"We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.
Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.
So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"
First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.
2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.
3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.
4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.
Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.
Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.
Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.
Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.
Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.
Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"
Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.
If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.
Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my XW took off into the sunset and another post yanked that rant out of me. If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from WS's who like to play little selfish games - if you indulge them they keep playing them.
I'm better now. Thanks for letting me take a good long vent... maybe I am finally getting my old, dead, buried, BS issues from the days before I met J out of my system.
I just love your posts!! I cannot agree more. This is life, count your blessings and get on with it. It's not easy. Get over it.
I really believe, if at the end of a day, you've got a roof over your head, your kids/family are OK, and you've got a pillow under your head, your doing pretty damn well. Maybe I'm selling life short, or maybe I'm a smart person who doesn't have to search and search to understand how lucky I am. BS status, or not. That doesn't define me and it never will.
I especially love the removing the head from the rear comments!!! There seems to be an awful lot of that syndrome going on!!
Thanks for making me smile.
I'm pretty sure a pshrink would say I use humor as a defense mechanism.
But it sure beats cryin.
J has me pegged down pretty well, pointed out that I had a lot of things to be thankful for and little to gripe about. Now if there was a way to show people how much they have without their having to almost lose it we'd be on to something.
As to RCIS (Recto-cranial Inversion Syndrome) sadly it is a common disorder among WS's and seems to contribute to the problem.
Thanks for letting me get a rant/rave out - keeps my head from exploding now and then.
2,
Well put!! Thanks for the input on my post. I really appreciate it. I think, if my ww continues in this trend I will hand her a copy of this post.
WD
rofl...
You are great in your line of business, or so I've been brainwashed, but, really, you gotta branch out, 2. You need a regular column for this stuff!
Leilana,
Ya wanna ghost write it?
Actually I think I was onto something with the dog psychology book idea, will see if I can find that one....
<small>[ September 19, 2003, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: 2ofaKind ]</small>
Fine post. Like a good apple pie, it had a nice tart edge to it.
And you guys wonder why your spouse had an affair...
Yo!
Jimmy Mac 2ofakind
IS the WS.
He and I are the "tuffs." The FWSs who take no prisoners, tough love kind. The other side WSs are also represented here on MB .. sort of like good cop/bad cop -- I think both sides work well together to help get WSs out of the fog and working toward recovery.
I am a FWW -- I just don't play one on TV. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
way2
2ofaKind,
I just love everything you write!!!!!! If you ever, or already have, publish any books, I want to read them!!
Keep up the good work. Better yet, how about creating a thread that would include all of your best work from here so far?
CA-Terry, another soul you have touched!
Hey 2oak, your wife pointed it out to you that you didn't have much to gripe about...but how did you "get it"???
My fwh (sometimes I'd like to exchange the "formerly" with another f word we all know very well) I still don't think gets it. He expects to float around like tinkerbell on fumes of happiness. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I'm tired of the Bullsh**.
He's got it pretty damn good around here. I do a lot (most) of the work around our home and for our children...enabling him to work like a maniac. Fine. We both like nice things. Live in an extremely expensive community. We have a large family and a large dog. So, we have expenses. Someone has to earn a living. That's the lifestyle we've chosen. I used to gripe a lot about being left "alone". Since dday, I've come to realize an awful lot about choices.
I'm alone because he has to work. Fact of life. I've gotten used to it and I've stopped "*****ing" about it. I've had a reality check. I used to have pretty much zero self esteem. Well, that's changed too.
I've taken a cold hard look at all of it. I've gone through emotional highs and lows. I've been on this ride for 8 mos (and prior to that for a year during the course of the ea/pa - I felt something WRONG). SO, maybe I'm coming to a healing point for ME. Cool. I'm OK. More than that. I'm not going to dwell on all this crap forever. You could make yourself nuts trying to figure it out...well there's really no figuring it out. It just is what it is, or really it had better be it is what it WAS.
My H made a HUGE mistake. He hurt me and his family and he'll have to know that for the rest of his life. He's pretty distant and giving me the stupid "I don't know how I feel" nonsense. Well, I know how I feel. If he doesn't remove his head from his as* soon, I know what's going to happen. I'm not scared of being alone. I won't be alone. I'm giving him time and a chance but trust me, push comes to shove and it won't be as hard as I once thought to give him a big old shove.
That's me getting my own head out of my rear and no longer making excuses for an inexcusable situation.
He is damn lucky to have me. I know he knows that. I'm giving him time to work out his crap because there is so much of it. But, I've got my own head too. Mine's gotten pretty strong. I'm not ever going to take the crap he used to dish out ever again. So, we wait and see. I know he sense a change in me, I think he's in shock!!!
2oak, having a pretty sh***y day here. Thanks for the little ray of sunshine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Hey Wondrme...how are you? Hanging in??? What a trip...to say the least.
I just bought the book Surviving an affair today. Am actually a little intimidated about reading it. I'm not so sure I want to stir up any emotions right now.
I feel so waterlogged in all this crap that I don't even know why I bought it. I guess everyone here has recommended it so much as being helpful.
It's painful to read about an a from the WS viewpoint. My H has said so little about his perspective of the a that it bothers me to think he could have actually believed he had such true emotions for that piece of crap he became involved with. YUK.
So, I might start it or I might just get out and take the dog for a walk to clear my head. Kids are out to dinner w/ grandma and grandpa and of course, H is working...til whenever. I told him I'd make my own plans, thank you. Nothing like feeling unwanted most of the time. Oh well.
I'm actually getting scared that I might venture down the wrong road...please no 2X4s. I have enough of a headache and too much common sense to actually do it. It is just so frustrating to have a fws that doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. It all feels so doomed. I feel so emotionally vulnerable. But, dammit, it wouldn't feel bad to give him a taste of his own medicine now would it??? There 's that good old anger/rage speaking. Loud and clear. VENT VENT VENT.
Why do we have to take the high road???? I'm tired of holding up this M. He better step in quick cause I'm fading fast.
Sorry, wondrme, wish I could be supportive of you and offer you some solid advice. Can't. I guess it just sucks til it doesn't suck anymore. Let me know how you're doing. Again, sorry for the "downer".
2ofAKind -
thank you for this great post - I printed it out and gave it to my WH, since for the past 7 months he is trying to "find his answers and himself" - maybe he needs more of the 'hand on round object that is centered back North and yank harder" - I enjoyed it!
hey 2oak
Good post, I agree with ya if you cant find yourself then something has to be wrong with your head. I think all of that "find myself" talk is so stupid or at least a cop out for acting like a horses hiney. Its really nice to see someone write a post like this. I ought to print a copy for any "lost" souls I see in real life. My H could have used this post when his head was missing in action up his backside region. Thanks again, great post.
Bump. I just loved this one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
I debated for long time whether to respond to this one or not.
Considering that this board is for both BS and WS trying to rebuild their marriages, I think this is just one big DJ.
Maybe most think it's funny. But it's humor at the expense of people who may be honestly struggling to find their place in world - and their marriage.
I wonder how many of you would be laughing if I posted something that made fun of the struggles a BS goes through.
It appears that insensitivity is not the exclusive domain of us WS
Low
LowOrbit , I don't know if there was even any "motives" behind your response, but I am just going to assume you simply were born without a sense of humor. If that is the case, you should just probably stay out of the threads that are aimed at theraputic humor so necessary for some of us!
Sorry, but since the kids aren't up yet there is still some fight left in me.
CA
Low Orbit
I think there may be something of a mis-understanding here. 2ofakind is actually a WS, who is pretty disgusted with his own behaviour, and feels strongly that BS's should be firm with Waywards. He referred to himself as a BS because his first wife left him for another man. Subsequently, he got engaged to J, and then cheated on her...'ending' the affair many times before J finally found out. His robust attitude is certainly refreshing to BS's who have to deal with sorry-for-themselves WS's in their own lives.
But I think, 2oak, that you didn't have a strong EMOTIONAL connection to your OW? I think it's that caring feeling that causes pain to the WS, and may make it harder for other WS's, like Low Orbit, to let go with quite such determination.
TA
yeah, I knew I should've stayed out of this one.
Yes, it hit a bit close to home. I had some significant mid-life changes. I had to "find myself" again. Looking in my pants and at my drivers license wasn't a lot of help. It was a nightmare time.
I was repeatedly blown off and told to "snap out of it" by the tough love types. Unfortunately, the OW was very willing to take me seriously...
If this was humor about an African American, and he/she stated they were offended by it, would you accuse them of having no sense of humor?
Good humor edifies people - it doesn't tear down others for a few laughs. So, you're right...my sense of humor doesn't extend to that kind that makes fun of another's pain.
How many of us would find psycho BS jokes funny? I'd endeavor that most would be hurt.
All I'm asking is that we think about what will edify all when we post - men, women, BS, and WS alike. I've been guilty of not following my own advice lately, something I'm bent on changing.
I'm pretty disgusted with my behavior as well, but I've come to understand why I did what I did and I'm focused on staying healthy so it doesn't happen again. My beef has nothing to do with my affair, but the assertion that people who are experiencing mid-life trauma are in some way foolish or defective. Even if I hadn't had an affair at all, I'd still have a problem with this.
Sorry for intruding on what was intended to be "private humor". That's what my dad used to call jokes abouts blacks and Jews.
Low
<small>[ November 14, 2003, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>
Grrrrrrr......(sort of like a growl)
I have no fight left in me right now (nothing to do with you), anyways to answer your questions:
"If this was humor about an African American, and he/she stated they were offended by it, would you accuse them of having no sense of humor?"
Yes, I expect everyone should have a sense of humor!!!! I would also tell them to "lighten up"!
"Good humor edifies people - it doesn't tear down others for a few laughs. So, you're right...my sense of humor doesn't extend to that kind that makes fun of another's pain."
To you I say "DON'T TAKE EVERYTHING SO PERSONALLY". Duh, this post was not written to "tear anyone down" for laughs. Okay, the "lighten up" goes to you to.
Lets also throw blonds into the picture. Heck, we should start a blond jokes thread even! Any blond I've known and was worth knowing, which includes my own mother and very close friends, have all, strangely enough, possessed the same sense of humor and think all of those jokes are funny also (at least the funny ones, some blond jokes are lame).
"How many of us would find psycho BS jokes funny?"
I would!!! I would also think (good) jokes about people like me, the WS, funny also!!!
Are you getting my point yet??? Either you really don't possess a sense of humor or you are purposly just "stirring the sh#t stick" here to get a response. (Something my H loves to do to my one female friend who is very opinionated on certain topics)
To make a truce here, how about we all just put a "LowOrbit Warning Label" on our joke threads for you?
Wait a minute....Are you of the male gender?....That would explain more!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CA - I WIN!
2OAK ; So...you're the guy who writes all of the office humor jokes. I always wondered.Michele Weiner-Davis or Dobson has nothing on you. Really good stuff. I liked the RCIS Syndrome ( very funny). But, the chord that was really struck with me was the "......quit being melodramatic....". Melodramatic sums up in a word how I view my WW behavior. When she is around, I feel like I am in some Lifetime channel melodrama.
She has, in my opinion, won at least two academy awards for her performances this month alone. She is a phenomenal actress.
Thanks for the laughs.
Hey 2oak and you other Fws, would you ever consider sending an email on the behalf of the BS to a WS with a lovely list like that?! I ask this question b/c what if the WS has never gone on this site? 2oak, you and others say things that wouldn't even touch home if I tried. And when you are in a n/c mode then you know I couldn't send things like this that are amazing and should be passed on. Is this a bad idea? Don't beat me up if it is.
Thanks for bringing back Two of A Kind!
I miss him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> He has a great sense of humor. He always finds the perfect way to get his point across. He helped me a lot, sometimes saying things, I knew my husband felt but could not say. In fact, I read one of his postings that I felt summed up how my H felt to my H. He agreed that is how he felt but could not find the words. I think ToaK is what a lot of what BS want from their WS. He communicates how he feels about what he did, with the passion of man who truly feels devestated by the mistakes he has made and the pain he has cause J.
If he is still around, I would say thanks. Your time spent posting helped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Ok CA...you win, if that's important to you. You're right...I took this way too personal. Perhaps it really wasn't meant to portray WS's in a disrepectful manner.
Hey, screw me if I can't take a joke, right? It does no good to fight about this.
It hurt me. I know it wasn't meant to - it was all in fun - but it still stung.
I truly wish you all a wonderful evening.
<deep cleansing breath>
LowOrbit
boobyprize, I miss him too (but don't tell him that). He is busy these months in retail I'm told, but I "know" he is lurking now and then.
LowOrbit, I've already been doubting myself and contemplating appologizing. When I saw you had replied again, I read some other replies of yours to get a feel for your mood. You have very good advice to offer people here and I would not want anyone to loose you (not that I could possibly have that much impact on you - but I don't want to be a contributing factor if you ever did leave).
So here goes......I am sorry.....You have just as much right to voice your opinions as anyone else. I am sorry though that the joke offended you. This really wasn't my "usual" self, I don't think anyways. Call it temporary insanity which was kid induced along with fear of being without H this whole weekend, then three days next week, then all the following weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Can you forgive me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
ca
-----------
I am the FWW 40
H - 41
Daughter - 14, mild ADHD
Son - 7, extreme ADHD?
Married 17 years
D-Day 9/03
A began in 2000 w/ H's FBF
(only 5-6 times over 3 yr period)
Has been NC since before dday
<small>[ November 15, 2003, 05:10 AM: Message edited by: chocolate..addict ]</small>
Sure I can. But there's nothing to forgive, really. Its the nature of open forum message boards for people to be able to express themselves freely. It was my mistake for being so thin skinned. I was having a bad day as well.
All is ok...
Low
Just bumping this post up. It's one of my all-time favorites.
I miss 2OAK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
2ofaKind
You mean there there is another one like you out here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Are the rest of us safe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
very good post
H
Bump for those who could use it.
Well, this is just priceless. Thanks to whoever bumped it. Edited to say. Uh thanks to Trix. Good grief I am dense sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Funny read. Really put into perspective the "I don't know who I am or what I want" speech. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Bravo 2oak.
Tiggy
<small>[ March 12, 2005, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Tiggy ]</small>
Bump.
Man, how many times i had to hear some variation of my WW stating this and other adhoc rectal cranium diatribes.....
LTL