I am new here and having been searching for some answers or at least some advice, and I hope to find it here. I am 34 and my ex husband is 36, we were married for 8 years and have a 4 year old daughter. I had an affair last year and decided to leave my husband because I thought this new guy was my soul mate, well I have been back and forth with him for over a year now and I feel as though I am addicted to him or something because I do still care alot about my husband even though we were legally divorced as of October 2009. I know my husband feels so much betrayal towards me but I also know that he stills cares for me, he has told me this. He is dating someone and now tells me they are serious but I know he stills cares for me. Well I have dedicated my life to the Lord and I feel as though I need to fight for my marriage now, but I don't know where to start and what to do??? Should I even try to fix my marriage or should I just move on?? Me and my ex have a great relationship for our daughter we talk daily and care for each other but is that enough??

Since you've given your life to the Lord, have you stopped giving your heart and your body to the man you had the affair with?

Because if you haven't stopped that, there is no hope of bringing your marriage back.

I'm sorry if my question is vulgar and crude. But it's an important piece of information people need to know to help you.

And adultery is just that: vulgar and crude. You're going to need to make sure that you come to agree with that.

I haven't completely quit seeing the guy I had the affair with but I am convicted of it everyday and I am making small steps to get away from him, but you feel addicted it is hard but God is helping me with this. I want my husband to forgive me and I honestly understand that this cannot happen until I have NO contact with the other guy. Is it ever possible that the other guy really is your soul mate or is it just lust??

If you believe in the Bible, no, your soul mate is the person you promised your soul to when you stood up in front of the world and pledged yourself to him. By rights you belonged to him when you gave yourself to someone else.

Search your Bible far and wide, you won't find some concept of "soul mates."

What you can find, is that if two people are willing, they can create compatibility with each other and a feeling of romantic love in each other. If you and your husband are both willing, the tools to do that are right here on this website!

There is no reason this has to be a gradual process of small steps.

How important is it to get back the marriage you want?

As long as you want that marriage, you should not be seeing the man who led to its downfall!!!

Who has custody of the daughter you had together?

Soul Mate, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, all the same thing.

Hit notify on your post and ask a Mod to move this to "Surviving An Affair"
You get more advice that way.

Berkleydog, the man you call your husband is no longer that. You divorced. He appears to have moved on.

You say you "know" he still cares for you, but do not give any evidence to support this assertion. He is dating someone and it's "serious."

Unless you make a complete, total and PERMANENT break with the Other Man (OM), you will only be causing your former husband further abuse on top of your affair by attempting to rekindle something that isn't honest. Are you really that selfish?

And I hope you understand that your former husband is the one who can determine if he wants to recover what used to be your marriage. I'm not saying once divorced you can never re-marry, but divorce is as solemn a choice and commitment as is marriage.

The two of you have a child together, so you are intertwined for as long as she is a minor. He may choose to not be any closer to you than as your child's father. That is his right to choose.

Yes, I'm you. Because I have been in your husband's shoes -without the child- and the most emotionally traumatic thing I can think of right now is my soon-to-be ex-wife deciding she wants to "see if things between us might be possible again." Because that's what it sounds like to me: You aren't committing to your past marriage, but are simply trying to have your cake and eat it, too.

Please read "Surviving an Affair." Because the burden falls right on your shoulders -- and it's a very heavy burden. Right now, you don't sound to me like you're up to it.

Isn't it amazing how in the throws of affair passion a wayward spouse can't see the good qualities of the marriage they have, but over time they look back and say, 'I wish I had my marriage back.' You made a choice to have an affair. You Ex-DH had no choice, except to adapt to the situation you thrust upon him. It appears he has done well for himself. Your 'choice' to have an affair gave him a 'get out of marriage free' card. As other posters have said here, it is now his choice whether or not to take you back, and it would be extremely selfish of you to do things which might undermine his new relationship. You need to understand, by asking him to reconcile, you are asking him to re-open a very painful wound in his life. One that he may not be willing to re-open. You can only ask, DO NOT MEDDLE IN HIS NEW LIFE!!!

Berklydog, I have lived through this situation, just six months ago. My ExWW and I have 2 wonderful kids together, and after 13 great years of marriage, she made the choice to have an affair and once discovered, abandoned her family for the 'man of her dreams'. 8 months later she spent 40 days in jail, and will have on-going legal issues for years to come, because of their collective stupidity. Once released she begged me to take her back, saying she knew I had numerous questions & conditions. Well I did have questions & conditions, but she wasn't willing to give me the answers I NEED. As a result, I am Happily Moving On.

If you are not ready or willing to 'come clean' on what caused you to make the choice you made, then you need to move on in life as your FORMER husband appears to have done. As I have told my ExWW, You need a lot of truthful & honest counseling to understand and appreciate the magnitude of the pain your choice has caused to your ExDH and children. As a BS who has been asked and begged to accept my ExWW back, I will tell you, if you are not willing to COMMIT to counseling and marital recovery, I would not want you back. Actions speak louder than words.

Best regards, and may God be with you on your journey.

I will remain strong for my children, Army Strong!

Im not going to be begging my ex husband back, I just want to know that there is hope for us one day. I am going to be living my life right and showing him actions rather than words and hopefully God will bring us back together. We have joint custody of our daughter, he has here every other weekend and on Monday and Wednesday nights, we live only 15 minutes apart, so we both do all we can for her together and seperate, that is one thing that we definitely agree on, she comes FIRST!! Is there anyone out there who has been divorced and remarried to their ex and it actually work??

And yet the title of your thread is 'I want my marriage back'.


You want your XH to sit around and wait for you and OM to get tired of each other?


I question whether continuing with your affair partner is living your life right. What do you think you are teaching your daughter? That marriage is disposable?


Hope is not a plan. How about doing something?

There is a story about a man stuck on an island as the river rose. A rescue team threw him a rope and he refused to grab it because �God Saves�. The river rose and the rescue team sent a boat to him and he refused to get in because �God Saves�. The river rose and he climbed the flag pole and a helicopter came by to pick him up and he refused to get in because �God Saves�. He finally drowned and when he stood before God, he was miffed. �Why didn�t you save me?� he screamed out. God looked down and said �I sent you a rope, a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?�

I do want my marriage back but I don't think at this point begging is an option. I don't expect my ex husband to sit and wait on me that would be foolish after everything I have done to him but I would like to know that I still have a place in his heart and that in time maybe we do have a chance at reconciliation. I definitely don't want my daughter to think that marriage is indisposable, my parents are still together and even though it may not seem like it I never wanted divorced I had the affair and it was wrong but my exhusband is who filed for the divorce I guess I could have fought him on it but I didn't and again I can't go back I can only go forward.

There are some present and past posters on the Surviving an Affair forum who divorced and then later remarried. Some may visit this forum, but my suggestion to you would be to "lurk" there and read for a few days. You will find them eventually, and then you might be able to engage them in discussion on how they managed to recover their marriage.

You are still with AP?

You do not deserve your BH. Sorry, and yes, you must beg and plead. "I've given myself to the Lord". Which lord are you talking about? Jesus Christ who died, was buried and rose again? Or some new age feel good jesus.

I'm sorry, but you do not want your marriage back enough to get off the fence, get rid of the guy, tell everyone you know to make you accountable to the addiction of OM and tell your XBH that you know what you lost and you will wait as a single person without seeing anyone (at all) and prove to XBH that he is who you want to spend everlasting life with.

You have to let him decide to let you be single without dating even if it's years, then deal with the fact that any time if you were to remarry that he could divorce you without question if he thinks you are in A agian.

I guess being harsh is good to hear but WOW you all are some harsh people with alot of anger

You're correct...you cannot go back. No one can. Going forward, however, means dealing with the past.

Have you done a lot of self-searching? Written down an amends list? Did you undo a lot of the fog, which is generated from self-lies you bought into, resentment and entitlement?

That isn't begging...it's ownership. You can do none of that if you permit yourself any contact with OM. He didn't care about your marriage, your daughter...he didn't care about how much pain his choices caused innocent others. He's not someone you can have a life with because of that.

When you get to your deepest truth of yourself, you will see that...and the very thought of him will make you sick. Don't confuse it with feeling ill over your choices. You'll have that, too. Healing the past is making amends in the present...

Making a list of all the people your A hurt is important, too.

Don't set your goals based on probabilities--that has more self-deception in it. Base it on who you are now, reborn...where the pivotal choices you make are based on doing the right thing whether it gets you want or not.

Redemption is a really tough road, walked over many years...I cannot imagine not walking it. If I didn't, I'd keep repeating the harm, and the harm would be magnified, compounded, again, because of my own choices.

LA

Don't lay this at God's feet. God has given you a wonderful Book to guide you and tell you right from wrong, and also led you to this website full of wonderful people who can offer you additional advice and guidance. He's given you all the tools to do what you need to do, and He expects you to do it.


I don't think anyone has told you to beg ... maybe you should read through the basic concepts on this site, and the plan for affair recovery (which you can see here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...wflat&Main=147963&Number=2002600) and see what you think about the process.

It would be wrong to assume every person on one website thinks exactly alike.

berk,

Not at all. Believe me, I've had 2x4s banged on my head.

No... logically look at it this way. You've admitted to the addiction, so you need to help your own accountablility.

If it was booze, you would have everyone accounting to you and you would either have to hit bottom or see it coming. You did and you still kept going on... how else do you want us to see it? Tell me if this makes sense to you:

Alcoholic looses family, now he's sorry and wants his family back, but will not end drinking and in reality wants the family to just come back because he's got his verbal abuse under control. He doesn't really want to show how badly he wants his family back by getting a job, stop drinking and spending time with them only and not his best friend the... the booze.

You want your husband to do what? What are you willing to do, just state the fact that you want your marriage back? In MB concepts the wayward spouse has no more rights in the relationship anymore until the betrayed says "Ok, I feel xx% better."

You see right now you are STILL fence sitting AND you divorced him. Don't say he divorced me. He had all the right to do that and it is obvious it was justified as you ARE STILL with the OM. So now you MIGHT be able to get him back IF you are WILLING to do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to get him bac...

... you are at the right place and you will get a beating, but everyone on here wants to see you recover, but you cannot have it both ways!

I hope you are not in one of those weird churches that promotes "if I have enough faith I will be healed and all will be well".

Be changed by the renewing of of your mind is God inpired to Paul in his teaching. You will be judged also by your conscience. If you want your M back you need to fight, fight, fight for it. And to keep it you need to fight, fight, fight. If you are now born again, you know that satan and his minions are real and there is a battle going on for your soul. You need to know what is right and fight for it. I truly believe you know what it is, but I also believe you may not want to fight for it.

No, it isn't anger.

Can you imagine what it could be that isn't anger?

I will tell you if you will listen. But only after you think about it and try to imagine why it isn't anger.

Larry

You could dump your boyfriend, promise to never date or become entangled with any other man except your former husband as long as you live, and even hold yourself to that promise. You could live like a nun, but that alone wouldn't get your husband back.

It's just not about you now or your actions anymore, except that some of them make the regret you express ring pretty hollow. Your former husband was hurt terribly by what you did, and he has every right to protect himself and think about his needs apart from yours.

Im listening!!!!!

Berkly

Listen to the folks here. My WW and I have been separated for 18 months. She is currently in her second "serious relationship". I am in the middle of filing for D. Does this mean I don't care for her. Absolutely not. I still do very much but I've come to muchthe same conclusion your XH has. I'm in a position where I feel, for my own well being, I must move on. I would be more than willing to take her back under the right conditions, even after divorce. Those conditions have been outlined to her in Plan B letter. They do not include continueing to see OM. If your XH has in fact told you he still cares for you then you are in a good position to recover and RENEW your marriage. Follow the principles here in MB and take the advice folks are trying to give you.

1st step: STOP SEEING OTHER MAN. ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. How is your XH supposed to know you want your marriage back if you won't take this first step? TALK is cheap. Do it!!

You haven't "completely quit seeing the guy". What do you see in this man? He knew you were married and still made a joint decision with you to destroy your marriage. This is not a decision that can just go away. Your former husband is now happy in a serious relationship. Why are you trying to ruin that for him? It is not hard to stop contact with the OM, you are an adult and need to make adult decisions. You think drug addicts get off drugs by slowly working their way off of them?

You have no idea what it feels like to get betrayed, there is a lot of hurt you go through. When that happens, you shield yourself. You act like we should feel sorry for you?

I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me and I don't understand how some of you can even say that, my only question was do you think it is possible to recover my marriage after a divorce?? Lookin4serenity really answered that question for me, so thank you!! And FYI I have quit all contact with the other guy!!

No one escapes an addiction, by trying small steps. You either quit and hang on through the withdrawl, or you remain addicted.
Addictions have consequences. You chose your addiction over your family. Now you want to know if it would be alright if you could approach your ex-husband, to see if you can repair your marriage? While still hanging on to the addiction that caused the break-up?

Go read Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs book "I do again" Your marriage can be resurrected with God's help, but it is a long road ahead of you. It took her 7 years before her ex-husband felt that he could trust her again.
Are you even to willing to show remorse for what happened, and turn away from the OM that helped break your family in the first place?

There are no guarantees. Your husbands wound may be so deep that he sees no future with you ever again. I will pray for you and your husband and expecially your son. Our kids get the fallout from our stupid choices. We like to tell them it isn't their fault, and then explain how they will be shuttled back and forth between housholds (at best) or how they will lose one of the two people who mean the most to them in the whole world. But it's not their fault.

Berkley

I should have put a caveat on my situation inthat it is different than yours regarding you XH relationship. I am not in any kind of relationship and intend to stay that way through our divorce. That being said, I can't profess how i would feel if i were in a "serious relatinship".

He's the guy you committed ADULTERY with. Use grown up words.
Grown up words. Please. He's NOT your soul mate, he's your ADULTERY partner.

I do not believe you are a good risk for your former H.
Does your adultery partner KNOW you think you "might" want to reconcile your marriage? Or, are you dishonest with him too? Was your ADULTERY partner also married?



Have you ever noticed, how LITTLE your posts have focused on the needs of your child?
Do you think, for one second, your little child gives a rat's patooty whether or not her Mommy is "soul mates" with her adultery partner ... the man who helped destroy her family?

Let us know when it's been 4 weeks of ZERO contact.
Nothing.
Nada.
No texts.
No emails.
No FB peeking.
No photos.

ZERO contact.

After 4 weeks ... ask for suggestions to help you possibly show WH you are available.

After 4 weeks of NO CONTACT what-so-ever ... you will get a flood of help.

Hmmm almost 5 weeks since the last post. Wonder if Berkleydog1 went NC with her affair partner?