Hello,

This is my first post . I have been reading so many different issues and it makes me feel that Marriage is not an easy thing. I have been with my husband for 4yrs. He has this nightly addiction which is to view naked pictures at nite while I'm sleeping. He then tries to hide it on the computer somewhere like if Im computer illiterate. This bothers me. I just wish he would stop viewing the pictures and would delete them. I know this sounds kind of ignorant or selfish on my behalf but I really feel uncomfortable since I was raped/sexually abused from 3 to 15yrs old. This is not easy for me. I'm even surprise I got married and have a child. I thought I would never get married.
I'm curious to know if anyone has been in the same situation......... does anyone think i'm being selfish? Should it be ok for my husband to view naked pictures on line. Is this a sickness he has???????? Can anyone please give me some feedback....

I don't think it selfish of you, it is just how you feel. I can't say that I blame you either, I would be upset about it too.

candy123, welcome to MB. Take a look at the "found stash...now what" topic in Emotional Needs. There's a lot of good information there.

No, it is absolutely not selfish of you. Your husband made a vow before God when he married you. He now has the job of guarding his heart against anything that would drive you apart. If this bothers you, then he should stop. If he can't stop, he should get help. Most churches have support groups for men for this very thing because we live in a society that bombards men with sexual temptations every time they turn around.

I don't think you're being selfish.

I've been in the same boat. I've found porn on our computer many times over the years and wondered if I too, was maybe being silly or insecure.

There was a time where I would get very angry about it. We'd have major arguements. He would be upset I was "snooping" and I was upset of course that he was being aroused on a regular basis to all sorts of images and videos he was finding online.

After a while, I gave up. I even tried to be understanding about it. I felt like before I had made him out to be a pervert and put him on the defense. I know that lots of men do look at porn, so I tried to make myself okay with it. It never happened though. Everytime I found it, I still got upset. And even worse, since I appeared to be okay with it, he began doing it even MORE! Our sexual relationship only got worse and worse. He began coming to me less often for sex, and when we did make love, it was not affectionate or like it was. I could tell he was having a hard time, and that he had become so accustomed to masturbating to porn that it was hindering our sexual relationship and affecting our marriage overall, because I began feeling inadequate and resentful.

A month ago, after finding marriage builders, and reading a couple of Dr. Harley's books I broached him about the porn issue (and a few others) I told him how it made me feel, and that I would like for him to stop. I did it very nicely, I didn't get angry, I didn't make demands.

It actually seems to have worked. I do still "snoop" to see if he has been looking, and he hasn't, for a month now, which is extremely good. He was looking at it everyday prior.

Sorry for the long response. But I just wanted to share my experience and insight on this. Again, you're not being selfish. You have every right to be upset by this. I don't think pornography is always bad, but I do know it can cause big issues in a relationship depending on the man looking at it. Some guys look infrequently, it never becomes a problem. Others like my husband, have big problems with it and it becomes an addiciton.

Hi Candy! My name is SoonerGirl. You might want to check out the thread that I started in Emotional Needs on this very same subject (Hysterical Outburst Re; Porn) There has been a lot of very good info posted there as well. For the record you are not being selfish and it can harm your M just as Gillajn has said. Sad as it is there are many of us in this same sitaution. Good luck!

You are NOT selfish, your husband should respect your feelings. If you were following the Marriage Builder principles you would have a policy of joint agreement where you would talk about this and come to a mutual decision between the two of you. As to whether it's a sickness, depending on the depth and extremes he is using to hide what he is doing, he could have a sex addiction. Sex addictions are about emotional problems. The fact you said, "I'm even surprise I got married and have a child.", could indicate there may be something going on in your marriage even that could be causing your husband emotional stress or problems. Maybe he has turned to porn as a way of coping.

I would have to ask the question, can there be two people with two sets of issues? One you have a past issue with abuse which I am sure affects your intimacy and relationship. Two your husband is also having an intimacy problem in that instead of communicating his feelings he is acting out with porn as a coping mechanism.