Hi all. Recovery of 6 months going well. FWH loveing, attentive,etc. But, I am plagued by the past. Right after d-day of the LTA, he confessed to 3 other brief As (1 or 2 nights with the sluts). I know the circumstances of one - he developed a close friendship with her, one thing led to another, yada, yada, yada. But, the other 2 I know nothing about. I am obsessed with thoughts of how they met, how many times, were they friends first, etc. He did tell me when he confessed that they were together only "once or twice", and he felt remorseful afterwards and didnt want a LTA. I am forgiving him for these - our marriage stunk in those days, and he is now still extremely remorseful.

I feel like I can't move past this into full recovery without knowing the circumstances. So, my question is should I ask him, or just assume that over time the curiosity will weaken and I won't be thinking about it all the time. I really don't want to blow recovery. BTW - I don't want details of the kind of sex, etc., just how well he knew them first, and how he met them. This seems to plague me the most.

My experience has been that knowing is better than ignorance. You need to know the conditions that led to the affairs in order to change them.

CV

1. You answered your question yourself.

2. Dont assume this because between now and when you stop thinking and visioning him with her, you'll be miserable.

3. This is critical to recovery. Also, the uncomfortable-ness of him telling you stuff is about as good as it gets for you, by the way.

4. This is up to each of us to decide what we want to know. Some, like me, want every blow for blow (sorry, too easy) and others want know about 'I loves you's' and walks on the beach.

Bottom line is get all you need to know out of the way and then it should start to fade from everyday thoughts.

Like the others are saying. You need closure to put this behind you. Ask him what you need to ask and it will be hard to hear what he has to say. Afterwards you can both never talk about or think about it again.

One possibility would be for both of you to fill out the personal history questionnaire (in the tab at the top of the page) and then discuss them. My H and I have been married for nearly 30 years. After we started the MB program, we both filled out the questionnaires. We didn't have any big surprises, but it was interesting to see each of our perspectives on our histories. It might be easier to answer the questionnaire and then talk about it than to sit down and talk about this one topic. Just a thought.


AM

Loveoflife:

There's a post on this site somewhere that talks about the WS's affair being a puzzle and the WS can put it together easily because he or she has all the pieces. The BS sees only the pieces the WS has shown him or her. Their picture is incomplete, and it's human nature to want to fill in the gaps.

Your WS owes you the details. Transparency is one of the huge keys to success in MB. But ... consider how much detail you want to know. Depending on how much you learn, it may take longer to push those details out of your memory, too.

Cheers,
SP

Here's the post SweetPea is referring to:

Joseph's Letter

Thanks LongWay!

Thanks for all the advise. I am going to ask my questions, even though I know he won't like it! I am considering doing it in an e-mail. This has worked well in the past for us. I seem to get my thoughts in order much easier this way, and his answers are usually more thorough. Need to think about it some more. Love the letter, and may use a few lines in my e-mail because it was spot on what I am think. Hope that is o.k.!!

Why do I feel so bad and guilty? I sent the e-mail last night. My FWH is out of town on business. Got a response this morning saying he was very dismayed and upset. He thought our recovery was going so well, and I am not suppose to bring up the past. He doesn't understand why I am "obsessing" about ancient history. I told him that I am not "obsessing" but just need to know information. He did not initially confess to these "ancient History" As, so I always felt like I was not getting 100% disclosure. I told him trickle truths hurt worse than knowing the whole truth, and assured him I too thought recovery was going well. Is such a setback worth knowing a few details?

So why do I feel like the bad guy here? I am very upset. He doesn't want to talk to me on the phone right now, and will perhaps answer my e-mail tonight. Recovery was going so well....

Dr. Harley advises betrayed spouses to get ALL the information they need/want regarding the adultery and then never bring it up again. Your H wants to sweep it under the rug. If you want the details, you are entitled to get them before moving on with recovery. You need to know what it is you are recovering from.

Your guilt is misplaced. Your H should be doing all he can to rebuild and telling you the truth is the first step, even if it pains him to have to reveal it all to you.

Is this what is triggering you? How often is he out of town?

It sounds like you are dealing with a present problem, not a past problem. Did you ask these questions earlier and he refused to answer them? Or did they only come up now in the present? If so, consider focusing on your present problem: one of the rules for recovery is being violated: no overnights apart. The rules all have to be followed, because recovery is a very narrow path. It is likely that even if you agree to it, overnights apart are going to put you in a bad emotional state. In that bad emotional state, you feel like bringing up the past again.

Now, if you asked these questions at first and he refused to answer, then I think you should press to have them answered. But Dr. Harley says at some point you have to draw a line and call the issue closed and put it in the past. The only additional information you should be seeking is information that is practical about how to prevent a recurrence of the affair. And that is a moot point right now, because in order to prevent a recurrence of the affair, you need to follow the rules about no overnights apart.

Going out of town can trigger me a bit, but this particular issue has been on my mind for weeks. He thinks it's all because he is out of town. I just could never find the right time to talk about it because when we are together, things go very well and I never want to spoil, it. I did ask the questions a few times early in our recovery, and he gave vague answers. I explained to him that this is why I am asking them now and still thinking about it. I promised to him that once the questions are answered I will not bring it up again.

I know very well about Dr. Harley's no nights apart rule. It's not a regular part of his job - just sparodic. I go with him when I can, but right now it's not possible. I don't believe we CAN'T recover if he travels, and I don't believe travel automatically equals affairs.

This is the bad thing about trickle truth. It just keeps coming up and is impossible to put to rest until the questions are satisified. My H trickle truthed me for about a year and it was hell. But once I had the full truth, we were able to pull it together.

I can tell you from my own personal experience that whenever I start wondering about the past, there is always some problem in the present going on. It is unproductive to talk about the past, and it is miserable for everybody concerned.

Again, discount what I am saying if he has been withholding information all along. But if he came clean and the two of you agreed that everything was talked out and done with, I think you are dealing with an emotional state brought on by the present circumstance.

I agree with this that constant bringing up of the past is unproductive and even destructive. But, these questions were never answered, and we never had the discussion or agreement that "all questions are now answered so we will never bring it up again". All my questions were answered for his recent LTA, but always very vague about the brief encounters about 4 8 and 13 years ago. His reasoning that they are ancient history and didn't matter. I only found out about the ancient ones because his most recent OW left a message on our voice machine about one of them. This was right after d-day, so 6 month ago.