Introduction - 04/26/16 07:24 PM
I have questions, but I wanted to start with an introduction of myself, and our story.
Married to Erastis (forum name) for 15+ years. Three kids that are elementary aged. Erastis is stable and financially successful, and has been our entire marriage. We live in the same small hometown we were both born in.
We married when he was 31 and I was 23, only 6 months after we met. We both had strong Christian roots, but I had lived a rebellious life in college, while he had never dated. His first kiss was with me. I had been sexually active since 16 with almost a dozen boyfriends. He had a vision of marriage as one of complete transparency, intimacy, and oneness. I wanted to be a wife and mother with someone safe who would be a good provider, but my past dating experience taught me that men didn't like to be bothered with emotional, clingy women. I didn't expect much closeness out of marriage, and I believed that opposite sex friends and even mild flirting were perfectly harmless.
Erastis was fearful of my openness with other men and bewildered by my distance. He felt very rejected by me. His solution was control, judgements, and demands. I complied as best I could, very much operating out of my giver. We both believed women were to submit unquestioningly to their husband. My best efforts still fell short.
Things became really bad about 10 years into our marriage. In an effort to create intimacy and SF, he began to pressure me into watching porn, wearing revealing clothes, and flirting with other men. He found a "hot wives" site where people interested in threesomes and swapping met. I felt inadequate, rejected and confused. I lost the baby weight I'd gained and slowly began to give into pressure to participate. In a conversation that now haunts us both, he told me, "Don't worry about the consequences. I'll be responsible for that."
Then he introduced me to "J", a guy from the hot wives site. We clicked. With Erastis's supervision and encouragement, J and I chatted for hours at the time, swapped photos and videos. Six months later, it escalated to the three of us having video sex. That night Erastis realized this was not creating the excitement and intimacy he wanted, and he told me to never contact J again.
By this time, I was very much over the romantic love threshold with J, while my love bank with Erastis was nearing 0. After three days of depression, I opened a secret email account with the sole intent of only saying good bye. It was the beginning of my secret second life.
Six months later the affair died a natural death. I was addicted to the thrill of affirmation, and sought out other online boyfriends. For the next 18 months I lived a double life. I became highly involved in fitness and sports. I felt trapped and controlled in marriage, and I used the online fantasy life and fitness to cope. I went as far as meeting two of the men on two different occasions, but the only physical contact was a pat on the rear and a kiss on the forehead.
In the meantime, Erastis was as miserable as I was, but sought God instead of escape. I could see him becoming the man I'd dreamed of, but I now I felt trapped in my deception. I believed he would never forgive me if he knew.
In March of 2013, through a freak turn of events which we both believe was the guidance of the Holy Spirit, Erastis discovered my online affairs. It took three days of him digging before he uncovered the depth of my second life. I was terrified and relieved at the same time. He gave me an clear choice very calmly - if I wanted out of the marriage, he wouldn't fight me. I decided to stay.
Even though we had never heard of MB, he lead me through many of the steps instinctively. We confessed to our families, pastor, and a marriage counselor. I dropped all social accounts and all social fitness activities. We set up many extraordinary precautions but I struggled with those same fearful feelings of control that had plagued our marriage from the beginning, and we both stayed frustrated with how to set boundaries, and how to love each other.
Now, 3 years later, we have finally found MB. We have signed up for the online coaching program and have been through the weekend marriage seminar (DVD) and two weeks of lessons. There are so many tools that we needed to get through recovery - that we could have used to avoid the tragedy in the first place. The love bank, emotional needs, love busters, the POJO (!!)... it breaks my heart to see the destruction we've caused. For the first time, though, I am beginning to understand what Erastis has been seeking from the beginning of our marriage. Unity, oneness, openness and honesty. Without control or fear. Without demands and judgement.
I have caused so much pain to Erastis. I am grateful that he never gave up on me, on our marriage. That he has continually sought to find answers on having a great marriage. I'm grateful for Marriage Builders and hopeful future we have ahead of us, and for the opportunity to teach our children so that they will not go into marriage without understanding these principles.
Married to Erastis (forum name) for 15+ years. Three kids that are elementary aged. Erastis is stable and financially successful, and has been our entire marriage. We live in the same small hometown we were both born in.
We married when he was 31 and I was 23, only 6 months after we met. We both had strong Christian roots, but I had lived a rebellious life in college, while he had never dated. His first kiss was with me. I had been sexually active since 16 with almost a dozen boyfriends. He had a vision of marriage as one of complete transparency, intimacy, and oneness. I wanted to be a wife and mother with someone safe who would be a good provider, but my past dating experience taught me that men didn't like to be bothered with emotional, clingy women. I didn't expect much closeness out of marriage, and I believed that opposite sex friends and even mild flirting were perfectly harmless.
Erastis was fearful of my openness with other men and bewildered by my distance. He felt very rejected by me. His solution was control, judgements, and demands. I complied as best I could, very much operating out of my giver. We both believed women were to submit unquestioningly to their husband. My best efforts still fell short.
Things became really bad about 10 years into our marriage. In an effort to create intimacy and SF, he began to pressure me into watching porn, wearing revealing clothes, and flirting with other men. He found a "hot wives" site where people interested in threesomes and swapping met. I felt inadequate, rejected and confused. I lost the baby weight I'd gained and slowly began to give into pressure to participate. In a conversation that now haunts us both, he told me, "Don't worry about the consequences. I'll be responsible for that."
Then he introduced me to "J", a guy from the hot wives site. We clicked. With Erastis's supervision and encouragement, J and I chatted for hours at the time, swapped photos and videos. Six months later, it escalated to the three of us having video sex. That night Erastis realized this was not creating the excitement and intimacy he wanted, and he told me to never contact J again.
By this time, I was very much over the romantic love threshold with J, while my love bank with Erastis was nearing 0. After three days of depression, I opened a secret email account with the sole intent of only saying good bye. It was the beginning of my secret second life.
Six months later the affair died a natural death. I was addicted to the thrill of affirmation, and sought out other online boyfriends. For the next 18 months I lived a double life. I became highly involved in fitness and sports. I felt trapped and controlled in marriage, and I used the online fantasy life and fitness to cope. I went as far as meeting two of the men on two different occasions, but the only physical contact was a pat on the rear and a kiss on the forehead.
In the meantime, Erastis was as miserable as I was, but sought God instead of escape. I could see him becoming the man I'd dreamed of, but I now I felt trapped in my deception. I believed he would never forgive me if he knew.
In March of 2013, through a freak turn of events which we both believe was the guidance of the Holy Spirit, Erastis discovered my online affairs. It took three days of him digging before he uncovered the depth of my second life. I was terrified and relieved at the same time. He gave me an clear choice very calmly - if I wanted out of the marriage, he wouldn't fight me. I decided to stay.
Even though we had never heard of MB, he lead me through many of the steps instinctively. We confessed to our families, pastor, and a marriage counselor. I dropped all social accounts and all social fitness activities. We set up many extraordinary precautions but I struggled with those same fearful feelings of control that had plagued our marriage from the beginning, and we both stayed frustrated with how to set boundaries, and how to love each other.
Now, 3 years later, we have finally found MB. We have signed up for the online coaching program and have been through the weekend marriage seminar (DVD) and two weeks of lessons. There are so many tools that we needed to get through recovery - that we could have used to avoid the tragedy in the first place. The love bank, emotional needs, love busters, the POJO (!!)... it breaks my heart to see the destruction we've caused. For the first time, though, I am beginning to understand what Erastis has been seeking from the beginning of our marriage. Unity, oneness, openness and honesty. Without control or fear. Without demands and judgement.
I have caused so much pain to Erastis. I am grateful that he never gave up on me, on our marriage. That he has continually sought to find answers on having a great marriage. I'm grateful for Marriage Builders and hopeful future we have ahead of us, and for the opportunity to teach our children so that they will not go into marriage without understanding these principles.