My wife of 20 years had an affair with her best friend’s husband. I found out about 2 weeks ago. I’m 50, my wife is 51. She was previously married, I was a first timer at 30 years of age. She bought 2 kids into the marriage who are now 33 and 30, and we had one of our own, now 18. We lived many happy years together, but right now, its all gone.

In the pit of my stomach, I always had a feeling her lover boy was a sneaky tell you a joke, slap you on the backer by day, but a slimy backstabbing opportunist in the dark. I never really liked him. He told me once about a year ago, at a BBQ party at his house, he had cheated on his own wife before and they almost got a divorce. He was able to get her to take him back. I had been suspicious of my wife and him for some time (about the last 3-4 months), but had no real proof, except for their constant chumming around at social events. Oh yes, I also noticed the cell phone trail and a credit card bill. Many calls to lover boy and some dinners?? In the last 2 months, she would often ignore me at social functions and hang by his side. I stood their puzzled. I also noticed her loving making was without passion, and she criticized me with increasing frequency. I had asked if something was going on, in private, and she denied it. Well I found out via a 3rd party who my wife confided in, and she finally admitted it to me when this same 3rd party informed our older kids. The great deception had finally cracked.

At first, in a fit of anger, I told her I wanted to end our marriage immediately, I asked if lover boy and her planned to move in together. She said she had no plans to do so. After some reflection, and realizing this may be a short term fling with a silver tongued devil, which I can forgive and forget, I decided to try and save the marriage and I came across this site using a google search. After reviewing the web site, and the approaches used herein, I approached my wife and asked her to stop seeing her lover and go into counseling with me. Lets save our marriage I suggested. She immediately refused, telling me she needs more time to think things through, about 8 weeks in fact. As we talked over things she expressed her great frustration with me and my inability to met her emotional needs; that in the end I WAS TO BLAME FOR HER HAVING AN AFFAIR, I told her I admit to contributing to problems in our marriage and in that regard I am sorry and would like to make amends, but whatever things I did in neglecting her, it did not justify her having an affair. The source issue with our relationship is this - I’m an introvert and more intellectually oriented, I like the quiet home life, and she is the extrovert, she likes the party life, and has zero intellectual pursuits. She can’t even sit down and even read a book, sometimes I think she may have ADD like my son. Now that the kids are gone and longer able to entertain her, she looks to me as a source of energy, and I can’t provide it. Frankly she is bored with a fuddy duddy like me. I can she why she likes him; he is an outgoing party boy himself. They gravitate together and feed on each’s other hyperactivity.

Anyway, during our discussion, I expressed my resentment of the violation of trust and commitment we had; and I wondered out loud, how can I trust you again, and in many regards I feel the same such in her ability to understand my needs in the relationship. Yet, I felt that if we could go through consuling and start a healing process we could once again get back to once we where belonged – in love again and instead of focusing on our introvert/extrovert differences use those differences to make each of our lifes fuller.

Since she refused my offer of reconciliation, I responded that I consider us separated, and yet if she changes her mind to let me know. We agree to met weekly for an hour talk and pulse each other out. Yet, I also told here, that after this period is over, that if she decides not to take me up on my offer, I plan to file for divorce.

We live in a huge house, our kids are grown, our rooms are at opposite ends; our communication is civil in all regards. We never fought or had words. A couple of nights ago we watched survivor together. I think I’m being voted off the show, by my wife, who is running into the arms of her new sliver tongued devilish alliance lover, and she is just pending time with me to relieve her sense of shame and guilt and prepare for the ultimate exit. I’ve consoled with some trusted others of my problems and the actions I plan to take and gotten some good feedback. My buddy who has gone through a divorce himself – said I had a proper plan, but thinks I should start the filing right away and protect myself financially with a stake in the ground. For all you know he says, she could be buying lover boy a new boat, and sticking you with the bill. He also told me it was right to admit some guilt, but never forget YOUR WIFE CHEATED ON YOU and has yet to ASK FOR FORGIVENESS. Don’t be a sucker any much longer. Plenty of women who are more like you are available, but in the end I’ll probably be more attracted to the opposite outgoing type.

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone.

Any other suggestions?

Listen to your friend. He is giving you good advice.

Welcome to marriage builders. It is a great place to be considering the circumstances.

Please read in this forum, under the thread "General Welcome for All New Builders". You can start in Plan A. Read all about it.

Your WW is just like all of them. They all think they are original, but act and talk exactly alike. I have a lot of hope for your marriage. Stick with us and we will help you get through this.

Hello,

I think your situation is intolerable. She stays in the house and is still having sex with lover boy? Is he still married. If yes, you must inform his wife immediately. I agree you should contact your lawyer to understand your options and protect yourself financially. Your friend made very valid points. I wish you luck.

Well, while I agree your friend made valid points, they are fairly judgemental points. Are you your wife's judge and jury? Her father? Her keeper?

I think you should go to an attorney to protect yourself financially, because WS (wayward spouses) are not thinking clearly in the fog. Your wife is in the fog. She has become addicted to how this silver-tongued devil (very descriptive!) makes her feel. She is having physiological changes happen in her body - she is not herself.

She probably believes everything she is saying to you and to the OM (other man). However, as you would with an addict, you have to take the higher ground. You are capable of educating yourself about A's (affairs), and why/how they happen, and what they are. This A is not about you, or the OM, or your M (marriage) - it is about her.

Along with reading this site as Believer said, there are lots of other books to read. Dr. Harley's books are excellent, referenced on this site - Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, among others.

Other good books are Torn Assunder, NOT Just Friends, After the Affair, Love Must Be Tough. I felt that when I educated myself about the situation that I had been thrust into, a situation that defied all reason and logic (the Twilight Zone, as you say - very apt, indeed!), I felt more grounded and prepared.

As Believer said, all WS follow a script. The more you read here, you will see the patterns. It is eerie. "I never loved you. I married my best friend. We married too young. I married you for all the wrong reasons. I finally found my soul mate. I have found my true love."

Good grief. We have heard them all. There are even some threads around here where we have all made fun of the crazy things we have been told.

My FWH (former wayward husband) said all of these things to me and more, and he is home again, loving me again, and we are in recovery. Something that seemed impossible for many reasons, and now it has happened.

I think you are too early in the game to be following anybody's advice that has finalizing actions attached. Give her and yourself some time. Read and learn. Be patient. Keep posting. Understand what exactly you are dealing with, before you throw in the towel.

I know your ego says that it is intolerable to be treated the way she is treating you. And it is. HOWEVER, she is not herself. She is not the woman you know. She is foggy. As some here say, she has been abducted by an alien, and they are inhabiting her mind body and doing strange things.

Take your time. Don't rush. All those years of M, you can spare some time to make rash decisions.

Lots of love and support.

SS

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate your thoughts. I'm an introvert, but I'm also known as a man of action and determination, having made up my mind about something I go at it tooth and nail at it until success is reached. I'm willing to do that with my marriage, I remain committed, but with that it is difficult to open your hand and get it bit off with a "no thanks, I'll think about it, maybe in 8 weeks I'll know better" meanwhile the affair goes on, and I can't dance alone in this life, while she smooths everything over with the kids who are in shock attempting to reconcile with them but NOT with me. For all I know her and lover boy are making secret preparations to conduct their lifes together. I don't know the truth. I'm sticking with my plan, 8 weeks and if there is no offer to reconcile with me I will file, and we shall divide up the assets, and be done with it. During this period, I'm not being negative or critical in any regard either, only to continue showing I have a willingness to work on our marriage and get into a program. In my gut, I feel in all likelyhood she'll tell me she is moving out first to live with loverboy. I will let you know if anything changes and thanks for your comments.

As long as you are pursuing her to reconcile and not in Plan B and/or filing for divorce you are sending her the message that she can continue her affair and that she can always come back to the marriage if the affair ends. The point is that she sees no consequences for her to end the affair.

ST,

I think as long as you are going to give it 8 weeks make them productive. Do Plan A on her, I mean a really good plan A. You will find that if you do when and if you decide to D you will feel much better knowing you have done all you could. Further, you will be planting seeds in her mind about you and who you really are, and it is NOT a wimp. Plan A is NOT for wimps. IT is hard to do, but it does have some effect. If you go the 8 weeks and nothing happens go to plan B and have her move out.

Meanwhile if the A continues let her parents know of the A and ask for their help in ending it. If this guy is a co-worker, let her boss know about the A. Make darned sure that OM's W knows about the A and don't believe the stuff about him telling her. Expose the A to daylight, meanwhile Plan A her.

You may not realize this but she is in the "fog" and when and if she stops seeing this guy she will go into withdrawal, which is very much like a drug withdrawal. She will be depressed, she will withdraw from you, she will think constantly of OM, but if she maintaines No Contact she will come out of it.

You are very very early in this game. Don't make any rash decisions right now. You are not in the proper mindset, and what you need to remember is the MOST A's end. Some sooner than others.

Have some patience now, use Plan A, prepare to go to plan B, and realize she hasn't a clue what she is doing right now, that is why we call it the "fog". Reality is NOT a big player in this yet.

This is tough stuff ST, but you can do it. Don't worry you will get your chance to make a decision further, if you do a good plan A, you will find your decisions easier to make. Give it your best and hang on to the rollercoaster.

I do hope that your children are supportive of your efforts. I also hope that they are aware of what is going on. They need to be.

God Bless,

JL

ST:

You've gotten some good advice here (Just Learning, Spider Slayer), and you've gotten some pretty poor advice (Bryanp and yosh---they're good at predictibly bad advice).

At this point, I would suggest that you strongly consider good marriage counseling with a pro-marriage counselor. If you're read the website here and are comfortable with the concepts here, I'd suggest that you try the phone counseling at MB (888-639-1639 for appointments) with Steve or Jenn Harley. Alternatively, Penny and the crew over at SYMC also use MB techniques---they specialize in infidelity and would be a good choice as well.

Plan A and B (or intervention phase and protection phase in SYMC terms) are excellent choices right now. These don't preclude you taking legal action, if you feel that it's necessary. However, expect a divorce to cost you "half" and then legal fees on top of it---saving your marriage is a more economical alternative. Get with someone skilled in dealing with infidelity and let them help you set up a plan to deal with this affair.