My WH has completely cut ties w/ OW since the day after d-day (3/7), however, I am torn about letting OW's boyfriend know of the affair. Is it my place or should I butt out? The boyfriend was cheated on by her before and found out causing them to break up. But they got back together about 6-7 months ago, all the while she and my H were having an affair. I feel I could do him a favor by warning him and making the A known to him. At the same time, I'm not considering this for any type of vengeance. That is not what God wants us to do as betrayed partners. I Truly want to tell him for the sole purpose of preventing him future pain and heartbreak. Any thoughts?

M 7 yrs, together 12 yrs
WH 34
me, wife, BS 29
A from 5/03 to 2/04
d-day march 7, 2004
no children, A started when I wanted to start trying to conceive, no success(obviously for good reason!)

I want too tell the OM's wife badly, but I have trouble coming up with something too say. I dont want too make waves or hurt his wife which if i tell her she probably will be hurt.I dont know if they have kids but i think of them as well. I have wrestled with this myself and have come away with no good answers.

The kindest thing a BS can do is inform the spouse/partner of the OP so they can make a choice about their life, based on facts. Would you want to continue living a lie?

It is not vengful to tell the truth to another person,after all if it were you would you not want to know??

I did talk to OWH almost a yr after dday.We shared information that we had.I am sure that some of the things I told him hurt him.Some of the things I found out hurt me but not as much as the lies my H had told for that yr.I found out many things that my H told me were not true.One thing was her age,he told me she was older than she really was.The person who was the most angry about the contact between me and OWH was the OW,you see now her lies were uncovered.

If he does not know he has the right to.If you know how to get in contact with him than do.

Yes, great idea to tell OP/S. And you are not hte one hurting them...it was the actions of your S with the OP that will hurt them.

Words to say?

Introduce yourself,
tell them you are sorry to have to share bad news,
tell them what you know of the A,
(they may share what they know),
tell them what plans you and WS have made to repair M,
invite them to call anytime they think something fishy is going on.

Hi - my husband told OM's wife this week about our affair - it is almost 6 months DDAY. He didn't let me know until after he had done it, it was not vengance on his part, he felt she needed to know, he felt that once told it would help put closer to the whole thing. I truly felt sorry that I had put him into the position in the first place but I totally understand that she needed to know the truth - hope this helps, Sandy

It is necessary that the other spouse knows. You would not only expose the A and make it harder for it to continue, but you also do a favor to the other innocent person who would then have to make a decision.

1with God and Cliff,
When I discovered my W's A,in Winter of 2002 I knew it was an EA but wasn't sure about PA. Since most people don't undersatnd what an EA is (until it happens to them) I didn't call the OM's W. I was probably also somewhat fearful that if she threw him out my W would bale on me and run off with her "soul mate"

As time wore on in our first recovery (recovery from the knowledge of the EA) I started to feel guilty that I had never called this lady to let her know that she was married to a stranger who lied to her, kept secrets from her, and said sweet things to my W.

Based upon the proof I had I was 80-90% sure that a PA had also occurred but the W kept the denial up. Well after 18 months of so-so recovery that was occassionally marked with me having emotional reactions to the A based upon this knowledge my W finally admitted to the PA.

With this new info my guilt was overbearing. I called the OM's W and told her the truth. At first she didn't believe me. Had to call my W to finally believe it.

The bottom line is that she was so grateful to me for telling her about the A. She even told me that I should have called when I discovered the EA. My M had hints that it was off course. She said that she had absolutely no idea that her H was even slightly unhappy let alone ready to have an A.

I have spoken to her once recently and based upon what she said it sounds as though their recovery is progressing even better than ours. I think women are more forgiving than men, especially in the PA area. Sorry that's for another topic.

Tell the OP's spouse now! Don't wait!

My opinion based upon personal experience.

cwmac

O.K let me make this as clear as possible. TELL TELL TELL. This is my first time back on this board in almost 8 months. D-Day 6-16=03. When I came to this board last year seeking help everyone told me to tell OM's wife immediately. I wanted to badly but let my WW talk me out of it. She was best friends with her lovers wife. Anyway I didn't tell until Sept. The only reason I told was his wife called looking for my wife and I happened to ask what her husband was doing that weekend. He was on a fishing trip less than an hour from where my W was visiting her sister. Last minute trip- left the kids at her parents so she could "spend time with her sister". Get my drift. I spilled the beans, she checked phone records and he and my W talked basicaly everyday during our "recovery". Point is TELL TELL Tell