Hello all. I don't think I'm here looking for "the right answer", maybe I am, I really just don't know. I do know that when I discovered my wife affair this website and Dr. Harley's books saved my marriage and probably even my life. So I guess I'm coming back to what I know worked last time. The short story is my wife had an affair in 2005/06, I found out, she slowly divulged everything. It was a text book affair, discovery and recovery. Now 7 years later I find myself losing the battle within. My marriage now is good, even very good but I am catching myself interested in online chatting with other women. I feel terrible about it and I know it is this same kind of behavior that caused my wife's affair years ago. I can tell something is missing in my life right now. I don't know what it is, although I'm no dummy, I realize I am creating my own problems at this point. The chatting is very minor right now but I know how things slowly, imperceptibly get out of hand. I am wanting so badly to feel whole with my wife. Its easy to say "stop chatting online" its a no brainer but it goes beyond that. I am hoping that just this simple written admission of my problem, fear, issues will somehow trigger the beginning of healing again.

Have you told your wife about this?

No I haven't. I really try not to bring up how her affair still affects me because it sounds like I'm stewing over it and cant just get over it. I suppose that's not a good answer but that's the reason.

You should tell your wife what you are doing. How else can you keep each other accountable except by being radically honest about all of your activities.

Like any habit that is not good for you, you need to end the online chatting, close your love bank to every woman except your wife, and put a keylogger on your computer with reports sent to your wife. Some people get rid of their computer or are only the computer when their spouse is right there next to them.

Then examine the conditions leading to the online chatting. Are you spending 15 hours of UA time together every week, making it the most enjoyable time of your week, meeting each others ENs and avoiding love busters?

It's not fair to withhold this information from your wife.

I agree, I need to tell her. I would first like to have her and I start re-reading one of Dr. Harley's books. We both read them together soon after her affair and they gave profound advice. Based on my current situation which book would you suggest we (or I) start with?

What about the online program? Can you sign up for that?

I'm not familiar with that. What is it?

Here you go.
Courses, Seminar, Accountability

Before you do anything else, your wife needs to know what you've been doing. It's not going to help the situation if you and she start reading a marriage book while she's in the dark about the threat to her marriage.

First tell her, then ask her to join you in reading Surviving an Affair. After reading SAA, it would be a great idea to ask how she feels about signing up for the Online Program or just re-reading HNHN and LB.

You changed the subject like it was a third rail, there.

I would suggest you read GloveOil's story.

Good call.

Here GloveOil's- It was an ordinary day here

I would start with the truth FIRST. And I would also get Dr Harley's new edition of Surviving an Affair. He revised the book last year.

When will you be telling your wife?

2LLP ~

We were here around the same time, years ago. What a long road it's been! It's been 5 days and I hope you come back to read this thread.

You already know this but you need to beef up your EPs. You both need to be following them. My husband I both follow the same EPs. They are not different for him just because he had the A. They are the same for me. If this was the case you would not find yourself in the position you are in today. And obviously you need to tell your wife ASAP; there's no negotiation on this.

That's a good start. After that is done you can start reading the books and do the questionnaires. And start spending 15+ hours per week alone together. That should get you going! Come back here and post for help

Well, when you create a contrast effect by chatting up other women, you WILL stew about the affair.

That is why restoring Romantic Love in your marriage is key; if you are overwhelmingly in love with your wife, her affair will be miniscule in comparison.