hello there

i just need some advice what should i do? I was married for alamost 5 years when my wife left me for someone else. Her relationship with the OM did not work out. Now she is living with her parents. Recently she started to call me and says that she wants to be friends with me agian. But i know ( her sister told me) that she wants to come back. I do not know what to do in this situation. It took me almost three years to recover from the divorce(I went in to depression) . She says that she made a mistake but does not seem remoursful to me. I have talked her many times lately but i am not sure that she feel really bad about what happened. While i was depressed, she was vacationing with OM. She cleverly took the money out our joint account too. but that's all in the past. IN present situation , i am confused. please advice

terminal

Answer is to move slow. You won't be the first to get remarried to their WW. You won't be the last not to get remarried to their WW.


Questions to better advise you:

What are your ages?
Any kids?
How long have you been divorced?
When did you find out about the affair, D day?
How did you find out?
How long was the affair?
How did she meet the?
How did the affair end?
How long has WW been living with her parents?
Has your WW done and IC, individual counseling after her affair?

You don't want to be her rebound until something "better" comes along.

Yes, move slow. Identify the parts you played in the divorce. Don't make the same mistakes twice.

It's obvious you are still hurting and here she comes back. But she's not remorseful. That's a huge warning sign. I wouldn't trust her.

Do you want her? If you could choose anyone in the world right now, would you choose her?

The situation is fraught with danger:
1. She wants back simply because she is too insecure to be alone.
2. You take her back because that means you won, and OM lost; because it proves how valuable you are.
3. You take her back because you've idealized "what could have been."

And probably a hundred other scenarios.

From what you've said, you divorced at least 3 years ago. That's a long time. It's not like she walked out 3 months ago or even a year ago, and realized what a terrible thing she had done.

Good luck

Start meeting for dinner once a month, at a safe place where you can talk. And leave if you don't get along or argue. If she's not willing to accept that, then she's just looking for a guy - any guy - to take care of her. If so, she chose you because she was pretty sure you'd take her back.

Terminal,

Ok, This is simple, it just may not be easy.

Simple question: What has changed?

I mean what about her world view and perspective has changed from when she dumped you? I mean I know OM is gone, but other than that what has changed about her?

You see burning the eggs is a mistake. Losing your keys is a mistake. Dumping your H is NOT a mistake, that is a decision, perhaps a bad decision but a decision nevertheless. This means that if internally NOTHING has changed, she is fully capable of making yet another bad decision and you would be gone again.

If you had a friend, wouldn't you expect to trust them?
Wouldn't you expect them to support you?
Wouldn't you expect honesty from them?

You have not mentioned if your x has been to counseling. Recommitted to her faith or done anything that would suggest she sees the world differently or for that matter you differently.

If nothing is changed, nothing changes.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL