Has anyone else experienced a mean spirited EX? My STBXH has a order of protection against him which is good for 2 years. He is not supposed to call me, come to the house, come to my work...none of this. It's been a week since the OP was extended and he's called at least 3 times a day from payphones. When I hear his voice I immediately hang up. He's not supposed to be calling me. So when he can't reach me he calls my son and tells him things like "I'm going to shut off your cell, your sister's cell and your mom's cell" They are in his name, which he has every right to do, however, he's picking this week to do it because my son comes home from college friday, it's a 400+mile drive. He's trying to make sure I worry about car trouble or whatever with my son driving that distance. So he has since disabled our cell phones, that was supposed to happen at midnight tonight, however, they were dead by 5:00 p.m. (CST). Next he has suspended phone service to the house. I called and tried to have it switched to my name, but couldn't since he didn't disconnec the service, he just suspended it which means if I want a new phone number I have to have the house rewired with a new phone line, new phone jacks & everything which is very expensive. What happens if there is an emergency? With phone service suspended I cannot even call 911. I've tried to get a cell phone in my name, but he knows that because of a bankruptcy I filed 12+ years ago before he and I got married, I'd have to put down a large deposit for the phone. That's why they were in his name to begin with.

Anyone else go thru this? If you did how did you get things back in your name? No phone service is tough to swallow, not that I talk on the phone all the time, but to be on-line for anything, including my daughter doing homework, we have a dial up modem which requies a phone line. Since we cannot speak, all he would have had to do is have his attorney contact my attorney and put the home phone in my name. He could have done the same thing with the cell phones but he chose to be vindictive.

I'd appreciate any feedback as to how i should deal with this.

Hold on a minute - I'm confused. If all your phones have been disconnected, how are you getting online to post this?

Can you get the phone service un-suspended and put into your name? I'd try that if I were you. I would explain that you had no way to contact anyone without that phone service and see if they can give you permission to have a new line there.

What about having cable or DSL installed and then adding Voice Over IP (Internet phone service)? That would give you Internet access and phone service. When I got my cable I did not have to provide any credit checks.

Now, re: bankrupcy - I thought that disappeared from your record after 7 years. Did you try to get a cell phone? I'd try this again too.


Assuming none of the above work, I have no clue. Other than ask your lawyer to intervene immediately.

Sorry for all the trouble but I can suggest a couple things I did that fixed it...

First for the cell phone....

Go to T-Mobile, you can get a $39.99 a month plan with 600 minutes, unlimited long distance, nights and weekends free. The best part? No deposit no matter how bad your credit is. Go to a T-Mobile store, you'll be happy you did.

For the Utilities....

I called customer service and believe it or not, they can be VERY helpful. Pour it on and next thing you know...Bing, Bang, Boom...Utilities switched over to my name and old bills sent to the WWXW. She had been threatening to turn them off so I did it for her.

Home Phone and Internet service.....

This was where I couldn't get the phone company to switch over to me. No way, No how....not without the bill being paid (and I wasn't going to pay it) Soooooo....I let it go, it is in her name so she can turn it off or pay the bill or let it get shut off(what do I care?) , in your case he has suspended, either way is OK. Do you have cable TV? If not call your local company (adelphia, wide open west, whatever...I use wide open west) and they have packages where you get High Speed Internet, Cable TV and, Phone service for a very reasonable price.

I have 112 channels cable, 6mb per second Cable Internet (smokin'!), and Unlimited long distance, voice mail, 3-way calling, call forwarding, call waiting, and a bunch of other stuff I don't use for a grand total of.....Ta Da!

$104.99 a month!

Hope this helps in some way Dana

RebornMan

ps- if you decide to use wide open west let me know because I'll get $50 off my bill if you use me as a reference.....hey I like to save whenever I can <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I didn't think the bankruptcy would still be on your record either. Can you contact your attorney about this? I know it costs a gazillion dollars an hour but he shouldn't, morally - which is altogether different from legally, be able to get away with all of this.

In my support order during my legal separation, my then stbx was required to pay half of my local telephone service in as much as he moved out yet he wanted to talk to the children daily.

Deja VU is right - Bankruptcy drops off completely after 10 years - like you never filed. Plus, after 2 years, you can get all the credit you want - mortgage, credit cards, you name it you get it. I know - I've been there.
Now as for the phone - simple you do NOT have to have all that crap put into the house. Just call the phone company and have them run another line to your house - a second line sort of, but it will be in your name and explain you're going thru a divorce. When the phone tech gets to your house, just have him DISCONNECT outside (a simple phone jack on the outside box) the old phone line and he will plug your NEW line into it - no need for new jacks and all that crap. We've had a second phone line put in before and it's pretty simple. The Cable Modem VOIP (voice over internet) is a good idea, the only drawback is, you can't dial 911 in an emergency - don't know why but that's how it is with internet phone. And cable modem or dsl is like $29 a month - we have cable modem and it's $29 a month but you have to also pay for basic broadcast channels - usually an additional $15 but if you already have cable, you would not have to pay the extra channels since you already would get them.
Vindictive EX? Yep. Still as hateful, stoopit, vindictive, ugly, mean, revengeful, and NASTY as she ever was... nearly 7 years later. Will she ever change? Nope. Do I care? Nope. Let me say that feelings such as hers only EAT HER UP and damage her health, not mine - I could not care any less about her than I do now. Peeps like her (and your ex) live their lives in misery coz they spend so much time trying to 'get back' at the ones they 'think' have wronged them.
Hope this helps.
Harold

I would also be letting the police know how he is still abusing you in spite of the OP. This will not stand with the judge well at all. He could find his fine little fanny in the slammer for a while while he considers all possible meanings of the phrase NO CONTACT!

I agree, call the police. In Minnesota, the no contact order is taken both literally and very seriously. How do i know? My XWW is mean spirited. You see, in MN (and I would suspect most states) anyone can go in and apply for and OFP. If the allegations are bad enough most judges will approve a temp order and sort the details out at a hearing... which is usually up to the respondant (person being served) to request. Generally that leaves a period of time when a temp order is active... usually about a week or so before a hearing can be scheduled. So here is what happened to me. XWW claimed I was repeatadly harrassing her and that she felt threatened. Judge signed off on temp order and I got served in the middle of my sons 5th birthday party. Both the order and the Sherrif's deputy serving the order stated that in this particular order, all that was prohibited was harrassing contact. The only box the judge checked was no harrassing behaviour. Which was fine with me as I have never hasrrassed her anyway! None of the no contact boxes were checked. Fastforward to 9:00 that night and the kids want to call mom to say goodnight. I dial and happen to be reading the order when she answers. I say hello, how was your day... she says fine, how was yours. Then I gave the phone to the kids. No kidding... it was literally 10 seconds of contact.. non threatening and non harrassing. What did it get me? 12 hours in jail. The DA dropped the charges the next morning, but the cops let XW come and get the kids in the middle of the night and I got hauled to jail.

Point being two fold:

1) If he is ignoring the order, call the police... that's what the order was supposed to prevent. He is not above the law.

2) To answer your opening question, YES! I have experienced a mean spirited STBX. Phsyco too.

One other quick thing...

Go to Wal-Mart and get a $35.00 pre paid cell phone. No credit issues and you have phone service in minutes. You don't even have to wait until tomorrow morning if you don't want. Problem solved.

If you have a cable modem, there are phone services such as Vonage that offer Voice Over IP. Most homes are wired with a network interface box. That is the line where the phone company says you own the wiring downstream of the box.

(So no, you wouldn't have to rewire the home, and I really doubt you would need to get a new line run to that box if you wanted POTS Plain Old Telephone Service run to your home.)

But the cell phone idea is a good one as well, you can just get a good cell plan and use that instead of POTS.

T

thanks to all of you. The question was if I didn't have phone service how did i post? I went to a friends house to make some phone calls and she graciously let me get on line for a little while.

My Order of Protection is what they call a plenary - already had the temporary which was good for 2 weeks, the plenary is good for 2 years. apparently he is of the opinion that it is for any one but him and that by calling me from pay phones there would be no way to track him. He had been calling my now disfunctional cell phone and when I'd answer and hear it was him, I'd immediately hang up, because if I engage in conversation with him, then I too violate the order of protection and I'm not going to do that for anything.

I have to wonder, do the mean spirited ex's ever give up and get tired of trying to wreak havoc in the lives of their ex's? Wouldn't you think that they could find better things to do, like get on with their own lives, rather than annoy us?

Why did you get an order of protection if you aren't going to enforce it?

It depends on how much of an [censored] they make of themselves... especially in Court. Took my ex-wife 6 years to finally give up on me.. although she never misses a chance to screw with our kids whenever she can.
But.. that's HER problem - not mine. I would focus on YOURSELF and your dear children.
Only my experience with HATEFUL persons..
Harold

My STBXH ibeing a jerk too. I would go let the police know he's harrassing you and then go get a cell phone in your own name. Change everything into your name.....

It makes me so angry that these WS think they can control everything. They are the one's that chose to leave so can't they just dissappear? UUggghhhh!!

Good luck!!!

For the record, why did I get the order of protection if I wasn't going to enforce it? Well since he is calling from payphones and his cell phone getting a definate location is tough. I have notified the local police and that is what I was told. I was told that since he called from a pay phone by the time the police would get there he would most likely be gone, and calling from his cell he could be any where. They have noted all the complaints and my attorney has informed his attorney. We go back to court on the 24th of this month.

I am not having any contact with him what-so-ever. I do not speak when he calls, since he's cut off our home phone he can't call me there. I did try to get a cell phone in my name, however, those of you who think that the bankruptcy automatically drops off your record after 10 years better check again. It's been 12 years and it's still showing up on mine. I can't get anything other than a prepaid without a huge deposit. Now the only number anyone can call me at is work for right now. I'm not seeing him, I want no contact, I'm following the rules of the OP. Like I said I have reported it to the police and the complaints are on file. They have to catch him. Yes we can get the phone records thru the phone company for the payphones if needed.

The games he's playing are stressful not only on me but on my children as well (no they aren't his children).

Dana,

Order the cable package I talked about for your home...cable, internet and home phone all in one.

Did you try T-Mobile?

Sorry to hear that. AS USUAL, the peeps at the Credit Reporting Agencies are NOT doing their job, so you have to DO IT FOR THEM, like I did 2 years ago. Get their snail-mail address, get a copy of your Discharge Papers, then copy it and enclose a nice little letter reminding them that Bankruptcy drops off after 10 years, not 12 and they NEED to UPDATE your file. Give it about 3 months - they'll fix it.
Harold

Rebornman: Yes I did get the prepaid cell phone. Thanks for the tip. I have also called our cable company about getting a cable modem installed. It'll be sometime next week, they are pretty busy! So I came to the library today to get on line.

What about trying to tape your x's calls? Even if from a pay phone the voice recognition might be there. Taping may be illegal, but technically that's what an answering machine or voice mail does. Plus, the x might back off if he thinks that he's being taped for legal purposes. You wouldn't have to answer your phone in person. A pre-recorded message could inform all callers that you are screening all calls, that a message can be left, and you will return the calls as appropriate.

Caller I.D. could also help, in terms of answering or not.

The phone company in my area (Michigan)also has a plan where the calls can be screened as they come in. You can pre-set phone numbers that are automatically allowed through. (friends, relatives, etc.)and have all other calls go through your screening system. Someone makes a call to your home. The person calling is informed by a recording (I think a recording, it might be an answering service)that your calls are being screened. The caller is asked to state their name. You find out whose calling as they make the call. You decide whether to accept or refuse the call. The caller is asked to hold until you answer or refuse the call. I have no idea what this feature costs. I have been at the caller end of this service and experienced it.

And yes, bankruptcy is to be totally removed from all records at least at the 10 year point...and I'm thinking that it may be as early as 7 years. I filed a couple of years ago when I was left with all the debt in divorcing my x. And your right about trying to get services!! Up front payment...total amount...highest prices!!!

Good luck...don't let the so-and-so get you down!

I know for a fact that credit bureaus keep things they are not supposed to. In these cases you can force them to remove them. One of these is keeping records of expired deliquencies - like your bankrupcy. Another is if you dispute the claims of a creditor, and that creditor cannot produce records to substantiate the claim - they HAVE to remove it.

How to get these off? That's another story - I wrote on one of Lordslady's posts earlier today with suggestions for how to get help with getting credit records fixed. But if there is an erroneous report you have to pursue it, because if you don't, nobody will.

Heartmending has a great idea about screening all calls. And.. why should you have to give him your new number? Nobody says you have to - you just tell him if he needs to contact you, then for him to use your lawyer.You can give the number out to friends and family you KNOW won't pass it along to him - no sense getting harrassed by him on your new number, coz you KNOW he will do it! And good for you about getting broadband - welcome to the wonderful world of ALWAYS ONLINE - you'll love it! And DejaVu is exactly right on getting credit agencies to remove info if the creditor can't prove it.
Pursue it.
They're all online.
Experian.com is one.
You can Google the rest. I believe there are three major ones, Experian, TransUnion, and Equifax. Do not fall for the BULL 'we can repair your credit' line - only you can do that. They're a scam.
I wish you the best.
Harold

Just out of curiosity Dana, why did you get an OFP in the first place? What actions on his part led to you requiring protection?

I only ask because I am in a similar spot... kind of. I mentioned earlier that I have gotten served with OFP papers from my XWW. I did nothing wrong. I have only tried to maintain a relationship with my kids. XWW doesn't seem to want that. I thnk she just wants me to go away. I'm not going away... those are my kids too, and they need their dad. But, she gets angry when I try to be involved and she goes and files an order. Or, in the last case, she barged into MY house and wouldn't leave. So, I helped her back across the threshold. She got P*SSED and went to the police. The judge said I was out of order.... HUH!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Don't take this the wrong way Dana,'cause I'm really not trying to pick on you, but you were the WS... one could understand why your XH would be angry with you. Granted, he ought to eventually work thru those feelings and move on with his life... but one could understand his anger. That said, you shouldn't have to live in fear either. Thus the question, what did he do?

I realize that being the WS my H had every right to be angry with me, however, there is a history of physical abuse going back almost 12 years. I got the OP because he put his hands on me for the last time. I had always threatened to do it before but I was afraid that it would make him more angry. This time was the last straw. I don't care how angry you are at someone, that gives no one any right to physically touch anyone in an angry manner. Enough was enough. It was not the first time he hit me but it definately was the very last. No matter what one has done, no one deserves to be physically, emotionally or verbally abused. No one, not even a WS.

Agreed, and I never claimed otherwise. However, from the tone of one of your previous posts it struck me as though perhaps you were using the systems to end contact because the contact itself made you uncomfortable... not necessarily due to any threatening action on his part. I appologize if I was wrong. Like I said, i wasn't trying to pick on you.

You see, I am on the other side of the coin here. In the last 15 months my XW has filed for 5 OFP's, 3 of which I have been served with, and 1 that was finally granted. The grounds of which, I felt were completely obsurd... I can't imagine what that judge was thinking when he made that ruling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have done nothing wrong. I have never threatened her, never abused her, and the only time I ever laid a hand on her was to help her out the door because she IS NOT allowed in my home. She came in un-invited and wouldn't leave. Over that 15 months though, she has called the police on numerous occasions to try and have me arrested. Usually the cops tell her to go and pound sand.... they can see how evil she is. However, once early on, they did arrest me. 12 hours I spent in jail before the county attorney dropped the charges... stating that I was erroniously taken into custody and that I didn't do anything wrong. XW calls me whenever she wants, she has contact with me whenever SHE sees fit... but she will call the police at the drop of a hat if she gets upset. In addition, she tries to enlist the services of the battered women's shelter whenever possible... AND THEY HELP HER! I can't get over that one. I have never, ever harmed one hair on that woman's head and that advocacy group will just take her word for it without any proof, or any evidence of any kind. They just assume "Well... if she's saying it... it must be true..."

Sorry to go off on a rant there... but you can get a feel for my synical view of OFP's and how they are issued and enforced. At least around here.

I'm sorry for your past pain and suffering. If he is as you say, then by all means, have that order enforced to the hilt.

Take care and God bless.

WMWB - apology accepted. I know that you weren't trying to pick on me you just wanted to understand why I got the OP. After hearing your story I can understand why you'd question it. This was the very first time in 12 years that I finally stood up for myself with my H. The first 2 years we were married he drank heavily, and he would come home and take it out on me. I used to lie about the bruises. I was too embarrassed, afraid and ashamed to admit what was going on in my home. My children knew what the truth was, but I didn't want anyone else to know. I didn't want to think that I made a mistake by marrying my H. To his credit he quit drinking cold turkey, no AA, no support group nothing. He's been sober 10 years this october. However, he still has a temper and will go off at the littlest thing. For years we all have walked on pins & needles trying not to set him off. Since he quit drinking the physical is less often, but it has still happened. The verbal and the emotional seemed to step up quite a bit. It is not at all uncommon for me to be called stupid, worthless, a waste of time.

Anyhow, on April 19th, that was the last straw. He had grabbed my face so hard he left a bruise under my right eye, threatened to f*(king kill me right there and spit on me. I finally had enough. I was tired of ignoring what was happening, I was tired of being blamed for absolutely everything that had ever gone wrong in our M. I was tired of never knowing if I'd say the wrong thing and set him off. I'd had it. I called the police and the next day went and filed for the OP. Never had I ever done this, it's not a good feeling, but I'm protecting myself. I'm not using the legal system for personal profit, I'm not fabricating the events, the judge saw the pictures that were taken, he heard my testimony, my H's testimony and the testimony of a long time family friend that had witnessed previous incidents.

Now since my H can't come to the house he's sending his son to threaten me. It seems to be a never ending battle with his family. I'm the one that's wrong because he's not in OUR house. He's justified in abusing me (and he did the same thing to his first wife and previous girlfriends) because "he has buttons that can be pushed". We all have buttons that can be pushed, but again there is no justification to hurt someone just because your buttons have been pushed.

I hope this answered your questions. I apologize for the length of the response.

I know some women (and men too) can get OP's for all the wrong reasons, I got mine for the right reasons. Yes I should have done it a long time ago, however, in less you are in an abusive relationship it's hard to understand why it takes someone so long to finally get out. It's not that easy when you're in an abusive relationship. Your selfesteem is so low, you just get so used to being beat down, you truly think that there is no way out and that this is all you deserve. NO matter what anyone tells you, YOU have to be ready, YOU have to have reached bottom, had enough.....I'm an educated, smart, working mother of 2, I thought I would never be in this situation, it can happen to anyone, rich, poor, educated, non-educated. Abuse has no boundaries, no age limits or economic limits. It's wrong, it's hurtful and it can destroy both men and women.