I don't post much - pretty much a lurker - I have been divorced 4 years. I am happy - I have a wonderful man in my life (we met after the divorce) and we are very happy together. My ex fell in love with the ow at work - refused to quit, she was the love of his life, he never loved me - you know the drill. We divorced and he had our 25 year marriage annulled. I think the annulment bothered me more than the divorce.
Fast forward 4 years and he calls our children on Thursday to tell them they are getting married on Sunday - the 28th - they did - and it has set me back. I'm really not sure why. I know there are certain things that have continued to bother me - like everything he does for her that he would never do for me - prime example - he never went to church with the kids and I - even for Christmas pageants etc but he now goes every week - started after he left me. He never wanted animals - she has 2 cats and 4 horses and they got a dog - just for a couple of examples.
All in All I handled the day really well - but wondered if this throwing me a little is normal??

Hi, my ex isn't remarried yet, who knows what will happen in the future.

But after we separated, he of the Puritan Work Ethic who would not take vacations but would only go visit family on holidays, who was so busy - got himself a passport and traveled to London to visit and cheer up OW's oldest son, who was "not doing very well" in college, because OW and her H were "too busy" to go.

It just kills me.

It feels like spite.

He fought me tooth and nail over every home maintenance matter. Painting, new carpet, blinds for the windows, even window replacement for windows that had become dangerous due to rot.

Before he moved back into the house (which he had to buy me out of!) he hired painters who drove Cadillacs, hired Merry Maids to clean, and recarpeted the entire house.

It felt like he begrudged me the littlest things. I used to ask for non fancy gifts in the form of home improvement. Our house looked like a slum on our street.

It's normal to feel bad when they are better to someone else than they were to you. And when they are willing to fancy up the house for themselves, but acted like you were Hitler invading Poland because you wanted the dining room freshened up with paint.

Bellevue,
Man does that all sound familiar - I still had orange shag carpet in my living room and dining room until my boyfriend ripped it up for me - we couldn't afford new carpet - or to upgrade the bathroom or kitchen - but he has a brand new 3 bedroom house with a new horse barn for her horses - yep - pretty much sucks.

The other thing is he is wearing her wedding ring - wore mine for like 3 days and then off it came - I guess that should have been my first clue. I guess at the wedding he spoke to both sides about how happy he was and thanked them for accepting him and how it was now their house - which that's why he built it and not just his house. Just made me sick - of course I should have stopped my daughter in law from telling me but she was upset too.

Happy,

"We divorced and he had our 25 year marriage annulled. I think the annulment bothered me more than the divorce."

That would bother me too! Having the marriage annul after 25 years with kids just send the wrong message; especially to the kids. Does it mean that the kids don't exist? Or that they were conceived out of wedlock??

I also can relate to how XWH can change their tune with OW. Mine never wanted to go on vacation, it was always too expensive. If we go anywhere, it was business related and his company usually foot the bill. When the A started, I found receipts for hotels, not just your plan simple Holiday Inn, but the resort type of place. It did hurt....but he's paying for it now.

OW stayed until his money ran out and he has since filed for bankruptcy

This is all quite interesting and hits home although I am in the middle of a D and not quite done yet but still living in the house with this fool. I thought it was just me noticing this stuff. But the changes in H after almost 30 yrs of M do sicken me as well. I can't tell you the slobby messes he made over the years...now he's Mr. Clean more times over than Mr. Clean himself. Complained about money all the time - I was always pretty frugle with it -- now he spends it like water. Something comes over them -- they get smitten by OW and then money is no object. What irks me the most is the stupid changes in him while I still have to live with him like putting his coffee cup away (he uses only the good china cups now - he's too good for a mug) upside down in the cupboard (we never did this), making his bed every morning himself and keeping his cool over everything - he used to bark at me and the kids all the time. I actually take the latter as a sign of not caring anymore.

I hope mine ends up like Immovingon - situation very similar - found receipts for lavish expenditures at classy hotels around the world, cell phone charges up to the sky, all the lies about where he's been etc. Yes it sure does hurt...and he also will be paying for it.

I can see OW in the wings just waiting for his money...

i am sure we can all relate to this in one way or another. my ex is no different. he wears a band like silver ring on his wedding band finger and has since the day he moved out of here (from her) and they are not married. i laughed hysterically the first time i saw it and told him gee it would be nice if you at least waited until we were divorced before putting a ring from someone else on that finger.

ow bought a house, a fixer upper and he has done all of the work in it so the kids tell me. new wood floors, etc. i sit here with the same carpeting in ever room that was here they day the house was build in 1979. we did replace the kitchen and bathroom floor with cheap tiles i believe i paid for and i paid for a new door, french doors, and my parents paid for a new garage door.my ex did nothing else to this house.

and they do things as well that i had a hard time getting my ex to do. so, i do not know what it is or why they do it for someone else and did not do it with us. i try not to let it bug me but at times it sure does.

mlhb

I have a theory on this. Somehow, when we dated, they were this wonderful person to us. They showed us their good side. We saw the best in them. And then someone taught them that they didn't need to continue, they could just coast, and we'd put up with it - and we did.

Now, someone admires them again (meeting their emotional need for admiration and likely also SF). So, again they are being the best they can be. They also look like superdads to their new people because they are on their best behavior.

Now, I could be wrong, but I just see it as part of the continued lie that they sold us. People can only change their true nature in the short term. Eventually, they get tired and go back to their core ways. (Changing completely requires alot of work and effort, and from our experience, they are not capable of that).
So, until the new person begins seeing the lies crumble, and actually begin see the person as they are, this will continue. And they continue to fight against the evil force (x), so they have a united front, even as they begin to see the person as they are.

My X repainted the siding on the house. I laugh at the poor color choices he made. Small consolation, but still makes me laugh, as I lived with "Tundra white" walls inside for 6 years.

Newly,

I TOTALLY agree with you. Even my IC told me that WS's can only keep up the charade for so long. Some can keep it up for years, but then it wears on them.

I never got any recognition from my ExH. That was a big EN of mine. Now I hear that he praises the OW pretty much for EVERYTHING she does... The carpet looks good, after vacuuming, the table looks clean, after washing it. I mean give me a break! Does he praise her for taking a [email]cr@p[/email] too? And he brings her flowers for when she has a bad day. Gee I can count on one hand all the times he ever brought me flowers, and they were for occasions!

But I think he HAS to do it or she'll walk.

That just really hurts me though. I would ask him to notice things and tell me if things looked good or not. I even asked him to bring me flowers once in awhile, and he never did. Now he does it to her! That hurts!

Thanks Everyone - just wanted to make sure I wasn't being stupid for having this bother me. Reading all your stories is like reading my own. Just sucks that they all seem to do this. I do know though that he doesn't trust her - he is her 4th affair I believe - he stalks her - if she is working somewhere without him he makes sure he stops by - she works one day a week for her father and he stops at that job site - there is no trust there and I wouldn't want to live like that.

Oh yeah I certainly understand the praise thing - I never did anything right in his eyes and that was hard to deal with. He also brings her flowers - the closest I got was one time I was in the hospital and he told me he almost bought me some but they were too expensive - almost laughable now - but not quite.

As far as the annulment goes my youngest son had an awful time with it - wanted to change his name - poor kid - but I talked him out of it for his grandmother's sake. I still have a hard time with the annulment and the fact that he got re-married in the church - I could have fought it but it sometimes comes down to who has the most money.

Just for the fun of it, let's think about all the ways we are nicer, better people now than we were when we were married. 'Cause it's not just them that have changed.

1. I have a spine now.
2. I keep the house very clean and organized now that I don't have his mess around.
3. I enjoy cooking family meals.
4. I laugh a lot more.
5. I shower M and friends with praise.

(This is not to say I don't feel for you. I've been there, especially as a child. I'm just trying to find a silver lining.

Greengables - I do think I am a nicer person - I have someone who loves me for me. So Let's see.

1. I enjoy life more
2. I can be me and not worry about being criticized.
3. I can spend all the time I want with my grandchildren(he was never really into the whole kid thing and sure isn't into his grandchildren much.
4. I do laugh a lot more.
5. I am happier than I thought I could be.

Thanks Greengables - this was a good idea.