As the title says why does the WW refuse to tell who the OM was?

Is it general damage control?

How likely is it that the OM is someone the BH knows?

Is there something about the OM that the BH could not move past what happened if he new who the OM was?

I can understand that if the OM was a co worker the WW would not want to lose her good job.

Though if the affair was truly over the WW should not have any reason not to name the OM.

Please share experiences you have faced, heard of, or read as to the reasons for a WW not spilling the beans.

TheRoad,

Is it general damage control?

WWs do not want to face the loss of respect their BHs might feel if they found out the truth, this is extended to their children and others who might also find out.

WWs do not want to face the loss of income or division of wealth a divorce would bring. Having to explain why they divorced is another fear.

WWs want to protect OM, or even when they hate OM, they want to protect OMs family and wife. My W feels this way, I think if OM2 was single she might spill, but when she considers OM2 family she stops. In my case, perhaps not yours, my W fears I will harm OM2 and his family.

WWs do not want to appear as loose women, and letting you know who OM is might also allow you to interview OM and find out sexual details your WW would never tell you.

WWs do not want to lose their life partner because they returned to you after deciding you were the better deal, although as my W said to me I was "so lucky" she did not go with OM2. So in a sense my W feels she paid a steep price when she lost OM2 to gain me, to lose that investment now later in life would be a difficult blow.

WWs do not want to start telling the truth, because once it begins even more uncomfortable truths will come out.

How likely is it that the OM is someone the BH knows?

Very likely, how often on MB is the OM a boyfriend or past associate of some sort. Dr Harley thought that was the case when he discussed your email on the radio. Your WW may also be protecting her family who may still be associating with OM or have known all along.

Is there something about the OM that the BH could not move past what happened if he new who the OM was?

In my case yes, OM2 was so different from me, that my W thinks I could not take the truth, and W has said so on a few occasions.

I can understand that if the OM was a co worker the WW would not want to lose her good job.

Is there a chance your WW still works with OM?

Though if the affair was truly over the WW should not have any reason not to name the OM.

I believe in your story your WW kept keepsakes of OM for years, so the affair was not over when contact ended but continued on at least as a fantasy. My W had a good opinion of OM2 for decades, at least up until I improved my treatment of W after finding MB. It's almost as if my W had a long term friendship to which she remained loyal and honorable.

Please share experiences you have faced, heard of, or read as to the reasons for a WW not spilling the beans.

There is also a hope that the BH will forget, and a hope that someday the BHs pain will just go away. WWs think that lying to their spouse will hurt BH less than telling the truth.

God Bless
Gamma

No. Because she got this job 5 years later.

It doesn't really matter why she doesn't want to tell you. You need to know so you can work on recovery. You have spent a long time in limbo land and need to know just so you can start with the first step of EPs. It won't work trying to get this information using lovebusters, but you can determine your boundaries and stick to them.

You have mentioned this not knowing who the OM is many times, so obviously you can't live happily without knowing. You can just tell her you can't go on like this and see what she says about that.

Same reason anybody keeps any type of secret. Controlling a person's access to knowledge controls their abilities and behaviour.

If you don't know about it, you can't do anything about it. You can't confront, you can't expose, you can't prevent reoccurances.

She keeps control of the situation instead of giving it to you as JC. Basically her need to control what happens next is more important to her than your need to resolve the A.



x2. Recovery does not even start until the truth of the affair is given. If she won't start recovery, then she needs to be told she will not get it!

You do have the truth about her willingness to be honest - she isn't. You CAN control your response to that.

Truly? I wouldn't. If I even suspected I was married to someone who valued something as temporary as a job over the marriage, I'd leave, even if there was no affair involved.

A job can make you redundant at any time, unlike a spouse that will care for you for life.

You cannot possibly build a marriage with someone who has a crazy priority over their spouse like that.

Dr Harley tells each of us to consider if we have a belief so precious it would take priority over the marriage. Something like religion, for example. If you have a truly deep and abiding belief you should make sure your spouse shares it as nothing can take priority over the marriage.

But a job? After the person has had an affair?

That sounds a little screwy to me.



If you don't know who he is, he could be anyone anywhere. She might have gotten this job because her OM works there. Or he could be someone else in your life. Don't sign up for the torture of another Dday.

TheRoad,

One other possibility is that some well meaning friend of your WW told her never to say anything to you and gave your WW enough justification to last a lifetime. This could also be your in-laws.

God Bless
Gamma

Could be though who knows the reason for sure.