This will be the third Christmas since my STBXW moved out. The last two holidays I had STBX come over to my house and we had a day just like we did when we were together.

Last year I felt uncomfortable with it, it just seemed like I was holding on to the past and I felt like I was giving the kids the wrong impression about how things were. I felt like I was giving them false hopes about the future.

My STBX just called and wanted to know if I wanted to go shopping for the holidays today and put some things on lay-away. It's got me thinking about all this again. I don't like the idea of doing the holiday the same way again and I'm not sure if it's a legitimate concern or if I am simply wanting to make her face what she has done by making her plan her own holiday with the kids.

Sooner or later the holiday will have to be split. One or both of us is going to be with someone else at some point and then this arrangement will no longer work. Should I just wait until that time comes or go ahead and get it over with now?

Thanks,
starman

starman,

I would say that you sharing holidays, birthdays and special events with your children as a whole family is a positive thing.

I understand your feeling that you don't want to be giving the children the wrong impression. You can address this with them by telling them that although Mom and Dad want to do family things together with them, that it doesn't mean that Mom and Dad are going to get back together.

It is entirely possible that you can still have holidays together even after either of you have found other spouses. Have you discussed this arrangement with your ex-wife? Does she see this arrangement ending in the future?

As hard as it is I would say the sooner you move into the arrangement of having separate holidays the better off for everyone. The first time is always the worse but like everything else it gets easier. You definately don't want to send the wrong signals to your kids as you said. Sit down and talk to the STBX without the kids around and come to an agreement if possible.

Good Luck!

[color:"blue"] Starman [/color] - I'm thinking part of the answer may be determined as to where you are (both chronologically and emotionally) in the separation/divorce process.

Who is filing for the divorce? Who are the kids with? Do you have a separation agreement, and if so, what does it say about holidays?

It's possible that doing the holidays together could be part of a really good Plan A. But it would come at an emotional cost, and only you can determine if you can do it.

I'm going through the same questions this year, however I'm entering my first year seperated, no kids, no nothing between us. He's cut off all communication, makes the decision easier. Anyways, in my mind, doing what feels best is always the right thing. If you want to spend it with him, then go for it, without, then go for that. Ask your kids what they'd like as well, you may get some interesting feedback.

I'm on my 2nd Christmas, and we are doing it jointly again like last year. Presents are from Mom and Dad and we will both be there for Christmas Eve and morning (at my brother's house). My kids are still little and believe in Santa, so neither of us want to be excluded from that.

Well, I am going to spend Christmas with the oldest and sickest relative in the extended family even if it means flying and paying for a hotel. I did the opposite extreme and went with other people during Christmas and it was too much. Now I am going to see my ex father-in-law who is very close to the end and who I always missed.

Go where you want to be on Christmas with someone who is loving and makes you happy.

Good Luck,
Natalie