Delete topic - Marriage Builders® Forums

[ October 13, 2003, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]

Well I don't support telling family members if the affair is over. The more you tell the harder it is for the wayward spouse to face people.

While I strongly recommend telling the OP's spouse regardless of whether the affair is ongoing or not, I am less sure about family for the reason I mentioned.

IMHO you should only tell family under the following circumstances:

1) Obviously if the affair hasn't ended then getting the family involved along with friends is a good way to further expose the affair and hopefully bring pressure on the WS to stop the affair.

2) If you need them to gather information usefull in determining some important of aspect of the affair.

3) You are being falsely percieved by the family or friends as the bad guy. Understand the wayward spouse will also show much of the depression, weight loss, and so on that you do. Some may actually assume that is you that is causing your wayward spouse so much pain.

I do not however support telling friends and family just because they want to know.

[ October 13, 2003, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]

I had a horrible sleep last night. The anxiety was terible. I'm glad I don't work today. Although I don't know what I will do today.

AM~
As hard as I imagine it was, to tell her sister, I really think you did the right thing. If your marriage is going to have any chance to survive, you have to eliminate the secrecy.

Stunned Dad
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> <hr /></blockquote>Well I don't support telling family members if the affair is over. The more you tell the harder it is for the wayward spouse to face people. <blockquote>quote:<hr /> <hr /></blockquote>Every affair that my x had, I found out about after it was over. Naively, I thought two things. I thought it would make it, as you suggested, harder for him "to face people" <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and two, I hoped that he would appreciate my discretion and that would form a loving bond between us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What, in reality it did, SD, was let him know his dirty secrets were safe with me and that he could repeat his behavior all over town for the 13 years we were married. Finally, when he found an ow he liked better (he didn't have to see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , he divorced me and married her.

Of course, he was very clever with this last(?) one. He kept her "clean." He didn't introduce her into polite society until I started dating. He swore, to me, that he was just "unhappy" and that there was nobody else. Not even his closest friend (who'd known about the others) knew about this one. IOW, he'd had 13 years to perfect his methods. He'd had 13 years to perfect lying, cheating, hiding, and cover-ups. He even "offered" to stay married to me for another year so that I could get "on my feet" (find a job).

You see, THEY weren't ready to be together yet. THEY needed to have ME working so that I could start paying "some" of the bills, so THEY could save money for a place of THEIR own. Thankfully, the first thing my attorney said (not knowing ANY of this was going on behind my back) was, "whatever you DO, DO NOT go out and get a job. You haven't worked in 10 years. If you get a job, the amount of alimony and child support the courts will award will be lessened. DO NOT make it financially easier on HIM to do this." Again, I had NO idea this woman existed...but, I think my attorney must have had some prior experience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> with cases like mine. So, on top of everything else, I kicked my x out of the house a good 11 months before he planned on going. It made a real mess out of his plans with the ow. They couldn't afford a place together because stbx had NO money. He had to go live with a friend's son, because the ow already had a paying roommate. Of course, I didn't KNOW any of this at the time. But, when he moved in with the friend's son (because it was rent free, paid by the friend), it lent a certain amount of credence to the idea that there wasn't anyone else. But I digress...

It was only several years ago,that I found out the truth (I caught him in a lie during an argument about one of the kids and many things became crystal clear in that instant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). By that time, we'd been divorced for almost 8 years and I'd been happily remarried for 7, so what would have been the point in telling anybody <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ? Besides, he's HER problem now.

But my point, SD is this...my x cheated, the first time, less than 2 months into the marriage (on a business trip). By protecting his nasty, dirty little secret, I allowed him to deal with the consequences (my hurt and anger) and it simply wasn't enough of a discomfort for him to keep from doing it again, and again, and again, and again.

It's been 27 years since he cheated on me the first time; over 13 since he cheated on me the last time. IF I had it to do all over again, I'd have told EVERYBODY whose name I could think of. Not to punish him; but to make him realize that when you do wrong, "it's hard to face people ". I'd like to hope that would have given him the wake-up call he needed.

For myself, I am thrilled to be rid of him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

[ October 13, 2003, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]

You handled it beatifully :')