Struggling to meet his needs - 05/30/23 03:06 PM
It has now been 3 1/2 years since my husband was caught being unfaithful. We have been trying very hard to put our marriage back together. We have read "His Needs, Her Needs" and received counseling from our Pastor on several occasions in the last 3 1/2 years. He has cut off all contact with the people he had affairs with. His reason for the affair was that he wanted the attention that I wasn't giving him. I have forgiven him, but our mismatched sex drives threaten our marriage all the time. Sex and affection are his top 2 needs and I don't know how to meet them when he is not physically in my presence.
Most of the time, things are pretty good between us. We are a farm family and his job is very busy on average and extremely busy seasonally. In busy times, we talk about 15 minutes a day and see each other (when awake) for a maximum of an hour. Throughout our marriage he has felt rejected by me. Our sex drives couldn't be farther apart in terms of desire. He is always ready and willing. He wants to connect with me through sex. I want to connect with him through time together before I am ready for sex. He wants sex first thing in the morning (5:45 am). I am not awake or interested in sex at that time. Sex at night often doesn't happen because he is exhausted from work. Middle of the day is great if we can steal some time but doesn't happen very often. Sometimes I do try to meet he need in the morning, but it is usually unfulfilling to him because he can tell I'm not into it and it's awful for me because I feel used. It certainly doesn't bring me closer to him.
This morning he woke me up to "snuggle". He asked me what I needed. I told him I needed more time with him. He then told me he needed to have sex. I tried. I was having trouble getting aroused or even interested in sex. I asked if I could help satisfy his need any other way, but sex was it. We got into a disagreement when I told him I just couldn't do it. He told me he felt rejected AGAIN! I could tell he was angry and fed up with me for my lack of interest/desire for him. He told me I seemed more like a roommate than a wife. For the past 2 weeks, he has worked 7am to 9:30pm or later. It's difficult to speak to him while he is working so we don't talk much. I prepare his food, care for our children, help him with farm work and do his laundry. I sit with him while he eats dinner late at night so he doesn't have to eat alone. During these times I feel like a maid that is expected to have sex. When his schedule is like this, I find it very difficult to have sex with him. When it slows down, we have sex a couple times a week. He is always the initiator.
Earlier this year, I finally went to a "boutique" medical facilility that specializes in hormore replacement for treating low libido in women. I have struggled most of my adult life with a very low libido. I received testosterone. I believe it has helped me. I do think about sex sometimes now where before, I never did. Sex has been more pleasurable when we have it. I am trying to do whatever I can to make sex more important to me. I know it's important to him. After our argument this morning, I kept waiting for a phone call or text from him telling me he wants a divorce.
After all this, what do I do to meet my husbands needs? I feel like the only way to make him happy is offer sex daily in the morning, call him multiple times throughout the day and be constantly touching him when he walks through the door. Then I wonder, what about my needs?
Most of the time, things are pretty good between us. We are a farm family and his job is very busy on average and extremely busy seasonally. In busy times, we talk about 15 minutes a day and see each other (when awake) for a maximum of an hour. Throughout our marriage he has felt rejected by me. Our sex drives couldn't be farther apart in terms of desire. He is always ready and willing. He wants to connect with me through sex. I want to connect with him through time together before I am ready for sex. He wants sex first thing in the morning (5:45 am). I am not awake or interested in sex at that time. Sex at night often doesn't happen because he is exhausted from work. Middle of the day is great if we can steal some time but doesn't happen very often. Sometimes I do try to meet he need in the morning, but it is usually unfulfilling to him because he can tell I'm not into it and it's awful for me because I feel used. It certainly doesn't bring me closer to him.
This morning he woke me up to "snuggle". He asked me what I needed. I told him I needed more time with him. He then told me he needed to have sex. I tried. I was having trouble getting aroused or even interested in sex. I asked if I could help satisfy his need any other way, but sex was it. We got into a disagreement when I told him I just couldn't do it. He told me he felt rejected AGAIN! I could tell he was angry and fed up with me for my lack of interest/desire for him. He told me I seemed more like a roommate than a wife. For the past 2 weeks, he has worked 7am to 9:30pm or later. It's difficult to speak to him while he is working so we don't talk much. I prepare his food, care for our children, help him with farm work and do his laundry. I sit with him while he eats dinner late at night so he doesn't have to eat alone. During these times I feel like a maid that is expected to have sex. When his schedule is like this, I find it very difficult to have sex with him. When it slows down, we have sex a couple times a week. He is always the initiator.
Earlier this year, I finally went to a "boutique" medical facilility that specializes in hormore replacement for treating low libido in women. I have struggled most of my adult life with a very low libido. I received testosterone. I believe it has helped me. I do think about sex sometimes now where before, I never did. Sex has been more pleasurable when we have it. I am trying to do whatever I can to make sex more important to me. I know it's important to him. After our argument this morning, I kept waiting for a phone call or text from him telling me he wants a divorce.
After all this, what do I do to meet my husbands needs? I feel like the only way to make him happy is offer sex daily in the morning, call him multiple times throughout the day and be constantly touching him when he walks through the door. Then I wonder, what about my needs?