Marriage Builders®
Posted By: Hoggie13 In Recovery for 4 Months, Then Found...... - 01/07/13 11:14 PM
.....that she was still communicating with the guy, but evidently not seeing him.
A couple of weeks ago I found an app on her phone and she had a decent explanantion. She was sending herself texts from the app so that that I could not see them because it was about her planning a trip for us for my Christmas present. I knew we were taking a long trip with the kids over Christmas so I decided not to push the subject until after the trip.
On the way home from the trip I asked her to see her phone. I then asked for her to login to her email so that I could read more about what she was planning for the trip. She did without realizing that the app was attached to the email account and there it was....a coversation between her and him tht had been ongoing since Oct. She about wrecked the car trying to get it out of my hands. Too late damage done. I kept the phone and started reading the rest of the way home.
She had been hiding this from me since Oct. She said she was no longer communicating with him. As I read I was disgusted. They flirted and talked about different sexually encounters and all kinds of things. Made me take a hard look at trying to patch things up. Afterwards she tells me that she is dropping it completely and that she only wants to continue to work things out with me.
What do you guys think? I told her I loved her, but this was a third time done wrong kind of thing. Do you really think she may be truthful? She has not contacted him since the 19th of Dec. Of course, we were together on our trip for most of that.
She claims that she is gonna tell him that she is done with him, but once again there is procrastination on her part.
Originally Posted by Hoggie13
She claims that she is gonna tell him that she is done with him, but once again there is procrastination on her part.

The problem is that you don't have a workable plan to end the affair and recover your marriage. As long as that is the case, the affair will continue.

First off, who is the OM? Is he married? HAs the affair been exposed to everyone?

Your wife should NEVER speak to or see the OM again, so asking her to speak to him again to "end it" is only resuming contact. She should write a letter to the dirtbag ending the affair that is approved by you and sent together. I will post it in the next post.

The next thing that has to happen is that she cancels that cell phone and email address so the dirtbag can never contact her again. OR she can exchange phones with you. One way or another, the means of contact has to end..

She should make her life transparent that you have access to everything, her phone, her email, passwords, etc. All social networking such as facebook, etc should be eliminated.

Is there any chance she would run into the OM anywhere? Does he live close by? Go to the same church?

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Originally Posted by Hoggie13
She claims that she is gonna tell him that she is done with him, but once again there is procrastination on her part.

After she sends the letter, I would pay a personal visit to that POSOM with a couple of your biggest buddies and inform that POS that his affair is OVER. Be sure and leave your pistol in the car.

Here is the message you should send to him:

Did you ever tell the OM's wife about the affair like we advised last August?
Posted By: Gamma Re: In Recovery for 4 Months, Then Found...... - 01/08/13 12:13 AM

You need to recognize that your WW is addicted to OM and cannot be trusted anymore than a drunk can be trusted in a bar.

Gather all your information about OM and expose him to everyone in his life who in any way matter to him. Do not warn, threaten or minimize this or they will spin it that you are crazy. This OM is attacking your marriage and your family.

After exposure you need to get a polygraph for your WW.

God Bless
fyi, this guy was given all the correct information last August and apparently ignored every bit of advice. I guess he is back for more advice that he will ignore again.

His goal is to help his wife and the OM hide their affair and we can all see how well that has worked out for him. Hoggie, I hope the OM doesn't impregnate your wife while you fiddle your thumbs and enable the affair. Don't say we didn't warn you!
Wow! Hindsight is a mfer! Expose now! I would get a copy of all those messages and send them with the exposure letter as proof and plan B her!
Hoggie, on August 24, I told you how to deal with your situation.

Did you broadly expose the affair back then, as you were advised? My guess is, you didn't. If not, that would've been willfully dumb on your part.

And you're asking if we really think she may be truthful? Well, no, we don't, because we're not dumb.
Why on earth would we think she might be truthful? Why on earth would you fall for that again? She just lied to you for an additional 5 months.

If you believe words of hers that aren't buttressed by actions on her part, then that'd be more of the same.

If you want to get serious about taking actual action that could result in your wife overcoming her still-wayward mindset in such a way that it might actually subside, thus giving your marriage a hope of being saved & made better, then let me know. I know a thing or two about what it takes to kill off an affair in such a way so as to ensure that it stays dead.

But doing so requires action on your part as well as hers. Her mouthing words not buttressed by action, and your sitting there with no plan other than "Plan Wish," while simply trying to divine her next moves & intentions as if you were pondering next week's weather, is not going to keep your marriage from dying.

Do you want to be involved in fighting for your marriage, or are you just going to remain a bystander & victim?
Let me know.


P.S. -- You understand that this means the title of your thread is all wrong, don't you? You were never "in recovery" -- not for 4 months, nor 4 minutes. Your recovery has never begun, because she never ended the affair.

Ending the affair is the first step in recovery. Can you guess what's the most important, first step to ending an affair?
How did that discovery feel? Let me tell you what, I went my own way vs the picture perfect MB plan. However, there were a few core concepts that I absolutely could see had to be followed. EXPOSURE. Yes, it's tough. Yes, it pisses her off. Yes, you get threatened and have to openly face the humiliation YOURSELF of your part of a failed marriage. Get over it. You want to know a big part of why you are where you are, because most likely, you failed to hold up your part of the marriage. Quit blaming her. Quit blaming the other guy. Own up to your own parts of it. Own yourself, and own your marriage. I honestly believe that as far gone as men feel their wives are, we stand a better chance of getting them back home, than vice versa. The key is you have to CHANGE.

Here is my key for you. Realize, you have the power, not her. Quit being afraid of losing her. Honestly, who cares? You don't want what you have, I promise you. You will keep having these discoveries for the next 10 years, and eventually be raising someone else's child.

The advice you are being given is solid. You can choose to accept it and realize many people have followed it and saved their marraiges, and many would say their lives also. You can do it your own way, and well, well, you've already seen where that is going to get you.
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