One year ago today..... - 03/02/06 08:42 PM
I found this site a little over two years ago. Then I always posted on the pg/child board. Trying to deal with, accept & save my M consumed my life for over two years. If not for God in my life, I would have taken it, the pain was so unbearable, XH’s treatment of me, the way he let OC’s mother continue to disrespect me & our M on a regular basis was unbelievable but it happened. I now see that I allowed it to happen and for that I have no one to blame but myself. Well I allowed XH to push me to the point that if he was not out of my house I no longer wanted to hurt myself, but him. I knew I had done everything in my power to try to save what was left of our M. I worked on forgiving him, his mother, even OW. I accepted OC into my home & tried to be a good stepmother to her. That was something no one understood except my very best girlfriend. So I fought for my M against the wishes of everyone in my life which was a great battle let me tell u. Being that we have no children together everyone thought it would be really simple for me to just cut him out of my life & pretend the last 12 years of my life with him didn’t exist. It is just not that cut and dry, at least not for me anyway.
So last year I filed on Jan. 6 and put him out on Feb. 2 . I then put the D on hold twice, I was so conflicted & confused, and most of all trying to stay in God’s will, while holding on to hope that we could still one day reconcile. I then got fed up and let the D go thru and one year ago today it became final. I celebrated that day, and stupidly thought that was the end of it, and it would have been if I let it but I didn’t, even though I let go of the M, I had not let go of him and since he never wanted the D he hadn’t let go of me either. So for all of last year I played this game with him, “I don’t want u in my life” – “I want u in my life.” “Let’s date and see if we can put this back together, and maybe we will get M again one day soon.” All the while knowing I probably would have lost my mind, my family & would have run the risk of being committed to an insane asylum by my parents if I took him back. This past January I let him play me for the last time, I finally woke up and realized it is over, the M, the relationship, the “friendship” all of it, it happened, it is done, it will never be again and why would I want it? I deserve so much better than what he gave me. Even if I am alone, I will have peace of mind - which is priceless. I told him to not contact me ever again, I told him that in Oct. last year but this time it is for real. I can truly look back on my past with him and take ownership of my mistakes and forgive myself and him for his mistakes since I now know that it wasn’t meant to be. I have no regrets about the time I spent trying to make it work cuz I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did all I could to try to save my M, I will never have to live with the “what ifs”. Of course there is still love there, even after all the pain I have endured. But I thank God I am not “in love with him anymore. I don’t feel that need to talk to him, to see him. I don’t wonder what he is doing or where he is or with who. I see my XMIL and OC at church sometimes & it doesn’t hurt & tear me up inside like it used to. I can hug OC and speak to XMIL and smile and not be fake. It is a peace I can’t describe. A wise woman once told me “Don’t let your desire take u out of the realm of reality.” I lived that way for many years – no more!
I wrote all this out for myself, just to reflect on my “journey” & also in the hopes that it may help anyone who is struggling with letting go of what could have been. God & time truly does heal all wounds.
So last year I filed on Jan. 6 and put him out on Feb. 2 . I then put the D on hold twice, I was so conflicted & confused, and most of all trying to stay in God’s will, while holding on to hope that we could still one day reconcile. I then got fed up and let the D go thru and one year ago today it became final. I celebrated that day, and stupidly thought that was the end of it, and it would have been if I let it but I didn’t, even though I let go of the M, I had not let go of him and since he never wanted the D he hadn’t let go of me either. So for all of last year I played this game with him, “I don’t want u in my life” – “I want u in my life.” “Let’s date and see if we can put this back together, and maybe we will get M again one day soon.” All the while knowing I probably would have lost my mind, my family & would have run the risk of being committed to an insane asylum by my parents if I took him back. This past January I let him play me for the last time, I finally woke up and realized it is over, the M, the relationship, the “friendship” all of it, it happened, it is done, it will never be again and why would I want it? I deserve so much better than what he gave me. Even if I am alone, I will have peace of mind - which is priceless. I told him to not contact me ever again, I told him that in Oct. last year but this time it is for real. I can truly look back on my past with him and take ownership of my mistakes and forgive myself and him for his mistakes since I now know that it wasn’t meant to be. I have no regrets about the time I spent trying to make it work cuz I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did all I could to try to save my M, I will never have to live with the “what ifs”. Of course there is still love there, even after all the pain I have endured. But I thank God I am not “in love with him anymore. I don’t feel that need to talk to him, to see him. I don’t wonder what he is doing or where he is or with who. I see my XMIL and OC at church sometimes & it doesn’t hurt & tear me up inside like it used to. I can hug OC and speak to XMIL and smile and not be fake. It is a peace I can’t describe. A wise woman once told me “Don’t let your desire take u out of the realm of reality.” I lived that way for many years – no more!
I wrote all this out for myself, just to reflect on my “journey” & also in the hopes that it may help anyone who is struggling with letting go of what could have been. God & time truly does heal all wounds.