Good morning guys,

How is everyone this morning? I'm feeling ok today. It's one of those days where I think that I might just make it. Who knows, tomorrow I might be down and out again, but today I'm good.

I hope everyone had a nice night and feels good about today. Soon, did you sleep better. I did.

Fill me in on what's going on.

It was a good night for a change. I had dinner and wine with some neighbors that I have not had the opportunity to get to know well before and found a wealth of commonalities. We are all single women now in various stages of our lives - one has small children, one has teenagers and mine are grown, but being able to sit and talk in generalities about our experiences and how we cope with life was such a peaceful eye opener. It made me realize that while I have been throwing everything I have into a relationship with my STBX, there were opportunities for deeper relationships that I have missed. I was so focused on his needs and demands and making his dreams come true, that I forgot that life was happening all around me and that there was support and appreciation for me as a person which I failed to see. I never seemed to make time to make friends before, or to let anyone get close to me except the STBX.

I hope that I can take this lesson and remember it. I don't think I want to go back to where I have been anymore. I wish that my STBX could see this for himself, as it might help eliminate some of his unhappiness.

That's great Blue. I also have noticed many of the things that you've described in my life. I was wrapped up in my STBXW that I never did things for myself or with friends.

I don't remember at what point that I surrendered my life to her, but I know that it happened sometime. Like you, I never want to go back to how it was, because I have discovered myself again, and I don't want to be a slave to anyone.

Keep meeting with your friends and report the good news and feelings to us. A little bit of good news helps a lot on this forum.

Morning all,

I had a decent night also. Watched the re-run from Monday's episode of the Apprentice & got my resume all ready to send off to a potential employer. I emailed it this morning. I have to admit that I am nervous! It's pretty definite that the company will be calling me and at least doing a phone interview. Just makes me a little nervous, but at the same time, it makes me feel good. We shall see what happens.

Talked to H last night when he called to say goodnight to DS. He is supposed to come by this afternoon before he picks up DS from preschool so that we can talk some more. I wish I could see into the future...

I know exactly what you guys are saying about losing yourself. There are so many things that I am changing now and would continue to if me and H get back together. I have such a wonderful support system and I can't forget all these friends - we get so caught up in the day to day & never seem to have enough time. During this crisis, they have all been here for me above and beyond - I am truly grateful. I agree, I would not want everything to go back to the way it was. Alot of things would have to change for the good of us and our relationship.

Hope you all have a good day!

Glad you had a good night, Thankful. I think it's great that you are feeling good about yourself and potential employment. You are doing super.

Remember, when you talk to H today, show a tough love attitude to him. Even if you don't feel it, make him think that you are perfectly happy to go on with your life without him (trust me, this will make him think). At the same time, let him know that you are willing to give the M another try, if he will commit to it and have NC with the MOW. Your actions, and words if necessary, should tell him that there will be no exception to him and MOW. If he fails to do this, you WILL move on without him. I think you are in a good position, a position of power, just try not let weakness lose that position for you.

I agree, Thankful. I don't think that any of us would want to go back to the way things used to be. Why should we, that way failed. Maybe we have all learned some valuable lessons through this misery, and we will be better people and spouses in the future.

Have a great day!

Anyone heard from Soon this morning? Now I'm starting to act like a mother hen.

Hi all. Evening was uneventful again. Checkup for the baby went well. Came home, fixed supper and we were all asleep by about 9:00. I was worn out from having to chase the two youngins all over the Dr. office, I had to wait an hour and 15 minutes before I even go to see the dr., I hate that.

Do you all do this? You concentrate on the good times you had with your spouse, you constantly think about them all the time. Saying to yourself..."it CAN be that way again...if only" "I miss those times". And then after days of mourning the loss of the good times, do you then ever have days where you think of the bad times over and over? Am I making sense? Let me explain further...

It seems that all I have ever thought about was the good times. But ever since yesterday, when I posted on how my H filed for D without me knowing, and me having to mow the yard all the way up into about my fifth month of pregnancy....I have been thinking about all of the bad times we had. All of the things he has done to me. All of the times I have begged for help and instead he ran elsewhere.

Do you all ever think of the bad times? Or just the good times? I'm just curious. I am sad because of this. Mad because of this. I don't like thinking about the bad times. But sometimes I do think it makes it easier for me, to remember the bad instead of the good.

I too got wrapped up in my H so much that all I cared about was him and what he was doing. I haven't been out with friends in God knows how long. And at this point, I don't even want to. I have no desire to go out. I don't have any desire to be around anyone but H and the boys. And it worries me because I know that is unhealthy. My mom tries to get me to go shopping, or go out to eat. I wont go. I am afraid that when I move out that I'll become a hermit. I'll be like the little old lady in the movies that lives down the street in the haunted house that all the neighborhood kids are afraid of. No lights on in the house and the blinds closed all the time, every once in a while just peeping out.

Mother hen. LOL

Good Morning!
STBXH came back from his trip to Vegas. We went to dinner last night and I went over to see his new place. It's hard not feel sad. H loved the house he built, he loved the hot tub, the fish tank, the 4000 square feet...and now he is in a small 2 bedroom apartment. He chose to make this change, nothing about our divorce is driving this change for him..but it is more loss and it's upsetting. For me, I thought all of those things were a big hassel...I prefer a more simple life in a small place in the city.

Anyway, although it is less often, he still can't help but say things that express his grave disappointment and anger towards me. For over a year I've tried everything to explain, accept responsibility and ask for forgivness.

Last night he was saying that he and his daughter just still can't understand how I could have become so entrenched with a childhood friend. A lot of judgement from two people who have made their share of mistakes. For the past year, I've just hung my head and said yes, it was terrible, I regret it, and I hope your will forgive me. But for the first time I said clearly and calmly...
"I hope you both can see the greater context. For years I had begged you to be a better friend to me. And as you have said, I must have been pretty desperate to do what I did."

He stopped cold...and I think that perhaps for the first time - he really heard me.

But divorce proceedings continue. Truthfully we're both too busy to get divorced! When we went to his new place we made love on the floor...sigh. I wish they had that pill that could make you forget certain things (like in the movie with Jim Carey)..that and anabuse, ADs could be a potion for success - sad....

Cis, how far along are you in your D proceedings? BTW, it's good to hear from you. Glad to hear you've been doing as good as can be expected.

Hi Soon. I glad the check up for the baby went well.

I think it is human nature for us (the ones who want the M) to think mostly about the good times. I do know, that when I thought the M might still work, that I started thinking about the bad. There is nothing wrong with remembering the bad times, as that is part of healing. I guess the goal here is to be able to think of both good and bad. This is going to hurt no matter what, so I wouldn't worry too much about either.

I also have a tendency to "hermitize" after all of this, but I forced myself to meet with some friends, and it does help. Try to do it, even if you don't feel social and just sit there quitely. I was so wrapped up in my W, that all I ever did was something for or with her. Her friends were my friends, etc. But, I have discovered that I have some friends also, and I don't have to be sad all the time. I know it is hard, but you may have to force yourself to go out, and it may not be fun at first, but you will find that you can laugh again, and smile again. Like Thankful, if you can act like you are having the best time of your life, it would really make your H think. If he could see you enjoying life without him, it changes the whole dynamics of the situation, in that he will start feeling like he is the one being left behind.

I know this is stupid, but I believe that the one who wants to leave feels all the power. In a strange way, it makes them feel good to see us struggling over losing them and makes them feel powerful. If on the other hand, they see us as happy without them, they are robbed of that power and self worth and start thinking that maybe they were lucky to have what they had.

Hi Cis,

I think that you did great in what you said to him. I'm still hung up on this "Tough Love" stuff because I believe it to be true. If you could get this message through to him "I love you and want out M to get better, am sorry about the mistakes that I have made, but if you can't get past this we need to move on, with no SF, no going places together, nothing but goodbye", then he might turn around. He's not as upset as he is acting because if he was, he wouldn't want to be with you at all.

Thanks Tired, I'll remember that. It's just that, well...I really don't have any friends. Well, I do. But we haven't talked in months. I only have three friends, that's sad. One is going through a D herself. She has much more of a sad situation than I, but she's stronger than I am too. I need to call her and go see her. Another, I haven't talked to since her father passed which was over a year ago, onther friendship I neglected, the other friend I always hang out with in the summer a lot. So I am looking forward to the hot weather getting here so I can spend the weekends at her house. She also has two boys, so they like to play and she also has a pool.

I feel like, well...I know I did. I neglected all of my freindships with my friends becuase my H either doesnt like them, or I just wasn't allowed to go visit. It always bothered him when I wasn't at home. My H and I have no friends together. It's just sad. It's almost like I am going to have to re-learn how to hang out with other people again. I feel like I don't even know how to carry on a conversation anymore.

I have lots of friends here at work. But they are all males and married. So hanging with them is not an option.

But you are right. I need to get out more and show him that I can move on without him. He goes out and has fun so why can't I?

It is so odd that you said that. I'm the same way. I neglected all my friends, and family even to a certain extent, because my W didn't like them, or didn't want to visit them. It was hard to do, but I made contact with some of them again, and we are still friends. I have met or at least talked to them and it feels great.

I think that you have a great opportunity with the friend who is going through a D. She can understand what you are going through and you can help her as well. The pool sounds great also. Wish I had a friend with a pool.

Also, as you start to feel better about yourself, you will meet new friends. It will happen. Just let go of all the guilt and hurt that you can, and open up to people. I probably talk more to new people now than I ever did when I was married. It's easy, because after the pain that we have been through, we have nothing to lose. If they don't like us, we don't give a da**.

This is way off the topic, but I have to tell this.

We fixed a lady's car here (body work). So she picks up her car and a couple hours later she calls back. Wanting to know why we changed the hood latch on her car. I asked her "what do you mean we changed the hood latch?" She says,
"There's this latch on the inside of the car to the left and underneath the steering wheel that says PULL HOOD".

I say, "Yes, maam" and she says..."I have never had to open the hood of my car from the inside, I have always opened it from the outside of the car". Had a hard time explaining to her that we didn't change anything, her car has always been that way. That's the way all cars are.

Some people are funny. Sorry, just had to tell that.

You people are sick! Moving hood latches like that. That's a good story, fire away with all of those you come across.

We get people like that in here all the time. This lady came a couple weeks ago and she had a $500 deductible. Well, she claimed she forgot her money at home. She didn't have anything on her...no cash, no credit card not even a check. And we were debating on whether or not to let her take the car in fear of us not ever receiving the money.

She looked at me and asked me if I had a blank check. I thought I misundertood what she was saying. But she actually was asking me if I had a blank check so that she could pay her deductible.

Sometimes throughout the day I find myself thinking too hard about this mess I'm in so I try to think of something to take my mind off of things.

That's a great idea, borrow a blank check to pay your bill. I love that idea. Anything to smile or laugh about is good, and it makes us smile too.

Hey! That last one isnt so funny! I remember when businesses kept "blank checks" for their customers convenience! I come from a small town in East Texas and there was only one bank - and it was nice to just grab a blank one, fill it in and let the bank look up you account number when the check got deposited!

Were you the one who asked Soon for the check, Blue? Just kidding. How are you doing?

What??? I've never heard of that???? LOL

It seems that my H may just very well let go of me quietly. Usually, when I don't call before i leave work he gets upset with me. Yesterday, I never told him I was leaving work early to take baby to the dr and he never said a word. Just asked where I was. That was it.

OK, so I'm sad again today. Im so bored here at work so the only thing I have to do is sit and think. I hate that.

I am going in the studio (the band I'm in) tonight, tomorrow and all day Saturday to start recording. Last week when I told H that he acted upset. This morning he just said, "well I guess I'll see you late tonight". But yet he called me today again "to check on me".

I hate these moods. What happened? Mon-Thrs I was feeling so good. So positive. Positive about moving on and positive about my life. Today, I'm not so positive. i guess this is just part of the process.

It will be like that for awhile. I feel pretty good most of the time, but still have down times. The good thing is that they don't last too long.

I've noticed when I don't see STBX at work, or anywhere for that matter, I feel much better. Just seeing her will make me feel bad. She's not at work today, or if she is I haven't seen her, so I'm doing good. I remember when we were still together but knew the end was coming, I never felt good. I don't know how you do it Soon.

Hey Soon, is recording in the studio fun? I'm sort of anti-musical, not by choice, but I just don't have any musical talent. It sounds like it would be so neat.

It's fun. But it is hard work. It can take forever to get a song down. You have to do it over and over and over. And I'm not a very patient person at all. What's more aggravating is that our banjo player does well when were in public...but once we try to record something it's like he forgets how to play. It's very frustrating.

I hope you enjoy the session. Try to go out with some friends or family and enjoy yourself. Maybe call an old friend that you haven't talked to in a while. I know it's hard and you don't want to do it, but it will help. I think by us being sad, lonely, crying all the time, we are letting them walk all over us yet again. They shouldn't win this time. We can't control them, but we can control ourselves. Remember "Tough Love" and we will love them, but we require their best in return.

I hope everyone has a good evening. Thankful, I hope your talk went well.

I will talk to everyone tomorrow.

Goodnight

Talk to everyone tomorrow. Thank God tomorrow is Friday! I can't wait.

Sleep well and have good dreams! And pray!

Yes - we all need to make new friends and be happy. It's the healthiest for us.. I was happpy last night, but today I feel down. I just called H and he said that he was feeling very emotional packing everything up. That it is very hard for him. I want him to be happy - but I can't do that for him.

Thanks for the words of wisdom Tired. I hope I'm not turning into his doormat. I'm thinking that until we actually get divorced - we're still married and there is some hope. He is so busy feeling sorry for himself. He thinks I'm a terrible unfeeling person. I'm conflicted between trying so hard to repair the marriage and just giving up...I'm so tired.

Well I hope everyone has a good night. H complains he has terrible dreams - but I sleep really well and I'm always happy in my little apartment.

I know this sounds terrible, but I wish a sweet, handsome, charming, healthy, available and stable man would come into my life and help me forget all about my H. Everyone says that you shouldn't do that...but from what I've heard and read it seems to be the way to finally get over your ex.

dreaming...
Cis