Can our marriage be saved? - 12/08/09 11:49 PM
Hi Everyone,
I don't want to get too caught up in background info and will give more below. But here's where my wife and I are at:
-wife filed for divorce in July, was told by her counselor, who we saw together only three times (the last time she saw us said we just need to spend time together on dates without the baby twice a week, this was 3 days before d-announcement) to not to offer me chances to change if she thought our problems were not solvable. So, she said "not negotiable." Did not want to spend five minutes on counseling. Wanted to divorce me as rapidly as possible and move on.
-I was asked to leave the house (there's no infidelity, drugs, alcohol, or abuse), probably so that she could start getting temporary support. Mistake, but I did.
-ended up in court because w controlled access to our son (was 5 months old at the time) and I wanted more than the 2 hours/week she was allowing me.
-Six months later: Court got nasty and we've both spent thousands of dollars on attorneys in negotiating for support, child custody, etc and wish I could've avoided that but we both felt forced into it by the other, like some greek tragedy.
-I've been improving myself with weekly counseling, reading Harley's books, etc, throughout this process and have also read extensively about the terrible effects of divorce on a child, especially in later life. Because of the effects of divorce on children, I want to do what it takes to stop the divorce for the sake of our son, but really try to rebuild our marriage in the process.
-I've agreed to make some major concessions, including giving up overnights with my son, higher temporary payments, funding an education fund, and paying several thousand dollars in w's attorney fees in exchange for w agreeing to really give marital counseling a good shot until July. She hasn't yet agreed, but might be close.
-Our animosity and mistrust is high. The divorce process seems to have erased all kindness.
W believes our marital problems are "unsolvable" and that we would have to rebuild the marriage. I love her dearly and believe we've just experienced many of the things normal couples do when they have a child, but w believes the problems are extreme and unique and wants to scrap it all just a few months after the birth of our son, moving to a different city, working remotely (me) for the first time, starting a new job (w) for the first time, and having to handle long-distance visitation (me, for my other kids) for the first time. W and her parents believe it is a fine time to divorce.
I think my wife is a good person and really wants the best for herself, but hasn't fully considered the long-term impact on our child. Nor have we really given our marriage a shot at fixing it. Far far from it.
So, can someone like Harley help us save our marriage at this point? I'm asking my wife to give it a really good shot for the sake of our son--to use that the common catalyst for motivation to create a good marriage environment for each other.
I don't want an answer like "that depends on you." But more like is it possible? Has it been done? What does it take? What can I do to do my best to ensure success? Has he saved your marriage?
*************
Additional details: w said she left because she felt abandoned when I had to visit my other kids every three weeks for a few days in a town 5-6 hours away. (W has mother, retired, and father in town, 5 minutes away, to help with childcare pretty much any time). W said she has changed since childbirth and I'm not the right person now. Said (now) that she's always thought I was controlling and that's another reason she left. W was mad that when we were first dating, my previous divorce was not yet finalized and that I didn't tell her that then (the overlap was around 8 months; that was thoughtless and wrong of of me, but I simply did not want to get her involved in the divorce details, which dragged on for 2 years before that 8 months of overlap). We have an 18 year age difference and w is 30 and a first-time mom who views things more in black-and-white terms. W's parents, who I got along extremely well with, support the divorce and believe that "divorce will not affect our son at all" (I'm serious, this is a quote and they DO believe it).
I don't want to get too caught up in background info and will give more below. But here's where my wife and I are at:
-wife filed for divorce in July, was told by her counselor, who we saw together only three times (the last time she saw us said we just need to spend time together on dates without the baby twice a week, this was 3 days before d-announcement) to not to offer me chances to change if she thought our problems were not solvable. So, she said "not negotiable." Did not want to spend five minutes on counseling. Wanted to divorce me as rapidly as possible and move on.
-I was asked to leave the house (there's no infidelity, drugs, alcohol, or abuse), probably so that she could start getting temporary support. Mistake, but I did.
-ended up in court because w controlled access to our son (was 5 months old at the time) and I wanted more than the 2 hours/week she was allowing me.
-Six months later: Court got nasty and we've both spent thousands of dollars on attorneys in negotiating for support, child custody, etc and wish I could've avoided that but we both felt forced into it by the other, like some greek tragedy.
-I've been improving myself with weekly counseling, reading Harley's books, etc, throughout this process and have also read extensively about the terrible effects of divorce on a child, especially in later life. Because of the effects of divorce on children, I want to do what it takes to stop the divorce for the sake of our son, but really try to rebuild our marriage in the process.
-I've agreed to make some major concessions, including giving up overnights with my son, higher temporary payments, funding an education fund, and paying several thousand dollars in w's attorney fees in exchange for w agreeing to really give marital counseling a good shot until July. She hasn't yet agreed, but might be close.
-Our animosity and mistrust is high. The divorce process seems to have erased all kindness.
W believes our marital problems are "unsolvable" and that we would have to rebuild the marriage. I love her dearly and believe we've just experienced many of the things normal couples do when they have a child, but w believes the problems are extreme and unique and wants to scrap it all just a few months after the birth of our son, moving to a different city, working remotely (me) for the first time, starting a new job (w) for the first time, and having to handle long-distance visitation (me, for my other kids) for the first time. W and her parents believe it is a fine time to divorce.
I think my wife is a good person and really wants the best for herself, but hasn't fully considered the long-term impact on our child. Nor have we really given our marriage a shot at fixing it. Far far from it.
So, can someone like Harley help us save our marriage at this point? I'm asking my wife to give it a really good shot for the sake of our son--to use that the common catalyst for motivation to create a good marriage environment for each other.
I don't want an answer like "that depends on you." But more like is it possible? Has it been done? What does it take? What can I do to do my best to ensure success? Has he saved your marriage?
*************
Additional details: w said she left because she felt abandoned when I had to visit my other kids every three weeks for a few days in a town 5-6 hours away. (W has mother, retired, and father in town, 5 minutes away, to help with childcare pretty much any time). W said she has changed since childbirth and I'm not the right person now. Said (now) that she's always thought I was controlling and that's another reason she left. W was mad that when we were first dating, my previous divorce was not yet finalized and that I didn't tell her that then (the overlap was around 8 months; that was thoughtless and wrong of of me, but I simply did not want to get her involved in the divorce details, which dragged on for 2 years before that 8 months of overlap). We have an 18 year age difference and w is 30 and a first-time mom who views things more in black-and-white terms. W's parents, who I got along extremely well with, support the divorce and believe that "divorce will not affect our son at all" (I'm serious, this is a quote and they DO believe it).