This thread has got completely out of hand. People are now understanding your wife to have trickled truth, and to have lied, when in your first post there was no evidence of any of that - just your belief that the answer she gave you was not the truth. The problem is, if you are determined to believe that she is lying, how can she prove that she isn't? How can she prove that the reason she gave you for not doing the sexual acts is the truth?
The only way she can ever prove that she is telling the truth is to confess to all the suspicions and suppositions that you have made over the years. If she tells you anything else, she is lying. She is on a losing wicket with that attitude, and so, my friend, are you. You will never have the recovered marriage you could have if you are determined to harbour resentment because your wife has not confirmed what you believe.
You said:
Long story short, I believe that my WW engaged in certain sexual activities with OM and that she has not been open and honest with me about those activities. What's worse is that she and I engaged in these activities during her A but not since because of her refusal.
I have asked her about this directly about a year ago and she swore that I was wrong and gave a reason (excuse?) for why she will no longer do these things with me.
This bothers me for several reasons. I wonder if she is cherishing the memory of her and OM doing these things and that's why she won't do with me. I feel like she must have had a closer connection to him than she admitted to me - and I question the closeness of her feelings for me. And obviously, feeling that she is not open and honest about this, my trust in her has not been fully restored.
"I believe..."
"She gave a reason (excuse?)"...
"I wonder if..."
"I feel like..."
And on the basis of those beliefs, feelings, and suspicions of excuses, you disrespectfully judge your wife - and come here and get validation for that from a poster who believes that, if the betrayed spouse wants the unfaithful spouse to describe every sexual act, then that is what the unfaithful spouse must do. Without it, there will be no recovery, he claims - contrary to the view of the expert, Dr Harley, under whose umbrella you post.
You first posted on this board at a time when Dr Harley's Marriage Builders programme was rarely discussed, and even more rarely understood. Betrayed spouses, especially betrayed husbands, believed that the faithful spouse had the right to exact any kind of revenge they wanted, short of beating up their unfaithful spouse. They could demand sex, they could demand kinky sex, they could demand the exact same sex that was practiced during the affair, they could demand that degrading sex be given with enthusiasm, and they could demand a blow-by-blow account of the kinky, degrading sex that was given with enthusiasm during the affair.
How it was thought this would ever create romantic love, and a happy marriage, is beyond most of us posting today.
Even if you know nothing about Dr Harley's recovery programme, ask yourself why you would EVER want your wife to carry out sexual acts that she does not want to do. Why would you want that? What do you think that will give you? Do you think that it will make you feel better? More of a man? Like a better man than OM? Like a man who your wife will love? What?
What are you hoping to achieve by it?
I can tell you what you'll achieve by it; you'll get a wife who will hate you for degrading and punishing her. In fact, she won't do the acts but she'll hate you anyway for pressuring her to do them, and for not believing her when she told you why she did not want to do them - and indeed for asking her about the affair 10 YEARS after it finished and 9.5 years after the details should have been allowed to rest.
If you know who this man was, know how and when the affair was conducted (e.g. at the workplace, or at parties), know that you exposed the affair to your families, including your kids, and to OM's wife, know that you moved away, that your wife changed job or you both did whatever was necessary to ensure
verifiable no-contact, and worked on building a romantic, accountable, integrated marriage in which there was no room for secret trysts - on Facebook, in person or on the phone...
...if you've done all that, and rebuilt romantic love, then why would you ask your wife to do what she did during the affair? Why would that matter?
Maybe you are both ruining recovery. Maybe your wife has never shown you transparency, and you don't know she is not in contact with any other man. Maybe she goes on dates with her girlfriends. Maybe she has angry outbursts. Maybe she isn't doing much to rebuild romantic love, and is committing many love busters.
But if you are focusing and thinking about why she won't do sexual stuff with you, and you are asking her about it as recently as a year ago - years after the affair ended - then you are right there, ruining your own recovery.
Surely you can see that this is no way to live, and long past time to move on from the affair.