shall I try and read all old emails of EA? - 10/02/13 01:48 AM
I am saving up to get some direct councelling from marriagebuilders, but need some advise in the meantime about wether to buy an email recovery app to get at the last emails I never recovered.
I discovered my H EA in Feb. It was conducted via emails first through his work email and when he quit work, through his home business email account. After discovery, I asked to see the emails. H said he had deleted them except for a few.
He knew that reading those emails would hurt my feelings so he preferred that I didn't find out the truth. (Over the next 6 months I found out that my H is a conflict avoidance lier. )
He has never helped me (unbidden) to uncover his old emails and I had to find them by myself the hard way. I'm not very computer literate. 3 or 4 months after Dday I got so frustrated at not being able to recover much of the emails (I only read some of the ones he forgot to delete in his sent box that I found through time machine back up) that I told him I was going to buy a recovery programme. Only then did he show me another way to get at old emails through the backup library. He had known about this way all along. It made it much quicker to find them as it allowed to search for them. He could have saved me days and days by telling me about this way earlier. (As If I needed more resentment)
So now I have read more but can see from large gaps that there are a lot that I have missed. H questions why I want to read them all since they hurt and make me miserable. When he falls back into IB or other LB I end up quoting them back to him. That is wrong of me but I feel that our recovery is slow because of his lack of owning up to everything in the first place and also due to consistent LB from him in the form of TT that I discover.
So I feel compelled to find the truth for myself. Since Feb I have been spending days and days (and nights when I can't sleep), on and off, going through his computer and more recently through his old CD back ups and old paper diaries.
By doing that I found things he hadn't told me in the Radical Honesty questionaire.
These LB are effecting how I feel about him. Maybe that is why I still want to read those other emails?
Should I give in to my urge and buy this recovery programme, although I don't even know how successful it would be. The longer ago it is, the harder it is to recover old data. I'd only get something from the last 3 years anyway as H bought a new computer then.
H says I live in the past and that he wants us to live in the now and create a better future. But he doesn't help by not disclosing things to me. E.g. it was only by going through old CD backups that I recently found out that he had kept some old CDs with porn images on them. He wasn't using them, but still kept them (for the future, just in case I guess). Another sign of how strong his porn addiction is.
I resent spending nearly all my spare time trawling through old records on computer and diaries but that is the only way I have found out about some things.
Reading more emails of his correspondence with the OW will not shed more light on the general relationship however. Just give more details. But it's not leaving me alone. And as our back up system is nearly full, the longer I leave it, the less are the chances that I can recover much. I would have bought the recovery programme much earlier but I didn't feel brave enough to stand up to my H's opposition to buying it.
He feels that the more I know, the more I feel hurt. Also, I still think about it nearly constantly. There is much detail in 10 years of correspondence and I can quote much of the most hurtful stuff by memory.
It is true that I'm stuck in the past a bit. Still hurting a lot but that is partly because I am grieving my loss. My husband has only gained from his EA. First by the exitement, good feelings and phantasy he got out of it and then when I discovered it, by my meeting his EN of SF and Affection. I withdrew SF when he continued with IB and not spending time with me, but he gained all the fun he had doing his outdoor trips etc. and found some SF satisfaction through porn.
I have asked myself what I get out of staying with the memory and hurt. The only thing I can see is that it feels to me like I reward him for his hurtful behavior by moving on and forgetting, as there is no consequense, no repayment. Neither of us were aware of how many LB he does, as he is more quiet and does not criticize, like me. But I'm keeping a record now and every few days I need to write something. This morning I reached my limit over a simple cup of tea. Over our 25 years of marriage, I have infrequently said to H that his lack of ever making a cup of tea for me feels like lack of care. These last 6 months I have mentioned it again now and then. The last few weeks I asked him to at least boil the kettle. He does that now. When he has read books to me recently, the authors mentioned making a cup of tea for their wifes and I make a friendly comment to him, reminding him that I would like that too. (He does not have hot drinks himself. ) So this morning, when I was short of time to make one myself, I became very angry inside that he has not found enough motivation in him to learn to make a cup of tea the way I like it. I did not give in to an AO however and instead told him in a respectful way of my disappointment. Even if he does it now, it won't feel as good as if he had done it without the many many prompts and requests for so long. So I will have to overcome my resentment even if he starts making me a cup of tea.
Oh dear. I'm sorry this is so long but I need some encouragement from those of you who felt like this and who now feel in love and different. My self esteem was very low before but is even lower now since the OW was very highly qualified and I have always felt low in that regards. She also shared many outdoor interests with my H and literature and activism. Sometimes I feel like explaining to my H that I am the wrong women for him. We still haven't found much recreational act. for both of us. Mostly I now try and do what he's interested in.
I discovered my H EA in Feb. It was conducted via emails first through his work email and when he quit work, through his home business email account. After discovery, I asked to see the emails. H said he had deleted them except for a few.
He knew that reading those emails would hurt my feelings so he preferred that I didn't find out the truth. (Over the next 6 months I found out that my H is a conflict avoidance lier. )
He has never helped me (unbidden) to uncover his old emails and I had to find them by myself the hard way. I'm not very computer literate. 3 or 4 months after Dday I got so frustrated at not being able to recover much of the emails (I only read some of the ones he forgot to delete in his sent box that I found through time machine back up) that I told him I was going to buy a recovery programme. Only then did he show me another way to get at old emails through the backup library. He had known about this way all along. It made it much quicker to find them as it allowed to search for them. He could have saved me days and days by telling me about this way earlier. (As If I needed more resentment)
So now I have read more but can see from large gaps that there are a lot that I have missed. H questions why I want to read them all since they hurt and make me miserable. When he falls back into IB or other LB I end up quoting them back to him. That is wrong of me but I feel that our recovery is slow because of his lack of owning up to everything in the first place and also due to consistent LB from him in the form of TT that I discover.
So I feel compelled to find the truth for myself. Since Feb I have been spending days and days (and nights when I can't sleep), on and off, going through his computer and more recently through his old CD back ups and old paper diaries.
By doing that I found things he hadn't told me in the Radical Honesty questionaire.
These LB are effecting how I feel about him. Maybe that is why I still want to read those other emails?
Should I give in to my urge and buy this recovery programme, although I don't even know how successful it would be. The longer ago it is, the harder it is to recover old data. I'd only get something from the last 3 years anyway as H bought a new computer then.
H says I live in the past and that he wants us to live in the now and create a better future. But he doesn't help by not disclosing things to me. E.g. it was only by going through old CD backups that I recently found out that he had kept some old CDs with porn images on them. He wasn't using them, but still kept them (for the future, just in case I guess). Another sign of how strong his porn addiction is.
I resent spending nearly all my spare time trawling through old records on computer and diaries but that is the only way I have found out about some things.
Reading more emails of his correspondence with the OW will not shed more light on the general relationship however. Just give more details. But it's not leaving me alone. And as our back up system is nearly full, the longer I leave it, the less are the chances that I can recover much. I would have bought the recovery programme much earlier but I didn't feel brave enough to stand up to my H's opposition to buying it.
He feels that the more I know, the more I feel hurt. Also, I still think about it nearly constantly. There is much detail in 10 years of correspondence and I can quote much of the most hurtful stuff by memory.
It is true that I'm stuck in the past a bit. Still hurting a lot but that is partly because I am grieving my loss. My husband has only gained from his EA. First by the exitement, good feelings and phantasy he got out of it and then when I discovered it, by my meeting his EN of SF and Affection. I withdrew SF when he continued with IB and not spending time with me, but he gained all the fun he had doing his outdoor trips etc. and found some SF satisfaction through porn.
I have asked myself what I get out of staying with the memory and hurt. The only thing I can see is that it feels to me like I reward him for his hurtful behavior by moving on and forgetting, as there is no consequense, no repayment. Neither of us were aware of how many LB he does, as he is more quiet and does not criticize, like me. But I'm keeping a record now and every few days I need to write something. This morning I reached my limit over a simple cup of tea. Over our 25 years of marriage, I have infrequently said to H that his lack of ever making a cup of tea for me feels like lack of care. These last 6 months I have mentioned it again now and then. The last few weeks I asked him to at least boil the kettle. He does that now. When he has read books to me recently, the authors mentioned making a cup of tea for their wifes and I make a friendly comment to him, reminding him that I would like that too. (He does not have hot drinks himself. ) So this morning, when I was short of time to make one myself, I became very angry inside that he has not found enough motivation in him to learn to make a cup of tea the way I like it. I did not give in to an AO however and instead told him in a respectful way of my disappointment. Even if he does it now, it won't feel as good as if he had done it without the many many prompts and requests for so long. So I will have to overcome my resentment even if he starts making me a cup of tea.
Oh dear. I'm sorry this is so long but I need some encouragement from those of you who felt like this and who now feel in love and different. My self esteem was very low before but is even lower now since the OW was very highly qualified and I have always felt low in that regards. She also shared many outdoor interests with my H and literature and activism. Sometimes I feel like explaining to my H that I am the wrong women for him. We still haven't found much recreational act. for both of us. Mostly I now try and do what he's interested in.