Plan A underway; WS insisting on divorce - 09/21/08 04:06 PM
Greetings:
This is going to be long - sorry - try to do quickly. I'm a newbie here. Married 6 1/2 years, second marriage for both of us. H is alcoholic previously in recovery who began drinking again off and on last summer and refused to go into treatment. I've traveled 2-3X/month for past 2 years for business and did not focus on marriage enough (at all; put it on autopilot with some exceptions; also felt increasingly distanced by drinking and then later by affair (although I didn't know about the latter) - efforts to get together or be intimate seemed to fall flat. To top it all off, I was suffering from depression for a good bit of the past 18 months (on antidepressants since April; they're working well - but our sex life was extremely rare during that time - improved alot in June and July, prior to and a bit after DDay.) Our agreed-upon plan was for travel to end Jan. 09. Company positioned for huge increase in revenue beginning this Nov. (all part of the plan).
Lonely H began drinking more last Fall - started EA w/co-worker in Nov last year, became PA in January, OWS called me in July. WS agreed to marriage counseling but terminated after 4 sessions admitting he had not followed through on NC. Told me he wants a divorce on Sept. 1. At the same time, we took emergency custody of our 20-month old grandchild in late July, which I agreed to do despite everything going on for the sake of the baby. Still doing that. I understand all that made him vulnerable to the affair and have accepted responsibility for that with him and in front of a therapist.
I cried for first 8 weeks - little sleep, weight loss, etc. Did the usual - promised to change (and worked with all my clients to reduce travel demands - which were already tapering down per plan), pleaded, cried more, anger, emotional rollercoaster, behavioral changes, etc. Asked him to file for divorce, then saw an attorney myself and recanted, saying I would file - have since recanted on that, too. I'm sure that all of my indecision/changing decisions have pushed him further away - understandably.
Righted myself emotionally after beginning 12 Step program 3 weeks ago. Found Marriage Builders at about the same time and started reading the books and this forum. Have had Plan A underway for about 2 1/2 weeks. I have since taken divorce and moving off the table in a letter where I explained that I remain committed to the marriage both out of love for the family and on principle. I told him I was going to wait an indeterminate time before doing anything. I also asked him to stop seeing OW. His response was "I'm not going to change my mind" after which he pressed me for a date when I would pack up my car and leave. (I indicated that I was taking one day at a time, was not ready to leave the marriage (and have put my wedding rings back on after not wearing them for 2 weeks) and that I'd let him know when/if I change my mind.
My husband continues to withdraw. I've done pretty well with Plan A with one notable exception this past weekend, when I found out he had used the company cell phone (provided to him as a board member but paid for by me) to conduct his affair - not just used but abused the phone privilege - I sent him a coldly worded email advising him that he would be billed for those month and lecturing him on ethics. I regretted it two hours later. Last night he attacked me over the phone for having gone into his checking account to e-transfer money to one daughter, who had emailed telling me she had no money for gas - he is away on biz travel and I had assumed she couldn't reach him. I responded in an email where I calmly said I understood and would honor the boundary and explaining the circumstances.
I have several things in the Plan A plan - working on the house, which has been an important emotional need of his, giving him a professional photo collage (that has been in work) relating to his best friend, now deceased, listening, inviting him to share and supporting when he does engage in conversation, continuing to be pleasant and upbeat, and also doing more of my own thing. I have an appointment to speak w/Steve H. next Monday. Also, I am continuing to assume the majority of the workshare of raising the granddaughter, although he has become much more involved in the past 3 weeks.
Husband continues to "suggest" (and definitely assumes) that I leave the home and go to live near business (in another state) with a friend who has been my roomate while I am on travel. Says I can get my furniture (about 70% of what is in the house) once divorce goes through. I have no ability to get an apartment on my own, and the house is in both our names so am disinclined to leave at this time, despite having said that I would for the first 8 weeks after DDay.
WS is still seeing OW (of course) - both at work and after work. He told his 4 children (all between 20 and 26) that he wanted a divorce but did not tell them why. Turns out that he had brought OW to the house for dinner several times during the summer with 2 of the 4 children and they had figured it out. The two girls are very upset and disappointed with him; one has told him so. One of them told me 2 weeks ago and so I disclosd to the rest. He called his parents to disclose; they are very angry and disappointed and have told him so (although not very constructively). My parents are not in the picture. He expressed concern and pain 2 weeks ago that he had hurt so many people "who will love me now?" - but since then has hardened his position.
I disclosed to her boss at work and others have disclosed to his, but there is no company policy prohibiting the behavior. He has very few friends so difficult to widen the disclosure circle. Obviously, her spouse knew because he called me.
Here's the question. I understand that both Plan A and B are really more about me - changes that are healthy and necessary. I also understand Plan A is designed to leave WS with good memories/perceptions so that if/when it fails, Plan B is so much more a contrast to the previous nature of the relationship.
But if WS continues to withdraw and put up walls, won't really talk about anything meaningful (although he does still talk about work, which I listen to and am warmly supportive of), isn't he in effect reducing the possible impact of Plan A with more and more distance? I suspectI need a good 2-3 months of Plan A to overcome all of my indecision/emotionality etc. - but this would include the holidays and I can't imagine how to do that...
I realize every case is a little different - although most of them seem alot alike ;-) - are there vets out there with any sense of how long Plan A should go on under these circumstances? It is also complicated by the fact that when I do leave for Plan B, I'll be going to another state (don't worry, attorney will be in the loop to protect rights). Right now I'm thinking of keeping Plan A going for another 6-7 weeks - will talk with S. Harvey to nail down details but just curious about your impressions - thanks much, and thanks for reading such a long post.
This is going to be long - sorry - try to do quickly. I'm a newbie here. Married 6 1/2 years, second marriage for both of us. H is alcoholic previously in recovery who began drinking again off and on last summer and refused to go into treatment. I've traveled 2-3X/month for past 2 years for business and did not focus on marriage enough (at all; put it on autopilot with some exceptions; also felt increasingly distanced by drinking and then later by affair (although I didn't know about the latter) - efforts to get together or be intimate seemed to fall flat. To top it all off, I was suffering from depression for a good bit of the past 18 months (on antidepressants since April; they're working well - but our sex life was extremely rare during that time - improved alot in June and July, prior to and a bit after DDay.) Our agreed-upon plan was for travel to end Jan. 09. Company positioned for huge increase in revenue beginning this Nov. (all part of the plan).
Lonely H began drinking more last Fall - started EA w/co-worker in Nov last year, became PA in January, OWS called me in July. WS agreed to marriage counseling but terminated after 4 sessions admitting he had not followed through on NC. Told me he wants a divorce on Sept. 1. At the same time, we took emergency custody of our 20-month old grandchild in late July, which I agreed to do despite everything going on for the sake of the baby. Still doing that. I understand all that made him vulnerable to the affair and have accepted responsibility for that with him and in front of a therapist.
I cried for first 8 weeks - little sleep, weight loss, etc. Did the usual - promised to change (and worked with all my clients to reduce travel demands - which were already tapering down per plan), pleaded, cried more, anger, emotional rollercoaster, behavioral changes, etc. Asked him to file for divorce, then saw an attorney myself and recanted, saying I would file - have since recanted on that, too. I'm sure that all of my indecision/changing decisions have pushed him further away - understandably.
Righted myself emotionally after beginning 12 Step program 3 weeks ago. Found Marriage Builders at about the same time and started reading the books and this forum. Have had Plan A underway for about 2 1/2 weeks. I have since taken divorce and moving off the table in a letter where I explained that I remain committed to the marriage both out of love for the family and on principle. I told him I was going to wait an indeterminate time before doing anything. I also asked him to stop seeing OW. His response was "I'm not going to change my mind" after which he pressed me for a date when I would pack up my car and leave. (I indicated that I was taking one day at a time, was not ready to leave the marriage (and have put my wedding rings back on after not wearing them for 2 weeks) and that I'd let him know when/if I change my mind.
My husband continues to withdraw. I've done pretty well with Plan A with one notable exception this past weekend, when I found out he had used the company cell phone (provided to him as a board member but paid for by me) to conduct his affair - not just used but abused the phone privilege - I sent him a coldly worded email advising him that he would be billed for those month and lecturing him on ethics. I regretted it two hours later. Last night he attacked me over the phone for having gone into his checking account to e-transfer money to one daughter, who had emailed telling me she had no money for gas - he is away on biz travel and I had assumed she couldn't reach him. I responded in an email where I calmly said I understood and would honor the boundary and explaining the circumstances.
I have several things in the Plan A plan - working on the house, which has been an important emotional need of his, giving him a professional photo collage (that has been in work) relating to his best friend, now deceased, listening, inviting him to share and supporting when he does engage in conversation, continuing to be pleasant and upbeat, and also doing more of my own thing. I have an appointment to speak w/Steve H. next Monday. Also, I am continuing to assume the majority of the workshare of raising the granddaughter, although he has become much more involved in the past 3 weeks.
Husband continues to "suggest" (and definitely assumes) that I leave the home and go to live near business (in another state) with a friend who has been my roomate while I am on travel. Says I can get my furniture (about 70% of what is in the house) once divorce goes through. I have no ability to get an apartment on my own, and the house is in both our names so am disinclined to leave at this time, despite having said that I would for the first 8 weeks after DDay.
WS is still seeing OW (of course) - both at work and after work. He told his 4 children (all between 20 and 26) that he wanted a divorce but did not tell them why. Turns out that he had brought OW to the house for dinner several times during the summer with 2 of the 4 children and they had figured it out. The two girls are very upset and disappointed with him; one has told him so. One of them told me 2 weeks ago and so I disclosd to the rest. He called his parents to disclose; they are very angry and disappointed and have told him so (although not very constructively). My parents are not in the picture. He expressed concern and pain 2 weeks ago that he had hurt so many people "who will love me now?" - but since then has hardened his position.
I disclosed to her boss at work and others have disclosed to his, but there is no company policy prohibiting the behavior. He has very few friends so difficult to widen the disclosure circle. Obviously, her spouse knew because he called me.
Here's the question. I understand that both Plan A and B are really more about me - changes that are healthy and necessary. I also understand Plan A is designed to leave WS with good memories/perceptions so that if/when it fails, Plan B is so much more a contrast to the previous nature of the relationship.
But if WS continues to withdraw and put up walls, won't really talk about anything meaningful (although he does still talk about work, which I listen to and am warmly supportive of), isn't he in effect reducing the possible impact of Plan A with more and more distance? I suspectI need a good 2-3 months of Plan A to overcome all of my indecision/emotionality etc. - but this would include the holidays and I can't imagine how to do that...
I realize every case is a little different - although most of them seem alot alike ;-) - are there vets out there with any sense of how long Plan A should go on under these circumstances? It is also complicated by the fact that when I do leave for Plan B, I'll be going to another state (don't worry, attorney will be in the loop to protect rights). Right now I'm thinking of keeping Plan A going for another 6-7 weeks - will talk with S. Harvey to nail down details but just curious about your impressions - thanks much, and thanks for reading such a long post.