Hello, I am so confused. I am been with this man since i was 16, presently I am 23 he is 29 and we have been married for 18 months, we were separated the first time in april-may, didn't celebrate our anniversary at all, and now we are living at 2 different apt. We signed the divorce papers back in April. Should i make it final or work on it? I worked on it in the past-church, self-help books, therapy, etc. Now he is so nice, buying me gifts, leaving caring notes on my car, also, we haven't fought since we separted and we did alot of that during our marriage. We get along better now vs when we were marriged. HELP

You signed papers a long time ago and your still married, that's a positive thing. It sounds like you want it to work or you and your husband would have been divorced 6 months ago. Its also positive that you have gotten along so good.

Considering your were separated during your anniversary i don't think you should've celebrated it. It sounds like both of you got along good for many years. The first two years of marriage are the hardest, i know from experience.

Are you still in love? Have either of you tried to change for the better? Does he treat you well? Do you plan on having children someday? if so, do you think he would be a good father?

Are we still in love? I don't even know how to describe love or even be able to answer that ?, what is love? i am still tyring to figure that one out. Yes he would be a great dad and yes we do now get along alot better. We are both working on a few issues that the other one has with the other- eating healthy, hard worker, being NICE yes actually be nice to me and sweet to me was a request. But i am still confused my lease has 5 more months so i have plenty of time i just wish i could make my mind up for good bc i am so tired of the see-saw.

You are in love if your still married, if you didn't love him or he didn't love you the divorce would've been final 6 months ago. In a strange way separation can bring you closer in the end, i'll bet your already closer. Or if neither of you care about the other person it will end in divorce.

You said he would be a great dad, that is a big positive issue if you want children. Good dads that have the same morals and core values as you are tough to find. My husband and i had a really tough time the first two years of marriage and he has turned out to be an amazing husband and father. The first two years were hard on both of us and we were very unhappy together, we had many big issues to work through but we did work through them and we now have a great family. All marriages are tough especially in the beginning. I wasn't prepared for this when i got married and it doesn't sound like both of you were either.

You have to be positive about the situation. I know this sounds strange because problems are not positive but both of you have to stay positive. Being a "see-saw" or going back and forth is completely normal in this type situation. It happened to me when my husband and i were having problems. I'm sure your husband is going back and forth as well.

Do you feel loved while around him? Has he cheated on you? Are the gifts and notes he's given you loving (flowers,candy) or just regular gifts(shirt,watch)? Is he making efforts to improve? Both of you have gotten along great the past several months?

Yes i do believe he loves me, We talk everyday but do not hang out everyday. The gifts he buys me are: sweet notes, flowers, cards, picks up dinner for us. Just little things-no clothes or money. Sweet heartfelt things.

I asked him if he cheated on me and he said no, which i do believe him bc i have never caought him lying or being deceitful.

We have gootne better along now-separated vs living together as a married couple. I do care for him, I would like to have his kids, but i still have the same feelings that i would liketo date other people. I have had these feelings for about 3.5 months now. I have never dated anyone else and i have had the oppurtunity to date others but i do not take advantage of it bc i am separated and not divorced. I would never date anyone who is separated and not divorced, so why would i expect someone else too.

Just be extremely careful making your decision. Read my post on this forum titled “I made a mistake”. I was in a similar situation and made a choice that I regret every second of every day.

It sounds like to me you would definitely be able to work through your problems.

Your right, he must still love you. All the gifts you described are signs of love; especially the flowers and notes. I tell my husband all the time he should give me flowers.

I’ve only been in one serious relationship and that is with my husband. I’ve met other guys and thought about what it would be like to date them, but I would never act on it because I don’t want to loose the relationship I have with my husband. When your having problems these feelings are normal, but you have to ignore them. Don’t put yourself in those situations, you can’t let people think your available, avoid those situations or they will ruin everything. I can tell you that ending a marriage so you can go on dates is certainly not going to make you happy, it would probably leave you more unhappy in the end. You would without a doubt regret that.

Do you think other women would be attracted to and want to have a relationship with your husband. Think about how it would make you feel if he started dating as well.

You said you want to have his children. This is huge. Women are extremely picky about who they would want to have children with. This must mean you think he is a great person, caring, loving, responsible, trusting; I could go on and on. These qualities are hard to come by in a man.

I don’t think your getting along better because your not living with him. I think it’s because there has now been effort made to improve the relationship. It sounds to me that he has made changes that allows you both to get along better. I’m sure you’ve also made changes that help.

I think it’s extremely encouraging that you want to have his children. It seems like your relationship is growing in a positive direction.

So- Does not sound like you are mature enough to be married to anybody. Better be single for a while and mature before commiting to anybody. You got to be mature yourself and be happy with your self before committing youself to some one else. For God's sakes don't involve children until you mature. johoman

joh- Some people when having problems have these exact thoughts and feelings, I did. I don’t think her or her husband are inmature, they’re simply going through a tough time and working towards a positive direction in they’re relationship. I know because she sounds like me about 8 years ago. I went through this. I wanted to give up, but I didn’t and couldn’t be happier now. If they continue to work through they’re issues they will both end up happy. She didn’t say she wanted children with her husband today; of course this is not the right time to have children. I think she meant in the future.

I for sure would NOT let this man go.

You sound just like my EX-wife......we started dating when she was 17 and married 6yrs later. She never got a chance to date or be on her own she said. Every 5yrs or so, I would find evidence that she may have had an affair (basically proof). She would always say she never got to experience life.....she doesnt know why she is unhappy.....all of the things a person that is still inmature says. I have a feeling that you think you may have married too soon without dating and being on your own.

To make a long story short......my EX-wife finally got her wish.....she wanted freedom to date and be on her own (except now it was after 2 children). After my remarriage a couple of yrs later, my EX said she made a huge mistake and wished she could turn back the hands of time. The grass isnt always green as it appears on the other side.

Dont make the same mistake my EX did. There are alot of sorry, shady people out there, its more difficult than you think to find a good spouse. If you husband is good to you, doesnt lie, cheat or steal. Run.....and I mean RUN!!! to him. Dont have any pride at all.....just get him back.....before it too late!!!

So con- Starting has some good advice. The gress always looks greener on the other side but by the time you get there you find it is artifical turf. Maybe the key to happiness in life is being satisfied with what you have. Good spouses are really hard to find and poor ones a a dime a dozen. If you and your divorced spouse decide to give it another try go together for a long while and decide if you can be happy with him and he you. It will save you a lot of heart ache in the long run. johoman

Soconfused......Why did you edit out the part about you feeling you need to date others??? That obviously was an important factor in you wanting to divorce. I think you should be transparent and honest with yourself about how you really are feeling. Dont shove under the rug how you are feeling emotionally, it WILL surface and show eventually.

JMHO

This is from StartinOver: Dont make the same mistake my EX did. There are alot of sorry, shady people out there, its more difficult than you think to find a good spouse. If you husband is good to you, doesnt lie, cheat or steal. Run.....and I mean RUN!!! to him. Dont have any pride at all.....just get him back.....before it too late!!!

I couldn't have said it any better. I've been in your situation, listen to people that have been there before. Stay with your husband, don't end up in the same situation I'm in because it's horrible. It sounds like you can very easily work through your problems. Please take my advice, you will thank me in the future. Good luck.

Yes he is a great guy. But is he a great guy for me. I just don't know. I am aure we will have a decision some time soon, well i hope so. I mean i am looking into buying house for just me and that is not a good sign. I would miss him if he left-but that is normal we have been together for alomost 8 years. We are just so comfortable with one another. I am trying to figure out if it is being comfortable, love, or if I am settling. Which to be honest, he is great and I do care for him, and he would be agreat guyt to settle for. What am I saying settle for-see what I mean how bad does that sound. You don't need to settle for a guy you need to love a guy.

I do not have those Oh gosh can't wait to see him, can't wait to talk to him feelings. But i think maybe those are just feelings that you have at the beginning of a relationship. We will just see

so-con--Sounds like you live up to your name! If you are waiting for the 100% guy you will have a LONG wait. It is up to you to decide if your ex-H is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. The hesitation I read is not a good sign. Sounds like you are waiting for that 100% guy. Good Luck. johoman

You will NOT find the perfect guy. You're right about having those "oh gosh" feelings, they are very common in the beginning of a relationship. When you're separated being confused is normal. You're so comfortable around him because you love him. From what you've said he is a great guy and would be a great father; if your not careful he will be gone. Don't let him go.

You've received a lot of great advice from people who have been in very similar situations, please TAKE THE ADVICE.

Soconfused-Sounds to me like you are wanting that Harlequin romance back. Instead of going out and trying to find that with a new man.....why not bring that back into your current marriage. What is sounds like you are looking for is the spark and lovey dovey things people do at the beginning of a new relationship. That is fun and exciting!!! BUT!....everyday life (work, kids, bills, cars, lawns) will eventually kick in and you may find yourself searching for that romantic high again.

One more time I suggest resparking your current relationship instead of searching out a new one......IF you decide to divorce, you will probably HAND your good H to another woman. It will be too late to work on anything then.

Can you live with that decision??

The thing i am having difficulty with is that I am not 100% sure that I want to be with him. I am only 80% sure. I feel that it is normal or healthy to know 100% that this is the man you are to spend the rest of your life with. I do care for him deeply, i enjoy spending time with him, but spend the rest of my life with him i just don't know. I like being in this apt by myself without him, i like not spending every minute together. I just hope sometime soon I can figure out what I want.

We are not divorced we are separated. This is our 2nd separation in our now 18 month marriage

You’re separated, of course your not going to be 100% sure. How could you be 100% sure when your separated and in the process of improving the relationship. I think 80% is VERY good considering what the two of you have been through. When I was having problems early on in my marriage I was probably only 30% sure about the relationship.

You said you like not spending every minute together, that’s great because you don’t need to spend every second with your husband; that will definitely create problems. You both must have alone time.

You’ve said your husband has made efforts during this separation to improve and is a great guy - loving, honest, caring, sweet, you want to have his children, etc. If you let this man go another women WILL snatch him up quick. You need to realize how hard it is to find a man with those qualities. He clearly makes you happy, you must remember that you are allowed to be happy.

TAKE the advice you’ve received from the people here that have been through this type of situation. Like StartinOver mentioned, if you get a divorce you will HAND your good husband to another women, then it will be too late. Please be smart and stay positive.

Case in point.......after my remarriage, my EX said to me "you treat her so much better than me and do everything for her".

I treated my EX the exact same way that I treat my 2nd wife......even my parents and friends say so. I catered to both.

My EX just wanted freedom to date and be on her own....something alot of people do that marry too young.

Like I said.....my EX sounds like you do......she was fence sitting. She wanted me (Good Hubby), plus she wanted freedom and the attention of other men (something a young/inexperienced with life) person wants to do.

1yr after my remarriage, my EX stood crying in the driveway and said to me "I cant eat, I cant sleep, Im a total mess, I wish I could turn back the hands of time and we could all be a family together"

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It was TOO late.

Dont make the same mistake.

Hi everyone. I am new here. I divorced my husband, a good man that I loved "as a friend...like a brother"...I was miserable during the marriage so I thought divorce was the answer. It was not. We've been divorced 7 months. He told me since July 1998 that I was the "Love of his Life"...I did not know he was dating anyone serious although we talked often...he was always evasive and would just tell me he was "dating around." Well...one day we had fight and he told me he did not even want to be my friend anymore. I was crushed!!!!! Now remember, I crushed him - he NEVER wanted the divorce and it was the worst time of his life (so he says). Within 24 hours, I felt God's hand in my life like I had not felt at anytime during our marriage. I drifted away from God due to a rape... Anyway, God touched my heart and brought me back to Him. Then, I felt that God was impressing upon me to reconcile my marriage. I did date and have a relationship AFTER our divorce and my XH knew about it. When I called him to attempt reconciliation, he was kind and loving but not responsive. Then, a few days later, I found out he was dating someone steadily...then a few days later, he told me he cared about her but did not know if God was leading him to marry her...then, within a couple of day, he told me he was in-love with her...then a couple of days later, he told me that God had told him in his dreams and at church that she was the one for him to marry. I AM NOW THE ONE THAT IS CRUSHED. We were a bradybunch family...two kids each that we each had custody of and were a family, kids love each other and us, for 7 years... I just pray and pray. I do not know whatelse to do. I really love this man and I had to work through a lot of issues but he tells me he no longer loves me and is going to marry this new woman he has been dating 3 months. Please pray for us and give me some good GODLY advice.

Unfortunately, if you're already divorced there's nothing much you can do. Now that he has moved on you must work on improving yourself and being happy. If you want specific advice you should start your own post detailing your situation. Good luck and stay strong, I'll pray for your family.

Yes. I guess God leads us to do things for reasons that are not those that seem obvious. I was content but not living a Godly life until I attempted reconcilation. Now, he will not even speak to me, whereas before, we talked almost every week --- I'm in pain but I guess what goes around comes around... Bottom Line: Do not divorce...Do everything possible to save your marriage unless you are being raped or beaten or cheated upon, etc... Emotions are fluid and are not always "Godly" but God's word is steadfast. Thanks for your prayers. It is hard for me NOT to pray for reconcilation but I do try to just pray for God's will in all our lives.

Mistake--Yes you are right. If you divorce it is somewhat like suicide. A permenent solution to a temporary problem. I think there are some instances that suicide might be acceptable (terminal illnes, intracable pain, etc) but most times it is a rash act. If there is a lot of physical abuse, continued cheating, criminal behavior then probaly divorce is justified. Garden variety troubles are not. If you want another marrriage you will get one but for God's sake don't run to the courts if there are spats. It takes a long time and hard work to make a marriage work but the payoff is great.
johoman

I am going through a lot on my own, but I think you might need to pick up some books on "love" - love in an action, not a swaying emotion. Somedays, I would feel like my husband was a friend, and somedays, I would do things for him, and love "on" him, and feel more love with the giving of my self. There are SO many awesome books that will redefine what true love is. It sounds like you've been together a while, so you're comfortable...which is good; but to keep romance alive, you need to work at it...which in turn will give you some challenges, something to work toward, instead of feeling *too* comfortable.

One book I suggest (out of a ton) is Rescue your love life by cloud and townsend. It's awesome!

soconfused - I agree with kristybear. Now that I've been going through these same things I've realized several things. One is that love is often an action, not an emotion. Love is big hugs, snuggling while watching a movie, and doing things to help the other person. It's not always this huge emotion. Work on showing love, I'm sure you'll receive it in return. --- Don't you want to be HAPPY. It seems like he really makes you happy. I found that I blamed my husband for ME not being happy. I now realize HE was one of the only people that actually made me happy, the unhappiness was coming from me, not him. But I mistakenly blamed him for MY unhappiness and now I'm much more unhappy without him and in a bad situation.

You don't need anymore advice because you have received plenty of great advice, but your husband seems like a good man and has great qualities, it's MUCH harder than you think to find all those good qualities in another man. It's even harder to find a man that you trust to raise your children. TAKE the advice you have received so far, I've been where you are right now and know exactly what your feeling, don't make the same mistake I did.

soconfused,

You're still young and still finding out who you are as a person while trying to love someone else for who they are. Whew! That's hard. I know....I'm going through the same thing. It's tough, but believe me it's worth it. DON'T GIVE UP!!
You know we are told so many crazy fairytales when we are young and when we're older we really believe that PRINCE CHARMING is coming to rescue us and ride off in the sunset together..forever. NOPE!! Not going to happen.

When I look at my parents..I'm in awe. They have been through so much because they had the patience, tolerance, and most importantly LOVE for one another to work things out. As many people have said on this board, "NOONE is perfect". I wish my husband was, but dangit he's not! I"M NOT!

We are forever changing and growing throughout our lives. Give him a chance to change as well. You will be fine.

Stay positive.