Hello All-
Haven't been on here in a long time. I have been divorced a little over 2 years now. I am 39 and my ex just turned 30. We have a 5 1/2 year old daughter. I have always wanted to get along with her, but it seems she is still bitter. She does play the "control" game with our daughter. She sees nothing she does as being wrong. I do let her push the buttons and of course I over react.

I have dated alot the last 2 years, but have never found that "special" someone. I know she has dated (unsuccesfully) too. No matter what has happened I know in my heart I still love her very much...and always will. Our anniversary just went by. I even called her on her birthday and wished her "happy Birthday".

She seems to really hate me, but others think it shows she still cares or she wouldnt still be so darn mad at me.

Anyway, I found out she is moving back to Omaha from Des Moines soon!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited, because of my daughter. I do have to say I am also excited because my ex is moving closer to me (yes, I live in Omaha).

My question is....what (if anything) can I do to "try" to let her see the new me. Her idea is "things were so bad she shouldve never married me in first place", but things were good too. I learned so much, but we havent been close enough for her to see that. Is there anything I can do to court her again....bring back the twinkle or feelings in her heart or is it gone? Good thing is...she has no one right now. She is 30, works alot and raises a 5 1/2 year old.

Any ideas or comments would be appreciated! Redhat....you still prowling around on here?

Alan

Oh, I can't touch this one. My x is so angry and nasty that, just today, I decided that, even though I am divorced from him, it would suit me just fine to be able to double-dog-dare-divorce him right now!

I do hope that your x isn't like mine. We have been divorced about 7 years and he has yet to move past his anger and he still doesn't know that no one has died and made him god. Maybe I'll get lucky and he will move to Omaha, too!

My X hasn't moved past anger either, but I think if you focus on the Emotional Needs and avoiding Lovebusters you my find a better relationship.

If you know what her key EN's are, then work on those as a divorced person.
For example, family committment is important to me. My X doesn't attend any school events. I think this is important for both parents to attend. Since you'll be in the same city now, you can participate in school events, holidays and birthdays more than before.
Single parenthood is hard, so offer help as in taking your DD while your X gets settled (if X needs and wants the time). Again, it is based on the person's top EN's, not yours.

Either way, you'll have more opportunity to spend with your child, which is always a good thing.

While I agree with newly about offering to help watch your daughter, I would like to add that if your ex thinks you are trying to take "her" daughter away, she might see the offer to watch your daughter as a negative thing.

Whatever you do - don't ask for a reduction in child support in conjunction with the additional time unless you want to start a court battle.

Converse with your ex about your daughter. Tell her a little about new activities. Offer to introduce her to your new friends or join in an activity with a group of friends. Ask her if she would attend church with you and daughter. Bring over a small gift of something not personal (perfume is personal) that she might be interested in. A CD of a band she enjoys, a book, a clipping from a local paper or magazine, an article or information on a hobby or interest...

Then you say "gee ex I know how much you like "bare naked ladies" and when I saw their CD on sale I got two thinking you might want one also". Or "gee ex I saw this quilting bee for the community advertised and I thought you might like to know when they are meeting"...

V.

AA, does she hate you with cold disdain or with a passion? There's a big difference. It will be much harder to overcome the first one.

I suggest you take it very slowly. Work at being friends first and good coparents. Don't pester her and don't put pressure on her.

There are some "friendly" no-pressure ways you can win points. Bring her a pre-prepped meal when she moves in so that all she has to do is heat it up. Don't stay for dinner though.

Volunteer to take over your daughter's doctor's appointments or dentist appointments so your X won't always have to take off work. This also gives you time with your daughter.

There are probably a lot of little things including listening to her.

Well, stop letting her push your buttons. You obviously know what they are, so practice not letting them get to you. If she sees that you no longer get angry, she is more likely to change. It's a start.

MY wife is the same way. She is mad at me wont talk to me not even for her son.we are now separated for 14 months and in that time we did start talking more than, gone she stopped and gives me the i hate you attitude. She said she wanted divorce in dec but hasnt filed so maybe there is still hope i dont know

AA,

If I recall correctly your XW filed a RO against you way back when. Does she continue to maintain the order?

Whatever the circumstances were that prompted the RO in the past, I would make every effort to avoid them again. Your XW seems to still maintain a dislike (major understatement?) for you and may not take too kindly to your increased involvement in her life again.

I don't recall if you posted your post divorce sitch. Do you have custody arrangement?