patience is a virtue? - 04/01/04 02:29 PM
Hello...I am hoping for more advice on keeping quiet, even tho my suspicions are making it very hard. I feel that my H is having an affair, maybe EA, I do not know. After reading some of the postings on this site, I am even more sure of it.
I have already learned that confronting him on everything I find, is not the answer. But, I need some more help with coping in the meantime. I feel that if I give him enough space, he will eventually use it up, and the real cause of our current problems will come to light.
He started a new job last April, that is a total change from anything he has done before. He sells timeshares for a large resort. HE loves his job, and is good at it, but it seems to have created an atmosphere that is not at all good for a healthy marriage.
Too much time away from family, toom much unaccounted for time, and opportunities for socializing that he did not rally have with his previous job. This job has also caused major financial problems, since he is on commision only. Sometimes, he gets a really good paycheck, and sometimes there isn't one at all.
As a result, our house was in forclosure ( his parents got him out of that immediate danger). Our finances have always been separate, which I did not find to be a problem before this happened( the house payment was his responsibility, and we have other bills etc. divided) NOe, I know it is a problem. He has kept many money secrets from me, some of which were small loans that he took out to cover his lack of a paycheck when there were no sales. Also, rather large and lengthly cellphone bills. I had to ask him for his password to access this bill. It contained many,many calls to female coworkers, 2 in particularly. One of them married, the other not.
Of course, he says they were business realated, hardly so, at the hours some of these were made.
Also, he lied to me when I had reason to believe that he went to a gambling casino. I kept searching for more cluses, and found that he had indeed been there. Of course, when confronted with the new evidence, he said he went alon, nad only one time.
Also, there have been evenings when he has come home smelling very much of alcohol. Never [a problem till now. He denies that he has had any drinks, until it becomes obvious that he can deny no more, and then he says he only had one. Hardly does one beer leave on odor on someone after they have left the room and gone down the hall...does it?
I am looking for more clues to help me out here. He has gone to a psychologist for depression, at the request of our doctor, and is taking an anti-depressant. Sometimes he takes it like he should, and sometimes he doesn't. This all came about as a reslult of the foreclosure scare in Nov.
I have never been in such a situation in my life, and it is soooo hard to know what in the world I should do. But, I have already seen that he is in no way rational, and I can not reason with him.
So, I am trying to kkep quiet about the new things I have found that keep this mystery in high gear.
Just wanted to get some advice from anyone who can relate, and give me some good patience boosters.
me 46
H 47
d (stepdaughter) 16
d (ours) 6
M 9 yrs in May
I have already learned that confronting him on everything I find, is not the answer. But, I need some more help with coping in the meantime. I feel that if I give him enough space, he will eventually use it up, and the real cause of our current problems will come to light.
He started a new job last April, that is a total change from anything he has done before. He sells timeshares for a large resort. HE loves his job, and is good at it, but it seems to have created an atmosphere that is not at all good for a healthy marriage.
Too much time away from family, toom much unaccounted for time, and opportunities for socializing that he did not rally have with his previous job. This job has also caused major financial problems, since he is on commision only. Sometimes, he gets a really good paycheck, and sometimes there isn't one at all.
As a result, our house was in forclosure ( his parents got him out of that immediate danger). Our finances have always been separate, which I did not find to be a problem before this happened( the house payment was his responsibility, and we have other bills etc. divided) NOe, I know it is a problem. He has kept many money secrets from me, some of which were small loans that he took out to cover his lack of a paycheck when there were no sales. Also, rather large and lengthly cellphone bills. I had to ask him for his password to access this bill. It contained many,many calls to female coworkers, 2 in particularly. One of them married, the other not.
Of course, he says they were business realated, hardly so, at the hours some of these were made.
Also, he lied to me when I had reason to believe that he went to a gambling casino. I kept searching for more cluses, and found that he had indeed been there. Of course, when confronted with the new evidence, he said he went alon, nad only one time.
Also, there have been evenings when he has come home smelling very much of alcohol. Never [a problem till now. He denies that he has had any drinks, until it becomes obvious that he can deny no more, and then he says he only had one. Hardly does one beer leave on odor on someone after they have left the room and gone down the hall...does it?
I am looking for more clues to help me out here. He has gone to a psychologist for depression, at the request of our doctor, and is taking an anti-depressant. Sometimes he takes it like he should, and sometimes he doesn't. This all came about as a reslult of the foreclosure scare in Nov.
I have never been in such a situation in my life, and it is soooo hard to know what in the world I should do. But, I have already seen that he is in no way rational, and I can not reason with him.
So, I am trying to kkep quiet about the new things I have found that keep this mystery in high gear.
Just wanted to get some advice from anyone who can relate, and give me some good patience boosters.
me 46
H 47
d (stepdaughter) 16
d (ours) 6
M 9 yrs in May