing and who you might be seeing????? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Not giving yourself up and being responsible for your children are strong points. Gosh I know how hard this is.........I really know it.
I would advise you as redhat did, to go to your doctor and get medication for the meantime, it will help calm yourself for this time.
Stay busy, busy. Go out with the kids, it helps them and yourself as well.
This is all going to take time, alot of time. Maybe also start to write a jounal, this helps me get my anger out and I'm not hitting anyone with my aggressions.
Have you heard from him yet???? (stay calm at least sound calm. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hug ya
BB<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/07/02 11:41 AM
blondblossom,<p>Thank you again for all you say, it does make sense. Redhat had some good advice as well. I am going to take this one day at a time. My daughters called him last night and he actually returned the call. My 9 yr old asked their father if he wanted to talk to me and he stated, "if I have to". I told her I was tied up cooking dinner that I didnt need to talk with him. Boy, was that painful.<p>He was the one person I would talk too 5-10 times per day. He owns a business that I would do all the bookkeeping for, now he is not even doing his business. It's ok. I did paperwork the other day, and I mailed it to his P.O. Box so he would have it, I did not want to present any agression I had, that I still wanted to help with his business. I continually read everything on this web site.<p>I stayed up all night reading about Plan A, and I think I understand it, however, how can I find out his EN if he won't talk with me, How can I find out what went wrong, if all he says is "it doesnt matter" "I don't want to discuss this anymore", He said we are through, its over, but yet, when I asked him to let me go so that I may move on with my life, he stated,"He does't want a divorce" and that he doesn't use that word. He said, if you want it go file!!<p>I know I need to disregard what he says, and try to do that each day, it is just so hard.<p>I truly wanted to get into some one on one counseling however, I just started a new job and don't have the health insurance yet.<p>He said he would continue to pay all the household bills, but how can he do that if he won't talk to me. All the bills are in, shut off notices are being sent, yet he has not provided the funds yet to pay them. I dont want to push his buttons, but I am getting frustrated.<p>I never cared about money or material things. He took a trip with the "guys" in February and bought be a 14 diamond anniversary band, was this out of guilt???<p>Not sure how long this will go on, our D's have softball tonight so I will have to see him, because he helps with the coaching. Hope it goes well. I guess I will just try to avoid him, because I dont want to get emotionally, as I always do each time I see or hear him.<p>deelam
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/07/02 12:11 PM
haven't got much time, have to go awy in a few min. I read what you wrote.
Stay calm and maybe just give him a warm smile when you see him today. Be sure to look your best!!!
I'll talk to you later.
hug ya
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/07/02 06:43 PM
Hi I'm back again.<p>well I just came back from MC with my H. I feel so/so. I don't feel bad though.<p>If I can I will try to help you some. I am not anyone professional so please consider this. <p>I for myself would say we are doing good even though I am still having problems myself. But we are past the stage that you are in. And gosh, I know how you are feeling and what pain you are going through. It brings tears to my eyes and yet I know it is possible to make this work out!!!<p>for myself I must say this is the hardest experience that I have went through and believe me I have went through alot and yet it is an experience that again is letting me grow and become even stronger.<p>I am so happy that I have found this site, so many people were able to give me "real life" advice and it gave me comfort and strength and this is what you need. <p>I get very emotional, I hope this doesn't bother you, but this all truely touches my heart.<p>but I am so angry right now it is hard. <p>you are right, this is hard!!!! Anger is your right and yet it will not help you at the moment if you direct it against your H!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>taking care of myself first and backing away from H.
the backing away will probably be the hardest part until you understand why. I did this insticktively as I didn't know MB at that time. I backed off and didn't pressure him Think, he is "foggy" or as I would say he is "gaga" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] His mind isn't working in the way that you know him. He probably isn't even able to have one clear feeling. He is sorta like in a coma.
He is porbably trying to find reactions and reasons that will tell himself that what he is doing is right. He might even be depressive and if he is with OW she of course will be telling him that is doing everything right.<p>My H just had to start getting interested and curious about me again. This is when he started to think, is this all reality or a dream? Gosh where an I, what the heck is going on? Until he talks about this in this way it takes awhile. He must start to question himself in his reactions and then the fog will slowly dissolve.<p>I hope you understand me.
Read all you can, they will explain this much better than I can.
I can just tell you that I showed my H all my love and affection when I found out. This made it easier for him to fall back into reality instead of staying in his dreamworld. I know it's hard. I too did alot of crying. This is so normal. I have known my H since I was 14. I am now 41. This is my life, I gave everything I have for this life. I live in a different country, I have no relatives here other than his. My kids are here. We too have a business. I have always done the business work too. So I really understand what you are going through.<p>About the money, hmmmmm. Is this a business where you can become active??? You of course are living in the reality world, he isn't!!! Maybe someone else can give you better advice about this, as I really don't know. <p>I think the first step right now (other than finacial stuff) should be to get him interested so that talking can become possible again. Does he have the kids once in awhile??? I would for sure avoid letting bad feelings out about H through them. Don't let them suffer. Tell them that you love daddy and that he is a good father. (I know, you know he is foggy at the moment) but he probably also feels guilty for what is happening. <p>Telling you that he doesn't want a divorse for me is saying he is not secure with what he is doing.
I truely don't believe this is at all the time to talk about this. I feel so much hope for you two, even if the situation is tremendously difficult for you and hurts like *ell!!!!!!!<p>It is up to you to do what you think is right this evening at softball. I usually listened to my gut.
It has never turned me down!
I did back up at the beginning and didn't pressure. If you feel too hurt, do what you think is right. Maybe just drop your daughter off, ask him calmly when he would like you to pick her up, or if he will bring her home.
Then see how he reacts. (but stay calm no matter how he reacts!!! Stay calm!!!!!) I know this is hard, I really do. Then just see how he reacts. Don't give him any reason to explode or feel bad. (and look as good as you can! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) Get your kids into a good mood before going there. This will get him thinking, he might even start to miss something. Gosh, 4 kids and
they are having fun and I'm not with them.......<p>deelam, I truely wish that others will give you advice too. This is what has helped me and made us strong again. It is the way that I went and it has become successfull. Others will for sure have other great advice.
I hope this helps you some. Always think, you are not alone and I'm thinking of you. I hope you can feel some strength from what I am telling you.
hug ya
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/07/02 11:28 PM
well things didn't go as planned. I showed up at softball and he wasn't there. But that was ok. He showed up 10 min. before it was over. As I got into my car, he asked if any mail had come for him. I proceeded to tell him the mail that arrived and once I mentioned the bills, he informed he was not going to be paying for it all that he would cover our rent and thats all.<p>It through me, but I handled it pretty ok. considering I just started my new job making alot less then what I was making. I left the field and went home with the girls only too have my oldest inform me their father had already been at my house. Thats wrong, he can come and go in my house but the girls cant go to where he his staying. He ended up coming to our house and informing me he was not going to argue anymore, that what he offers to pay is it. He said he no longer wanted to argue with me and that each time we talk all we do is argue.<p>That is such bull. I tried to be nice, but when he started to raise his voice, I got too emotional.<p>I truly believe he doesn't want to end our relationship, but in the same token, he keeps straying down the wrong road. (this is not the first time he has had an A) It seems any time he gets some finances he strays. He goes and hangs out at the bars, and then one thing leads to another.<p>My feelings toward him today were so awful. I told my friend that I love him, but that I hated him so much for what he was doing to me, and that I wish he would just make a decision.<p>He stated their was no OW!! Sorry, photos speak louder than words. He tried to say it happened a while ago, I don't believe it!! <p>He told me too go see a shrink! I couldnt believe it!<p>Love sucks!
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/08/02 09:04 AM
Hi deelam,<p>well things didn't go as planned.<p>sometimes I wish I had a magic crystal that would tell me things ahead of time. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] but this will never happen.
But he did show up. I sorta get the impression that he was maybe feeling guilty. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I proceeded to tell him the mail that arrived and once I mentioned the bills, he informed he was not going to be paying for it all that he would cover our rent and thats all. <hr></blockquote><p>think about what I had said; he is looking for reasons to tell him he is right.
I'd maybe get some help about what you can do about the finances. Do this on your own, don't pressure him!!!! Check out what you can do, what possibilities you have. He sounds definately very "gaga". He is not willing to take full responsibilty. This I would say is normal for his situation at the moment. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I left the field and went home with the girls only too have my oldest inform me their father had already been at my house. Thats wrong, he can come and go in my house but the girls cant go to where he his staying. <hr></blockquote><p>I remember one thread they discussed this too! I think it was a thread from "Terrified". She had the same problem. The advice she got was to change the locks. All locks. They explained that if H didn't want to be part of her life then he'd have to ask to get into house and not have free access to come and go as he likes. He had to learn to reagain respect. This isn't a easy move, cause H's tend to get very angry!!!! It does sound logical though, if girls can't come and go to his place, why should he have the right to. <p>The most important thing to do now is to stay calm. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>That is such bull. I tried to be nice, but when he started to raise his voice, I got too emotional. <hr></blockquote><p>This is human. Don't feel bad. Talk with your doctor about Anti-depress. This will help you alot at this moment. You are going through alot of emotions, this is so natural and we all know what you feel. It's hard to stay calm, I know. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I truly believe he doesn't want to end our relationship, but in the same token, he keeps straying down the wrong road. (this is
not the first time he has had an A) It seems any time he gets some finances he strays. He goes and hangs out at the bars,
and then one thing leads to another. <hr></blockquote><p>This is why I think it is important for you to set a few boundaries. He is surely foggy and isn't willing to take over the responsibility. Ask yourself, what could he be missing? I personally think, having 4 children, an own business and of course alot of bills to pay, has taken alot of energy. From both of you two.
Having kids does let us (if we don't realize this) get distanced from another. It is natural that we don't have all the time in the world to spend with one another. Admiration usually slips away and we take so many things for granted. I'm talking for both sides. I won't even mention "sexuality". This usually drops drastically!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>After finding out that my H had an A. We talked alot. I listened and from he was telling me, he didn't feel loved as I didn't tell him anymore. He didn't feel admired, I didn't tell him. There were many things that shocked me as I thought he knew that I loved him and admired him from the bottom of my heart. I am now aware that he needed to hear this and so do I!!!
We need to have special time only for ourselves without disturbances.
This was all missing and this is what he got from his A. I was for sure not reality what he was getting but it was a part that was missing in our "true life"!<p>Of course this is difficult when you have 4 kids and a business. It takes alot of effort and fantasy. If he had EN for "wanting to be admired" and "sexual fullfillment" then he might of been missing this!!<p>I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, it's just as he sounds as if he is always looking for something. He doesn't want to divorce you and yet it seems to me that he is missing something.<p>You of course are missing out on your EN'S too!
But in your case you first want to get your H's mind back to YOU!!!! Read all you can in MB!!! This is very important for you to understand your situation. You are both very mixed up. Don't even think of giving up, it is far too early.<p>Maybe you could start a thread in "recovery". There are so many out there that can help alot more than I can!!!! It's difficult for me to express myself on paper. <p>I understand all your anger, it's just a matter of making this work out for you and your H.
Please go into "Recovery" and ask the others to help you too!!!!!!! <p>hug ya
BB<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>
Posted By: lifeismessy Re: Not Coping - 05/08/02 01:44 PM
Well I feel for you!Last year I was going thru the same thing with my H- married 15 yrs 3 kids and all of a sudden H said he was out of love with me, in love with OW and was leaving me for her. This was after I kept confronting him and he finally confessed. He didnt want to be the one to file-instead he tried to make me so miserable that I would file on HIM and then he could blame ME for it like he did all the problems in our marriage over the years! We tried counseling twice at my insistence but he re-wrote our marital history to make it sound worse than it was. Have you read Surviving an Affair by Harley and Love Must be Tough by James Dobson? Those would be two excellent books to read right away for you! Are you taking an anti-D? I take effexor which helped me cope with the kids and get some sleep. It is a newer med that helps with both anxiety and depression. I got mine at the family dr. Be sure to post here alot- there is definitely hope that your marrriage CAN recover and divorce can be prevented! My H's A was with a single coworker who was 35 and was bitter about never having been marrried or had kids- she had seen my new house and met our 3 kids and wanted to be step- mom to ours! She had a whole scheme all worked out. I refused to give up my marriage for her! Eventually she began to pressure H for more commitment and I had improved myself so much by that point-(major shopping spree at mall!), all new perfumes,hair,cosmetics,reading the right books, Bible Studies, yoga, Starbucks latte every day etc!My H first thought it was an 'act' to get him back- OW encouraged that line of thought with him but eventually after 2 mo he began to see it was for real.H even went so far as to file on me for D at the urging of OW but it was at that point he began to wake up and snapped out of his 'temporary insanity." We are re-building and doing well a year later and our 3 kids never did have to find out about OW's plan. Take care- lifeismessy
Posted By: Lapeine Re: Not Coping - 05/08/02 02:38 PM
Hugs to you Deelam. This is a horrible thing to have to go through as most everyone can attest to. I don't usually mention this, but I wonder what your H would do if you told him you were speaking to a lawyer about divorce proceedings. I wonder if he really wants one. You know when my H had is A, he didn't want to be with me. I think he felt such guilt that he didn't even like himself. Being with me made him ill because he remembered how much he hurt me.<p>He's inquired how you are, so he must still have some feelings for you. James Dobson wrote a book called "Love Must Be Tough". If I remember correctly, he spoke about how you have to be right with you (which you already seem to recognize). Sometimes, when we get too needy people pull away. If you were to turn around and become very independent, running the finances--not arguing but being very firm. Get involved in a group activity. Maybe take a class. Start living (as much as you can with 4 daughters!) As much as people don't like needy people a lot of them still like to be needed. If your H thought you were doing just fine without him, I wonder if he might start getting jealous of your newfound independence.<p>He's basically already left you--my H didn't even do that. Now, you just have to find a way to get him back. Thank him for the rent money. You casually say, "Thanks for the rent money, I guess I'll find a way to take care of the rest. In the future, I would appreciate you calling to arrange a time to see the children." If that doesn't leave him stuttering and in shock, I would take that to mean, he's not really thinking things over by himself. Practice, practice, practice. Imgine converstations with him. It will never happen that flippantly in real life, but the more you practice the stronger you can sound.<p>It's the hardest thing in the world to not let them know how much they are hurting you. My H hated it when I cried all the time. Things got a lot better when I could just go on like nothing ever happened (hardest thing I've ever done).<p>Anyway, just some thoughts. Might not work. Might not be something you want to try. I don't know you and your H and your relationship.
I wish you the best of luck. If this is what you really want, you can get him back. It is possible to save a marriage if you are the only one trying. It's harder, but it is possible. Two years ago, I wouldn't have believed it. My H was admitting to an A and asking for a D. I looked at him and said, "No, you're not getting off that easy. You don't get to have a fling, then act remorseful, get divorced, and spend the rest of your life with her." He asked, "You would contest the divorce." I replied, "You better believe it. We're going to give this marriage a fair second try." Totally shocked him to his toes that I didn't automatically start filing. We're now in a full-blown recovery and doing quite well. Sometimes, I think the A bothers him now more than it does me (which is saying a lot because it does still hurt me to think about it). So, it can be done. I wish you well.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Lapeine ]</p>
Posted By: oswald Re: Not Coping - 05/09/02 05:35 AM
I don’t want to be a stick in the mud as I am a strong supporter of Plan A and saving marriages.
Since you have received many suggestions on learning about plan A and book suggestions I’m going to the difficult side, The money.<p>First Plan A is great thing, it’s about getting back to where you belong as a person, it’s about learning how to be a good spouse, following the rules that make a good M. It is not about being a doormat, sometimes this gets confused. <p>Your H has a moral and legal obligation to support his children, I suggest you speak with a lawyer about that. You can present it to your H very matter of factly, very non judgmentally way, tell him you would like to save the M but you have to do this for your children. I know plan A and being attractive (not just aesthetically) is important, but none the less you have to protect yourself and the children.<p>Just my 2 cents<p>oz
Posted By: Lapeine Re: Not Coping - 05/08/02 06:32 PM
Oooh. Oswald reminded me. I received some very good advice shortly after d-day. If you have any joint savings accounts, you may want to consider withdrawing as much money as you can and transferring it to a separate savings account in your name only. If you get divorced, you will have to split it (depending on your state laws), but in the meantime, he can't spend it all and leave you with nothing. Also, cancel your name off any of his credit cards and his name off any of yours. As long as you are married, his debts do become yours, but if he charges everything up, it is easier to prove your financial responsibility is all the damages are on an account without your name.<p>The only reason I am suggesting this to you is that he is only willing to pay the rent. He's obviously in a bad place right now and who knows what he will do. I told my H that I was transfering 2K into an account in my name only. He told me that he would never do anything to hurt me financially. I replied, "You never thought you would cheat on me either. Right now, neither you nor I have any idea what you are capable of." He seemed to understand once I put it like that.<p>At the end of last year, I transferred the money back into a joint savings account. It was kind of my way of confirming that everything was going to be alright.
Posted By: Zorweb Re: Not Coping - 05/09/02 03:40 AM
deelam,<p>Your H says that he will only pay for certain things. Well, he does not have that choice. If I were you I’d see an attorney. See if a legal separation is available in your state. If not then you could file for divorce and let your H that you would be willing to drop it at any time that he is willing to come home, end his affair, get counseling, and work on your marriage. (I assume it’s still going on and that explains his behavior.. and why the girls cannot visit him there.) <p>In most states, if not all, the courts will award you interim support. It essentially ensures that all the bills get paid and you both have an equal amount of spending money. Since you have the girls he will, of course have to pay you child support through this. <p>Many times BS’s are afraid to file or set the legal recourse in action, fearing that it will drive their WS away. I truly do not think that is the case as long as you let him know, in writing, your intent. The reason I say to do it in writing is that then he cannot ‘forget’ what you said and twist the words as easily. IMHO, taking firm action, setting appropriate boundaries and taking care of yourself and your children will serve to give your H a huge dose of reality. The reality is that he has a family he needs to treat better and take care of. He will need to do this even if you are divorced. Doing this will also put a huge strain on any affair he may be having. Nothing frosts an OW more then having the MM send money to his family for support. The OW usually just wants the MM’s wife and family to evaporate. Well don’t think you are going to do that any time soon. <p>Changing the locks on your home is a good idea too. If he hassles you about it, tell him that legally you also have the right to enter his home since you are still married. So you will give him the keys when he gives you the address and keys to his place.<p>You do not have to be nasty to do these things. Do with as much clam and charm as you can. Standing up for yourself is not love busting. Love busting is doing it in a mean, vindictive, judgmental manner.
Re: Love sucks!<p>Yep it can suck. I used to think that love was a protection. But it is not. It does not prevent anyone from doing stupid and hurtful things to us. It only makes us more vulnerable.
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/09/02 10:14 AM
Dear Deelam,<p>I'm so happy that you are getting such good advice from others. It's good that you are getting finacial advice, as I don't live in the US and I don't know the laws, it's better for others to give you this advice. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm just thinking about you and I hope you are ok.<p>take care of yourself
hug ya
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/09/02 11:21 AM
Thank you to all for your advice. Yesterday was a good day for me. I decided to start my new life without him.<p>I went shopping and purchased new cosmetics too make feel better. I picked up some St.Johns Wort I hope it helps my moods.<p>I did speak with him. He called inquiring if he received a package. I informed him that it did come, then he proceeded to be a little scarcastic and ask me if I was over my Bull**** from the day before. I informed him that I was not having that discussion with him anymore.<p>I decided I was just going to pull away from him. I didn't think of him yesterday at all and it did me some good. Not sure if this is the right aproach....<p>My past experience with him, has been if I pull away he comes forward, however, I want it different this time. I dont want this to ever happen again, I want him to open up and explain why he does what he does.<p>We are suppose to have lunch this week to discuss the parameter, i.e. the kids, finances etc.<p>THe kids are definitely playing a game with me. They continually call their father every day without letting me know, and it makes him think I put them up too it, I dont want to tell them they can't but I need to set up some guidelines for them. I know they are getting a little agravated because when they see their F it is for a short time. I informed him that I too need a break and he will need to take them for a evening every once in a while. <p>I have considered speaking to an attorney, but that is too much of a jump for me and I know it will upset him extremely. I dont want to argue, and if he needs time fine. He said there is no OW right now. How can I bring myself to believe him, I found photos, but he said they were from before. If that is the case, then why carry them in his car??<p>I have afriend of mine stoppng by my house to help me with a few handy man things that need to be taken care of. So I think I feel these are good steps for me. I don't want to go through this anymore.<p>He did tell me at our last lunch, prior to me finding the photos, that he wanted to take our new motorhome on a two week trip with the kids to go visit our families. (We live in Florida and they all live in Mass.) I thought it would be a great idea, it gave me some hope that he wanted to try and work it out, but then I found the photos....I'm not sure if I can handle taking that trip now? The trip was too take place in June. Any advice???<p>Well I have to run for now.
Again thank you everyone, this site has really been helpful!<p>Deelam
Posted By: Lapeine Re: Not Coping - 05/09/02 02:18 PM
Take the trip. But, set some guidelines before you go. Don't fight in front of the kids. I know several people who took trips after their marriage started falling apart. It can be a very good thing because it gets you both out of your comfort zones. I learned about d-day the week before we had a trip with my parents going to Ireland. It was the worst trip I have ever had, but we made it through. I decided that if I could make it through that, I could make it through anything. We also did a lot of talking, and that was good. I don't know how having the kids will be, but if you are visiting your families, perhaps it will help give you some much needed time alone. <p>Just remember, you are not a doormat. You do not have to take nasty comments or remarks from him, nor should you give any. If a discussion or situation starts escalating, be calm and walk away. It will make you look like an outstanding person. This is a great opportunity to Plan A. Don't go overboard and get overly mushy, but be extremely nice and forgiving, and don't argue. Be strong and independent. It will really mess with his mind and freak him out. They don't know how to handle you being nice to them after treating you so poorly. It makes you look stronger.
Posted By: oswald Re: Not Coping - 05/09/02 03:25 PM
I have considered speaking to an attorney, but that is too much of a jump for me and I know it will upset him extremely. I dont want to argue, and if he needs time fine. <p>I can certainly understand your not wanting to take legal action at this time and not wanting to drive a wedge further between you and your H. However seeking legal counsel is not taking action against him. It is just getting advice from someone who knows the laws, someone who has seen more ugly scenarios than you can imagine. It is no different that coming here to MB. Here you are given advice about the heart and emotion, the choice to use or dismiss that advice is completely up to you. Legal counsel is similar only on levels other than the emotion, what you do with that legal advise is still up to you. At least consider lapeine’s advice to remove your name from his creditors. <p>He said there is no OW right now. How can I bring myself to believe him, I found photos, but he said they were from before. If that is the case, then why carry them in his car??<p>I hate to say this but at this point you have to go on the premise of guilty until proven innocent. In my experience one’s gut feeling is usually correct. Moving out to get your head on straight is a typical behavior of a WS. I believe many of them actually do with full intentions of not letting the OP (“other person” they are cheating with) know where they are staying and truly wanting to sort things out. My W was a perfect example of this. Unfortunately it doesn’t end up that way. Getting him back into your home would be the best scenario as it is easier to plan A.<p>My vote is also to take the vacation and I agree set some rules that will shield the kids from any discussions or arguing.<p>
Good Luck,
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/10/02 03:19 AM
Well, he strikes again. Today the girls had a softball game that their father is one of the coaches. He called during the day and informed me he would be at the game and that we would all go out as a family for dinner.<p>Guess what. He never showed up for the game. He called when we got home and stated he had a few drinks so he didnt think he should attend. Why do men do these things?? He knew he had a game with his daughters, he knew the team counts on him, and why in the world would he invite me to dinner and then not show up???<p>He stated he would stop by tomorrow and we could all go to dinner...Now I dont know if I want to go.. I stayed calm through it all and he knows he disappointed his daughters, but I am not sure where his head is anymore. He continually takes one step forward and ten steps backwards.<p>He at least asked me if we needed any money. I told him if he wanted to give us money that would be fine. I told him if he wanted to go to dinner that would be fine as well.<p>Am I making it too easy for him? It is so hard too be so nice when he continually does things that upset me and my girls. I just wanted to scream at him, but I stayed real calm.<p>I have actually been staying in a pretty mello mood with no form of emotions until I caught tonight's episode of "ER" on tv. If anyone saw it tonight it really hit a sore spot to see a father so ill and die and be unable to see his two daughters anymore. And then I look at my situation where my H is healthly and he barely sees his daughters. Grant it he only moved out two weeks ago (2 days prior to his 37th B-day) but it truly feels like he has been gone forever. <p>I having been scanning other posts on this site and one that really touched me was a poem someone wrote that sounded so much like my situation. I guess I am not the only one too go thru something like this even though I continually feel as if I am.<p>I think all that have responded have been a great morality boost for me. Thank you.<p>Im still hanging in there. It is so hard to activate Plan A when H won't tell me what went wrong. He won't discuss what he needs or is looking for... How do you get them to communicate?? We are ok if we discuss the kids or business but get outside those parameters and forget it..<p>I guess I will wait and see if he calls tomorrow and whether he shows up for dinner.
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/10/02 06:34 AM
Dear deelam,<p>for what you are going through, you sound so strong and gosh you are doing your part great!!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Guess what. He never showed up for the game. He called when we got home and stated he had a few drinks so he didnt think he should attend. Why do men do these things?? He knew he had a game with his daughters, he knew the team counts on him, and why in the world would he invite me to dinner and then not show up??? <hr></blockquote><p>I would just think he is very "foggy" he seems very insecure!!!! Think, he isn't taking over any responsibility at the moment, neither for you, the girls nor for the team that counts on him. <p>He must get a reason to start to think again. I would give my best and concentrate on myself and the girls.
I wouldn't stop the girls from calling, they keep contact and you back up. (telling them not to call their father, might backlash on you and make you the "mean" mommy. Don't give a hoot if he thinks that you are wanting them to call him.
They are his girls too and this reminds him everytime!!!! I'd think of this in a good way. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p> Don't relay on him just do your things. Go out for dinner whether he shows up or not, don't wait for him to let you down. I wouldn't be available for him all the time. Do your plans!!! And please stay CALM, you seem to be very good at this right now and you truely have my admiration.<p>He's having problems and you are taking over the responsibilty!!! He's living in a "unreal" world and again you are showing that you are a responsible, dependable, loving person.
I found that when my H got out of his "dream world" he really realized this. He has told me many times, that he just doesn't understand himself and what the *ell was going on in his mind. I was keeping things together, I was not running away from responsibilty and this made him think.<p>Now almost 1 1/2 years since our D-D he tells me, he knows what great qualities I have!!! He respects me for the strength that I had, even though I was going through the worst time of my life. He was absolutely behaving like a "child"!<p>He also tells me now that me staying calm and loving (no matter what he said) built the bridge for him to want me!!!
I did tell him that I have a few things that I will demand and I told him these in a calm but persisting way.
I told him, I will deal with all but only under the circumstance of
NO OW!!!!!!!!!!!
NO CONTACT TO OW!!!!!!NO CONTACT AT ALL!!!!!!!!<p>But you are not here yet. Give this time.........
Don't think of giving up, this doesn't sound hopeless, believe me. And trust yourself, I think you are really doing your best.<p>hugs
PS: him asking you if you need money sounds good. He is thinking, he feels guilty. Just don't pressure!!!!!!! sounds good, good........ [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Why would he be asking, if he didn't care at all??? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/10/02 10:08 PM
I wish things were go smoother than they are. Had a run in with H today. We were to have dinner last night, no show. Then he said how about tonight and he cancels because one of my daughters had plans.<p>I did learn a little tid bit while having our discussion today....He said he does miss sleeping next to me at time, he does miss waking up to his D's at times. He spoke with a friend of mine today and told her all we ever discuss our the kids and finances. And that our lives have now turned into working and running around with kids, that we don't have any us time.<p>I agree!! But how can it change the way he wants. Our kids are getting older and more demanding of their needs. He told me that the OW has nice conversations with him, well DUH, she doesnt have kids or finance issues to discuss with him..<p>I think he is reaching for intimate conversations, but how can we have them living apart.
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/11/02 07:08 AM
Hi deelam,<p>well I'm feeling that things are going the right direction, even if you don't think so at this time.<p>Your H seems to be opening up!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] YAAAAAAAAAAA!!! You've got him thinking!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey this sounds great and he's even saying that he's missing somethings!!!!!!!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H's OW also didn't have kids, she didn't work and she had alot of time. So of course this was all "phony, dreamy world"!!<p> It's probably a nice though once in awhile if you have a business, 4 kids and lots of work and hardly any time, but this isn't his/your reality!!!!! And it never will be!!!!! <p>You/your H have a different world. But it is up to you to create these dreamy times in your life!!!!
I hope you understand me.
I know that the kids get older and they do get more demanding. But would it be possible for you and your older girls to work as a team????<p>When my H and I were having problems, I explained this to them(2 kids) calmly and very understanding.
I didn't get too detailed just explained that we were having problems and needed time for ourself. (our case was abit different) my H didn't move out. Anyways my kids were very understanding and loved the idea of us working with one another and helping each other. Since they were aware that we needed time with each other to get out and go away with one another, we were able to reconnect!!!!<p>In your case wouldn't the older ones look after the small ones to just let you and H have more time??? Wouldn't they be prowd of themselves knowing that they are helping all of you become strong again?<p>Wouldn't this maybe even help them to learn what a true family is??? Stepping back and letting the parents have time for each other too and not always just thinking of their delights???<p>I'm saying this as I have became aware of so many things like this and I see what mistakes we have made in the past dealing with the kids.
Our kids were also very demanding. We hardly had time on our own, and when we did, they would just walk in on us!!! We could never feel undisturbed!!!! They had to learn this, mothers and fathers need their own time too and they must respect this!!!!!!!<p>Maybe just think about this and what possibilities your might have and what things you could change to get quality time with one another. <p>When things calm down and your H is out of his "fog" he will maybe see this abit different again. <p>I think it is a great success that he is saying at least able to talk what he is missing and this is very important for you to listen.
He says he talks with OW about non-financial stuff,well in your case (It was the same for me) this is far from reality but it does explain that he is missing things. You know him, I don't but I would pressume that his top EN'S are admiration, wanting to fell understood and SF!!! <p>Start plan A!!!!!! You have the best chances to make this turn out!!!!!!! Take your time and stay calm. You know him better than any OW!!!!!!<p>If this all doesn''t work, send your 4 girls to your H and give him all the business work. OW can do it all and then see what he thinks of her!!!!!
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
(just thinking, imagine this!!!!)
hug ya
BB<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>
Posted By: keeping faith Re: Not Coping - 05/12/02 11:33 AM
Hi Deelam. Happy Mother's Day. Just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/13/02 10:46 AM
An entire weekend has passed and no contact from WS. Last contact was on Friday when we had our outbursts. The girls had softball Sat. and he didn't show up nor did he call them. Sunday was mother's day and no contact. He must really be in a "fog". This avoidance hurts so much.<p>I am trying to handle it all, but it is extremely hard. H has always been my best friend. We would discuss everything, now we can't even hold a conversation.I don't even believe he wants to talk with me. Well a wrote him a PLAN A letter.<p>I told him how much I love him, and I tried to be intimate in the letter, since this is what it appears we are lacking (based on our conversation on Friday). I hope it helps.<p>My Oldest D wrote her father letter, inquiring why he doesn't call them unless they call first? Why he hasn't been at her younger sisters softball games? She is very confused but informed me, that it doesn't matter what the outcome is as long as she can spend time with both parents.<p>That hurt some, because I always thought she wanted us all too stay together, but she informed me that she doesn't like to see me cry anymore, and she knows I only cry because of her daddy.<p>Both did that hit a soft spot.<p>Must run, Monday rush with the girls, I will check back later.<p>deelam
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/14/02 09:06 AM
Dear deelam,
I've been sick since yesterday, a bad flue has hit me. But I still just wanted to leave you a note and let you know that you are not alone.<p>I feel the pain that you are going through, gosh...... I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I had ordered all the books that everyone was mentioning and I finally got them yesterday. So my flue is giving me the oppurtunity to read abit.<p>Right now I'm reading "His Needs Her Needs"! If you have the possibility get it and read, it's very informing. I read somewhere on MB about the chemistry of an Affair. This I find helps alot too. Your H is in deep fog, I wouldn't take this personally!!! Gosh I know this is the hardest thing to do and I'm feeling with you.
As in the book HNHN explains it is now up to you to fill in his Love Bank. You must give him reasons to want to be with you.
He is avoiding and this is a sign that he really is confused!!!!! <p>He is not in the "reality" world. He is in a world that is only filling in his unfullfilled EN'S. I hope you understand. It will take time for him to get his head back into place again.
Don't pressure, don't become unpatient!!!! Think time!! If he doesn't seek contact, wait. He will start to miss something. When he does contact, don't give him any reason to want to back off!!!! He must start to feel comfortable about seeing and talking to you again. He must get interested in you again and feel happy to see you!!!!
Get the books and read, they explain these things so well and surely better than I do. <p>Concentrate on yourself and do good things for yourself. We all know what you are going through and when you feel like crying come here and vent. This will make you feel better and you are not LB. <p>I'd like to give you a big hug and comfort you. You can make it!!!!!! I have and many others have too!!!!
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hug ya
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/15/02 02:00 AM
Hey there,<p>Well it was a smooth sailing evening. Had softball practice, with no confrontation. Thats good. I think it is because I learned to keep to myself.<p>THe entire family went to dinner at KFC, which was peaceful. Not much conversation, but at least no arguing.<p>We all came back to the house, and he phoned his brother who lives out of state, to discuss our trip to visit the family. He never did mention any of our situation. Well the trip is set, we are all going on July 20 for a one week visit, he invited another family to join us (friends of ours). It should be a fun trip, but it will definitely be uncomfortable....I mean we are married yet we definitely do not act it, I know we are just starting and it takes time I just feel real weird.<p>A friend of mine just bought me a book called "When your Partner Wants to Leave" by David Hawkins. I really related to the stories in the book. It is definitely reassuring visiting this web site and reading the book to know you are not alone.<p>My mind is definitely doing a whirl wind spin. Today I told a friend to speak with my husband and tell him to just make a decision, even if it means D. I was not coping well today. My mind was thinking outrages thoughts and I got scared. Scared of being alone, scared of not being loved anymore, just plain scared.... Luckily he didnt say anything to my H, I think in the back of my mind I wish he did, but then again...<p>I miss my H, and from everything I read, I know he is in a fog. He actually looked at my vehicle tonight because I had no brake lights and plans on returning tomorrow to fix it. I asked him to watch the kids on Thurs. evening because I have to attend a meeting for work and he said he would. DOes this mean he is finally realizing what he has been missing???? I know he has been only gone for 19 days but it feels like eternity. I want for us to keep heading in an upward motion and begin to recover it all. I want us to regain our relationship with changes. Can it truly happen?? Will he ever see the light??<p>My eldest daughter commented that it was the first time we got together and her parents did not argue. I felt good inside. I only wish he heard her comment. <p>Gotta run. Will check back later.
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/15/02 06:36 AM
Dear deelam,
well you sound as if you are coping very well. I know you are sad, but I think you are doing a good job. It is so important for you to stay calm and not to get emotional when he comes along.
It doesn't sound hopeless to me. Why would he be interested in your carbrakes if nothing mattered?<p>Think about the MB people when you feel insecure and sad. Think that Plan A is for yourself and the reason is to gain time so that your H has time to get out of his "fog"!
If he does come to fix your car, just thank him and show him this is a loving way. (stay smooth....and soft) If he doesn't come get this done somewhere else.
Going to this trip together can make you come closer again, even though others are around. You'll need alot of energie to go through this and I'm sure it can work. Have you gotten medication from your doctor? I find this would help to keep yourself calm. Staying calm is the most important part of this and I know this is tremendously difficult but not impossible.<p>At the beginning of our recovery my H was still abit foggy, he wanted our marriage to work but I see now that he was still foggy.
I at that time didn't know that this was normal for his situation. I was calm, soooooo calm. I listened to what he said and I didn't have the urge to argue, I was giving all my love and was very understanding.
I think now, I did the best and my H tells me this too. He said if I would of reacted "hyper" he would not of stayed, he would of ran!!!!!!<p>I have learnt so much and I'm still working on myself. The "fog" has shed from my H and he too has learnt so much, he too is working on himself.<p>Plan A will never stop for us as this is the magic to a happy marriage. Finding out what is missing and working on that, filling in these EN'S and never stopping. The OW just fills in a few EN'S, the needs that are just missing, she isn't able to fill in all as she doesn't know your H the way you do. She just knows the "foggy" man.
And think he only knows the OW in her pleasent ways. He isn't dealing with the true life, but this will have to come.
He will have to deal with finances, his girls, his business and all tasks to make life work. He is now just sticking his head in the sand and hoping it will go away. But this will never come true. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you can realize what is happening and if you give this time and patience he will for sure wake up. Think he too is very insecure, he doesn't have a plan. His thoughts will be bouncing back and forth. <p>What also helped me alot was to think following: (hope this doesn't sound wierd)
I thought to myself, what would I do if I had an affair???
-I'd look my best
-I'd show admiration
-I'd listen very good to what OM has to say (keep eye-contact (loving-eyes)hope you understand [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
-I'd smile alot ( happy + sparkly)
-talk in a happy voice
-I'd want to comfort other man (in your case comfort with words, not with your body maybe just a hug if this is possible)
-I'd have to tell him that I love him no matter what in a very smooth way.
-I wouldn't pressure
-I wouldn't argue
-I'd want OM to feel goooood
This is what I did and it came from my heart. My H wasn't getting anything negetive and this way it became more and more comfortable for him. He knew that he was doing the right thing with staying with me. He was getting what he got from OW and much more.
When I feel that I'm having a hard time (down day) I think about this and it helps. So I'm still having an A, just it's with my H.
Even though I have problems with trust, this still works. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hope you have a nice day and I'd be happy to hear from you.<p>hugs
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/15/02 11:01 PM
Well today was not a good day. It started out fine and we were getting along, then at the end of the day I received a email from a friend. She informed me my H told her he had a "new" girlfriend and that he was happy.<p>I was floored, I got real emotional and cried all the way home, the hard part of it all is he is suppose to come by tonight to do paperwork for the company and he requested my assistance. I want to tell him to shove it up his ***.<p>How could he tell a close friend of ours about all this, and then invite me on a family trip??? Or how could he show signs that he wants to try and make it work and tell our friend this. Either way I dont care. I am going to give him the ultimatum this evening. He needs to either give her up and move in or just DIVORCE me because i am not as strong as all of you and I can not continue with this emotional up and down!!<p>Am I wrong???<p>Please help.
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/16/02 01:15 AM
Well I didn't blow up even though my emotions told me otherwise. He ate dinner with the family and we had a brief discussion. He swears there is no one in his life. I informed him he needed to make a decision. He said unfortunately he is unable to make any decisions whether it is to reconcile or marriage or file for the D.<p>He told me if I am unable to sit in this limbo stage then too move on with my life, even if it meant finding another man. How dare he say that!<p>He said he has read all my letters and is not sure want he feels. He never even gives me the satisfaction of a reply to my letters. I am at witts end. I feel us heading down a spiral staircase. He still even wants to take the family trip, it is now scheduled for July. I asked why? He doesn't want to live with me so then why have me go on this trip, he said if he didnt want me to go on the trip he never would have invited me.<p>What does a person think?? How am I suppose to react??
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/17/02 04:52 PM
Dear deelam,
hope you are ok. I haven't had much time but I wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.
I have been reading this thread and I thought it would help you.<p>I know it's very long but I love the advice and I find forgiving is dealing very good. If you haven't read this yet, do it. <p>hug ya
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/19/02 03:05 AM
Had a good day! Another softball game. My H called me tonight and we had a real eye opening conversation.<p>He told me he is unable to move back home just yet. He wants sometime to make the right decisions for everyone. He stated he has dropped all contact with the OW because his feelings were changing and he didn't want anything to cloud his decisions regarding our lives.<p>I have been sending him intimate text messages to his cellular phone. He stated he enjoyed them and wondered why I could never open up before. That has always been a problem for me. Sex was not something we discussed in our family. I was raised by a single mom and there were never any discussions on the subject.<p>He enjoyed the messages, so I will continue to send them too him, so he knows how much I truly Love him. I still feel i am a little too late.<p>He says he will always love me, but that he needed and I needed to find happiness. That we are too young not to be happy. Gosh, I hope he sees the light. I love him with all my heart, and I would do anything.<p>I guess I need to talk "dirty" to him more often, too show my affection, since it is what he likes. I never realized that until now. How can someone be married for 14 yrs and not know. We have had difficulties in the bedroom over the years (do too my fault)I can't explain it nor do I understand how I could lose all sexual desires? I always blamed the fact that maybe it was because of the kids, i am really not sure. I know I WANT him now, is that because he's gone??<p>I want to desire him all the time, not just because I can't have him! Any suggestions????
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/19/02 07:49 AM
Oh deelam!!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>sounds sooooooo good, I'm sooooo happy for you.
You are surely going the right direction.<p>Even though my situation was different we did have the same problems. Sex had become abit dull due to our business. This has changed completely. Rmember what I said about having an Affair with your H? Well this is just what I do. I've thrown all my "embarrassment about sex" overboard. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I should of done that years ago. This of course thrilled my H and he too asked why this had to happen after him having an affair??? I really don't know why, maybe it is competition, maybe something else, I really don't know. <p>Here where I live there is a saying:
What a wife should be for her H:
- a gourmet cook in the kitchen
-mother Theresea for the children
-and a whore in bed<p>sounds harsch, I know. But even if I'm not perfect in all points there is some truth in this. <p>Everything seems to be going good for you and you have surely gotten him thinking. Sexuallity has changed completely for us and even though we don't always have time, we do find excitement. Cell phone sex, SMS messages etc, food sex( [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )etc.....<p>I have opened up completely and I regret that this didn't happen years ago because I too enjoy having fun sex. I can understand that my H has been missing this and didn't see a way to change this.<p>I don't know what suggestions you would like, but if I can help you, feel free to ask. <p>I'm so happy for you that you're doing so good.
hug ya
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/20/02 11:58 PM
Things appear to be turning around. I have been sending him text messages to his cell phone and he likes it. He actually phoned me Saturday evening to talk. We had a conversation for about an hour and seemed to really open up with each other. <p>I am not going to get my hopes up, but he stated he is not in contact with OW they he severed ties because he doesnt want to start having feeling without first making a decision with regards to our family.<p>He did tell me she made him feel good that it was a fantasy. You see she is only in her early 20's and he is 37. So I guess she gave him an ego boost, not real sure. At least he is starting to open up. <p>I am trying not to hover over him or call him often. I actually am enjoying sending him erotic text messages. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Who know maybe we can get the spark back that we have been missing for so many years [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>No matter the outcome, I am starting to feel good about me, continually have the ups and downs, but at least when this adventure is all over and done, I can say I put my best effort into it! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/21/02 05:54 AM
Dear deelam,<p>This really sounds great!!
Think, this OW is in her 20's as you said, I suppose you are as your H are in the 30's. Well you're an experienced woman, so take advantage of that!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Give it to him and I'm so sure that the outcome will be "fizzling!"
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My thoughts are with you...... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
hugs BB
Posted By: Freshie Re: Not Coping - 05/21/02 11:04 AM
Deelam:<p>You are on the right road! <p>My prayers are with you! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Posted By: pain and faith Re: Not Coping - 05/22/02 03:26 PM
Deelam, I really feel for you. This is a terrible situation but I have to be honest with you that what has helped me is God. On Monday I finally put my hands up and out and I said, Lord, I've done everything I can do, I've shown him lots of love, compassion but he's in a fog so Lord, I give it to you. Since that day, I have felt an enormous strenght and peace. As the bible states, Peace that surpasses all understanding. My suggestion is that you get on your knees and just cry out to the Lord, ask him to help you release this to him and ask him to give you peace and strength. As for the bills, if you start to harass him about the bills that's going to push him away from you and into the OW hands. Figure out the things you can cut from your monthly bills, readjust your lifestyle and call the credit card companies and explain the situation and ask them to work out a plan with you. You also have to ask God to help you forgive him totally. It's incredible but the Lord has helped me get to that point. My husband is still in this "fog" and as such has not yet returned home but there is nothing I can do that God CAN'T DO and so I leave it to my Lord and Savior Jesus who can heal and restore all things. I will pray for you.
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/23/02 05:43 AM
Dear deelam,
just wanted to know how you're doing????
Hope you are fine. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/24/02 10:09 AM
Well we take two steps forward and ten steps back.
Yesterday was not a good day. I tried to reach my H the evening before because my 4 yr old was ill with high fever and i needed meds. He never returned my calls even after stating he would bring it by.<p>I decided to call where he was staying and found he didnt sleep there that evening. So, I called a phone number that repeatedly showed up on his cell phone bill. BINGO, a female answered and I asked if H was available and she said hold on please.<p>I couldnt believe it, he said he was no longer in contact. He stated he got drunk the nite before and phoned her, the rest is history.<p>He asked me to lunch to discuss the issue. Stated he is not willing to make this marriage work, RIGHT NOW! What is that suppose to mean? He said if I am not willing to hold on he understands.<p>He informed me he will always be there for his D's and that he will provide us with some "rainy day" money. I asked him what did he want, and he informed me he could not move back in because my snooping is driving him crazy. If he would only tell the truth there would be no need for snooping.<p>I mentioned that maybe what he wants is to end it all and he said he didnt know, that he just cant make any decisions now. So he wanted to discuss finances, etc. and the minute I stated we should allow an attorney make those decisions that would be in the best interest of our D's he got upset and wanted to end the conversation.<p>He stated I am the one who wanted to make this "ugly". How can he say that? I love him and he doesnt want to hear it. He said he enjoyed my text messages, however, that there were too many and that they werent me. That I am not sexual and never have been.<p>Why does this have to be difficult. I was sending them because he said he liked it, I didnt send them to upset him. It a no win situation. <p>Im ready to throw in the towel, as much as I feel my marriage is worth saving, he doesnt feel the same. How can he expect me to stay faithful, it has been 4 months since any physical contact. Im drowning fast and I dont like it.<p>I Love him and I want him, but is all this pain and suffering truly worth it. He doesnt feel I love him the way he needs to be loved.<p>I asked him what he sees in this OW. He said its New, spontaneous, different... How can I compete with that, he won't touch me because he doesnt want me to get false hope...<p>Please Help
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/24/02 01:02 PM
Dear deelam,
I feel the pain that you are going through, gosh.
<img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>He is definately in a deep fog!!!! Have you gotten any of the books that have been mentioned.
"His Needs, Her Needs" is a great one. I'd like to give you advise but truely don't feel that I'm good enough at doing so. <p>It all sounded as if things were going so good and I'm feeling so much with you. It's as if it is happening to myself. Being lyed to once is tough but thinking that things are over with and then finding out that they never ended surely sucks even more.<p>I can maybe try to explain what I would do. If he did say he doesn't want things to work out right now, I would probably cut down contact. He's in complete "lala" land. Nothing what you do will make sence to him unless he comes out of his fog. Nothing will be seen in a loving way. Sorry to say this, but through what I have experienced it is usually this way.
You must find a way to "keep" you love for him and not get hurt. I would not pressure anything. He must start to think.
I know how hard this is, believe me. I know the pain and how helpless one feels. <p>Do all the reading you can to educate yourself and do plan A for yourself. And think, for him OW is spontanios, different, blah, blah, blah.......This is dream world not reality. She is showing her shiny side, it's just a matter of "time" for him to realize that every person has two sides. For him this might be like an addiction at the moment.
This is what has turned him into an "alien". <p>Stay as calm as you can, vent here in MB's (it helps) find something special only for yourself. This is very important for you. Keep busy, busy. And don't be available for him. Get finacial information. You are being responsible, you are not making anything "nasty"! You have 4 girls and they cannot be fed with "dreams"!
Be sure to take best care of yourself, eat healthy and think good of yourself. <p>I did alot of things that helped me get through my tough days.
I went for long walks
took a bubble bath with candles and music
went window shopping
went to the cinema by myself
went for long car drives with real good music<p>I kept myself very busy and it did help me to straighten out my thoughts abit. <p>Just a question, what was it that attracted your H about you when you met?? There are probably many qualities that attracted him. <p>I wish I could help you more.
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 05/25/02 11:19 AM
I am going boating this morning with a friend, it should be fun! I wish I could stop thinking of him.<p>He toldme all my snooping and emotions is pushing him away. Oh well. If he is going to make an honest decision regarding our family he cant be with her.<p>I guess money and youth and the adventure of it all is what is getting his attention...I dont know, and I wish I didn't care.<p>I am tired of crying and having emotions for a man who doesn't love me. I told him last nite that I am moving on and maybe I should do what he is doing being "happy" with life. He read further in to it and got upset and said if I need to go have sex then fine. That he hopes I find someone that makes me happy. How can he get upset with me, when he sleeps at her house with her. It has been four months since any physical contact and I have needs as well.<p>I know me too well, I won't do it, but how can he get an attitude with me and get sarcastic when he doing it.<p>I told him I want to meet with her and talk to her. Out of the question, I stumbled upon her name. He couldn't even choose an american. He has to sleep with someone who just gt her visa..<p>I am very confused and have too many ups and downs. I want the rollercoaster to end even if it means divorce [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He informs me that if I need to move on then I could be the one to file. I can't because I don't want it. How can men live a life and believe they can have there cake and eat it too.<p>I have dreams of the two of them. I see them lying in bed together and it is eating me alive.<p>I haven't ordered the books yet, I am barely surviving trying to keep my family together financially.
Posted By: *Blondblossom* Re: Not Coping - 05/27/02 12:32 PM
how are you????
My thoughts are with you.
BB [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Posted By: deelam Re: Not Coping - 06/05/02 12:44 AM
Posted By: AgainstTheWind Re: Not Coping - 06/06/02 05:49 AM
I haven't read this whole thing, but sorry to see how it turned around. I read many of the boards here but mostly hop between Divorcing/Divorved and emotional needs. In my own situation, I will likely be back on the D/D soon. Too long a story, H in affair with former coworker of both of us! Denies adamanetly. Filed for D after she got hers. Gone 2 mo, came back but I saw him with her at least twice when he lied to me. He ignored our 10th anniversary & I recently saw him at OW's place again after suspecting another lie. He has been cruel & demeaning to me. Threatened lots of things. But I am at the point I am done. Its been one year of misery & hoping he'd realize things. Nope. Since he's been back, its been the same - him sleeping on floor, not returning home til 10 or 11PM & not talking to me.<p>From reading all the boards, everything your H has said to you is nothing new to many. Don't take it to heart too much. It is definately "FOG" talk. Somehow being with OW undid what your sexy talk was doing. But the WS always blames BS for failure of the marriage. Its always our fault . . we didnt keep the house clean enough, gained too much weight, always nag or fight, there's never anything to eat, can't cook, don't listen like SHE does (well SHE is telling him whatever he wants to hear & doesnt have to deal with the emotional abuse) dont make him feel special like she does . . . . BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.<p>Please don't think that it is anything you did. ITS NOT. Your H is responsible for his own actions. Cheating is an act of pure selfishness. ANd out of guilt, he will blame you. Darn, I had hoped when he was saying "he didnt want this" that you had a chance to work it out. Mine said the same in the beginning. He'll want to be near me, even slept with me once in four months, then jumped up & ran back downstairs saying "No, I dont want to give you the wrong idea" !!! See! Fog talk! I think alcohol must be playing a factor in your H's moods too?<p>Do as BlondBlossom says, take care of yourself. No more calls on his cell either, He lied to you. Be courteous, but do your own thing & see if he can open his eyes & catch up! Hang in there!<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: AgainstTheWind ]</p>
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