For better or worse.
I ask this question to those who have been divorced or separated for awhile.
I’ve already noted a lot of changes. Instead of being on my computer all the time I’ve started being outgoing and socializing, much to my WW’s shock. I’ve also started eating healthier and exercising.
During our marriage I lost contact with most of my friends, now I’m reconnecting with them and trying to make more. It seems the things that my WW always wanted me to do (be more outgoing) I'm actually doing now in earnest. A little too late in the game of course, but now I do it for myself.
My divorce should be finalized at the end of the month. I’m not sure if the changes from the last few months will continue or not but I hope that they will. It will be interesting to look back in a year's time.
Well I have been divorced 5 years come December 05, and I think I have changed. I am stronger, I talk about what is bothering me, which I didnt use to do and that was one of our major problems. I am a busy mom to 2 kids that I think I am doing a pretty good job of raising.....
oh and I a BROKE!!!! LOL
Well, I've been seperated for a year now and will be divorced very soon... (finally)
It has changed me in many ways.
1. I don't mind being alone anymore.
2. Don't trust anyone.
3. Spend more alone time with my son.
4. BROKE
5. I look at relationships totally different now. For better and worse.
6. Has me wondering if love really exists and will I ever find it.
7. Did I mention I was BROKE... lol
I tend to say I've become the "old" me again, the one I used to really enjoy being back in college and the years after college before I was married...
- more outgoing
- smile a whole lot more
- more willing to strike up conversations, even with people I don't know, like on an elevator and such
other things:
- still a bit obsessive about the marriage, divorce, and what went wrong, mainly because I really didn't get any answers from my XH.. I had been asking him for years what was wrong, and he insisted nothing was. This one is getting to be less of a problem over time though.
- My ability to concentrate is not at all what it was.
- Oh, and I actually have an EASIER time making ends meet; my financial situation vastly improved once he moved out.
* I am comfortable being alone and now often find it preferrable. Sometimes I just enjoy being silent and still or just piddling in the garden and don't want to be disturbed or have interaction with others.
* Now think it's perfectly fine to come home, have a bite to eat, lite a fire and do absolutely nothing else.
* My house is more tidy. I'm a better housekeeper.
* I make very good money, but when married, we always seemed to be transferring money from savings to checking. I assumed that it was going to be a financial struggle for me, since I was loosing a significant amount of household income and saw my tax liability increase by over $1200/mo. On top of that the refinance of the house increased my mortgage payment by $250. I assumed that a good bit of belt tightening was going to be needed. What I've found is that I actually have much more money at the end of the month and my savings are growing rapidly. The only reason for this is that my ex was spending money like it was going our of style.
* I've paid off ALL my bills. The only thing I owe money on now is my house. I no longer have credit cards and pay cash for everything. I keep a small line of credit with my bank for emergencies.
* I've bought great new furniture and works of art, and have started making my house MY home that reflects MY tastes.
* I have no problem now telling someone when they've stepped over the line with me and to let them know I won't tolerate it.
* Being alone on holidays really isn't bad at all.
* Home is still better than anywhere else.
* I still hate eating alone, and have to force myself to do this. I still won't do any major cooking for myself beyond a pot of soup or somethng on Sundays. But I love to cook, so I will invite friends over and put on a spread for them from time to time.
* I sometimes cring when a woman enters my personal space.
* I'm still a homebody and have no desire to be out running the streets to combat the loneliness I sometimes feel. In fact, I don't like being away from home at night at all anymore. This is going to be a major impediment to dating -- it I ever go there again.
* Currently don't care if I ever fall in love again.
* While I still greatly enjoy sex, I'm no longer consumed with the burning desire for it. Unlike in younger days, I can't imagine going out and seeking sex for sex's sake.
* my sense of humor has returned. I laugh a lot again.
A mix bag, but not as bad as I had expected.
I've been seperated almost a year now. The divorce has been finalized 3 months ago. Life is good!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No more issues of disfunctional selfish behavior (from xWW ofcourse).
Been hitting the gym and gained 20lbs in 6 months. That's because I had a bad case of an infidelity diet.
Have taken Salsa dance classes for 6 months, and I can actually get away with dancing at a Salsa Club now. At first it was the hardest thing to concentrate on when your in that state of depression, yet you HAVE to continue your quest for self improvement.
New wardrobe, new car, new hair style... I know it's quite materialistic and shallow, but heck, it was a temporary upper. I went from being the ultimate giver to just taking care of myself. Which is a nice change and takes some time to get adjusted to. Try it out, you'll really like it after awhile lol.
Now, the fear of relationships really is a doozey. For one, your a bit lonely, yet you are hellatiously fearful of emotional pain. As a man, you have to exude cheerfulness and confidence and that's hard to lie and hide. So take your time with this. Once you become truely stable and confident and work on yourself, you'll see more women becoming attacted to you.
It just takes time, so hang in there.
Seoulman
I'm a much happier person now and appreciate the truly wonderful parts of life - mostly my children. I am more thankful for the good, and less judgemental (although I still am with X).
I have less money, but am more comfortable since I have control, and X spent only on himself.
I continue to work on improving my communication and interpersonal skills & have seen progress in all areas (except with X who still won't communicate).
I am much more relaxed and don't stress the small stuff.
OK, so I forgot to check the oil and ran out this week, it was only two days of cold showers. (If the oil guy hadn't called it might have been much longer).
I have friends that I can see and spend quality time with and my kids have friends and neighbors they enjoy.
I had lost myself while married. I am quite content now.
Although I could use a dose of the nesting syndrome, because I have no incentive to finish my house renovations.
(X didn't do things in the old house, so I'm certainly not missing him here). I'm just not motivated to renovate, and I've decided that's OK too.
I think the kids notice the more relaxed person I've become, and I strive to improve their lives. I seem to get all the emotional outbursts from them, and I try to teach them communication skills and develop boundaries with them too.
I am very blessed in my life, and until I divorced, I didn't realize it.
Divorce has made me giddy at times. It's been 8 months now that it became official. I enjoy being by myself more now without the pressure of always having to do something, not because it was fun, but because it was something to do. I've reconnected with my college buddies and I'm trying to make new friends that are good for me, not just anybody. I still have some trust issues with women and that stems from me really not wanting to get hurt again. I also don't tolerate any of the BS that I used to from people that I don't really care about. I know now that I don't have to get along with everybody and and I trust that things will work out in the end.
I think the best thing that's happened to me since my divorce is that I believe in myself more now and I know what to look for in people.
One more thing, while I was married, I knew how to play the guitar. Now, I'm play the drums.
My divorce is not yet final but, I find myself taking better care of myself now then when I was with my STBX.
It seems to me that I spent most of my time doing the things he wanted the way he wanted me to do them.
Now, I'm doing things I like for me. I took advise from Daybreak and wrote down the things I wanted to change in my life and everyday I try to check something off.
I won't say that I don't have my bad days but for the must part I'm doing ok.
I'm seeing a more confident, self assured me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Only
Hi TreeReich, I hope your remember me, we talked a year ago. Im getting divorced also.
Now, the burning question, how has divorced changed me?
l. I cant beleive I made it through a year, I have come so far. Last year this time I thought i would die.
2. The independance is great.
3. I am me now, not someones wife.
4. I feel so strong and in control of things because I had too.
5. Finally I feel now that things happen for a reason.
6. I am in charge of the household now and love the challenge of that responsibility, even as difficult it is at times.
AND YES I TOO AM ALSO BROKE
PS. Its good to back here at MB again.
A/C0810
I've been separated over a year, divorced now 6 months. Many of the things already touched on are similar to what I've noticed!
-happy, smiling, laughing
-rediscovering who I am, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, boundaries
-no bills, no wondering where the $ went
-taking care of myself, exercising and eating right (this time for ME, not for him)
-discovering my style - painting the house unwhite, life is meant to be lived in color!
-can put a nail in the wall and hang a picture without guilt
I'm working on bringing the wall down, and trust is still an issue, but time and patience are on my side.
The divorce was final 4.5 years ago; separation almost two years before that. Although some of my acquaintances have been impressed that I got a masters degree and a job in a new field after my H left, the effects of the divorce have been uniformly negative.
No money, as others have said, is a huge issue. It has affected every aspect of my family's lives.
I miss everything about my former life. Everything that was so important to us, such as raising the kids on a farm, has been destroyed. My youngest doesn't even remember.
I miss having a partner to raise my kids with. I miss my partner, period.
I hate the fact that, except for the kids and my one sibling (who doesn't even live in the same country), I have no real family. I even miss my H's aunt and uncle.
Yes, I have friends, but almost every close friend I have ever had has moved away, often far away, like across the country.
As someone else said, I trust no one anymore. I had no idea of the extent of evil in the world before the divorce - not only infidelity, but since the divorce I have become far more aware of the extent of evil completely unrelated to my situation as well. Just as an example, in the next town, a small one, two teachers have been arrested in the last couple of years for sexually assaulting their students.
I could sum up the changes by saying that before the divorce, I believed that the majority of people were basically reasonably good, and I no longer believe that.
Nellie,
I have to agree with everything you wrote. I have been divorced now 3 years-separated four. I still wake up feeling shock that this has happened to my family and have trouble sleeping because the reality is, this did happen to my family.
Tomorrow my two youngest are leaving on vacation with my ex and his mistress/bride to Florida. They get to go vacation for a week.
I didn't have money to vacation this summer. I spent the summer taking the kids to all of their activities, paying for their camps..doing basketball, swimming, soccer, baseball and softball...and golf too.
I have had to buy replacement windows for our home to the tune of almost $16,000. I have had to pay car payments for the girls when they haven't been able to pay theirs.
In the meantime, my ex owes me close to $26,000. I spent the month of July preparing to take him back to court in September. Not a fun summer....I go back to work tomorrow---to stress I don't know if I can handle this year. I feel empty inside.
I am struggling finacially, emotionally and physically. I feel like my life is one big treadmill...and it is not going to get any better soon.
I continually have to answer to false accusations, assumptions and outright lies from my ex. He is still trying to convince everyone that he had to do what he did.....his rationalizations are getting worse....and how he has re-written history would be almost comical if it wasn't so tragic.
I miss having my spouse...someone to raise the kids with. I miss having my partner. I miss having the flexiblity of being able to switch positions when I know I am burned out from dealing with special service kids. I miss what used to be my family for 21 years. I miss support...with my mother gone now...I am on my own.
I need a lot of prayers right now...because I feel like there is no future. It is really depressing.
Our old friends were in town this weekend and they all met for dinner. I am not included in that stuff anymore--I think it is too awkward for everyone. It is sad.
I feel like a ship without a rudder...everything I believed in is gone. I should be traveling, retiring, enjoying the kids activities. When school starts again this week---I won't have time for anything.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I hate what divorce has done to me...and the kids. [color:"blue"] [/color]
I've been separated over 2 years. I'm hoping my divorce will be done in short order.
Big changes...
I have ENERGY! STBX said "If only you had this energy and did these projects while we were together." He'll never get that I used all my energy just trying to survive and stay married to him.
I laugh and smile again. Life is indeed beautiful, and now I get to enjoy it.
I have a home I can enjoy and relax in.
I have less money, but less stress. STBX's business model involved writing checks for inventory when he expected to get payments in the mail in time to cover the checks.
I have less housework.
My children haev better manners and are more willing to help out. They better understand about being a contributing member of the family.
I'm getting better at telling STBX to kiss off. Recent example, B. had the nerve to tell me that my runner bean was out of control and pushing up through the eaves and under the roof. I've been watching the vine and it's not strong enough to get under the roof. More than that, B's got crumbling walls and a ceiling that appears to be caving in. Oh, and mold. It's his parents farm house and hasn't had the work it needs in years, but B has been there for two years and still hasn't done anything on it. I said that I had a hard time accepting direction about how to care for my house when he lived like he did. He blustered and said it wasn't his fault the farm was like it was.
I realize that just because I was not reason enough for Bill to change, I'm still a valuable person.
movinoninmo,
I can identify with much of your post as well. I think one of the worst parts is the rewriting history.
I can relate to the loosing contact with friends thing. I lost contact with all my friends
Mostly because of her.
I was seperated for over a year and a half. D has been final about a month and a half.
I have a real life now. I have new friends, and I am no longer stressed about what I will get in trouble for when I get home.
I must admit that after a year and a half of supporting her, the kids and the house 100% while trying to get myself by, D day was the biggest financial relief that I have ever had
WIWH
Well, guess I will take a stab at this. I'm not quite divorced yet, but have been going through this stuff for almost 3 years.
Our children (6 his, 2 mine) are out of the house, and I think that makes a huge difference. When there are still dependent children, it is much harder.
I'll hit the high points first - I no longer have to cook breakfast, pack a lunch, and make dinner for my husband. In fact sometimes I don't cook at all.
I can check out events happening around town, and know that I am free to go if I choose. When I was married, everything had to be agreed upon with him. Consequently, I gave up doing lots of things that I love.
Since he has been gone, I have gone to Mexico, taken a trip to Washington, gone SCUBA diving, horsebackriding, boating, fishing, to an art events, the county fair, the horse races, out dancing, to the jazz festival on Catalina Island, out with friends, did volunteer lots of volunteer work - with the casualties back from Fallujah, homeless women, farmworkers, and hospice.
I have started my own business, been promoted at work, taken classes, learned Spanish, spent more time with my sons, camping, hiking, and going on weekend trips. I do more with my friends - eating out, going places, etc, than I ever did before.
Sometimes I stay up all night, and sleep all day. I spend my money on things that I want to spend it on, not on what he wants.
Now, the low point - NO SEX. And the sad thing is that SF with WH was not that great - about a 2 on the scale from 1 to 10. But at least it was something. So I think that is going to be my main battle. How to move on, meet someone else, and not fall immediately into the sack.
Timn420,
First off, great subject. A real therapy for all of us out there who, although we're pro-marriage, are also realistic enough to recognise there's a brighter light away from our old relationship.
For me, not as well off and less time with my daughter than I'd like. But on the whole...WHEW!!! More confidence, no more insults, threats, emotional coldness (towards me) and no more attempts at controlling my contact with my birth family. On the whole, I've ended up with a much better deal.
Divorce has not changed me. It has helped me find the person I tucked neatly away when I got married and tried to fit into the neat littl box my X tried to put me in. Honestly I would have stayed there not knowing I lost myself... forever.... if he hadn't been so unfaithful, cruel, and dishonest.
I have been divorsed for 2 years now. Left my H when my baby girl was 8 weeks old after 3 years of affairs and 13 empty promises.
We never really see what is happening to us and around us until we take a step out of the ring and look in. Even then it takes quite sometime to really see the big picture.
Be true to yourself. Take some time to sit back and be still for a while and just "see" your surroundings.
Oh and one big thought about life after divorse.. "I think dating is harder than marraige sometimes."
Although I have not left yet I feel it will not be long now. My WW had a LTA which has destroyed everything I believed in, love, trust and so on. I have been reading the post here trying to get some idea of what it will be like when I leave. I see some that have faired very well and it gives me some hope, but I see others that have not. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for posting and keep posting the good and the bad because I know now this thing called life has many good and bad turns in it.
I have more emphaty.
Less opinionated... or at least, I keep my opinions to myself whilst talking to morons and idiots!! :-)
I am able to do what I like -- without the ackwardness of X being there, not enjoying what I enjoy, like being able to attend Sunday sermon without him yawning, fidgeting, excusing himself for a pee or a smoke.
Last night TWO friends told me I seem much happier and more relaxed. If that's true, I can't WAIT until the D is finally over and I can really relax!
It has been 2 plus years since my seperation, and I am SO MUCH HAPPIER!
My X used to sit in his recliner, clicking that darn remote control, and drinking beer all night long. I would literally come home from work, kiss him hello first - I had to make sure I always greeted him first becuase he always accused me of putting the kids first ahead of him, so I went out of my way to try to put him first. I would make dinner, and actually serve him dinner in his chair. I would bring him a plate, and a TV tray. Then I would serve the kids and I, and I would sit on the couch and visit with him while we ate. I did that for years. In spite of that, he still told me that OW put him first in her life, above everything else, and I never did that for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
He also read porn magazines in the living room, in front of the kids. He used foul language - even screamed the F word at me several times in front of the kids. In spite of all that I spent about 6 months fighting for my M. But I can look back now, and realize that I like my life so much more without the porn, and the swearing.
He has re-written history so many times, that no one believes a word he says any longer. I even said to him once, about a year ago "Do even YOU believe the crap that comes out of your mouth anymore?" to which he answered "no." I said "good, cause I don't believe it either, so don't waste my time with it anymore."
I have recently married a WONDERFUL man. A christian, who doesn't drink, doesn't swear, and doesn't look at porn.
I am not trying to pass any judgements here about drinking, swearing, or porn. But after years of living with someone who did these things on a daily basis, it is so nice to be free from it all. My new H never calls me names, doesn't get drunk and puke all over my car, and I never walk into the bedroom to see him sitting in bed looking at porn instead of visiting with me.
My new H treats me with respect - and the SF is better than I have ever had before! I feel so loved, and respected, and protected now that it just overflows in my life.
Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that the reason my life is so good now is becuase I am married again. My life was good before I met my new H. I was doing things for me. I was singing in the church choir again, which I loved (I had given it up before becuase my X kept insiting that I needed to put him first in my life, and said that going to choir pracitce once a week was taking time away from him)
When I would hear about a new restaurant opening in town, I would call a friend, and we would go check it out.
When my Dad moved to Canada, I took a week off work and drove up there to visit him.
My X continues to try to slander my good name. He tells people that I was a horrible wife, too controlling, not affectionate enough, blah blah blah. Guess what I do? I live the best life I can! I reach out to people when they need help, I support my childrens activites, you name it. I do not sit back and feel sorry for myself for all I have lost. I get out there and seek the things that I want for my life.
and through all of that, a wonderful man came into my life, and saw how much fun I was having,and said "I want to be part of that."
I was terrifed to be a divorced woman. I never believed it would happen to me. But it did. In spite of all his issues, I would have stayed M to my XH anyway, just to avoid being divorced, but he insisted on Divorcing me so he could move on, so it happened anyway. I was ashamed for awhile. But then I decided to just live the best life I could.
As Dr Phil says, the best revenge that we can have against our X's is a life well lived.