My ex spouse and I always had a high conflict marriage. We married, my part of the story anyway, for the sake of an unplanned pregnancy. My beautiful daughter is not the mistake, my marriage for the sake of the pregnancy was a mistake. From the very beginning, it was bad.

From beginning of dating to the end for our divorce, we only lasted 5 years...too much emotional turmoil. My XH was always very manipulative and controlling (narcassistic and passive aggressive). After our divorce, I had to file a TRO because he wouldn't leave me alone...calling, stalking, saying bad stuff to my neighbors, tresspassing, etc. He did not deal very well with the rejection and my response through the divorce and TRO to recover control over myself.

To this day, 3 years later from the divorce (not adding the additional year he knows we lived in separate bedrooms before the papers were signed), he still continues to tell my daughter that its "mommy's fault, that I lied and broke my promise (in the marriage), and I was the one to leave the family".

When my daughter has asked me about this stuff I tell her that it takes two people to have a good marriage and the marriage that daddy and I had was not a good thing and we are better off as friends than we were married. I always reassure her that we both love her very much and that I am sorry she is sad. She was probably too little to remember the fighting and tears that were constant in our home before the divorce.

I am now in a new relationship, about to be remarried soon. I have been with this wonderful man for two years and our home is one of peace and happiness. My fiance makes us all laugh a lot including my daughter but I know it is perfectly normal and natural for her to still feel sad about me moving on. In times like this, I know I just need to give her more love and reassurance.

My ex is causing a rift and doing immeasurable emotional damage to my daughter because he still insists on making sure she knows it was "not his fault". He fills her head with "I still love mommy and if she apologized, I would take her back". This infers to our daughter that I did something bad and it makes her confused.

I've tried many times to speak with him but it always ends the same. I beg him, please, if you have any bad feelings still, share them with me, not her. He doesn't think its bad that she know the "truth", that I am the one who wanted the divorce. But yes, he also knows, but can't admit, that what he is saying is not the whole truth and he knows I would never lower myself to his level by telling our daughter "why mommy left". Its pointless.


Its unhealthy for him to continue this fantasy with her that we could get back together too. I don't want this to be a forever lingering resentment between she and I or she and my fiance. My fiance and I want to start our new life together knowing everyone is healthy and on the same page and this is a big concern. Does that make sense?

Any advice is appreciated on how to resolve this.

Hi onmyknees,

Welcome to MB.

I'm sure you will get a few ideas about what you could do,but I usually jump to the end and decide more drastic measures quicker than some too.Anyway,I would say you should evaluate the effect your ex has been having on your daughter (D) and if every visit with him is toxic and affecting her negatively,you may need to speak with a lawyer about a psychologist getting involved depending on how badly he is trying to manipulate your D and how badly he is making her feel.He may end up losing time with her if say,the courts see fit that it's not in the childs best interest to be with your ex.

How old is she? Does she appear to be harmed when she is returned to you( assuming he has visitation)?

It sounds very much like your ex is stuck in a rut and has not moved on.So he has to pick on you and that is his payoff: keeping you engaged even though it's negative.It's really not appropriate to be talking to his child that way.He needs to focus on his relationship with her as her Dad.

Do you still have a RO on him? How does your D feel about being with your ex and talking with him?