I filed in October of 2004 and was devasted. I was extremely depressed for well over a year after. I seen a therapist for 2 years and have gone to DivorceCare sessions many times since the divorce.

During the spring of this year I started feeling normal again. Not just having a good day followed by several bad days but just all good days. I started loving life again.

Then, about a month ago I started feeling down... then it started getting worse. It got to the point that I was losing weight, not sleeping, could not concentrate at work, etc. I went back to my therapist and she said hitting these bumps is normal.

It seems though recently the cloud of depression is lifting and I am doing ok. I have learned to combat the depression through exercise, work, staying busy, etc.

My question is, have any of you had tough spots years after your divorce? Do these episodes tend to be less severe over time? How long did it last for you?

Keith

Keith,

I think it's normal to have those bumps. Do you think your current down cycle could be related to the holidays?

I filed for divorce in June '05, divorce final March '06. I just realized that my dday anniversay is tomorrow (Dec 02, 2003). It's only been the last 6 months or so that I can say that I'm 99.9% happy. My most unhappy times used to be when my child spent weekends with her dad or not being with her on holidays. I still don't like it but I've gotten to the acceptance stage.

Yes, I do think it could be related to the holidays. I am not sure though.

I do know that when this clould of depression hits, it feels like it is permanent and just will not leave. But then, it lifts as quickly as it came....

I have read that it can take several years to recover and feel complete again. I will keep moving forward.

Keith

My divorce isn't even final yet and I've already moved on.

I don't miss my wife any.

However I had an extremely traumatic experience that brought me into perspective with life.

When you are standing there and watching your blood pour onto the ground as the lights grow dim, a divorce is child's play and life suddenly becomes really important.

BHINWI, I'm sending hugs.

It took me about 6 months to get over the separation. It took me almost two years to get over the fiasco of marriage. Strangly enough, being in a serious, permeanet relationship has actually dragged up some stuff. But, in a more objective way.

D final 8/30/07.

Separation (after I served X) 9/05.

D-day 7/98. (ILYBNILWY speech)

D-day finding his letter to her 9/97 (he still said he loved me, but refused to give up contact w/her)

I didn't follow the MB model. Found it too late. Not enough guts to Plan A the right way. Never did plan B.

I'll let you know when I get over it.

Depends on what you consider "over." I finally realized that I will always have scars, and I quit trying to recover that old life. It's like a child losing their innocense. You never again look at the world the same way. In it's place have found a new and happy life after divorce.

That's not to say everything is perfect. Sometimes things will trigger those old wounds and I become scared, angry, etc. When that happens, I try to make myself analyize why. What set it off? Is there something in a new situation that I need to be wary of?

I do agree with Greengables, being in a serious relationship has dragged up some old stuff, but I think it's been mostly positive. For instance, a few times I've caught myself falling into old bad habits and I think this relationship is stronger because some old memories were triggered and I was able to recognize these behaviors before they got out of hand.

Then sometimes I'll see something that reminds me of my stepsons and just feel sad because I miss them. But life goes on, and I find so much joy along the journey.

GG, Hugs back to you. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do think this wave of depression is lifting . I never used to be this way so it is very frustrating though.

I keep telling myself that I was very happy most of the spring and all summer. I am sure I will come around.

Dear Keith,

I went through many rough spots BEFORE the divorce. My xwh left almost immediately after DDay. I went through three years with a lot of confusion, losing my self-esteem, losing my friends, losing trust in people (I am still working on this) and I went through a very long and tiring anger stage.

During and AFTER divorce, I had fewer bumps. I became less angry, I gained back my self-esteem slowly... I don't consider the episodes to be less severe, there are just less episodes. It's been a year after divorce now, and I think there are only two or three episodes in the last year where I am reminded of this period of my life, and was angry or sad. They lasted for around two to five days maximum.

As I am writing this, I also realise there are way more times where I am thankful I am no longer with this person who is immature and has absolutely no integrity. It's not the way I want to live.

R

Ruffled,

I can say my episodes are shorter and further in between. They aren't as severe as when my X left either.

Everything you described is true... my self esteem was so incredibly low and looking back, why? I did not do the things my X did to me and she did it multiple times. With a clearer mind, I can see I actually enabled her to treat me like trash. I now have boundaries...

Also, a neighbor told me today my X was seen with a new boyfriend. It did not bother me... she is his problem now.

The thing the bothers me most also is how little respect my X had for our marraige and for me. When she had these little "flings" over the years, she treated me like dirt. But, I let her do it...

Keith

Keith
I think you should change your statement "The thing the bothers me most also is how little respect my X had for our marraige and for me."

The thing that bothers me most is How Little RESPECT the X had for the MARRIAGE HERSELF AND FOR ME.

Although I have the same feelings about being treated shabbily, I look at it differently.

I tolerated the disrespect. I thought I was learning to be a better person -- to be patient and understanding when x said he is 'tired' or 'stressed' or for whatever reason to justify his behaviour. I gave him the best that I could. He trashed my trust. He manipulated, he took and gave nothing in return.

Of course I feel hurt and angry, but at the end of the day, I know I have given the best of me, and it is x who choose to abuse his privileges in our marriage. He chose to trash all that he had in the marriage. Let him own that action. Does he know or even care that I am hurt and angry? He has lived in denial for so many years.

You know, it is like what they say, keeping the hurt and habouring the pain is like 'drinking poison and hope the other person dies.' I stopped wallowing in pain and self pity... because one day I thought, hey he might be out having a time of his life!

I value my life even if he didn't and my only concern now is to make my life today, and in future, better.

I hope this will be a better week for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gosh does that sound familiar. Over the years I would just tell myself, "Be a better husband and this will work out.".

Now, in hindsight, I don't know how I could have been a better husband. Sure, there are things we all could have done differently but I (like so many here) was lied to so many times that I could not differentiate the lies from the truth. It was a very, very confusing time in my life.

There are few things in life that are as devastating as being betrayed by the person you trust the most....

They say it can take 1 year of recovery for every 5 years of marraige and I totally believe it. I am well over half way then!

I wallowed in misery for a while, then it got too much and I decided I'm wasting my 'youth' in self pity... when you realise your x is way too selfish to think of anyone's happiness, it's time to take your happiness in your own hands!

It's been a year and a half, and I am beginning to get my old routine and other interests back! I love life.

I wonder the same thing - and wonder if I will ever get over it. WH and I still live in the same home (hope to change that soon).
I too think it's about respect or lack thereof. I actually have times when I physically shudder over WH actions. HIs actions are downright frightening. I still can't believe grown adults act this way. THey don't even respect themselves how can we expect them to respect us??? They don't respect the families they destroy the unnecessary pain they cause to everyone around them.

Then I come here to MB and I question myself, I am shocked at how many WW there are, how many men on this BB have been hurt by their WW actions. I guess I was naive enough to think mostly men cheat. I feel sooo sorry for these guys probably because I have seen my WH use many, many MW over the years. It use to be when I met and man and he said his wife cheated, I doubted it. I thought yeah right..Not anymore. My eyes are fully open now.

Even though WH and I don't share a life anymore, and it's been at least 4 years, I have many episodes of saddness /anger/ and still have so many questions, and there is no answer. I do plan on going back to IC, because I hate the fact that I still have any feeling for him or the M.

Hugs and Healing Vibes To All

The first 3 months after D-Day were the most difficult. My stbxw and I lived together for the sake of the kids from Jan - May until they were finished with school for the year. That was extraordinarily difficult for me. I had days I thought I could cope and days where it all seemed hopeless.

I had more or less come to grips with the whole thing around May of '03. By the time the D was final in November I was done and had moved on.

One year after the D, I started dating again and have never looked back. Witchie-poo is some other poor slob's problem now. As far as I am concerned, he's taken "one for the team".

The hardest thing, actually, was the first post-D LTR breakup a few years back. That really hit me hard - almost harder than the A and the D. I think I got cocky - thinking after all the crap I had been through, I couldn't be hurt. Yeah, right.

I was married for 13 years to this person. She is the mother of my children. That is all.

I agree. My first LTR after divorce is still reaking havoc on me...It is hard to get over the breakup of the first major relationship after a divorce...

I have my good days and bad days, but mostly bad right now

Hopefully I will see the silver lining soon and get some esteem back.

Post deleted by new_beginningII

I had a 6 month relationship about 1 1/2 years after my X left. I so thought I was ready but I wasn't even close to being ready. The breakup was very tough but not nearly like my divorce.

I can say the depression I felt when I started this thread is lifting and I have been feeling pretty good lately. I believe this is something I will possibly struggle with for a long time or for the rest of my life.

How would you know when you are ready?

You are definately right here...it does feel like another divorce...it is horrible and a true sign that we weren't ready to date to begin with.

I truly believe that divorce changes our perception on things in life forever, not necessarily in a negative manner,but definately opens our eyes to some things that we had shut them to before.

Very true. There is no doubt in my mind that divorce has changed my perception of relationships. Most change has been for the good, but some of my opinions are now rooted in belief that nothing is forever, that people change, and those who once loved you can later tear you apart.

Nevertheless, I am happier now than I have ever been in my adult life. I am in my 2nd LTR (3 years) with a wonderful woman. The whole "process" of divorce has matured me a lot.

One of my favorite quotes is this, from Annie Hall:

...I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs.

Personally, I think knowing that nothing is forever is really liberating. I'm in a LTR, and I think we'll be together, but that doesn't mean the relationship or either of us will stay the same.... Knowing this, I think I'm more open to change.

Have you all noticed that the 1st LTR after a divorce NEVER works, or if it does, they are very few and far between.

I have never heard anyone say that their 1st LTR after divorce worked. Maybe because we get into them too fast after divorce. A trial and error thing. You know as I was in my LTR I knew the chances of the 1st LTR really working...I knew it was slim to none...but I think it is one of those bumps that we have to cross in order to get to our destination.

Funny, I just got off the phone with a friend who is in the early stages of separation and is going to a support group. She said the counsellor told the group that typically people will go through up to 3-4 rebound relationships after divorce. These RR's are quite different from previous R's in that generally speaking, communication is far better. Some develop in to medium to LTRs, though they still have elements of rebound. If these R's end badly, it can be just as devastating as the D and take you right back to the beginning. But if they come to a healthy end (i.e. mutually through enhanced communication), you can actually grow from them and move on.

I don't know how true this is. I'm in my first one and it's only been 3 1/2 months so it's hardly LT and I'm already seeing signs of the end. He is 1 1/2 years past SA, it's the 2nd R for him and IMHO the signs I'm seeing are due to rebound on his part rather than mine.

1. When you want a relationship but don't need one.
2. When you are happy on your own and can tell yourself you may always be on your own.
3. When other things in your life seem more important than getting into a relationship.
4. When you turn down dates (I thought I would never do that but I have).
5. When you aren't hurting from your divorce.
6. When you actually look forward to being alone.

Very true; especially number 1. Even though my first LTR ended I didn't date other women until I wanted to. That change took place over a year - not wanting to be involved, enjoying my alone time, which my SO and I both need to this day, and realizing that I didn't need another person to "validate" me.

I even posted here a year to the day from D-day about how happy I felt to be free of the toxicity of my M.

How long it takes to achieve all the milestones in the list is, of course, dependent on numerous factors, but it's some of the best advice I've read lately.

I think people that go through 3-4 rebounds must be very slow learners! I dated several people very, very casually after my divorce and then my rebound was at 1 1/2 years after. She was a sweatheart but we have some very different parenting beliefs. Now, I would run from someone that has children that acted like hers, hence, I have learned.

If I date now, after one rebound, my eyes will be wide open. Also, it will be slow to develop as I will want to get to know everything about the person.

Thanks for reminding me men are victims of this too.

I don't miss my WS, but I HATE what WS and D is doing to COM and myself. It is hard to hope that there's decent men/women left when you've been with a serial adulterer.

I hope things continue looking up for you.

BHINWI-
That is a very good list... I agree with it.
I think that a lot of people desperately try to fill the hole in their life after a D with a new R. If they would just realize that they should learn to be happy by themselves and for themselves, it would be so much nicer!

I have actually dated some since my D went through, and since I am not NEEDING a R, I am able to see things a lot clearer.

As far as for how long did it take me to recover from the D? Not too long actually. We were separated for over a year, I mourned the loss of my M then, when the D went through, I shed no tears, I felt relief. It was OVER. No more wondering. It was amazing how once the page turned I felt better.

Me and my EX now are trying to work together with the kids, and I no longer feel 'it' for him anymore. He has moved on, he seems happy, and it does not really bother me. Do I want to see him with OP? Not at this time, but I do not think that it would really matter that much anymore. Sometimes I think that it is better to get a D, then to live forever unhappy. He was not making me happy, I was not making him happy. Together I think that we would not have been able to make each other happy UNLESS we were different people... completely different people. We are not bad people, just two people that did not mesh well together after kids came along.

So, for me, it did not take too long, once I removed my rose colored glasses and saw US for what we were. And I just thought it would be sad to live the rest of our lives not really happy... Right now I am very happy. Life is good. There is a silver lining after you get a D, as long as you look for it, and not always look at the rose colored picture behind you.... move forward, and it will be ok....

BHINWI - I agree with your list. In fact, I can't believe that I have achieved 5 of the 6 on the list.

Since WH & I still share a home, I still have some pain of the pending divorce and the loss of the M, to go thru yet.

The only good thing that came from my WH many A's was my INDEPENDENCE.

I do wonder how many years it will take ,if ever, for me to lose the battle scars of living together but separately?

So let's say you meet someone that has also meet all 6 criteria of your same list. What would want them or myself to have a relationship with somone else? Would they/I want to give up that independence they gained thru D? Have we become to strong/set in our ways to share our life again?

I have confusion of ever wanting a LTR again, sometimes I don't see the point. I see WH still going from OW to OW and not finding happiness, he's not truly happy w/them or wasnt' w/me, so does it really exist?

Someone said, they get pressured because they are in their late 40's and they are told "they are going to end up alone". but, if you are alone in a M or alone/alone, what's the difference?

Hugs

If I met someone with the criteria on my list, it would tell me they are probably ready for a relationship, but that doesn't mean we are compatible.

If someone is ready for a relationship, the rose-colored glasses are off. They will take time to get to know people, casually date a few to compare and see what is out there. I think if one dates this way, they are much more likely to find someone compatable. Also, if they don't find someone, they may be disappointed, but they are still happy.

When I look back at my first (and only) serious relationship after my divorce, I so incredibly overlooked issues that we blantly wrong between us. I did because I NEEDED a relationship rather than want one. The sad part is I had to break a very sweat woman's heart to find this out.

So... if I can prevent ONE person from rebounding, then I have done something good. Don't date before you are ready - you will get hurt and you will hurt your partner.

Keith