Seperated & Heartbroken - 12/26/06 07:59 PM
Where do I start???
I married the love of my life when I was 17 years old. He was 24 years old. This was a little over eight years ago. We have three beautiful children together - ages 6, 4, and 1. Things have always been rocky but there was more good than bad, so we've always managed to survive.
Over the past couple of years things have been changing dramatically. My husband, at one time, use to cherish me. He would bring me flowers, or even pick flowers if we were broke. He left me love notes or would write 'I love you' on a steamy bathroom mirror. He bought me little gifts, just because. It seems like all of this has disappeared. I'm left wondering, what did I do so wrong that I no longer deserve to be loved? I've had three kids - perhaps it's because I've gotten fat. Or I'm just not as attractive as I once was. No matter, I tolerated this despite the pain.
I suffered from depression for a long time. Until I finally got fed up and made up my mind to be happy. I wasn't going to depend on him for my happiness. I was going to make myself HAPPY. I started making friends, and going out. I'm always busy and always have plans. I went back to school and set a goal for myself. I'm proud to say, I haven't been depressed for about a year now. Medication free.
The irony is, our marriage has gotten worse!! I don't know if he jealous that I don't need him or envious because I'm doing something with my life or what the deal is. We fight all the time. I don't tolerate his treatment of me and will call him out on it everytime. We're becomming further and further apart, I almost feel like we're strangers. He's just a roommate to me. I don't know him. He doesn't know me. He sits on the couch and watches TV/movies and I'm usually busy with the house or kids or with one of my friends.
I've become very frustrated because of his lack of involvement with us. He goes to work; sleeps; watches TV and does the minimum to be involved with us. Furthermore, he isn't taking care of us financially either. We're about to lose our house, our car, his family is having to pay our utilities and a local church as had to bring us food. This has made me lose a ton of respectfor him.
A month ago he lost his job. He quit his job but no matter, he wasn't making any money anyway. I told him he should get a temp job for the three weeks between jobs. He had a job lined up to start on the 18th. I suggested stocking at the local grocery stores or a temp job. SOMETHING but nothing. He took those three weeks and used them as a vacation. Not even doing ANYTHING around the house that needed to be done. He slept until noon or later almost every single day. He would sit on the couch and watch TV all day long. With every passing day, I became more and more angry, resentful and bitter. Towards the end of the three weeks, I resorted to pulling the window coverings off and screaming at him while he was in bed. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
In the midst of our fighting, I threatened to cheat on him. I even went as far as contacting an old friend on myspace. I just msg'd him saying 'call me at ...". He did call but I didn't answer. Nor did I ever call him back. I was desperate to send him a warning... 'if you do not change your ways, I will leave and I can get someone else in a heartbeat'.
Of course now, he thinks I am cheating. In eight years I've been faithful to him. I've only been with him. I've never been with another man. I've been very lonely, and sad, and my needs have NOT been met - the temptation has been there to have my needs met. To have a man tell me I am pretty, that I am wanted, that I am special. To have some attention from a man. Yet, I've kept busy and remained loyal to a man that truly doesn't cherish me.
Seven days ago, we were fighting. I got up in his face, yelling, telling him to PLEASE LEAVE. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. LEAVE!!!!! I cannot take it anymore. I left to go to a friends house (with my kids). We came home and his bags were packed. His parents came to pick him up. I felt so much relief.
The next morning I expected to wake up sad, lonely and missing him. I woke up feeling relief. I went about my day, happy, content, positive. It felt wonderful. The same for day three and four and five.
Yesterday was Christmas. I felt very sad. I miss having 'someone' but not neccessarily him. I ended up breaking down after all the kids were in bed. I cried, and cried, and cried. I told myself it's okay to cry. I can miss him. I've been with him for eight years, of course I miss him. But I remind myself that I felt lonely even when he was sitting next to me. So I don't need him back. Havign him come back will not make my sadness go away.
I called him last night, and was crying so hard I hung up. I couldn't talk to him. So text msg'd him. He says he loves me, misses me, he's sorry - but his words are empty. He's said it before but never changes. What's going to be different this time?
I am making arrnagements to go into transitional housing through a local church. I am planning on leaving. Yet my heart is breaking. I'm torn. I want to make it work, but how many times do we 'try again' before we give up? How many times do I put trust in his words, only to be let down? When is enough, enough?
I just don't know what to do anymore. Is there an easy way to grieve and get through this? How do I handle the emotions I'm feeling? What do I do with my loneliness? I'm lost and in pain.
I married the love of my life when I was 17 years old. He was 24 years old. This was a little over eight years ago. We have three beautiful children together - ages 6, 4, and 1. Things have always been rocky but there was more good than bad, so we've always managed to survive.
Over the past couple of years things have been changing dramatically. My husband, at one time, use to cherish me. He would bring me flowers, or even pick flowers if we were broke. He left me love notes or would write 'I love you' on a steamy bathroom mirror. He bought me little gifts, just because. It seems like all of this has disappeared. I'm left wondering, what did I do so wrong that I no longer deserve to be loved? I've had three kids - perhaps it's because I've gotten fat. Or I'm just not as attractive as I once was. No matter, I tolerated this despite the pain.
I suffered from depression for a long time. Until I finally got fed up and made up my mind to be happy. I wasn't going to depend on him for my happiness. I was going to make myself HAPPY. I started making friends, and going out. I'm always busy and always have plans. I went back to school and set a goal for myself. I'm proud to say, I haven't been depressed for about a year now. Medication free.
The irony is, our marriage has gotten worse!! I don't know if he jealous that I don't need him or envious because I'm doing something with my life or what the deal is. We fight all the time. I don't tolerate his treatment of me and will call him out on it everytime. We're becomming further and further apart, I almost feel like we're strangers. He's just a roommate to me. I don't know him. He doesn't know me. He sits on the couch and watches TV/movies and I'm usually busy with the house or kids or with one of my friends.
I've become very frustrated because of his lack of involvement with us. He goes to work; sleeps; watches TV and does the minimum to be involved with us. Furthermore, he isn't taking care of us financially either. We're about to lose our house, our car, his family is having to pay our utilities and a local church as had to bring us food. This has made me lose a ton of respectfor him.
A month ago he lost his job. He quit his job but no matter, he wasn't making any money anyway. I told him he should get a temp job for the three weeks between jobs. He had a job lined up to start on the 18th. I suggested stocking at the local grocery stores or a temp job. SOMETHING but nothing. He took those three weeks and used them as a vacation. Not even doing ANYTHING around the house that needed to be done. He slept until noon or later almost every single day. He would sit on the couch and watch TV all day long. With every passing day, I became more and more angry, resentful and bitter. Towards the end of the three weeks, I resorted to pulling the window coverings off and screaming at him while he was in bed. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
In the midst of our fighting, I threatened to cheat on him. I even went as far as contacting an old friend on myspace. I just msg'd him saying 'call me at ...". He did call but I didn't answer. Nor did I ever call him back. I was desperate to send him a warning... 'if you do not change your ways, I will leave and I can get someone else in a heartbeat'.
Of course now, he thinks I am cheating. In eight years I've been faithful to him. I've only been with him. I've never been with another man. I've been very lonely, and sad, and my needs have NOT been met - the temptation has been there to have my needs met. To have a man tell me I am pretty, that I am wanted, that I am special. To have some attention from a man. Yet, I've kept busy and remained loyal to a man that truly doesn't cherish me.
Seven days ago, we were fighting. I got up in his face, yelling, telling him to PLEASE LEAVE. GET OUT OF MY LIFE. LEAVE!!!!! I cannot take it anymore. I left to go to a friends house (with my kids). We came home and his bags were packed. His parents came to pick him up. I felt so much relief.
The next morning I expected to wake up sad, lonely and missing him. I woke up feeling relief. I went about my day, happy, content, positive. It felt wonderful. The same for day three and four and five.
Yesterday was Christmas. I felt very sad. I miss having 'someone' but not neccessarily him. I ended up breaking down after all the kids were in bed. I cried, and cried, and cried. I told myself it's okay to cry. I can miss him. I've been with him for eight years, of course I miss him. But I remind myself that I felt lonely even when he was sitting next to me. So I don't need him back. Havign him come back will not make my sadness go away.
I called him last night, and was crying so hard I hung up. I couldn't talk to him. So text msg'd him. He says he loves me, misses me, he's sorry - but his words are empty. He's said it before but never changes. What's going to be different this time?
I am making arrnagements to go into transitional housing through a local church. I am planning on leaving. Yet my heart is breaking. I'm torn. I want to make it work, but how many times do we 'try again' before we give up? How many times do I put trust in his words, only to be let down? When is enough, enough?
I just don't know what to do anymore. Is there an easy way to grieve and get through this? How do I handle the emotions I'm feeling? What do I do with my loneliness? I'm lost and in pain.