When can I start to love again? - Marriage Builders® Forums

I need some help... Since i found out a year ago from my sister no doubt that my husband had an affair, I have not been myself. I cry all the time, Iam mean to my kids whom i love to death. I love my husband , but I don't trust him, and what kind of marriage do I have If I can not trust? He says it had nothing to do with me, that it was just an opportunity and he made a mistake, a mistake he will never make in his life again. He says he is sorry, and that he loves me. How , how can someone you love or that is supposed to love you, hurt you so bad. My heart has split and I don't know what to do. I want to make our marriage work. We have been married for 17 years. The affair or one nite stand hahaha,, happened 5 years ago, but I just found out last year in June. My world came crashing down on me. Both my sister and get this, my mother new but didnt bother to say a word to me. He came home from work and I laid it out on the table he admitted it. I hate when he walks out the door, because my mind starts to work on overdrive. Will it ever get better, will I ever trust him again? Please someone help me . I want to love him again, but i have not forgiven him, and I know that has to come first. or maybe not, I don't know. Please someone talk to me , help me. I hate myself right now, and I know I should not. For I did nothing wrong. But then why do I feel like such a bad person. Hurtin, real real bad...

First of all, forgiveness is a path. It can be walked simultaneously with marital recovery.

Secondly, BUY the book 'Surviving an Affair' (click on Bookstore link above), read it, learn it, live it.

Thirdly, it sounds like you need some counselling during this time period.

It sounds like there is already no contact between your H and the OW. Confirm this. If this is true, you are already ahead of many out here.

Hurtinhart,
I hope you will act on what Tak says and not just read it. If you follow her input thru many of the threads on this forum, you'll quickly learn she is wise and caring.
Why wouldn't your mother say anything to you. I find that hard to swallow. What was her reason?
Your question: When can I start to love again?
When you want to.
singleguy

Thank you tak for your response,, Yes I have been thinking about counseling. I will indeed buy the book and read it. Thanks so much for your imput. It helps to know that people are there to help you when you are down.. Yes you are correct. The ow is out of the picture, and according to my husband has been since the night after the affair. See there is so much more to my story . The one nite stand happened out of town, while my husband was working. He was with one of his employees, and well they shared this woman. I want my marriage back to a better place, and I and my husband our willing to do what it takes. I just need to talk about it because I can't trust my own family, What ashame I know. Thanks again. Hurtin.

Hi single,,, Thank you also for replying to my thread.. Well my situation is very strange . I asked my mother why she did not tell me, she said because she did not know weather it was true or not. See my sisters husband and my husband worked together, My husband had to fire her husband , and ever since then there has been bad blood between them... My sister stopped talking to me when this happened. I would send birthday, christmas cards etc, with no response. So a year later I decided to call and ask why, what did I and my children do . She said she had not talked with me because she knew something that would hurt me. I pleaded with her to tell me, and that is how I found out about the affair. She said that they knew of more also, but my husband says no, that was the first and last time. I don't know if it is because they hate my husband so much that they would say there is more. I just dont know. My husband is a good provider, husband and father. He loves us all I know this. Some will probably say how can he be that good if he did this to you, I say we all make mistakes. Only it is very hard to understand . Thank you so much single, I appreciate your imput. Hurtin

I wish you well hurtin. I hope that you can restore both your marriage and your immediate family. Be strong.
singleguy

Thank you single.. Yes I pray that it all works out . Thank you once again.. Hurtin

I am going to ask Starfish to post some to you. She had a situation similar to yours, ONS (one night stand) with contact discontinued by the time she found out. She has successfully recovered her marriage. I think she will have a lot of insight to offer you.

What employee was your H with that they 'shared' this woman? Does he travel often with this employee?

Your family may hate him and that may be why that they say there are more. HOWEVER, I think that there probably are more. The act of picking up a woman with a coworker and 'sharing' her seems indicitive of a pattern of behavior that both he and the coworker find acceptable.

The WS (Wayward Spouse) is a chronic liar. He is dishonest, and that is what kept this secret for so long. If he is capable of that level of dishonesty, you really should not trust him when he says there were no more. It sounds to me like he is admitting to what you have evidence of, but no more than that.

I'm sending a link to this thread to Star. You may also want to post under the "Just Found Out" board. Put "Atten: Cerri, Starfish JFO About ONS Tak Said You Could Help" as the subject line and some details. If you can get Cerri's attention, you will have some good, solid advice.

[ August 05, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]

hart,

Unfortunately, you're singing my song. The secon affair my H had (yes I have survived two) was a one night stand in a Thai brothel. He travels alot for his job and it puts our marriage at great risk. My husband also begged me stay and promised me that he loved me and that I was a good wife.....very different situation than most folks are dealing with here. My first advice to you is that while you can certainly be an even better wife.....don't let the folks who will come on here and say that the affair is 50% your fault get to you. It's poppycock. I was at home nursing the baby when he decided to hire a prostitute. I was concentrating so hard on my marriage....doing everything. My H knows it was his own moral weakness....and some folks here.....won't understand that. Let it roll off your back. One night stands really usually have more to do with alchohol and opportunity....and it's the external stresses (as opposed to the internal ones) that made the marriage vulnerble (along with the weakness of our husbands). Unfortunately, I didn't find out until a year later! Found an odd credit card bill for "Ms. Kwongs escort service" I was in the middle of an overseas move!!!! I just as devastated as if it had happened yesterday.

So let me give you the good news:

The fact that it happened long ago, already proves that your marriage is viable. If it was in bad shape, he would have done more than a one nighter. So you know you can save your marriage.

Look around....you may not feel lucky, but you are. Most of the WS's here are in emotional long term affairs.....fighting that is way harder. These details that roll around in your mind....are continually refreshed in the lives of these folks. We have one night of memories to contend with....and that is a blessing...a black one....but one none the less.

You can learn to love and trust your husband again, but some things will probably have to happen first. You'll probably need to get the answers to all of your questions....it needs to be solid and real...not your imaginings before you can face and put it away. Your husband needs to be willing to do things to compensate for the affair.....show remorse (I made mine go to confession), get some counseling (I specified 6 months), open his life to you completely....these are some starters.

Ask me anything you think I can help with. hugs.

Thank you so much Tak for sending star to me. You and her have already helped me so much with just questions. When my husband told me about the night, the look in his eyes was sheer pain, and hurt. I cann't explain.. For this one image in my head do I believe that it was truly the first and last affair. I may be wrong, and I pray Im not, but this is what I feel in my heart. Thank you once agina Tak, I really appreciate your words. Hurtin

Wow, Star you are wise. Im sorry you had to go through this horrible ordeal as well. Yes I do feel lucky that this was just a one night stand, but also so hurt and angry. The employee that my husband was with no longer works for the company. My husband said they were eating dinner in the hotel restraunt , and where flirting with the waitress. They work in the restraunt after hours for the job he does. There they flirted some more, and he says one thing lead to another and he asked her if she wanted to have a drink upstairs after they finished. Well she did arrive at the room, and he gave her oral sex. He said he realized how wrong he was and got up, I told him yeah right, you cant just stop . He said the employee was standing there naked and he got up then the employee had sex with her. I also feel as though it happened yesterday. It haunts me anytime we go out to eat, or stay in a hotel. I have not made love to my husband in a hotel . I just cant do it. My husband says it was just an opportunity, and he took it . He said he loves me and that I did nothing to make him do it just the opportunity. He also says he was not drinking , the ow did bring wine coolers but he says she was already drunk when she got to the room. I believe he has told me the gruesome details as truths oh boy there is so much more, but i dont want to lose your ear lol. I agree my husband has to show remorse and what better way than with confession, Thank you so so much You dont know how much you have helped me already. I love my husband and I know he loves me, now I just have to trust, and he has to show the remorse, he does but not quite the right way, if that makes any sense. Thanks again Hurtin

hurt,

I hardly ever come to this board.....and it doesn't get much traffic. I would suggest you move over to JFO. You will find others who share your experience and can help. I also think that there are some of the best veterans for advice over there. You can ask the moderator to move your thread....or just make a new post. If you need me.....post to me so I will see it and not miss it. hugs. This will get better....I promise.

I'm glad that the employee no longer works with him. Does the waitress? What do you think it will take for you to trust your H again?

I, also, repeat my suggestion that you move over to JFO. While I post often on the Emotional Needs board, I highly suggest that you avoid it for now. You need some solid advice, and not a bunch of errant nonsense about Plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> There are some awesome people on EN, but they also will find you on JFO.

Thank you Tak,, Yes I am going to move over to jfo. Star suggested maybe moving my post. How do I go about doing this. I am fairly new to this well very new. Do you suggest I just start over with my story? Im so grateful in finding this site. I had a rough day today, and I really don't know why. Thanks again. Hurtin

Email the moderator at nokomismb@hotmail.com and ask the mod to move the thread. Your post and all responses will go with it. They moved one just last week.

hurtinhart,

Would you like this thread moved to the JFO board? Please let me know.

Thanks,
Nokomis

Oh yes please. Yes yes, i was just trying to do that very thing well not move it but start over again.. Thank you so much Nokomis Yes please move me . Thanks again Hurtin

This thread has been moved from the 'Other Topics' board per the topic originator's request.

I see you made it over here. How's everything going?

Hi Tak Yes I was moved thank goodness. Well Im fine, having a hard day today. It seems to come and go. But today my husband is having a meeting here in town, but at a hotel.. Everytime he has to go to a hotel i Just can't help but think. Then I land up being terrible the rest of the day. Thank you so much for suggesting the move, I hope that I can get some more responses. If I could just trust I know my life would be much easier, but for now I just have to rely on hope.
Thanks Hurtin

Wow, I really wish I could have talked to someone today.. Well I got through it. Well almost lol, its about 6:15 pm here. I have read some of the other threads and it seems my problems are small compared to most.. Then why do I feel this pain. Please say some prayers to help me get through this.. Hurtin <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well seems im not getting much traffic here either. Maybe this was a bad idea to come in. Thanks for the help you gave me Tak, and Star. I trully appreciated your time. Hurtin

Hey Hurtin,
I'm all for you, just don't know what to say. But I will post so that you know someone cares. Did you get the book "Surviving an Affair" and start counseling? Tak and Star give excellent advice, but you HAVE to follow thru. Doing nothing but thinking about your pain causes depression. Do what they tell you. Is it easy? No way. But at least your headed in the right direction. I will keep responding so you know people are thinking of you.
singleguy

Thank you single. It is just so hard when you have no one to talk to. I have begun looking for a counslor but I have not bought the book yet. I spoke with my husband about going into counseling and he is all for it. He says he will do what ever it takes . I just hate the thought of those awful feelings coming out all over again, while talking with someone.. Here it is easy I dont have to face anyone, on a one on one basis. Does that make sense? But Im willing to try it to save my marriage. Thanks once again, and by the way, anything you have to say is better than nothing said at all. Thanks hurtin.

hurtin,
The pain does lessen over time. This news is just fresh to you even if it happened awhile ago. I can remember wanting to puke my guts out the first time I drove by the hotel they first "did it" at. Actually I drove by the hotel on my way to work everyday. I just didn't know that it had that kind of "history" attached to me personally!! As for the trusting, that's natural to not feel trusting at this point. I would encourage you to not feel guilty about it. Your husband is the one who's actions created the mistrust. You and he will need to work on what kinds of things he can do to help reassure you and rebuild the trust. Don't worry about whether or not your situation isn't as "bad" as others on MB. Pain is pain! Most of us want to rebuild a good marriage in spite of infidelity. Most of us still love our partners in spite of the infidelity. You've come to the right place. Please help yourself by following through on the counselling and reading others have mentioned. You deserve support at this time. Take care!

Thanks lil mary,, Yes for some time now I have thought about the counseling... I have been reading relationship rescue . And it does help. My high school reunion is in a couple of weeks and I wanted to go so bad but it is going to be at one of the local hotels here,and well my husband worked there many years ago. Im afraid that the state im in, I will bring up the affair . My husband and two children have traveled this last year to different places and each time I am a wreck I try not to show my feelings around the kids, but when nite falls and the lights are out my mind wonders to places I would rather not go. Im so grateful to finding this web site. Thanks for responding to my thread I appreciate everyones imput. Hurtin.

Just checking in to see if there are any more responses. Last night my husband brought me a dozen red roses. It was so thoughtful. I really appreciated them.. We seem to be doing better, since I have been posting here. I have come to realize that I need to start believing in our marriage again so I can start to heal. Talking to each other sure does help. Plus reading !! Thanks again everyone who has reasponded to my thread.

Hi Hurtihart,
I see something similar happening to my wife and I think we can help each other.
I was the WS who had an affair several years ago and my wife found She doesnt talk much, says she doesnt know when the old feelings will come back.
I dont how you feel what your husband should do to help you or regain your love.
I have been doing everything I can. Help her in her work and help her at home. She knows that but does not acknowledge. She is not wanting much physical contact, I understand and respect that too. I am trying to talk more to her but she is not showing any emotions. She remains quite when I am with her.
She takes advise from chatrooms. What will you do? Should I stop doing these things or carry on anyway. I am hiding my own pain , no point pouring that on her as well.
Hope you can offer some insight.
For you I would say, does he do all these things which I am doing and if does what do you feel? Where has that love gone and when will it come back. Reading books is one thing, practically sometimes things are diferent.
I think we can help each other. Hoping to hear from you soon.

[ September 11, 2003, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Dear Humble,, Thank God I think you and I can trully help each other. Our situations are very similar and omg Everything you typed about is what I have felt. It is so hard to explain to you men. We want to love you, we still love you. The pain is so great. I feel exactly how your wife is feeling. And yes my husband is doing exactly what you are in hopes he will get a response from me. I have to admit, that since I have been coming here I have been able to recieve what he is giving me to a certain point. But then again, there are those days that I am just like your wife. He caters to me hand and foot. Sometimes I feel so so bad for making him feel useless.But then again there are days when I just want him to feel my hurt. On those days it is when I feel , that because I have responded to him that in his mind everything is ok , better. Then I lash out again only to feel even worse. How old are your children? Ours are 4 and 8. This is very very fresh in your w mind, heart , soul. Give her some space, but not so much that she feels you have given up. When you see her in another world. Offer a hug, but dont force it on her. She is very emotional right now. How is she around your children? I look forward to hearing from you. We can help each other I know we can. Im going to try and get my husband to come in . Maybe if he sees from you, we can all help each other. He is also hurting I know that. It hurts to see him hurt as well. Thank you. hurtin

Hi Hart,
Good to hear from you and know how you feel. I can make out the same going on with my W. My kids are 6 and 2 and my wife has always been very protective and caring , she is doing that now. She has a very resposnible job, full time, she is doing wonders there as well. She does not like the internet thing, knowing now what it did to me but as I wrote , she wanst to feel " the bad" thing by visiting chat rooms. She wants space, I am giving that her. I have not dared to try and hug or kiss. If she lets me touch her arm sometimes I feel okay. I dont know if she wants more or not. Please help.
And thanks. I understand that showing a response may mean all is okay and kiss and make up..well thats not going to happen. I am paying for my mistake, big time, I know it.

[ September 11, 2003, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi Humble how are you today? Well I can definately identify with your wife, that for sure. It is going to take some time for her to let you back in. I myself have not allowed my husband back in the way he should be for fear i will get hurt all over again. The thing about her going to chat rooms i feel is, well you dont know the people there, you can tell them things you would not even tell your family. Does anyone else know of your affair? (family members) She is lost right now, she does not want to talk to anyone else because she is ashamed. I remember when i found out. My parents live right next door to us, and I could not face my mother. I know I had nothing to be ashamed about for I did nothing wrong, but it is so deep within you. My mom came outside and I just wanted to run away for fear she would see right through me. It is so horrible. I wish I could talk with your wife . Her and I cold share what we are feeling. I cannot talk to my family about my feelings, i mean really, my sister and mother kept this from me. Humble I need to ask you this question. You don't need to answer it , but it would help . Why? Why did you do it? My husband says it was a mistake. A opportunity that was just there. Have you bought the book everyone talks about here? (Surviving an affair). My husband went out and purchased Dr. Phils book Relationship rescue. He started to read it , but then just stopped. When I was in one of my moods, I asked him why he said what for I have tried doing everything it suggests and no response from you. He needs to understand that it is not as easy for us, the wives. We are the ones that got stabbed in the heart. Yes you men are also hurting but hurting for something you caused. I don't like my husband to hurt, but like I said before. Sometimes I just want him to feel my hurt. I believe it is wrong of me to feel that way, but im being totally honest. I love my husband and you mentioned your wife also wants your marriage to work. Don't worry about her being on the internet for right now, it is her way of getting through when she feels most vulnerable. At least that is how it was for me, and still is at times. Another question for you. Why did you not delete the old mail? And does this person live near you? Please make no more contact with this person. If you want your marriage to work there cannot be contact. The reason she will take advise from chatrooms is because she is afraid you will lie to her , afraid she will get hurt again. Bear with her. I know it is frustrating believe me. Im so mean to my husband at times. I do feel im getting better as I come in to MB. I think you are trully sorry as my best fried tells me she believes my husband is. But our hearts have been torn apart everything we believed in was thrown out the door with the dirt. It will take some time for us all of us to heal including you and my husband. Do you children know ? I have so much to say and yet I feel i am saying to much lol does that make sense. I mean I could type for hours on this subject . Waiting to hear from you . Take care and be patient please. One other thing reassure her at times. Let her know you will never do it again. I need my husband to tell me that more . bye for now ,, hurtin

Have not seen you today humble,, I hope all is good with you.. hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
I just came in saw your reply. Thanks you are providing really useful insight, I know my W is hurting and I can feel that from you too.The OW had come very strongly on me on Internet , foolishly I fell into it, she remained a lot private though, lying to me about a lot of things. Why did I do it? Well, silly of me but it was lack of companionship and passion from my W, she kept awfully busy with work, house and kids and had less time for me. I felt the need for it and it was easy on internet. Very foolish, I should have been more patient , I would never do this in public life. Internet offered privacy and annonymity, Please keep writing as much as you can.
Did I leave something out?..more in a bit.

[ September 11, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi again,
About the Book on relationships. No I have not read it. I have read a lot online about relatiosnhip , it is foolish to say this but this is the kind of advise I give to others. I have been the mediator in many marriages of friends. That is why my W hurts. Hey Hurtin, hope your husband is doing such things too, I dont know when you will stop hurting..its tough..hang on..help is here..and think about the wonderful times you spent, it will revive your old passion, do the things you liked together.

[ September 11, 2003, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi Humble,, I cant believe how much you and my husband have in common, The humor, the achievements, etc. He also is very liked especially for his humor. I think most of our friends would just about die if they knew what he had done. Actually I dont think they would believe it. I never thought it would happen. Anyway Im glad there is no further contact. I also feel the imput from others is very helpful. As for your wife I think you are right she does feel for you but, your right, she is afraid to trust. I have just recently began to hold my husbands hand, kiss him on the forehead etc. I want to do it more, but then again (afraid)I have done this only once but I could feel the omg did she just do what i felt her do. My husband helped a little more around the house when i first found out, but he does still do things. Im glad your wife has begun to open up with her accomplishments. Now as far as the kids I made the mistake of involving them I was so so hurt . My emotions got the best of me, and I did not want to lie to them. I wish now that I would have kept them out of it, but what is done is done. As for what can you do to regain the trust she had for you, (Time) this is so fresh to your wife , i believe she is taking it better than i did, but the pain inside us is so great. We dont want to feel this way, but our minds our hearts rule over what we want at this time. Your kids are older and you and your wife have that advantage. You can go out for dinner etc, by yourselves which i think is good. I have no one to care for my little ones therefore it is harder for us to be alone with each other which we desperately need. We have been together since i was a sophmore in highschool. 21 years we have been together. My husband is a wonderful man, I just cant understand why people take the risk of losing it all. But what is done is done. Yes I think your wife is responding without the sexual contact. Be patient it will come. The hardest part for me was trying to put it out of my head the first time we did make love. I wondered if because it was all brought back to him, if he was thinking of the ow or just me. I know in my heart he was not but women think so much diffrent then men. It is hard , very hard. I remember the physical emotions I had, it was like animal magnitism or something I wanted him so bad but was so so scared, angry, etc. The feeling was that of when we first met. When I finally decided to let my heart win over my anger and we made love it was wonderful. If and when this happens to you, do not be suprised if soon after your wife begins to pull back again. For me I thought oh well now that we have made love he feels it is all better and he can forget what he has done. I hope your wife does not but it could happen. By the way it took me 5 weeks . Well I promised my daughter she could play a game so I have to go for now. I swear i could type for ever. Hope to hear from you soon good luck and god bless you and your family.. hurtin

Hi H, Was just checking in. I hope things have gone good for you today. Hurtin

Dear HurtinHart:
In the begining of this post you said: Please someone talk to me , help me. I hate myself right now, and I know I should not. For I did nothing wrong. But then why do I feel like such a bad person. Hurtin, real real bad...

It sounds to me like you have FORGIVEN, but just can't FORGET. Time will help, and it is nice that your H is doing all the nice things for you...but you know, there are some things you could do to help you ease your mind. For instance, do you have passwords to his email and voice mail? Do you get an itemized copy of his cell phone bills? Does he call you several times a day while he is at work? ANd if he does, tell him not to use the cell phone, but use the phone that is at the place he is at (so you can see caller ID!). You see, the more things he tells you that you can confirm are true, your faith and trust will grow with each truth that he tells! Since trust is EARNED, the only way that he can earn it is to PROVE it! Time doesn't prove it...but things he does that you can confirm will.

Hi hurtin,
Your post was realy enlightening and I can feel exactly the same thing going on with my wife. I talked some more with her and expressed my support and love for her.Thanks for your suggestions. I am repenting but I want to be make sure that I dont make those past mistakes again.
I am glad that you too are finding some of those momenst coming back to you.Will check again soon.

[ September 11, 2003, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi Jaref. Well I think you have hit the nail on the head. I did not realize that I had forgiven, but your thread made me think about it. I think you are right. I have forgiven, but have not forgotten. This may be the hardest thing to do. I mean it is all around me, every time we go out to eat or to see my father who lives out of town. Yes I do have access to everything you mentioned, the only thing I can say he does not do, is call from where he is from another phone. I will tell him to do this, I want to trust him, but he makes it hard sometimes. About a month ago the man that was involved in this terrible situation, his x employee had the nerve to call to my house. I called the number back and he said he was looking to talk to my husband because he was in town and needed to find some place. Omg was I angry. I was very cold blooded not with words but my response was not of being glad to hear him. I told him to call his cell, and if he didnt answer then maybe he didnt want to speak to him. Well when my husband came home, he didnt mention the phone call, I know the other guy called because he told me he had tried and left a message on his cell. (my hubbys). I told my husband that this is one of the reasons i do not trust him. He said I never talked to him. I said it does not matter, this guy was involved in destroying our lives, you need to tell me when he contacts you. Im still hurt over the whole thing, I feel he should have told me as soon as he knew he had called him, then I would not have to draw up my own conclusions as to what the phone call was about. I don't exactly know how to get threw to my husband on this. He says he understands, but continues to not tell me certain things I feel he should. I think because it has been 5 years since his affair, he feels I need to let it go and start over. He has not said that but he says the more I bring it up, the more pain im going to have. When he says that I feel he is not being there for me. I don't know . Thanks for your thread . hurtin

Humble,,, Hello, im glad my threads are helping you. I also want to thank you for helping me. Yes time is what your wife needs. I can feel her pain as if I was finding out all over again. Women and men are so different and I really never realized it, until this happend. Don't over do your love for her right now. She may take it another way, use your best judgement, for you know your wife. I wish that none of this ever happened to either one of us, but it has and now to make it better. I was reading another post where someone asked can i fix my marriage on my own. No,,, but it seems in my case that when im trying , my husband stops trying, and vice a versa. I don't understand this. He says things that make me jump down his throat right away. I m thinking on having him go to confession to maybe help him cleanse his mistake. Maybe then he will undrstand a little bit more what he has done. I mean I know he feels the pain he has caused but, somehow something else needs to be done. Im not sure. What do you think about that? Well got to go hurtin.

Hi, Hurtin,
Thanks for your reply on my post....it was very kind.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Well when my husband came home, he didnt mention the phone call, I know the other guy called because he told me he had tried and left a message on his cell. (my hubbys). I told my husband that this is one of the reasons i do not trust him. He said I never talked to him. I said it does not matter, this guy was involved in destroying our lives, you need to tell me when he contacts you. Im still hurt over the whole thing, I feel he should have told me as soon as he knew he had called him, then I would not have to draw up my own conclusions as to what the phone call was about. I don't exactly know how to get threw to my husband on this. <hr /></blockquote>You know, not to make excuses, but men are SO different than women. I think we women dwell on every little detail, and men try to narrow it down to the "important" things. Well, IT'S ALL IMPORTANT TO WOMEN! And no, they don't get it!

I see what you're saying, though. You feel like he purposely omitted, and he feels like since he didn't talk to the guy the phone call wasn't important. How forthcoming was your husband when you asked him about this? If you questioned him and he was openly honest, then you probably have nothing to worry about. But how do you get men to realize that you want to hear about everything? Every detail. I read somewhere that women talk an average of something like 20,000 words a day, but men don't even talk half that. When we come home from work we tell everything that happened. But if you ask your husband about his day, he probably says "it was fine".

But you are right. Your husband needs to realize that even though this happened 5 years ago, it was yesterday to you and you are bleeding.

I wish I knew how to tell you how to get through to your husband so that he would really understand why he needs to tell you everything. I don't know. Does he look at this website? DId he read any of the books?

Hi jar,, im so glad to see you . Im glad you understand about men lol,, i wish men did. Yes I believe him about the phone call , after being with him for 21 years you begin to know them so well it is scary. I think he realizes that im still bleeding he just thinks i need to stop bringing it up or sulking i should say. In a way (just a way mind you) he is right, but it so hard to just forget when things like the phone call come up. And you are right men are so different. What we think is major is just minor to them, I sent my husband the link just today and Im hoping he will come in and read, I think he will. He sees me reading lots. No he has not read any of the books offered here, but he did go out on his own and purchase dr. phils relationship rescue. Thanks again Jaref I appreciate any imput you have to offer, and like i said in your thread If you need to talk im here. I do not judge any more. This affair has made me think before I talk . Please come back and post and I will do the same for you, Remember Im here for you. Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Im glad you understand about men lol,, <hr /></blockquote>You know, when you're handling as many men as I am, you know all about men!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (Dry humor- don't take it seriously)

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I think he realizes that im still bleeding he just thinks i need to stop bringing it up or sulking i should say. In a way (just a way mind you) he is right, but it so hard to just forget when things like the phone call come up.
<hr /></blockquote>He probably wants to move on cuz the whole thing is embarassing to him - I know mine is embarassing. Everytime I post here I get a sick feeling in my stomach because I am revealing my shame to you all.

I think it's good that you gave him the link. He can read your posts and see your real inner feelings and what you are thinking. Plus reading other posts he will find out why you have to keep bringing it up.

Someday I am gonna tell my husband about this site, and I hope that when he reads what I wrote it will help him to be able to forgive me one LAST time...and I hope we will work together to build the life we both really do want.

hi jar, how are you tonight? yes i think my husband is embarressed. Today I woke up in a bad mood, and started crying before my son went to school, My husband asked what was wrong, and I said the same damn thing that has been wrong. I wish I could control myself from getting that way. He took our son to school and came back with a card that only made me cry more. But it was such a nice gesture. The card read, Holding good thoughts for you, for as long as you need them. for as long as it takes. And in the inside he wrote. Im so sorry ive made your life so miserable and your emotions so unpredictable. Thanks for trying and please keep on trying. That is exactly true my emotions are so unpredictable it sucks. Any way I think you and I may be able to help each other in a small way if not big. Thanks for responding , And I hope that you can overcome what is going on with you as well. hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
Hope youre well. I am making progress with my wife, by being myself and she is responding slowly.I think one can definitely " fix" their own marriage, because one " broke " it in the first place. It however requires both partners efforts and understanding.You being the BS, will also require a lot of effort and your H will require double that effort if not more. Both must be willing, both must look at this as a mistake, a foolish mistake, but it has nothing to do with their inner worth or inner self esteem.
For you my suffestion will be:
1. Forgive the sin, love the sinner. There is no way that the your H can erase that " sin" from his or your memory, no way he can " prove " his faith or love for you, without your help. You have to forgive and forget first unless you see any signs that he is not repenting or not going the right path. If confession helps, ask him if he wants to do that, If he is okay with it , he may do it as well but that should not be an issue.
2. Get rid of the baggage, forgive and forget. It is hard but can be done. You have to keep your focus on today and not yesterday. Many of us live in the past and future and not the present. If you keep thinking , oh my god , how this could happen to me 5 yrs ago, you will never forget it. Instead think of the good things that happenned to you in the past 5 yrs. People always remember the bad things and not the good things but it can be done. Forget the past, learn from it but do not dwell on it. Move on with your present life. The present is all that matters, future will never come, it is all in the present.
3. Set today's goals and think only about them. Positive thinking works like a miracle. It makes your subconscious strong with positive input. Your foremost goal should be:"I will make this marriage work again and make it stronger than before." Then your thoughts will focus around this only. If you think about Trust issues, then you will attract thoughts about mistrust, which will be a negative thought and detrimental to your healing.
4. Feel happy . You can do that by enjoying what is going around you.Small things can make you feel happy. You will reflect to others as you feel yourself. If you feel sullen and unhappy, your husband will sense that in you and it will have a negative effect on him as well. You dont have to go out of your way, just keep doing the daily chores with happiness and joy. Keep showing the affection you feel for him. Be among happy people, family or friends, it will rub off on both of you. We have been meeting a lot of people together and it has definitely helped.Happiness has a way of passing on to others.
5. Think postive about loving your husband again. Somehow positive thoughts attract positive actions. If you think about bad things, the subconsciuos is unacanilly attracted to those things and makes them happen.
Dont say to yourself, when will I know that I can trust him and love him. Say to yourself, I know that I can trust him, I have known him for so long and I love him.
6. Accept and pay compliments. This is important in building faith and love, it gives one confidence about oneself. Confident people are always gracious and open in accepting and giving compliments.
7. Do things together, which made you happy.

For your Husband, I suggest the following,
1.Positive thinking about improving relationship, instilling faith and love.
2. Setting goals: Foremost being : Make your wife feel happy and good about herself and your relationship. Do everything and anything towards that goal. Do things which make her comfortable and at ease and things that she likes, simple things like making the bed every day, making her a cup of tea or coffee, bringing her breakfast in bed on a Sunday morning, clearing the mess that she or you or kids make,.3. Feel happy. Do not feel guilty anymore,what is done canot be undone now, your mistake was not because of a fault in your inner self and it does not reflect your inner self worth. Learn from your mistakes for you do not want to repeat them. Be honest to yourself and realise where you made a mistake. Do not think about those things anymore, sometimes we have a habit of thinking how to avoid that bad thing and lo and behold, our subconscious makes that thing happen.
Our subcoscious is powerful , keep it focussed on good things and happiness.

OOOPS, it is getting too long, hope it helps. Let me know what you think.

It takes time but it can be done if both are working on it.All the best Hurtin..hope you find that love and faith soon.
Your friend, Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 10:27 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi Humble, Im glad to see ya, Im so so glad that things are going good for you and your wife. You have a gold mine in your wife mr. and you better not steal her heart away ever again. She sounds very understanding and willing. It is so hard for us women who go through such terrible circumstances, men also. Your wife sounds very understanding. Im trying my hardest to do the things you mentioned. I told my husband last nite that i wanted him to come in and read. I am trying to do things that make us happy and that we used to do long before. My husband is a good man right now he is painting the house. He gives so much to us all, and I want to do the same for him. Thank you for all your suggestions, they truly do help. Especially coming from a man. Sometimes we dont get the feedback from other woman that a man can give and visa versa. Thinking positive is a very good suggestion, and Im going to do my best to continue to be postive. Thanks again humble. Good luck to you and May god bless and look over you and your family. Hurtin.

Hi, I see that you havent come here yet.
Hope you are feeling better than before.
She is appreciating me now, I think. Fingers crossed, I hope she is feeling happier, that is what I want to right now, that is how the hurt will heal.
How are you feeling? Opening up more.? Tell me how do you want your husband to be right now, spend more time wih you or give you space for whatever you want to do? Take care,..H

[ September 11, 2003, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi H. Im so glad to hear that you had a good weekend. We also did. We do many things together always have. I don't think your wife ever stopped appreciated the things you did before and now, I think it is just hard to appreciate when the person you love so much has hurt you so bad. Right now I would like my husband to be more loving to me. I told him this Sat he said he is afraid to do anything. He said when he is affectionate I move away, this was true about a month ago, but I feel that I have been accepting him better. Now that I want him to hold my hand to reach out for a kiss etc, it seems he is not doing it. I know I confused him in the begining for i myself was and still am confused. But I really did feel that he was seeing a change in me. I really have been trying harder than I ever have in the past year, and now , now that I want the attention, now that Iam ready for it, he seems to be moving in the opposite direction. I hope I have not ruined what might have been. Well thanks for listening to me vent . Hope all stays good with you, H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi hurtinhart,
I think you are moving in the right direction. Tell your husband, you love him and want him. I think he may have got confused as you went slow or indifferent earlier. Doing things together definitely helps. We talk a lot now, I feel happy that I am helping her heal, I dont how long it takes, I will give her all the happines and care and affection. Hope you will do better gradually too.

[ September 11, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi h you are doing just fine. Keep her happy Keep her safe. Remember to reassure her that you will never hurt her again. It helps so much. We are doing better also. I just wish I could get the affection back the way it was at this time last year, (when I didn't want it) I hope he realizes I was just hurting so bad, not that I never wanted him, I was just hurting. Thanks humble I wish you all the luck in the world. Hurtin

Hi,
Hope things are improving slowly. I have the same feelings here. I feel my wife not responding. Your question really is " When will I feel that love and spark again" , I am thinking on the same lines , when will that feeling come in my wife too. I dont think she knows, neither do you?
We can keep doing things together, and I think it will come back again..who knows! You do the same things, may be you will feel that affection again.
You had said that when she will want me she will come back with an animal passion, I sure hope so, I will wait, just being gentle with her now and keep showing my love in daily life. Hope to God, I get my love back, and you too. Take care.
.....Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 10:34 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

HI H, Im sorry that things are not happening as fast as you would like . Your wife is going to need time, time to trust, love, heal. The love feelings you are looking for are deep inside her. She is afraid and I don't blame her. When this all first happened with my husband and myself, we would wait till the kids were asleep and he would talk to me. It did help. You are the only one that would know if you should try to talk to your wife. Sometimes we want to talk, other times we do not. I know it is hard to understand us , but think of it this way, It is hard for us to understand ourselves. Remember I am in a year and 2 months of knowing, and it is just as painful today as it was when I found out. I think about how short life is , and I want my life , my marriage back. Today Im having a difficult day. My husbands boss is in town, and well they will be going out to eat dinner. My husband invited me , but I have a cold and don't feel well. Anyway anytime he is in a Hotel or restraunt alone, those terrible feelings return to me, and I burst out with terrible things. Today I didn't I just told him to do what he needed to do. He told me I love you, and left. I came to the computer right away, so I could ease my mind. If I just sit I will think of all the things he could be doing and I will go insane. Humble I know how hard it is , but continue to love, cherish her. I also think that it is not as good as you are saying , the only reason i say this is because I know the pain, the hurt, and if it is good More power to you. Please just continue to reassure her every chance you get . Tell her never again , I need that from my husband . HE has not reassured me in a while now, and I think that is what Im looking for. I have sent him the link to this site. Only he has been so busy at work that he has not been on pc in quite some time. I need him to come in and see just what im feeling becuase we talk but my feelings turn to anger and this way I think he will see exactly what I need, want . I will try to come back again tonight I see that you post mainly at night. I wish I could catch you on. so we could talk answer questions. Oh one thing does your wife know that you are coming to mb to talk? Mine does. Talk to you soon hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
I seem to understand now things going on with my wife are the same things going on within you. She only told me " Give me time". We dont talk about this anymore, is that bad? I constantly display my affection for her. In fact other than my wife I have never loved any one else and she is the only woman that I have ever had a real relationship with.)
She had said how will she know if it will not happen again! Its 11.45 pm EST now, let me know when is the time for you to come online, so we can talk one to one like you said. I think this is a good way of healing each other, sometime we cannot tell something to our spouses as we are inhibited and afraid sometimes of the response.

Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hurtin,

I haven't had a chance to check up on you. How is everything going?

Hi h. How are you today? Me I have a bad cold. Anyway your wife is going to hurt for a long time. She is afraid you will go out and do this again, even though you tell her no way . We want to believe that is the truth but then again we never thought it would have happened in the first place. Yes you are right to keep sayin sorry and doing the explanation does bring out the hurt. What I meant about reassuring is. When you have to go out of town, or you will be gone for a good long time during the day, reassure then, Hun, I love you and I will never do anything to hurt you like I have. Something like that. I don't mean to constantly in every day convo bring it up, im sorry i led you on the wrong way with that. Just if you are going to be away for awhile reassure. I will try to get back to your other questions in a bit. hurtin

Hi Tak Im still here, and still hurting, but things are going better. Thank you for checking up on me, I was beginning to think it was Myself and Humble . Some days are better than others, but that is to be expected right? Don't be angry with me, but I still have not bought the book. I am going to I promise. Hubby just got word today that he will be working nites again ugghhh . Seems as soon as things start going good , then something makes it do a complete 180... Anyway thanks for coming back to check on me, I appreciate it... Hurtin

im back,, I almost forgot Im on mountain standard time. right now it is 2:06 in the afternoon. I will be on about 10:00 my time. Talk to you soon, hurtin

Hi, Hurtin,
Just dropped in to say hello and thank you for the kind words on my threads. Tonight someone gave me some things to think about. Yea!

Anyway, I hope you are feeling OK.

Hi Hurtin,
Is the cold any better, hope so.
I was wondering about how much to talk about the " thing" . We usually say bury the past , no point in discussing and talking about it. If we leave that baggage behind only then can we move forwards.
Hoping to catch you here.
Take care, Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hey Hurtin, hope you are feeling well.
Sleep well.
Humble

Hi hurtin,
Checking in with you to see how you're doing and let you know I'm thinking of you and also you, Humble, it's really curious to see the conversation going on between you 2. You are able to offer perspectives to each other on what the other's spouse might be feeling. There are so many things I wish my H understood and Humble you seem to have a pretty good grip on a lot of it. Hurtin you have made a lot of progress in the past year, I can tell. Doesnt' it feel like you've lived a lifetime since then? I've only known for a week and a half and I feel like I've aged by 20 years. I hurt so much and dont know what to do.

Hi say, Yes humble and I have been here for each other. Im sorry you are hurting , as we all are here at mb it seems. Things will get better. The pain does start to heal but then it seems when it starts to heal something new opens the wounds and you have to start healing all over. Please come back and let us in on what is going on with you. I would love to try and help you, and would love for your insights to maybe help me. I was not able to post last nite for some reason, i was here and getting very frustrated because my password would not work, today no problems. Yes I have come along way since i found out, but I have days like it happened just today. Believe me. Thank you for coming in to my thread and posting, Hoping to hear back from you very soon. Oh and by the way I was a total wreck before coming to mb. hurtin

Humble , im sorry i could not post last nite I saw when your last thread come in and i was so upset because i was here but the link would not let me post darn it . Oh well. Humble maybe you and I can help say, she is in a lot of pain i can tell. My husband just got word that he is going to have to work nites for awhile again, im not looking forward to it, Im going to need you people to get me through this... (no pressure) haha. Well I have to go. My cold is getting better but I think im going to blow my nose off soon. Talk to you two soon. hurtin

Thank you so much for caring, hurtin. I'm sorry you're sick, hope you get better soon. Today went from bad to ok to not sure. I sent my H an e-mail in mid-morning just telling him how much I hurt and need for him to not pretend as though nothing happened. He wrote back a long message about how sorry he was and that he didn't want to give up on us or our marriage, which made me feel good. But, his message was also a little beligerant (sp?) when he discussed our plans for the weekend but then said, "maybe all that is off now" (I guess because I wasn't doing so good). I wrote him back and said I think our plans would still be a good idea, but then I didn't hear back from him. On my lunch break I stopped by his office and he wasn't there so I left a note on his computer and then never heard from him the rest of the day. I am getting ready to go home and all I can ask for is a husband who meets me at the door with a hug and a kiss and no chip on his shoulder. That's a lot to ask now though, as we are both hurting and tend to take it out on each other. Humble, you can be proud of yourself and the efforts you are making with your wife. It is so hard for some men to show emotion or affection that if you can, it's a real gift.
I probably won't be back here until Monday as I write from my work computer. So, I hope you have a [decent] weekend, I mean nothing terrible and maybe a few baby steps in the right direction which is all any of us can ask for, right?
Peace & Love...
SIAS

Hi Say,
You are the BS , so you must be hurting bad. I can empathise with you as I have seen my W that way. It requires dedication and continued support for the WS to win some trust and love back into the relationship, and of course the commitment to do that must be shown as well. Thanks for your apprecation of my efforts.
I will also help you heal and understand what may be going on at the other end. I think this is a very useful way of learning how to cope...that is my other thread as well. I had Qs in the bginning and then with Hurtinhart's insight into a BS's heart and mind, I gathered a lot of info and set about doing simple things slowly.
Let us know how you feel about any aspect that disturbs you.
How commited is your husband towards you? Work aside, I think one's spouse has to take the No 1 priority at this time , healing her, should be the No1 goal in his life. That is exactly what I have been doing. Once you set that goal, then the road towards is not easy but it gives great satisfaction. I had been doing some of these things earlier as well, but I realise now their value. To give affection , respect and space gives her a feeling of being whole again. From your side you have been brave enough of telling your H that you hurt. Tell him you need him more, to spend time with you, to do small things together, to plan together and be around happy friends and famly. That gives you bonding.
Encouarge your H to do stuff together. That is what I think will work for you.
Take care,
Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi Hurtin,
I wanted to tell you that the posting on this MB and the password login required does get messed up sometimes, it keeps asking you to login. If that happens you should just refresh and try doing : " post a poll" or another option and then go back to " post reply " option and then sometimes it begins to work.
Hope youre doing okay, its a shame that H has to work nights. How is he doing?
If your H does somethings for you , appreciate them. I hope you begin to feel the same. Can you call him at work at night? Tell him you miss him.
Hope you can log in soon.
Take care.
Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi Humble, and so, Im feeling better today thank god. Im so happy for you humble. But just remember one thing. Just because things are going good, not to burst your bubble, but remember there may be a day that feels just like the day she found out for your wife. Don't get discouraged. Keep doing what you are doing. And for you my friend sayit ,,, Im sorry that your husband did not reply to your email. He needs to think of your feelings right now, and not the way he is feeling. Men are so different right humble? hahaha... Oh by the way do you two have aol, or some other provider.? I was just thinking maybe we could go into a chat or something to answer questions that way. Let me know I will be on later tonight heading out the door in about an hour. Take care both of you and im sorry i put everything into this one thread here. I was in a loss for time. Hope to see you both real soon. And for you say it,, Keep your chin up we will help get you through this, it is a long hard road but we will try to help as much as possible. Take care god bless Hurtin,,,

Dear hurtinhart, not only do I hear you, I feel exactly what you are talking about. The person that is supposed to love and protect you, let you down and in turn it has turned your life into a world you do not know, or at least are not so sure of.

I think the thing that makes me really sad is the part about the children. Why am I mad at them?? His actions create a long list of reprecutions for more people than he and the OW.

It seems that I cannot control my emotions at times. But, I pray when I feel overwhelmed, and it helps. Yes, forgiveness, and long-suffering have helped me out a long way but my feelings sometimes have their way with me as well. I oftentimes wonder will I ever get over this, and should I just leave him even though I love him, because I may have an emotional break down if I stay with him.

I love him, but in what way is what I am trying to figure out. Do I love him as a husband? Or for the husband he once was? Perhaps that is what you are trying to figure out too!

Hi Lenn. Glad you came to my thread. Yes the hurt is unbareable at times. I don't think that it is we are mad at the children, it is because they are always around, My husband goes to work and on the days im having bad ones, they are here , they have to see me in the moods i get into and they are the ones that see me cry, see my pain, see me different. Sometimes I feel exactly like you said Should I stay and make this work, or should I let everyone be happy by me not being around to *****, complain, be a different person that they are used to. I believe I do love my husband but I do miss what we had which was the trust. I would like to hear more about you, Do you have a thread here? I believe that we may get over this , but we will never forget , never forget the pain, the misery, the embarresment. Thanks again for posting . God bless you, hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
Yes, things seem good but I carry on regardless doing the right things.We hug a lot now.It feels really nice. I told you my W was on chat with a man, she has befriended him and still chats, SHE SAYS he has helped her a lot from going off the bend.I trust her judgement yet feel kind of bothered. What do u think?
we can talk sunday night.
Take care,
Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi H, I think your wife talking with this other person, is getting to you. I did the same . I was talking with a friend (male) when this all happened and he did help me , he helped me to understand that men are so different ,he would tell me you have a great husband he just made a mistake, forgive him, forget it. I talked with him for a while after I found out, and my husband new , soon after him and I my husband that is were getting closer, He my husband was giving me signs also that he was not liking me talking with him so much, He never came out and said it , but i knew. I think it is normal. I myself do not speak with him that often at all. He does send emails every once in a while to see how i am doing. but we do not chat like we used to. It will go away with your wife. Are you posting on the email post here about your email addy? I can do the same. Talk to you soon, hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
Its so surprising that you think the same way and good too. It means these things happen. . I agree the hurt is deep and needs support and diversion. Your opinion has made me see that. People here on the MB told me that emotional chats lead to PAs so I must monitor chats. I have thought that it will be an invasion of trust which I have in her, do u think that seems the right thing to do, just let her heal at her own pace?
I am showing all my affection and attention which I had hidded earlier, I am more vocal, she likes it I think, she has opened up much more, we seem closer now.
Is she just play acting?
Help me!
Thnx,
Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi humble, darn we missed each other again. Well this is hard, One thing is to be chatting online, but when it becomes a phone convo that makes me wonder. It may be that she is only try to find some kind of insight , that she is looking for answers. I don't want to alarm you, but do keep an eye out on the phone calls. She may just be trying to make you feel jealous, or scared, or somethin else. I know for myself when i found out, and i was chatting with the male friend , I wanted to chat more, to make my husband know that i could do it too, if i wanted to. I never would have, or never will because two wrongs do not make a right. But she may just be in the fog as they say around here. Keep doing what you have been doing I dont think she is play acting I think it is more of a pay back maybe , im not certain. Its so hard when Im not talking directly at you, to ask questions you know. Darn well I have put you on my bl and hopefully I will see you online. Oh by the way what chats does your wife go into ? Do you know? Not important but i was just thinking maybe I could catch her in one sometime. Take care . Don't worry , we will get through this. Today was a great day for us. Hurtin

Hi hurtin, I missed talking to you.
W had said she will take time to heal.
I want to continue to love and cherish her, if you came early like at 9-10 pm we can chat tomorrow.

[ September 11, 2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi Hurtin, how was your weekend? I hope it was good. Thank you and also you Humble for your words of encouragement. Although Friday night was kind of rocky, we ended up having a producting talk while I cried and then we went out for dinner and a movie (a "date" just like old times) then on Saturday and Sunday we did some fun things together like go for a hike and work in the garden. so this morning I feel pretty good. Also, I asked him to send me an e-mail when he gets to work in the morning, so I have something to look forward to when I get to the office, and he did and that was such a nice message. I feel hopeful this morning.
Humble, I am concerned about what you have said about your wife's "chat friend." Over the weekend I just finished reading "Surviving an Affair" and the book ends by being very clear that one's spouse should be one's only close friend of the opposite sex. Harley was very clear that there is no room in a marriage for exclusive friendships with members of the opposite sex. It sounds like this chat friend is meeting an emotional need for your wife that she should be allowing you to meet. The secrecy is what bothers me the most, as Harley also emphasizes how important complete honesty is to a healing couple. Have you read this book? It is an EXCELLENT book for all couples I think, whether or not there has been infidelity. I would love for my H to read it but first I have asked him to read "His Needs, Her Needs" and I don't want to overwhelm him with reading material LOL. Anyway, if you haven't read "Surviving an Affiar," I highly recommend it, and it might be good for your W to read too.
An example is, with what I am going through right now, it is very tempting to talk to friends about this ordeal, because I desperately need affirmation and someone to sympathise with me. I have a friend who is actually a mutual friend of both my H and I, but he is a very nice, caring man and I know if I called him he would be very sympathetic and a great listener and I could pour out my heart to him. It would feel good at the time, but I'm not going to do it because then he (a male friend) would be meeting an emotional need for me that my husband should be meeting (listening). Instead, I need to gently coach my H in the art of listening and being there for me. If I reach out to this other friend, what starts out as friendship could deepen as he continues to meet my emotional need of acceptance and listening. I dont' want to run this risk. Does this make sense? I wish your W could see that you are now ready to meet all her emotional needs, even the one this friend is meeting for her, which seems to be the need of friendship and listening and conversation. I don't know what to tell you except that maybe you should both read "Surviving an Affair" and really ponder what Harley says at the end about honesty and not having friends of the other sex.
Sorry this is so long, I am worried about what your W is doing.
Happy Monday to you both and anyone else who checks in here. Let it be a good productive and healing week for everyone walking this dark valley.
-SIAS

Hi Say,
Im glad youre doing the right things and matters have improved, thats great . Regarding my W, I know she hurt like hell and she had no one to share it with, in times like this you need to talk, annoymously usually but it maye extend. I understand the implications , havent read Harleys book but many will agree that there IS room for close friends for a W or H of the opposite sex. I hope she understands the implications, she has not found me very supportive of her ideas and attitudes and she always bottled them up. I dont know how much emotional need is being met there, I am trying to listen to her and she is talking to me more and more. I have faith in her and I love her, I went wrong , so I am trying to be unselfish and give all my love. I am trying to be happy so that I can spread that to her and help her heal.You take care.
Hope Hurtin comes on later and advises me too.
Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi humble, I can understand your wife wanting to talk to this friend , but now that you and her are getting along better, she needs to realize that she can now talk to you. It is a scary situation, humble, i mean ,, At times I was thrilled that this other man was talking with me even after he knew i was married and , its kind of the thrill the opportunity, that you men had. I sent you a email last nite did you get it by chance? I cant figure out how to put you on my msn messenger bl lol i have aol and thats all i know . One thing humble if this person who chats with your wife is only doing so to help, I really dont feel they need to conversate on the phone. Emails, chats, etc should be effeciant. I also like so, am worried about this. I dont want to say anything that may hurt you, but please be on the look out for anything suspicious. first of all if she is worried about you seeing her chats, etc. There is more being said than just the occasional forgive and forget. She may just be trying to fulfill something im not sure what. Is hotmail your only provider? There was a link here at mb to put your email addy down but i cant seem to find it. I hate to post it directly on here but if i have to , in order to help you and so, i will. I have to go for now, but i will be back later. My husband has to work tonight again. God bless. hurtin

Hi so,, Happy Monday to you also Im so glad your weekend was a good one. Things may be picking up for you soon, and i surely hope so. Did you purchase the book here, or some where else? I have to get it. Just talking with you and humble and a few others has made me re think my life, my doings. Do you have a aol account or something else.? Wow you sound so much better this time around. Please dont set yourself up for a fall, what i mean by that is be careful take things slowly . I wish you all the luck in the world hun. I will be back to post some more later . My son has open house tonight so i have to get dinner going early today. Thanks so im so glad you have come back to post.

Hi Hurtin,
I think you will read that things have become more clear to me now, and I need not get stressed. My W told me frankly that she will not do any harm to us of family. Howre yu doing . thnx, take care, Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi h, yes I just recieved your email. Thanks i was worried I sent to the wrong person. You two are headed in the right direction, keep your faith. It will all be ok, just dont get discouraged if she has a relapse and starts to wonder . In her mind wonder is what I mean. I hope it doesn't happen . Take care glad everything is looking up for you. Now we have to help out so. I hope to see her tomorrow . hurtin

Hi Humbleman

Please be very careful, my W didn't believe in A's either. My W had many of the same behaviors when I entered the computer room. If its just a friendship then nothing should be secret. EA's can develope slowly, but they do develope.

Hi all,
Hurtin, I know what you mean about setting up for a fall; some days I feel great and then the next day i can just crash. I just have to take one day at a time and figure out how to get through the day. I asked my H to send me another e-mail this morning but when I got in to work he hadn't sent one *sigh* I feel like if he was serious about this he would know how badly I need to hear from him every day, even if it seems silly to him. How do I get him to understand that even if it seems like a silly meaningless gesture (just an e-mail) it can make the difference to me between a good day and a bad day.
I have a great therapist and last night she and I talked about how my H is essentially a loyal and honest individual and what happened really was a break with character, and not something that happens a lot or will likely happen again. So that helped me feel good, but I also need my H to do the day-to-day gestures of good will that let me know he is serious about us.
I bought His Needs Her Needs at Barnes & Noble before I found out you can buy it on MB at a discount. Then I bought Surviving an Affair here on MB at a discount. Very much recommend both of them.
Hurtin, the title of the post is When can i start to love again? Do you feel you are rebuilding that love?

Hi so, How are you this afternoon? Hun I know believe me how one minute we are up, then next we are down. Men just don't seem to understand things sometimes, and well I think right now your h may be one of those men. I don't think you should even have to ask him to send you a email, he should be doing this on his own he needs to earn your trust, and respect back. I don't understand why he is being so how can i say this, shy<<< with you, Has he told you that he is sorry for your pain? Im glad that you have a therapist to talk to about this. I and my husband really need to go see someone, we are doing much better, but it is still not were i would like it to be. I want his attention around others, and dont want him to be distant. He is sometimes , maybe im just asking for to much, I feel he owes me at least that. He really is trying but now I want more attention on me, and Im afraid I have drove him away from that, anyway back to you. You asked about rebuilding our love. You know I believe so, but im still not trusting the way I should, I think once I can get over that hump It may be easier to love the way I once did. See I never stopped loving my husband, nor did he, we just arent were we used to be in that area. Does that make sense? I understand you when you say also that a silly gesture to you can make a difference in your day, This is so so true. And for the record it is not silly at all. Have you talked to him about how you feel, what you feel you need from him? Is he willing to try at least to do some of these things? See in the very beginning for us, my husband gave 110 % where i was not willing to give even 1 %. I think he felt that nothing he is trying to do is helping so he in a way gave up. Not completely but somewhat. I can see that , and Im not angry for it, just at myself for not letting him help me in his way. But at the time I had to do what I felt was best, which was put the wall up in front of us, so I could not get hurt further. All that is lacking right now, from my eyes anyway is I want that individual attention from him, not just when he wants to make love, but mainly when we are out in public. Do you or humble think that is selfish? Well hun i better get back to checking my mail i have 220 , i swear . lol. Anyway, Take care god bless, and I hope tomorrow brings a much better day for you. your friend hurtin

Hi Hurtin and So,

I Hve included both as the issues are similar:

1. When and how to trust again?
Not easy. Have trust in God and Faith. Have trust in you. Trust your own instinct. Trsut has to be rebuild slowly, something which breaks cannot be build in a day or in the same way as before, however, it can be rebuilt in an even better way.
2. How does the H feel when wife is not responding?
Despondent and frustated. He is repentant , wants to build bridges but he meets a wall.
My W had taken a decision to do the same initially. She went into chats and was in phone contact with her friend.
You have to try to do nice things in response for they give H happiness. Not necessarily wanting sex, thats not upper in my mind at least. Sex lies in the mind, not elsewhere. H should know that.( I do)

Hurtin, and So, I wish your H , would shower more affection on to you. That is the very basic, I think you should take the initative ONCE, and that might let them do the thinking.
You send a nice and lovely email or note showing that you still care.
You care and love your H, show that Now. They will catch on that and then begin displaying their affection more eagerly.

Hope I have been of some help.

I am closer to my W than before, just trying to handle this issue of her chats and phones. I think she will realsie or already has that I am listening to her now.

Take care, both of you.

Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi Silverthorn,
Thnx for your input.
I am not being complacent on that . I sit now with her , she chats in General friendship and Life chats. Her furtivenss has decreased a lot, not much fuss with the phone right now. She had told me earlier that this was mainly in retaliation to what I had been doing and hers were all clean chats. I asked her if she still calls him, she just shrugged and said no, its not important anymore.
My problem is , do I put a spyware, I dont want to invade her trust right now. I know her commitment , it is definitely more than probbaly mine was earlier.
So I am just keeping my eyes and ears open. Monitoring mails is easy as she doesnt use any password on that.
Hope it work for me,
you take care,
Humble,

Hi h, sorry i missed you again. I got your mail and was about to write when i got booted, then just came into mb. My husband is doing things for me, he makes breakfast on the weekends, he takes the kids with him on errands, he brings me flowers, what I want and need now is what he was doing when i first found out, and was not ready for. What i need is affection around other people, at home he is great, but when we are out there in the real world he is not close. I know that it is because he is afraid of rejection again. How can i get it back? should I just tell him? That would probably be best right? He just left for work, and one thing he never ever used to do before was wear his wedding ring to work at nite, his job calls for wearing gloves and he would say that he was afraid of loosing it. He has for some time now been wearing it, and i told him i noticed, and thank you. Humble im so glad things are working out for you. About the spy wear, it is so hard , I really dont think your wife has any intentions of an affair , especially since she is so hurt with what it did to her when you had one. I think she is just looking for answers, i went through this believe me we just in our own imature way of thinking want you our husbands to know that we can play the same game. Two wrongs dont make a right, but when we are hurting over infidelity, these things run through our minds. I would never do it although it did run through my mind as well. I dont think you have anything to worry about, but keep an eye on the bills . For your own sanity. Spy ware is so tasteless, I mean if you and you are the only one who really knows your wife feel nothing is wrong than dont risk it. If in a few weeks you feel something is up, i would just confront her, before doing anything else. Sometimes we look for problems, because of our own guilt. Does that make sense to you? Well I think I have typed enough lol. I hope to see you and so, soon. Take care god bless, hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hi Hurtin,
I agree with your opinion entirely. I am confident of my wife and I believe it was entirely that thing, that I can do it too, albeit, will not cross the line, so we get a sense of our follies. Regrding your H 's behaviour I have the answer. I know how it feels to be rejected when you have shown everything you have got. HE feels unadmired. You have to take small leads. Like I said a small note or card, men like that.
Then admire and appreciate him in front of others, as to the great things he has been doing with the home and family.
We need admiration and appreciation constantly.
Display yoru own affection in subtle ways, when outside, make more eye contact , brush his arms or hair for innocuous things, hold his hand..you know small things. He will notice them and take his initiative then.
Hug him close, that will rejuvenate him, kiss him lightly.Oops sorry if I became graphic.
.
Phone him at work , say you miss him. Make him his favorite dish for dinner or lunch. Those will instill confidence of your love in him.

Hope everything goes well. Take good care,
Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Good morning, oops, it's afternoon already.
Humble, I wish/hope that your ideas would work on my H. I have always showered him with affection and love, because that is what I wished for from him. Now is no exception. i think that the affection such as calling him, leaving notes, holding hands, etc. just doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me because he doesn't initiate such contact as much as I do or as much as I would like. However guess what Hurtin, he did send me an e-mail today without me prompting him to so that was encouraging. It's the little things, right? What I'd love would be for him to make it a habit but it's hard to teach people habits unless they come naturally.
Humble, your situation sounds like it's improving and you are doing so many good things for your W. It sounds like she is seeing the light about how much you love her and want to do right by her. These things take time but I'm glad she's coming around. I wouldn't make a big deal about tracking her phone calls or "spyware" or anything right now because you have to reciprocate her trust. If she starts to keep secrets from you or acts like she's hiding something then you can dig deeper but it sounds like it was very innocent and perhaps now you are meeting her needs and she won't go looking outside your relationship.
good for you!
Hurtin, you and I are in a similar boat as far as what happened with our Hs. Isn't it encouraging to know that it only happened one time and was just a big, huge mistake but not an ongoing relationship of deceit? When I think of people who have had spouses whose affairs lasted months or years, it just blows my mind as to how they find forgiveness. I try not to think about what my H did and as long as I don't think about it, I can find it in my heart to forgive him and just carry on. We'll see how long this will last but I have to go one day at a time.

Hi there you two,,, humble im so so glad for you, I am going to try your method of thinking, and I will let you know how it works for me. Ugghhh I know this sounds selfish but why do we have to try so hard, we did nada . I understand though and because he did do those things for me in the beginning, and i didnt respond I can understand why. My husband is an excellent father, better than any i have come across and not just because he is my husband . He does things with our kids every single day, even when he is dead tired, as he has been this last week and a half . He works all day long, and now that his employee is sick he is taking over for him at night , leaving at 9 sometimes and not getting home till after 2am. He is so tired that he is not able to sleep when he gets home, and still gets up and takes our son to school. He is truly a wonderful man, he made a mistake and now he has to pay the price . When I first found out I wanted him to hurt as much as I , but now that I am seeing things , I dont want anyone to ever hurt this way, not even my worse enemy. So yes it is very encouraging to know that it was just one huge, mistake with our h's. I don't know how I would be today if it was a on going affair. I thank god for that, and I guess I also have to give him a little credit for that. He could have done it more, (god I hope he never did it more than that one time) but life goes on. So I assume you dont have a computer at home, is this true? I wish you and I and humble could get together in a chat . Humble I was not able to send mail on aol today so I did not respond , but My screen name on hotmail is the same as my aol only without the 2003. Well you two I have to get it is early day at school for my little man, and it is the time to pick him up . Have a wonderful rest of the day. And humble thanks for the bday wish in advance , I plan to live it up that day... hurtin

Hi Hurtin

I did not have time to read your thread but I promise I will.I saw on billibobs thread where you wanted to chat.Here I am give me a day or so to get caught up on your story.I will probably have time to do it tomorrow.

Just wanted to let you know that I saw your request and hope that we can help each other.

Have a good night
Talk to you soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Hurtin,
I am sure you will make progress, your H seems such a nice man, one has to fogive and forget, for always remember that the baggage will be around your neck too, if you dont get rid of it. Its not easy, why should you have to do it, yes, thats life! It has twists and turns and that is what life is all about.
Also Saying So, instill it in your H, every successful man has a woman behind him.
You too encourage your H, you have great guys waiting for you.
Take care, Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Thanks Ginger,, I went in and read yours last nite it took a long time but well worth it. Thanks so much for replying I appreciate it. Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks humble,, Yes i value your opinion. I am trying and as I said I will let you know what happens. Glad to her your w is scolding you again , I think,,,,, lol... Anyway got to put my son to bed otherwise he will never ever go,,,talk to you soon,, Hurtin

Hi Hurtin

I read through some of your thread.I will be honest I did not read the whole thing because I have my GD running around and she is a terror,she likes to make a mess where ever she goes.

How are you doing?I may cheat and ask you to bring me up todate on your situation.I did notice that you got advice from Star.She is wonderful and has the greatest advise.

It seems that your H is very much a part of helping you recover.If I am wrong let me know.But if he is you are a very lucky woman.Count that a blessing.I know it does not make what they did any easier but just knowing he is by your side to help you through this is a great sign.

I will check in tomorrow and see how you are and hope for a little update.

Talk to you soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Hurtin,
Hope you had a good day. I seemed to be just anxious around my wife , and I hope to get over it soon.
Hope you get time to relax too.
Later,
Humble

Hi ginger, I was glad to see your thread here. I understand about reading the whole thread boy yours took forever, but wow, what an experience. Yes my husband is very helpful with everything. He trys his best to help me get through this every single day, I am the one on some days, that will not let it happen. I know that what he did was a huge mistake and I do believe he knows this also. After reading some of the forum I do know that I am lucky. His mistake was just one night, and some here are still living the nightmare. How are you doing? Are things any better in your situation? I truly hope so, and if not I hope it will come soon. You seem like such a wonderful loving, and giving person. Some men just don't know how lucky they are. My situation is so much harder than I have even mentioned. Only because my sister and brother in law are involved . I have not spoke with my sister,(not my choice) in a real conversation, in over two years. That is pain in itself. But god knows I have done my best to talk to her, and it is her choice to stay distant. well if there is anything you would like to know just ask. MB has been a blessing in disquise for me, and I told my husband just last nite , that I wish he would come in and take a look, He said he would . So with that said , thank you once again, God bless, hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi humble ,, IM sorry but im not sure what you mean about being anxious. Are you speaking of the chatting, and so forth? Humble don't worry about it, give her some time and space for now. I think it is just your own guilt that is makihng you anxious, no offense, but it is so fresh in both your minds and that may be the reason behind it.. Take care god bless, and not sure if i will be on in the next couple of days, We are going to celebrate my b day sat so ,, I will get back as soon as i can,, Hurtin

Hurtin

Ok now you have me so curious.How are your S and BIL involved.I know that you probably wrote it somewhere here but if you don't mind please tell me the story.

I am so sorry to hear of the pain of no contact w/S I am sure it is hard.

Yes you are lucky in a way but it does not make your pain any less than anyone else.Remember we all hurt and your pain is as real as anyone else's.

I have been through so much in my life,most of which I have chose not to share,but by far my H A has been the worst.The hardest thing to deal with.

I hope to hear from you soon.
Have a great day!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi ginger im finally back,, Sorry about the long wait, but the long weekend took its tole.. Well my sister does not talk to me because her husband and mine used to work together, My husband had to fire hers and ever since then , they have not wanted any contact with us. My brother in law new it was coming, he was talked to many times, asked to do certain things, and they never got done. It was one of the hardest things my husband has ever had to do, but of course they will never believe that. My sister stopped talking to me and my children, she says hi and bye on holidays once in a while now, but that is the extent of her affection. Then long story but i called her, i was torn apart by her not talking to me, so I called to ask why, why , what did i and my children do? She said the only reason she did not want to talk to me is because she knew of my husbands affair and was afraid , (yeah right) that i would get hurt. What else would i get excited,,, i mean really. Now it is harder than ever to even face them I feel angry, hurt, dissapointed, I love them all very very much but it is so hard . Just like you there is so much more i have chose not to say, but it hurts like hell, i have no family to talk to about my hubbys affair, only the people here on mb. I feel my family betrayed me, oh by the way my sister also told my mother, of the affair and she did not tell me either, which hurts so bad. I cannot talk to my mother, im afraid she will only say what i want to hear because she knows how hurt i am with her and my sister about this, Even though all this has happened , I love them all dearly and would love to have my family back, if not for me for our children.. By the way my sisters son is our godson, that is how close we all were before,, anyway,,, I hope to hear from you soon, ginger... god bless hurtin.

Hurtin
So sorry to hear of the pain,sometimes family can be cruel they do not realize that family is really all we have.We are the ones that love unconditionally.I hate to see families throw this kind of love away.I think that is one reason my H A has been so hard.I am the one in life that has stood by him and I feel as though he was going to throw my love away for a stranger that said just the right thing at the right time.

I am not close to my brothers and sister,although we all talk and enjoy each others company after our mom died we all drifted apart.

What did you do for the long weekend?Enjoy yourself I hope.
How are you and H doing now?Is he active in your recovery?

Hope to chat again soon.

ps.The people here at MB have become a lifesaver for me also during this time.I have met some of the best people here.

Good morning Hurtin,
how was your long weekend? Not too bad I hope. Mine was good, then bad, then OK.
Tell me something, does your H seem to not want to talk about what happened? Do you ever feel like you're nagging or carping on a subject that just won't die? I have found that my H is happiest and our home is most peaceful if I just don't mention what happened and we act "normal." But when something happens that reminds me, or I happen to mention anything having to do with our new status as a recovering couple, H immediately withdraws. The last thing I need right now is H to withdraw from me as he is all I have. So, it seems we can't talk about this or even the things related to it, like the Harleys books, etc. Surely that isn't healthy. It gets me down, but I'm worried to bring up any volatile topic of conversation because I don't want to ruin what fragile peace there may be.
*SIGH* How have you managed for a whole year?? Maybe your H is more willing to talk about his mistake?
-SIAS

Hi ginger, Someday my family will understand how they have wasted precious family time , but until then , there is nothing I can do. As for the long weekend, Sat was my birthday so we went out and had a good time, went to a b day party then out to eat dinner, then home for a movie. It was very nice. I then went on a shopping spree on saturday seems that is the only thing that takes the pain away sometimes, (bad therapy) i know. Sunday we bbqued and cleaned the yard . How was your weekend? My husband and I are doing ok, I feel that when i start to try my hardest he in a way forgets and goes back to the old him. That is not necesarily bad, but when this first happend he was so thoughtful about everything , words, actions etc. I have asked him to come to mb to just read, and he said he did not have time at the time i asked him to which was true, but last nite he was on, had the time, and didnt bother. I was kind of upset about it, but I did not mention it to him. I know he is also hurting for what he did, but the time has been longer for him, I just found out a year ago it has been 5 years for him. I want to be the main person in his life right now, i know that may sound selfish, but sometimes i feel he just puts what he did aside when things get better for us, then i get upset because i feel he thinks all is ok,I know exactly what you mean by throw our life away for a stranger that made eyes at him. It is just not fair , we the wives and the husbands that stick by them day and nite, land up with the poop in our faces. I can feel the tension building up inside me again, and I hate this feeling, I know im going to blow up soon. Thanks ginger, have a great day, hurtin

Hi say, glad to see you. My weekend was just fine thanks my b day was sat we had lots to do, Im sorry yours was not that great.When this all first came out, I asked questions, to things most people probably would not want to hear, but I figured it is best for me to know exactly what happened than come up with my own conclusions. He told me what i believe to be the whole truth. I hope anyway. we talked a whole lot about it the first probably six months every single nite. Now if i bring it up in any way shape or form, he gets upset, says that I am never going to get over it if I keep bringing it up, Which in a great sense is true, but there are some days when something reminds, me or he makes a comment and i will come back with what is that what your whore wanted, I know that sounds childish, i know, but im still so so angry inside, hurt and miserable most of the time. I have been trying my best for my kids. They are the ones that hurt more than anyone because they love us both so very much , they are still to young to understand the depth of all this, Yes i do feel like im nagging , but i also feel i have the right to . The last year has been very very hard, very lonely, very miserable. Only when i came to this mb site did I start to feel somewhat better, but as i told ginger up there, I feel the explosion very close again. Im scared I dont want this, I hate myself when i start to feel this way. My husband told me that he would do whatever it took, how ever long it took he would be there for me, and he is, but not quite the way he was in the beginning, and I realize now, that is what i need. When he was doing what I needed last year I was hurting so bad, that I did not respond, and now that im willing to respond it seems he is not willing to do what i need. Does that make sense? I feel im babbling on , and on here. Your husband needs to let you ask questions, he needs to undrstand how you feel. Im sorry that you feel that he is the fragile one. You are the one that should not have to worry about that, he needs to be more understanding of your wants and needs. I can feel your pain, of not being able to get things out in the open. There has to be a way for him to understand just how much this is of importance to you. My best friend says , my husband loves me, and he knows he made a mistake but , I need him to be there for me, when I need him. Well I have to get my daughter is dying to play a game lol. Take care god bless hope to talk to you soon, your friend hurtin.

Hurtin.

I can relate to the "old H" that is how my H seems now.I tell him every thing is feeling preA and I don't like this.He keeps himself very busy with little time for me.We have a stressful situation going on right now with our S.Usually when he gets real stressed he takes it out on me and tells me he can not take it anymore and is going to leave.This really hurts,but on a better note he has not done that this time.A small step but I guess I need to be thankful for that.

My H will not talk about the A at all anymore,he will not read anything that has to do with it or listen to me when I tell him of something very interesting I read on MB.The other day I printed out something I read that I thought was great about how you should treat your wife.He said he read it but I found it in the same spot I left it for him.He made no comment on it.All of this is so hurtful to me.He thinks by doing this all is well if we don't talk about it then its all over and everything is fine.

I did loose control last night.I yelled at him,I cried I told him how I felt how I hurt how this whole thing has made me feel like dirt,worthless.If my own H does not find me worthy of protecting why should I think any one else would or should.I know that I am not suppose to do this but I believe his lack of involvement in recovery is one reason I still hurt so bad.

I am glad you had a nice birthday,Happy Birthday.Mine is coming up.H forgot it last year because he was so involved with OW.I know it will be a very very hard day for me.

Have a good night talk to you again soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi ginger im so sorry that happened last night but sometimes we just have to let it out.. Like i said I feel it coming.. I don't understand how they think it is so easy to forgive and forget. I have not done either one, I thought for a while that I had forgiven , but lately I feel I have not again.. I understand how hard your b day will be, if he does not make any plans for you, you do it. go out for a movie so you dont think about it so much,, or better yet, meet a friend for breakfast, lunch, dinner. If you keep yourself occupied you dont think about it as much and on that day you should not have to think about it at all. I know it hurts when they say they will read something we ask them to, or do something we ask them to and then find that they have not, why say you will in the first place. When this all happened with us, my husband went out on his own and bought the Dr. Phil relationship rescue, he read a few nites now i have not seen the book out of the place i put it. He says he tried what it suggested and i didnt respond, Yes i did not but that was last year when i was not ready to , now that i am he does nothing to reassure me that he wants to. I will check back tomorrow have a good nite or morn which ever it may be.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Don't be angry with me, but I still have not bought the book. <hr /></blockquote>Have you bought it yet? Have you been finding good help out here? I notice you are getting more responses than you were on Other Topics, but I haven't read all of them to see what they contain.

Hi Hurtin
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.I have been busy and last night a storm blew through and power went out so I did not have time.
I do know what you mean about the H not really doing what we need.I wonder at times if my H ever will.I guess in a way I know that if I am to get past this I am just going to have to accept that he will not and just try my hardest to forget what he did and go on living.I know it will be on a different level than before.I will always be on gaurd of what he does,and I probably will never fully trust him again.But I don't see my future w/out him so some how I must make myself go forward.The problem is I just don't know how to do it yet.

I hope you are doing good today.
Can you say what part of the country you are from?
I am on the west coast.
Talk to you soon.

Hi there Ginger,, Nice to hear from you,You know sometimes I sit and think , maybe im asking to much of him my h he says to forget , but how ? Sometimes he says the most hurtful things that probably would not have been as hurtful if I did not know of his affair. I tell him I bet you never would have said that to your slut,, He just clams up. I guess I would too, but sometimes he just makes me so angry. You know I think you are right about the just having to accept . It is not a fair deal but if we want to live a somewhat happy life , we are going to have to try our hardest to let it just go. God knows what they did, and he is the only one to judge I suppose. I also do not know how to do it either. I want the affection he was willing to give me when this all came out. Is that too much to ask for? But I don't want it only in the bedroom either. Ughhh this is just too unfair. I asked god for help today I feel this explosion in my getting nearer and nearer. I try my best to hold it in, but then it gets to the point where i just want to cry and cry, and for what? To make myself more miserable because he is not around. He has been working day and night and when he is here he is always in his office . I feel so alone, I wish he could see it. He told me last year that he would never leave me alone , and here we are one year later and it is happening all over again. I know he is working I ask him to call me and not from his cell but from a phone where he is at. The thing is , he is always either at a Hotel, or a restraunt to of the places I hate the most. Gosh I m sorry im throwing all of this at you ginger , I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought I really thought I was doing good, but I guess im not . Thanks for listening to me vent over and over again. Oh im in the Southwest . Hurtin

Hi Hurtin

I don't mind the vent.It has been a hard week for me also.I feel like you I thought by this time I would be over it.I am not.

The alone thing.I totally relate.Everything here feels like before the A.I feel lonely most of the time.My H keeps so busy and it seems as an after thought he will slip in 5min for me.
Right after d-day it seemed he went out of his way to make sure I was ok,and spent time w/me.Would not work on computer when I was home.Now he is just like before and can not see it.

I did explode this week.I guess I held it in to long.I let him have it.I say the same thing that he would not have treated "her" like he treats me.That he does it just because it is me.That it makes me feel like I am less of a person than everyone else.I also tell him that "she" probably would not put up w/this type of treatment after all was that not her complaint and why she cheated on her H.
No response from H.

Can you say what part of SW?
If not here is my e-mail and you can mail me if you want and let me know.So far it seems all that I have met here are on the east coast.
Talk to you again soon.
Hope you have a better day.
gingerbread1023@yahoo.com <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Hurtinhart,
Im sorry I havent been posting for a week or so and reading your last post of 2 days ago , I am very much concerned for you.
Please DO not think negatively, you are going to come out of it.
I believe that you have to be honest and tell your needs to your H. You cannot forget all but you can gradually let go of it. Try not to bring it up for that will put your H on the defensive. If you want to discuss any issue or doubt then by all means discuss it with him, clarify it all, once for all, all what he did and all that you want to know. Get all the answers and then let go of them gradually.
I think you need to tell your H to spend more time with you. He should be able to make that out. Write a note for him that says so, perhaps you are not able to say it to his face , write it all out, so he can read it and think about it. Tell him you love him and you need him to express his love for you by spending time with you even if it means cutting down on his work.

One needs to move on, we cannot pursue happiness.Take good care and come online to chat if you want.
Humble

[ September 11, 2003, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]

Hi hurtin hart, billibob here, sorry
I havent ansered you till now, been real busy, back to work,I thought it would help take my mind off things, but it hasnt, dont get to many chances to come on here, my wife doesnt like me being here, she thinks Im looking for someone to replace her, so I only get on when shes not here, which isnt to often ,I cant believe your sister, and even worse your mom ,didnt tell you, I guess they just didnt want to be the one to cause you so much pain, and I can see that, dealing with the pain myself ,I wouldnt want to cause it to anyone, we had a bad fight ,just verble, fri the 5th, I packed, and was going to leave, but came back ,I keep asking myself why, and the only answer is I still love her, but its hard shes had 2 affairs where she had sex, and 1 internet affair where they talked about it, and maybe more that I dont know about, well I have to go get dinner ready ,Ill try to get back on soon, good luck and Ill keep you in my prayers billibob

Hi billibob
Always good to see you on the forum.
Maybe that is a good thing that your W thinks you are looking for someone.Sounds to me like she still cares alot for you.She doesnt want to loose you or she would not care.
I'm glad you are back at work I'm sure it makes you feel better about yourself.
You are a wonderful man to stay w/someone that has been unfaithful more than once.
I only know of the one A w/my H if he has had more I don't know about it,if I found out different I do not think I would stay and work it out no matter what.Once is enough.
Good luck to you billibob I always wonder about you.
Take care.

Hi Hurtin.

Hi bill,,, Well better now than never,... Im sorry you are still going through so much with your wife. And the reason you keep coming back is, because you still love her, You have always, she is the one that may have stopped for a short period, but although woman, men who have had the A say they never stopped loving us, I have to disagree to some point with that. Im glad to see you back on the forum also, and I don't see why your wife is so worried about you finding someone. I think it is her own guilt that is getting in the way there with all she has done. You should not have to hide to come in and make yourself feel better, by getting some answers to your questions, and your feelings. The way I see it is, she could be doing it for you, but sometimes it is hard to get anything out of the one that made the mistake, I think its because quite often we dont want to her it from them, because we think it is a lie. That is how I feel anyway... Glad your feeling better though, keep us posted. hurtin

well its me again,ya know I started to believe my wife, I thought there was hope,I thought we were going to make it I even started eating more than just a little dinner, I lost 60 pounds over this ,I never stopped loving her, and still do, but I can no longer stay married to her .I used her truck today, so I could pick up a door on the way home, I get to work a half hour early, its a 45 min drive, and I leave early in case of traffic, so I won't be late, well I was sitting there and decided to get nosey, and was looking thru stuff, found nothing in the open, then I open the consel, thats inbetween the seats, and pulled the insert out, and underneath was 3 rubbers, I had this open 3 weeks ago, running some wirring, and they were not there then, shes up in st louis, spending the nite with megan ,a freinds daughter we took in to get her out of the city, she is pregnant, and there there with her mom to get an abortion ,wich I dont like but thats another long story, anyway I called her, and asked her to explain ,all she could say was ,she didnt know where they came from, and would like to know how they got there, I must have stupid stamped on my forehead ,I told her to come back tommorrow, leave my mini van ,and load her things in her truck ,and get out of my life, I cant take it any more ,I dont know what I'll do

Billibob,
This is not what I expected to hear.I am so sorry.I wish there was somthing I could say to ease your pain.Maybe you should start a thread and get us all caught up on everything so that we know better how to help you through all of this.
60lbs that is a lot of weight.Has your W done anything at all to help in recovery?
Do you think she is seeing the same man?If so why don't you contact him?
I know this is alot of ? so I will stop but will be back to see if you have answered any of them.
Take care and now is the time to keep posting

god I feel so bad, my wife called and still insisted she didnt know where they came from, or how they got there, she even went as far as to say maybe I put them there, because I didnt want it to work out,that pissed me off, and I told her that if I didnt want to work it out, I wouldnt have stayed , and that I didnt need to plant rubbers to leave her, shes already given me plenty of reasons to leave, and hung up, I was sitting here crying staring at the rubbers, and noticed the experation date 10/89 I imediatly called her back and said I was sorry they must have came with the truck we just bought it last year, and I didnt see them when I ran the wirring, I dont think she would use rubbers that are 5 years past the experation date,I just found them and thought the worse ,I even opened 1 up and they were dry rotted, so I know they werent hers, with all the lies in the past, I just thought the worse, things have been alot better latly ,before today and I think shes really sincire about wanting to stay together, and that she will never do this again

You know billibob they did this to us.
I do the same everytime something happens I think the worse.It is not your fault that you jumped to that conclusion.It is just natural after all you have been through.
I hope your W knows that she brought this on not you.
I snap at my H all the time more so lately than at first,I think it is his lack of showing me that I am important.He acts like nothing ever happened he is right back to the same old guy.I feel cheated,he told me everything he wanted out of me and I gave it to him to show him how much I wanted the marraige to work.He did good for about 2m.and the sad thing is it was the first 2m after d-day when he was still wondering what he wanted to do.
I know you feel bad but do not beat yourself up over this.Call your W tell her the reason you reacted so was because you love her so much and the pain is so deep and you just don't want to get hurt again.If she loves you she will understand.

I am so glad that it turned out to be just a mistake.
And billibob eat something you look hungry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

hi ginger, your right my wife seems to go on like nothing ever happened ,but it has, my life has changed forever, so much ,I don't know how I get thru each passing day, I pray each nite for god to give me the strength to get thru the next,and thank him for another day, together with her, I hate this emotional roller coaster ride ,I wish someone could stop it so I could get off, I keep hoping its just a bad dream ,and I'll wake up, and all will be fine, but its just wishfull thinking, thanks for the go eat something, you look hungry, it made me laugh, while I was crying which I dont seem to do much of lately hi hurtin, you said they say they never stopped loving us, well my wife said the same thing, and I think to myself, I could never do what she has done, I would have to stop loving her, and divorce her, before I could be with another woman, so I dont understand why they say it
I live in missouri, and its a nasty rainy day here, hope you 2 are doing ok, it sure helps knowing your not alone, and having people to talk to, I tried talking to my best freind, but hes no help, all I get is I dont knows, and your a better man than me, cause I would leave well I gotta go work just called and theres a flood in a unit, you two have a great day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> billibob

Hi Billibob,
Glad I made you laugh,we all need that sometimes a good laugh.
Its funny the things we took for granit.Like laughing,eating,sleeping.Some days I am so tired of all of this I just want to run away.
I have not told any of my friends I know that they would have became weary of me by now.That is what has been so nice here,I have made so many great friends to talk to,that help me when I am low and that I can help when they are low.
I hope your W knows how lucky she is,I would do anything to have my faithful H back.But he is gone forever.
Talk to you soon.

Hi billibob, sorry i have not got back to you in awhile. Im so glad to hear that the object you found was a mistake, Like ginger said don't beat yourself up over reacting the way you did. God knows i do it every single day it seems like. You see we have been hurt so bad that we jump to conclusions, but not because we want to , but because we are on our guard. It seems that when we finally make it up the hill, something brings us right back down. Billy,, I think when our spouses say they never stopped loving us, it is the truth,, and believe me that is really hard for me to admit.. For me anyway my husband got caught up in a fantasy world were he didn't stop to think of the reality. Now he is living a living hell with me, because of the hurt he has caused. I do not want to live like this either. I also ask god to get me through the next day, hour, week . Im lucky in a way like some have said her at mb. My husband had a one night stand but it does not make it any easier on me. Oh and mr, you need to eat, take care of yourself because at this point no one else is going to. Do a little something for yourself weather it is buy a new shirt, or pair of pants do it.. Shopping these days is my therapy. You know before this happened I would not buy myself anything new at all, it was always for my children, but I have found that it makes me feel better to a certain extent. Do it for yourself , go out to your favorite restraunt and indulge.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> lol. Have you two talked about counseling? Ginger nice to see ya lol,,, pretty soon we are going to have to call our friend billibob billibones. I hope you two have a great weekend and together we can try to get through this I hope... God bless both of you,,, your friend Hurtin

Hurtin
I think I like that name billibones LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What do you think billibob.
Im tired going to go talk to you later

Hi Ginger I just thought I would drop in and say hello,, seems we lost our friend billibones, and humble and one of the other gals that used to post at my thread Hmm I hope they all are doing ok,, How are you today Ginger,, I didn't see you around today,, Well hope to see you and any of the others real soon.. Things are a bit better here. I still wish hubby would visit the site, but oh well what can you do..Hurtin

Hey Hurtin I am still here,had to work today and then do grocery shopping and earands so it was a long day.I start vacation a week off of work!!!Yeepee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Do you think they will survive w/out me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I am going to go visit my kids for the weekend so I probably won't be around for a few days but don't get worried I am to hooked on this site to totally disapear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Hope to catch up w/you Hurtin.
Talk to you soon.

Hi Ginger Im glad you are going to visit your children have a great time,,, Everything is good here ,, Im sorry i have not got back to you via email just things have been busy ,, Take care and hope to hear from you soon,, I miss you already,,, take care,, your friend Hurtin

hi hurtin and gingersnap, billibones here, Im still around, working, and catching up on all the things around the house, that I couldn't do, while I was bed riden, dont get much spare time to get on the computer, been thinking alot, about just giving up, its so hard knowing what she did, losing my faith,don't know if I can continue being married to her,I'm sure you two know the feeling,the thoughts just won't quit, Its affecting my work, my life, just don't know how to go on,well hope you two are ok gotta go wash the minivan, and get dinner going just thought I'd stop in, and let you know I'm still around ,billibones

Billibones,,, nice to hear from you,, Ginger is out of town this weekend. I know how hard it is to forget believe me... I do know that im the only one that seems to hurt when i bring it up , so Im trying not to , Hey come make dinner for me and my family lol,, I hope your eating some of that dinner your making, Did you ever read the book on dr phil,, relationship rescue?? Im not sure if it was you that was going to our not, I hope you have a good week. Take care and thanks for keeping in touch. Hurtin

Billibob and Hurtin
Im back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Billibob,you have come this far what has changed to make you think you can go no further?
You have every reason to leave if that is how you feel but me I hate to see a marriage break up.Can you tell us a little more of what is going on that is making this so difficult right now.
I am sorry and I know your pain.I hurt more now it seems than before.I think alot of it has to do with thinking to myself last year at this time he was doing this and that.I know I need to stop but it is hard.But the bottom line for me is I still love him.I hate him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> but I love him.Does that make sense?

And may I say again,does she know how very lucky she is you wash the car and make dinner?????
Are you sure you are real <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Hurtin hope to connect w/you this week.I miss talking to you I need a good laugh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Hurtin,
Im here and read all the posts. You havent posted much either in the past 2 weeks.
Im sorry to hear that your anger and frustation is still there and surfaces frequently. I think its natural for you to hurt like that and doubts arising in the mind. I have build considerable bridges with my W and its been hard work and it goes on. I think we are on ot a much closer and stronger relationship. We talk a lot. That is what will help you. Talk spontaneousy with your H, without any blame or guilt, his attitude towards such fantasy like realtionship will surface, let him emote too, and then he will be rid of his fantasies too. I dont know if this make sense to you. Your H has to work with you , otherwise alone you will continue to be in self doubt. Think of the worst that cud have happened, which it has not, think of the present and how you can convert that to future. Be supportive and take reassuarnce from him which will help you build trust. It will reflect in his actions not mere words.
Take care,
Humble

Hi billibones, and Gingersnap,hehehe thanks for replying you too, Welcome back ginger i also needed a laugh, Billi I understand everything that you said and it makes a world of sense, Your right we need to talk without blame or guilt. I just feel that he is getting away with it, once i start to go back to normal he then or it seems to me that he feels all is ok,, I cant deal with that because it is not ok, not by far. my husband is a very loving man, he is a excellent father and i hate to say it, but a excellent husband as well, all of this was so unnecessary it seems. I will never understand it , but I am willing to try to fix our problems. Mine included. Ginger my friend so so glad to see you back safe and sound ,, we will talk soon im sure,,, stay strong hun,, Hurtin

Hi billibones, and Gingersnap,hehehe thanks for replying you too, Welcome back ginger i also needed a laugh, Billi I understand everything that you said and it makes a world of sense, Your right we need to talk without blame or guilt. I just feel that he is getting away with it, once i start to go back to normal he then or it seems to me that he feels all is ok,, I cant deal with that because it is not ok, not by far. my husband is a very loving man, he is a excellent father and i hate to say it, but a excellent husband as well, all of this was so unnecessary it seems. I will never understand it , but I am willing to try to fix our problems. Mine included. Ginger my friend so so glad to see you back safe and sound ,, we will talk soon im sure,,, stay strong hun,, Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi billibones, and Gingersnap,hehehe thanks for replying you too, Welcome back ginger i also needed a laugh, Billi I understand everything that you said and it makes a world of sense, Your right we need to talk without blame or guilt. I just feel that he is getting away with it, once i start to go back to normal he then or it seems to me that he feels all is ok,, I cant deal with that because it is not ok, not by far. my husband is a very loving man, he is a excellent father and i hate to say it, but a excellent husband as well, all of this was so unnecessary it seems. I will never understand it , but I am willing to try to fix our problems. Mine included. Ginger my friend so so glad to see you back safe and sound ,, we will talk soon im sure,,, stay strong hun,, Hurtin

Hi billibones, and Gingersnap,hehehe thanks for replying you too, Welcome back ginger i also needed a laugh, Billi I understand everything that you said and it makes a world of sense, Your right we need to talk without blame or guilt. I just feel that he is getting away with it, once i start to go back to normal he then or it seems to me that he feels all is ok,, I cant deal with that because it is not ok, not by far. my husband is a very loving man, he is a excellent father and i hate to say it, but a excellent husband as well, all of this was so unnecessary it seems. I will never understand it , but I am willing to try to fix our problems. Mine included. Ginger my friend so so glad to see you back safe and sound ,, we will talk soon im sure,,, stay strong hun,, Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ok ok ok ok I think I get it,I know I am slow but geee you don't have to post it that much for me LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hurtin you don't have any short comings do you???
I did not think so,you are to wonderful for that!!!

But really I guess we all need to take the blame for what we do wrong,but none of us the faithful ones really deserved what we were dealt.

Billi hang in there,maybe you need to post a little more often to get your feelings out.We are here to support you and help you and then that way you are not taking it out on your W.
Keep posting it really does help.

hi ginger & hurtin, I think of the affair she had 12 years ago, and the internet affair she had 2 and a half years ago, we even went to a marriage consoler, I think how many times she wanted to know when, and if I was going to scout camps with my 2 oldest boys, and she would get my youngest to spend the weekend, or the week with a freind, so she could be alone, was she with others, I just dont know,she would leave me here to fend for myself, the first couple of days she would pack me a cooler with lunch and sodas because I couldnt move from the back pain, then she quit, she got up early 2 saturdays in a row, left me here to fend for myself, to go be with him, she has even admitted, she let me do oral sex on her, right after being with him,and he did not wear a rubber, the thought makes me want to puke, she can sleep good, and call his name in her sleep, she eats good, she laughs, and goes on like nothing has happened, but it has,and my world seems to be crashing down around me,I dont eat rigrt and I definitly dont sleep right, and I cry all the time, she just doesn't seem to be the woman I fell in love with, and married 20 years ago, ginger I know what you mean, love him, hate him ,love him ,I hate my wife for what she did to me, to us, but I still love her, I guess thats why I'm still here, I just don't want to forgive, and find out its all lies, and get hurt again, I forgave her for the first affair, and even thou the internet affair wasnt sexual, it might have been if I hadn't caught it, but I got over that one two, but this one is the kick in the face, I just don't know if I want to take the chance again,she seems to be trying hard, but is it real, or more lies, well I have to go get dinner going, will try to get back on sun, have to work sat, tring to make extra $ to catch up on bills, and I have so much to get done before winter, alot of things got neglected for the 8 months I was down, seems like I'll never get it all done, hope you two are doing good, have a great weekend, your freind billibones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

omygosh im sorry for all those postings,, I didnt think the first one went through and then to see umm they all did,, Im glad you got it Ginger, lol,,, Billibones,, I just dont get it,, you seem to be a loving and forgiving husband, but I dont know for me, hubby gets this one chance , I could not do it over and over, First of all its not fair to you or your children, And once may be a mistake , maybe just maybe even twice,, but more than that just seems like she is taking advantage of your good being. Im sorry you are hurting,,, Im sorry we are all hurting, but if we want to succeed we need to move along, If we are going to make the marriage work we also have to give, even if we feel and i know i do, that we should not have to, I hope things get better for all of us,, God bless untill next time, Hurting signing off,,

HI Billi,Hurtin
First,Hurtin you can say what you want as much as you want I love listening to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

For Billi,I am no expert so lets get that straight from the beginning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I see in you a very loving,caring,husband and father.Is your wife blind?
I am not making fun of blind people,but almost every post you talk of getting dinner ready,why?I am all for shared responsibilitys but I feel like you are doing 80%and her 20%.
You Billi are going to have to stop doing this.You sound to much like me,a giver and you give until you have nothing left and I think this is where you are right now.You have gotten yourself so worn down that now you can not think straight.

I think it is time you stop doing so much for her and let her see what she would be missing if you were not around.I know it sounds harsh and it could be a gamble,believe me I know because I have been there and still am in a way.You need to really lay it all on the line for her.I feel like she is in some way being a cake eater.Even if the affair has ended what is she doing for you?How is she showing YOU that YOU are the most important thing to her.Now that the affair is over it is very important that BOTH partners in the marriage meet each others needs,not just you meeting hers and you getting nothing in return.

Billi,we are all afraid of our spouses having another A,but we can not go through the rest of our life not living because of fear.I do not trust my H but I do not go daily thinking he is going to cheat.Yes there are times I worry and it is hard for me,but I will not let it kill me.I looked in the mirror and saw an old,tired,angry,ugly person and said this is what HIS desicion did to me and I don't like it.I will not let this kill who I am,I am in charge of my happiness.Please do not get me wrong I have days of crying and being down but for the most part I tell my self daily that I am somebody special and I will be happy for me.
It is hard but Billi you have to do this.Don't miss out on life because of this.If and this is only an If,your W choses to be unfaithful again it is her choice not yours and you then will need to tell her to leave that you will not be disrespected anymore because you are a great person and deserve more.
But I feel if you love her than don't live your life like she is going to cheat again,live it like she is in love with you and you her and enjoy your time together.

Do something for Billi this week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Like put some meat on those bones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Hurtin and I are going to have to cook you up some mexican food and fattin you up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

[ September 26, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]

Bravo Ginger ,,,, You said a mouthful girl,, Billi I agree with Ginger . You are doing to much for her and she is taking and you are not receiving.. She knows she has a good thing and she also knows that she has had an a before and you are still around and doing for her. Dont get us wrong it is great for two people to give each other but in your situation it seems as though,, you are the giver she is the taker. Ginger and I have our ups and downs,, also but I know that I do not let my husband get to the point that he is taking and not giving. He always gives me always, so I really don't have that problem. I do wish he was more giving in the emotions area . He says that he has tried and that i did not respond so there for why continue. I understand him, to a point. When this all first happend, I was not ready for him to give me anything, Now I think Im ready and willing . I hope things get better for you billi and about the mexican dinner oh la la We can fatten you up quick..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but put some meat on them billibones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Ok enough said have a great weekend both of you,,, It seems you two are the only ones that come to my thread lol... God Bless you both. Hurtinhart

Hurtin
I come here because I know I will always feel better after reading what you have wrote. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Others just don't know what they are missing.

Do you think we should put the word out??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sorry we could not connect earlier I don't know what is wrong it wont let me
log on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hope to chat w/you again real soon.

hurt,

Would you mind humoring me a bit and helping catch up on how you have progressed since finding out about the affair. What recovery plan do you have in place to prevent this from reoccurring.....that is the challenge with these things you know? On the one hand....trust has been destroyed...on the other...we usually have a spouse he just wants to put this behind them. How are you coping?

Thanks for keeping up on my story. hugs.

Hi Hurtin,
I am still hee, havent forgotten you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Just wanted to tell you that my W and I have really worked hard on each other have nearly gotten over, she told me that herself, God, bless her. We are now stronger than ever before in our relations. She needs some space, and I guess we should all have our own private spaces to de-stress ourselves.
Important lesson I learned was not to live in fantasy relationships but to experience real joy of just being close in the present time. I urge you to look within yourself and give up the mistrusts and bad emotions, try to be positive, love yourself and others and share the daily love and care. Your H is afraid to commit but you can encourage that by taking the lead now. Come out of grief and begin to enjoy your day everyday, meditate and let your mind clear of the clutter. That will bring you joy and peace.
Hope this helps.
Your friend,
Humble

Hi Ginger ,, Im sorry we missed each other, maybe in the next few days you will be able to log on,, You better be able too lol.. Thanks so much for the kind words, I also feel so much better after coming in and reading. I feel If I can help someone just a little by what i have to say , then I have made it a little easier to live their life. Im so glad I had the opportunity to meet you, through the world wide web hahah... Hope to catch up to you soon. Oh by the way Pete is home and I missed him and was able to tell him that. Thanks so much for being there for me to vent. Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Star its so nice to see you here at my thread. Thanks so much for your words. Ok where should I start,,I feel since coming to mb I have progressed. I am able to tell my husband how im feeling without feeling myself that iam excuse my language *****ing. I feel he knows that I am trying and he definately wants to put this all behind us. I know he is right, to keep bringing it up is only hurting us both. First of all it reminds him of the A second of all it reminds me , and I really don't need to be reminded by myself right? As for my recovery plan, well Im living each day , day by day, Im giving him more attention as much as I am able for the time period we are in, I encourage him to do things that he may not have wanted to do in the past, I really dont know exactly if this is a plan, but I feel that it is doing some good. We are able to go out and do things without feeling that terrible feeling of guilt for him and embarressment for me.. I asked him to reassure me more when he walks out the door, and he has started to do this. I really deep down in my heart feel this will never happen again, but he is the only one who can prevent it. I have asked him to come into mb and look around , as of the conversation, im not sure if he has or not, last time I asked he had not. He has started reading Dr. Phils relationship rescue which he purchased. We just recieved surviving the relationship yesterday so that is my next project. How am I coping I am doing good I think I have my days when things just are not right, but usually it is when he has to go out of town, and then my mind starts racing,, he has been home much much more than before, and he is starting to be more attentive. He says he always wanted to, He just never knew when I wanted him around, which is the truth Oh boy star you got me started lol,, anyway I love reading your posts you give the word strength a whole new meaning. hurtin

Hi billi,, Glad to see that things are looking up for you.. I hope that it stays that way for the rest of your lives. I agree I have to give up the mistrusts and the bad emotions and just start living . Life is so short and what good is not living the best to your ability right? One question,, why do you feel my husband is afraid to commit? I just dont quite understand that one. I think it is my that is afraid of the commitment because I do not want to ever feel that pain again. But I would like to hear what you feel and think every little bit helps. Im looking at it froma womans point of view and your point of view just could help so please tell me more. Thank you for your words I am trully going to try to do what you say,,, I will keep you updated on our progress, Thanks again, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hurtin

Hurtinheart, After reading your thread I realize how painful this must be for you and am glad things are going well. I don't know how to put this without it sounding bad in that your lucky you caught this now. My WS is trying to end a EA with my ex best friend. I found out 16 months ago and just a couple months ago found out he had a PA while he was on the road, he travels for aliving, over 10 years ago. My sister told me as she had seen something in him at that time and knew, I confronted him now and he admited it. I now realize things were starting to go bad back then but I didn't see it. I wish I had caught it and had been able to make changes then when it was one night stand per say and not an EA. So enjoy the newness of learning about one another. And know that you have to go through the process and on the other side you will be much stronger.

me 39
WS 44
2 boys 4 and 11

hurt,

You know what really helped me? H and I went to an MB weekend together. It wasn't real expensive and it ensured that we sort of adopted the same language and understood eachother.

Many marriages, according to cerri, fail not because of the affair....but a failure of recovery. The folks who have to recover from ongoing affairs...have a slightly different task than we do...but some of it is similar. Let me show you what I mean. This is what Dr. H suggests as a recovery plan...precautions and the four rules:

Extraordinary Precautions to Avoid A Former Lover

To help you totally separate from your lover, and avoid the temptation to see him when you crave him the most, I suggest the following extraordinary precautions:

Even though the ONS is over and has happened in the past...these things still apply.

1. Honesty

The first extraordinary precaution to avoid your lover is to tell your husband all about your affair, and the decision you have made to restore your love for him. Then promise to keep telling him the truth about every aspect of your life, so you never again have a secret second life where you are tempted to hurt him behind his back.

Honesty and openness is one of the best ways to prevent yourself from being inconsiderate of your husband's feelings. It was your friend's threat to reveal all to your husband that motivated you to separate from your lover. Your friend wanted to shed to light of day on the things you were doing in secret to protect your husband. But you should do it yourself. Go right to your husband with the facts. If you had been honest about your budding relationship with your lover from the beginning, it would never have developed into an affair.

You may be afraid that once your husband knows the facts about your ongoing affair, he will leave you. Quite frankly, I think he has the right to make that decision. If, faced with the facts he decides to divorce you, you lose your option to restore your relationship with your him. But you simply cannot build a relationship on lies and deception. Dishonesty will never get you to your goal of loving your husband again. So it's better to get all of the cards out on the table now and build your marriage the right way, even if there is a chance that your husband will throw in the towel before you have a chance to reconcile.

Another reason you may be reluctant to tell your husband the truth is that he might have a violent reaction to what you have done. If you are afraid of his reaction, separate from him first, and then tell him the truth in a public place or with friends who can protect you. If your husband cannot control his temper once he knows the facts, then I see no hope of saving your marriage. Honesty is so important in marriage that if the threat of violence prevents honesty, I don't believe you will ever have a good marriage.

Besides, dishonesty does not prevent violence in marriage, it encourages it. If your honesty brings out violence in your husband, your dishonesty would enrage him even more, once he discovers that you've lied to him.

If you think your husband may divorce you or become violent when you are honest with him, I encourage you to be honest anyway, before you begin your plan for reconciliation. If he cannot accept the truth, no plan of reconciliation will work.

One reason you may be having problems putting this behind you are that you haven't had all of your questions answers. No, it isn't a good idea to keep bringing it up....but have you gotten some closure by having your questions answered?

2. Account for Your Time.

Once you have established a willingness to be completely honest with your husband, then continue to be honest with him about all of your activities. Make sure he knows about everything you do throughout the day. Give him a complete schedule of your activities, and let him know which of those activities make you most tempted to contact your former lover. Try to avoid people and places that increase your craving to be with him.

This was a biggie for H and I. He had to begin to communicate with me throughout his day. He didn't like accounting for his time, but it was essential in restablishing trust and a connection between us.

3. Spend As Much of Your Time with Your Husband as Possible.

During withdrawal, there is not much your husband can do to deposit love units into your Love Bank. But it still makes sense for you to be together as much as possible. That's because the more you are with him, the less you will be tempted to contact your lover. Try to have lunch together, talk on the telephone several times a day, and be sure to spend evenings and weekends together.

In many cases, I have suggested that a husband and wife go on a three-week vacation together during the first few weeks of withdrawal, just to help the wayward spouse avoid contacting the former lover. I tell these couples not to expect too many love units to be deposited, but by getting away from the reminders of the lover, they find that such a vacation greatly reduces the time it takes for withdrawal. Besides, the distractions of a vacation can often compensate for the depression that accompanies withdrawal, and makes the experience much less painful.

Sometimes a wayward spouse feels like getting away from everyone during withdrawal, and going on the vacation alone. But it doesn't work. It's too tempting to call the lover, and in many cases the lover ends up joining the wayward spouse.

If you go with your husband on this vacation, you will not feel like being very romantic with him. He should expect very little from you, because you will be recovering from your addiction to your lover. It's only after the craving for your lover subsides, and your depression lifts that you will be able to give your husband the opportunity to deposit all the love units it takes for you to be in love with him again.

Getting those fifteen hours in....well, it's not easy...but don't cut corners...without time together, recovery can't occur.

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery

1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.

If you and your husband want to be in love with each other, you must build your Love Bank accounts. But before you build them, you must be sure there are no leaks in the Love Bank. It's pointless to deposit love units into a sieve, where every deposit is promptly withdrawn by a Love Buster. So you must make a special effort to plug up those leaks by committing yourselves to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.

The most obvious things spouses do to ruin their love for each other is what I call Love Busters. They are angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, annoying behavior, selfish demands and dishonesty. I describe these destructive habits in my basic concepts, but if you need special help learning how to avoid them, I suggest you read, Love Busters: Overcoming Habits that Destroy Romantic Love. This book will help you identify the Love Busters that keep emptying your Love Bank accounts, and show you how to stop inflicting them on each other.

Most of the Q&A columns I've posted on the Marriage Builders? web site focuses attention on the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). This policy protects both you and your husband from each other thoughtless decisions. Your affair was a blatant example of thoughtlessness on your part because you knew it would hurt your husband, but you went ahead and did it anyway. The Policy of Joint Agreement is a very important guide to helping you keep the Rule of Protection. That's because it helps you realize that anything you do that hurts your husband is off limits to you, regardless of how wonderful it makes you feel.

If you had followed the Policy of Joint Agreement, you would never have had an affair. But the Policy will also help you avoid hurting each other in a host of other ways, too. My book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, can help you learn how to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, and use it to negotiate agreements that are fair for both of you. Once you learn to negotiate with each other fairly, you will have learned how to follow the Rule of Protection.

2. The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important emotional needs.

The way to deposit the most love units is to meet a person's most important emotional needs. Your lover did that when he wrote you all those e-mail letters because conversation was your most important emotional need. After one month of filling your Love Bank with thousands of love units that were e-mailed to you, you found him irresistible -- you were in love with him.

Conversation is not your only important emotional need. Affection, recreational companionship, admiration and sexual fulfillment may be some of the other important emotional needs that your lover met. Unless your husband eventually meets your must important needs as well as your lover met them, you will be frustrated and at risk for another affair.

Sometimes a spouse must learn to meet a need that he or she has never been very effective in meeting. Many of the spouses I've counseled have had to learn to be affectionate for the first time in their lives. They also have had to learn to be stimulating conversationalists and skilled lovers. They have had to learn to provide greater financial support, become more effective in their parenting skills and learn to become admiring instead of being critical. New habits that lead to need fulfillment can be learned by anyone. All it takes is a plan and willingness to follow it until expert level is achieved.

But your husband may already know how to meet your emotional needs. An important reason that you had an affair was that your husband's work schedule prevented him from giving you the attention you craved from him. When you and your husband agree to follow this second Rule to Recovery, his work schedule will no longer stand between you, because meeting your needs will become your husband's highest priority. All the needs that your lover was meeting for you will be met by your husband in the future.

If you need help identifying and learning how to meet each other's important emotional needs, I suggest you read, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage. It describes the ten most important emotional needs for men and women, and how to become an expert at meeting those needs. When your husband has learned to meet your needs, he will be depositing so many love units that his account in your Love Bank will be overflowing. By then, you will be thoroughly convinced that leaving your lover to rebuild your marriage was the right decision to make.

3: The Rule of Time: Give your spouse your undivided attention.

You indicated in your letter that it was the lack of your spouse's attention that drove you into the arms of your lover. But it may have been more a lack of time than a lack of attention. As I already mentioned, your husband may already know how to meet your emotional needs, but unless he sets aside enough time to do it, all of his skill does you no good at all. It's the man who gives you time for undivided attention who will win your heart.

I suggest that you and your husband plan to spend at least 15 hours each week together, giving each other your undivided attention. Use that time to meet each other's emotional needs for affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. I have found that if that amount of time is taken to meet emotional needs, you can spend the rest of your 100 waking hours each week doing just about anything you please, without any risk to your love for each other. But if you do not set aside that time, your good intentions will not buy you a single love unit.

Since most everything we do must be scheduled or we don't do it, I suggest you take about a half an hour each week (say, Sunday afternoon from 3:30 to 4:00) to schedule your time together for the next week. Get out your schedules and write each other into your appointment books. Once scheduled, don't let anything interfere with your time together.

I suggest spending the same days and times together every week because it's easier to remember than a new time each week. Besides, you can be better emotionally prepared to be with each other if you always know that Tuesday evening you will be together from 7 to 10.

I also suggest that you spend time together when you have plenty of energy. Don't give each other the leftovers, give each other the best of yourselves. That's why I generally rule out time together after 11:00 pm. For one thing, you need your sleep for the challenges of the next day, and for another, there are not too many people who are at their best that late at night.

Finally, I suggest that you spread your time out every week, giving each other at least one hour of undivided attention every day. I am generally opposed to cramming all of your time together into a marathon weekend of 15 hours, because undivided attention is required, and 15 hours of anything makes undivided attention almost impossible.

4. The Rule of Honesty: Be completely honest with your spouse.

We have already discussed honesty as an extraordinary precaution to prevent you from contacting your lover, so I won't say much more about it. But what you begin as an extraordinary precaution, must become the standard way you and your husband communicate with each other -- with openness and honesty.

You have not been honest with your husband. If you had been honest, you could never have had an affair. Your honesty is your husband's greatest protection because it lets him know what you are up to. It also helps you both make adjustments to each other. Instead of having an affair, you should have told him how unhappy you were with his negligence of you, and how you were falling in love with another man who would give you his time and attention. If you had ended the budding relationship then, and focused on getting more of your husband's undivided attention, you would not have put both of you through such an ordeal.

The Basic Concepts section of this web site contains a section entitled, "the Policy of Radical Honesty." It outlines precisely what the rule of honesty is. It's complete honesty. I want you to read it over very carefully, because it explains precisely how honest you and your husband are to be with each other.

But be careful not to let Love Busters ruin the purity and value of honesty. Keep anger, disrespect and demands out of your honest expression of facts and feelings. If you can do that, you will find your honesty will not only help you find solutions to your problems, but it will also draw you closer together, and help you become the soul-mates that you can be.

If you are willing to permanently end your relationship with your lover (never see or communicate with him again), get through withdrawal, and then you and your husband follow the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery, I guarantee you that you will have a great marriage. And I also guarantee you that neither of you will ever suffer through an affair again.

This is a recovery plan. It contains all the elements I used reach recovery, compatibility and intimacy. You know all of this....but it's easy to lose focus once the crisis of finding out about the affair ends. Don't let that happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Km,, thanks for coming and posting . Yes it is hard many more times than less, but I am trying my hardest to put this all behind and move on with our life.. It has been one year and 3 months since D day, and It is time ... I have spent to many days, nights worrying and Im tired of it all. About how lucky I am ,, yes i believ you are right... So many others have on going a to deal with, this was a one nite stand and I do feel lucky for that. Im sorry about what has happened to you, and Im sure the pain is greater because it is a friend a close friend... How are things for you know? Are you and your H still together? I would like to hear more, do you have a post here? Thanks again ,,, Hurtin

Wow Star I really appreciate all the time you spent here at my thread today.. I think you are absoloutely correct in saying marriages according to cerri fail because of failure to recover rather than from the affair ,,, It makes so much sense.. I sat here and read all you put here for me,,and I thought wow,, it all makes so much sense.. I would love to go away with my husband for even just two days.. I think we do need this we have not been alone together in 9 years. Im going to see what i can do to make a weekend work just the two of us.. Thank You so much for all the information you have listed for me,, I have printed it and am going to read it often.. Thanks again Star, it is truly appreciated....Hurtinhart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

hi all,ginger, I can't help but do for her, and my children, thats the way Ive always been, some of her freinds that come around say they wish there husband was more like me, they watch too much tv sports ect, and they see me always doing something, I cook, clean, do dishes, laundry, scouts with the boys, take care of all the car repairs, all the maintenance of the house,we dont call any repairmen,I'm a jack of all trades, I'm in the middle of building a master bath in our bedroom ,and when I finish that, I'm going to build a big walk in closet, amoung other plans I have, next spring I want to build a storage shed, and get put new gutters on the house, and paint the outside, I keep thinking the same thing you said, maybe I should just stop, and maybe then she would see just how much I do, and how much money we save, by doing it myself, Ive been worring about my back, my job, my parents, and then this, toped off with going thru my midlife crises, and that has just intenseified everything, I'm so tired of all the feelings, and emotions, and feeling so tired and drain all the time, I was mad at her fri <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> , she knew I was working sat, and megan our adopted daughter was up in st. louis for the weekend, and my son joe was working, and she told my youngest son it was ok to spend the nite with a friend, which left her alone on sat, hello isn't this how she was going to be with him, making sure she was alone, to have the time to do what she did, it seems everytime I start feeling a little better, she does something like this, I don't know if she just doesn't think of what I'll think when she does these things, or if she thinks i'm just stupid and will overlook the nitemares of the past, well I've vented enough, I need to go change the heater in the hot tub, so maybe I can use it later tonite, it sure helps my back, so its the 1 thing I'm going to do today for me, hope your all doing ok billibones

Ok wow is she the luckiest woman alive or what.
Sounds like we are much the same.Doing for the family and doing for us last.
Sometimes Billibob I really believe that they do not think of how thier actions make us feel.I know my H will do something that will just break my heart and he wont even realize what he has done until he looks over at me and sees tears and then he will say "Did I do something wrong" well duh I want to say.
My H right now is putting himself in a postition were an A could happen very easily.He has a website and alot of the contact are women.I tell him how this makes me feel and he says but I love you I would never hurt you again.He does not realize that the trust we shared is gone.That in his mind he may think that he will never hurt me again,and he may never hurt me like this again.What he fails to see is that I can not believe him yet.That he needs to show me that he means this,by doing things differently with me in mind.I am sure you can relate 100% to this.

Well billibones,enjoy the hot tub and then go eat some Ice cream ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Have a good night and keep us posted.

Ginger where have you been?? I have been worried about you. Please drop me a line in email so I will know that you are ok.. Billi I feel the same way that ginger does. Maybe if you stop a few of the things you do, your wife will learn to appreciate you more. My husband sounds a lot like you, he does all the housework has renavated our house put a new master bedroom, bath, office, laundry room, and just installed new floors in the living room and hall. He painted the house two weeks ago. Takes the kids so I can have time for myself washes dishes on weekeends, and goes shopping with me all the time.. Why can I not realize how wonderful he is.. I mean I do I just ugghh I think you all understand. Why do people mess things up so bad that they could lose everything they have worked their entire lives for,,,, it just doesnt make sense, but then again what does... Well i have to get to bed.. take care all, and Ginger please let me know your ok... Hurtin

Im ok.
And my H doesnt do any off that stuff.
Maybe I should trade him in for a better model <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

Hi ginger, I have missed you the last couple of times you have logged on..I hope your day was good, mine was thank god. Hubby left me a email last nite saying he realized how much i have tried the last few days, so I was happy for that. Hope to talk to you soon, Hurtin

Hi Hurtin
I should be packing but I am sitting here typing to you instead LOL I am off to my 25th class reunion,got to go see who went bald,and who put on the most weight LOL.So I will be gone all weekend be home sometime on Sun.so hope to catch up with you then.Have a good weekend and please someone out there try and miss me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh boy what fun,, Have a blast women your gonna be the prettiest woman there. I just had mine in august it was my 20th. Didn't go because we didnt have a sitter, but saw pictures . I didn't miss anything lol.And what do you mean some one out there miss me... I have missed you for a while now,, Did hubby go with you??? I hope so, but if he didnt i Hope you had a great time .. Talk to you soon Ginger,, God Bless I wish you a safe trip home.. Hurtinhart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Hurtin
Im home,your right I would not have missed much if I didn't go.I feel depressed now.
I really miss you I will look for you online,I need to laugh.

Hi ginger,, Im glad we caught each other the other nite. I probably wont be on much the next few days my son is having a sleep over b day party on sat and well i have to get things in order. Im sorry you didnt have such a great time, but remember what we talked about. They just dont get it. And probably never will. What luck huh? Anyway I hope we do catch each other online for a few words of wisdom hahahahah I crack myself up. Have a great day at work and a great day off . Hurtinhart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ginger, what happened at the reunion? Why are you so down now?

Hurt.....it sounds like your husband is trying to deposit units....I think his love language is different from yours.

Hi Hurtin
You crack me up too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
At least you know that your humor is not waisted just on yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Star,Its a long,short story I will tell you just not sure where to find you.Tell me where to post it and I will.

Hi star ,, Im kindof well not understanding.. What do you mean My husband is trying to deposit units.. Im sorry its probably as plain as can be , but i just dont understand,, and about his love language,, being different is this a good thing? Please let me know. Thanks Hurtinhart

Hi Ginger,, Im glad im not waisting my crack ups hahaha,, How have things been for you this weekend? I hope they have been good. I must say we had a realy good one. The party was a success. I will send you some pics as soon as I develope them. Wow, not many come in to this thread anymore, I must be getting boring,. Talk to you soon. Hurtinhart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Hurtin

Glad the party went well.I sent you an email of my latest drama in life.
I wonder where billibones is I am a little worried about him.
Hope to catch up w/you this week.
Dont worry to much about people not stopping in on your thread weekends are slow I think.
Anyway Im here what more do you need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi ginger,, Im not worried about who comes really just been thinking about billi also and humble. It was nice talking to you last nite.. Wish it could have been longer, but nature has a way of messing with me lol.... Well I just thought I would post back to you, I have to go and make dinner for my rugrats,, I hope things are good today for you. I feel the feeling coming back I wish it would stay away.. Hurtin

Hi Hurtin
I know I sure hate that feeling too.Last night was rough for me.Today I feel a little better.It was nice talking to you too.Stay strong ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We will catch up again soon.

hurt,

You asked about my comment on deposits and love language. You stated this earlier:

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> My husband sounds a lot like you, he does all the housework has renavated our house put a new master bedroom, bath, office, laundry room, and just installed new floors in the living room and hall. He painted the house two weeks ago. Takes the kids so I can have time for myself washes dishes on weekeends, and goes shopping with me all the time.. Why can I not realize how wonderful he is.. I mean I do I just ugghh I think you all understand. Why do people mess things up so bad that they could lose everythin <hr /></blockquote>Your husband is speaking to you in the language he knows....doing things around the house, giving you time for yourself...but you admit, that it doesn't make you think he's wonderful. Why not? Well for one thing....you probably speak a different language. For another...he may be working very diligently at fulfilling the wrong needs. Please do try to recognize that he is speaking a language you haven't learned (*where IS that universal translator!!!*). Begin to look at what he does differently....and also help him to know where his efforts will be most appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hi hurtin, hi gingersnap, billibones here,havent been on in a while wife and I had a major blow out she told me I thought I was the only one he was screwing silly me well I didn't take it well at all I blew up I said silly me for being faithfull for 20 years the next day I was going to ask her to leave but she text messaged me during the day saying she would with her last breath try to make me happy , when I got home I told her I was going to ask her to leave but decided not to I told her if she wanted to make our marriage work she had to give me her beeper and stsrt working wendsdays so I wouldn't worry she agreed without hesitation so here I am hoping again hope you all are ok billibones

Hi Billibob
I was just telling hurtin that I was worried about you wondering what was going on.Sorry to hear about the blow out but I have had a few of those myself.
Things for me are stressful again but in a different way.H union went on strike his store is on lockout.Talk about adding more salt to the wound.I will say this since I am so stressed now over how we will survive if this last for long I have not been waisting as much time on thinking of his A.I will say tho there are times it creeps up on me and the pain is even worse now.Nowing she offered him a better life than what we have.Wondering if she would be standing by his side through all of this(im sure she would have at first but after 26yrs i doubt it)Maybe I am the only fool left in the world.
I should be the poster child for the saying
"If it werent for bad luck I'd have no luck at all" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh well I feel like I am really at rock bottom so I guess the only place I can go now is up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope all is going good for you and W.Keep us posted.

hi ginger I too feel like a fool a fool to believe love is forever a fool to believe and live the vows I said twice to my wife a fool to trust I went to the doctor fri he said I was on the edge of a nervous break down he asked if I thought about suicide I said yes he asked if I had a plan and I told him I did on d day but didnt do it but I think of it alot and of killing the om he put me on antidepressants he said it would take 3 weeks to start feeling better hope I can hold out lifes hell he also gave me a sleeping pill to help sleep sorry to here about the strike hope he gets back soon heard there talking well gotta go talk to you later

Whats going on now billi?
Has something else happened.I feel like you on the edge of a break down.I remember the summer I was going to turn 10 my mom had a break down no one told me what happened to her she was just gone.She was in the hospital on the crazy ward for 1month.It was a hard summer for me and my siblings.Now as an adult I wonder what happened to put her over the edge.

My birthday was last week,I guess I expected H to make a big deal about it being that last year he totally forgot it.I was disapointed I must say.He told me happy birthday sent me an ecard and we went to lunch which I paid for because he did not bring any money with him that does not really matter I guess after all we are married and share all money I guess it is just the thought.I know things are tight right now because of the strike but my gosh he could have done a little more with out spending money to make me feel special.Oh well I guess it could have been worse.

Hang in there Billi and keep posting sometimes having support from other people really helps.I know it has helped me through some really bad days.

Hi Billibones,, Im so so sorry to hear that you are not doing so well. Take these words ,, Stop doing so much for her, and do for yourself. You are the one that did no wrong, and yet you are the one suffering the consequences. You need to take care of yourself for a change and let her take care of herself. She needs to realize what this is doing to you, and if she loves you she will help you to get through it. Relationships are hard as it is , and when one strays away it is very hard to regain the trust and the respect we need and deserve. Please take care of yourself and remember that for right now you must be number one. I hope that the next time we hear from you, it will be that you are doing just a tiny bit better. May god bless you and give you the strength you need to be yourself.. Hurtin

HI ginger baby!! How are ya,, Yes its me finally i have returned. whewww,,, i finally got my password lol.. Anyway hun,, Im so so sorry that your birthday was not what you should have had. Men are so dumb sometimes, women also but in this case your H. hahahah. And yes your husband should have done more to make you feel special.. Darn girl I have known you for such a short time and I know how special you are.. The same goes for you... You need to do more for yourself and less for him.. Some may disagree with me, but I have learned that the more we do the less we recieve. Well in my case I can't really say that because my husband gives me lots.Star made me realize that my husband is trying to do for me in his way,, only what i want is his undivided attention. That may sound a bit harsh but I do. I feel that is the least he can do . I want the attention he gave his A. Is that wrong? Even though it was a one nite stand he still gave himself to her in a way that I will probably never get. That is hard to deal with , but My question is when , when will I let him into my heart again? I do love him very very much In the beginning I was not sure I did, I actually hated him, and there are times I still do. But im so afraid that I will get my heart broken again that it is damaging what we have right now. Well i got to get my head is hurtin good name huh hurtin-hart lol.. Take care hope to talk to you soon,,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Hurtin
I know just what you are saying and I deal with the same feeling,I feel like he gave her so much more than me.That she was worth changing his scheldule making sure he saved time to chat w/her.Plan times to meet online,phone calls and me I'm just the wife of 26yrs I dont need that attention anymore.That is how this has made me feel.The problem is at this stage in my life,the kids are almost all grown,it is just him and I most of the time,and I need to feel love,I need attention and alot of it.I do not think there is ANY thing wrong with us wanting that from our H's after all isn't that why we got married?

Hurtin I know how great you are,a joy to spend time with,I'm sure your H knows it to.I pray he will realize just what you need.

hi hurtin, hi ginger, Im still around, the comment that my wife made I tought I was the only one he was screwing ,silly me, has just been eating away at me, the doc put me on anti deppressants, Ive been on them for 2 weeks today, I started feeling better last weekend, but tue it started coming back, and since wed its been full blown, I dont know how much more I can take, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, I wish god would just take me, I'm so tired of it all

Billi
You do not sound good at all right now.Are you going to any councling??
You need to start posting more so that we can encourage you through these very difficult times.
Today is 11m post d-day for me and I am really down and thinking life sucks but I don't think I am ready to die yet.
Please tell us more of what is making you feel this way,I know it will help.We are here we care.Sometimes it feels like you are all alone but you are not we understand and know just what you are going through.
Please think about these things and post more often so we can help.

Take care Billi,and remember you are worth something.Don't give up.

Hi gang yes its me hurtinhart,,hehehe Billi I agree with Ginger. Please continue to come and post it does help even though you may thin otherwise right now,, I know for myself it was not untill i came in and vented that i started to feel better. Im not saying that every day is a bowl of cherries, but at least i can get by and not have to think about it constantly.. Certain occasions bring it up more for me, Tomorrow is our 19th wedding anniversary, last year i did not want anything to do with it. Last year it had only been 5 months this year i see things a little diffrently. I still have some bad feeling but i am trying to overcome them, for myself for my marriage. Ginger you have been a wonderful new person in my life. Thank you god for letting her into my life and helping me as much as she does. All the laughter she brings me is trully heaven sent.. Thanks Ginger or should i say Cybilllll ??? hahahaah,, Hope that made you laugh..Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Thats me crying.
Gee thanks Hurtin,and the laughter you have brought to me has been just what I needed.And yes you did make me laught. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Ginger,, im glad i made you laugh,, Yesterday was not a good day for me,, all those emotions are running through me again and I just can't keep them away,, I believe the long hours h is working have a whole lot to do with it.. Im alone all the time it seems, of course i have my children but h is not around much lately.. It is bringing back the memory I have of win I first found out last year. Hub was working lots last year around the same time, and it just sucks doesn't it? Well Im sorry i made you cry, was not my intention. I hope things are going good for you . Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Today is not good for me either.One year ago today H met OW in person.Today was the day he flew to her state and was with her.I can not get past the feelings I am having it feels just like d-day.It is so hard to believe he did what he did and that he is over it.How do they just get over it,and we still hurt so much inside.Today I wish I could tell OW how much she has ruined my life and me.I hate what this A has made of me.
You ask when can you love again,I wonder when will life be normal again??

Take care my friend I miss you.I havent seen you online much lately.

Hi ginger oh hun im so sorry i was not there for you today. I have been real busy cleaning the house for the holiday, and moving furniture etc, i have not been on too much . Only at late nite. I know Ginger it all seems so unfair, especially like you say how can they just seem to forget . Well hun I really don't think they do forget or have forgotten. I think they just want to move on, and believe me So do I and Im sure you do also, its just harder for us, harder because we never stopped loving them to the point of a A. My h says he never stopped loving me, but for a few minutes I believe he did. I believe he loves me today, but the hurt just wont go away for me either. May God help you to get over this day by day ginger. May God help all of us that are hurting so bad. Hurtinhart

Thanks.
I know that you are busy,I am too I have the grandkids again.God did see me through the day.Maybe not the way some would have liked me to get through it but I chose to stay distant from H.I did not talk to him and because of our schedule right now he is gone when I get home from work and I am sleeping when he gets home and he is sleeping when I leave.I don't like that but today it was good.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Take care Hurtin,you know I love ya.

hi hurtin, hi ginger, its me billibones, I'm really feelin down, a freind of mine, found out the hard way, that his wife was having an affair ,she had to tell him because she contracted an std, which she passed to him, little to say, he is divorcing her. I'm glad I did'nt find out this way or I would of divorced her imediatly, my wife admitted she had unprotected sex with other man, I asked her so what you use a rubber a couple of time and then well he must be ok hello your usind a rubber and even then u can still get aids rubbers are porous and can stop sperm, but the aids virus is smaller than sperm, and can get thru, this man is cheating on his wife with u, and probably others which since then I have proven to my wife. he likes using the best western ,he used with her, and I took her to a parking lot next door, where she could see him, she seen him go there with 3 different women, thats when she made the comment Ive seen enough and then made the comment I thought I was the only 1 he was screwing, silly me, I've been thinking alot about divorcing her, I dont believe anything she says, when she cries
I dont know if there real, or fake, she was able to lie so easy, and cry tring to make me believe it didnt happen,when it did, she didn't admit to it the whole time I was confronting her, liing and cring the whole time ,she didn't admit to it untill I told her the divorce papers where already done up, all they needed was my signiture, someone at my work said to my boss cause I said, I dont need to get drunk because I might do something I'd be sorry for, like going and killing other man, and she said or go screw someone else, and the other person said, dont give him bad ideas, hes a happily married man, and I said well you got the married part right but I havent been happy for awhile, she still has wendays alone, thanksgiving has come and gone, and I didnt feel I had much to be thankfull for except my 3 sons, and christmas is just around the corner, and I just can't get in the holiday mood ,normally by now I'd have the tree up, and decorated ,and lites galore up outside, but everythings still up in the attic, and I dont care, they can stay there as far as im concerned,I keep asking myself, why do I keep coming home, its because I love her, but I'm beginning to think that that is'nt enough, I've had people tell me to stay for the kids, but I know that is'nt enough I would'ntstay and be misserable just for the kids, the antidepressants the doc put me on seem to be working good, maybe to good, well I hope u 2 had a great thanksgiving, and I hope you have a great christmas, and a wonderfull new year. your freind billibones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />