I've been separated from my H since mid March of this year. Ours was a very long-term marriage but also one destroyed by my H's continual LBing, including verbal abuse, some PA, refusal to address our issues, lack of communication and decades of sexlessness. My story is elsewhere on the Board so I won't go into detail.

Suffice it to say I left because I saw no alternative and the unhappiness and continual stress were starting to destroy my mental and physical health. My H also has a progressive disease which complicates things further ( an extreme understatement).

I realize that healing from this will be a long process in in my case may never truly happen.

I'm having a very hard time dealing with leaving, even though I know it had to happen. My stxh has gone NC during this entire period, so it makes me feel as though he is glad I left and was just waiting all these years for me to take action.

But our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and then there are the holidays to contend with.

How do you deal with the constant grief?

Me 58; stbx 60
married over 35 years
separated since March 2010

Hi, mugs.

First, when dealing with grief you need to figure out what you are grieving and that means taking a hard look at reality. Don't allow yourself to sugarcoat what was. How many of your anniversaries were happy? How many times was the day after the anniversary happy?

My guess is you are grieving the end of that particular dream--that you could be happily married until death do you part to that particular man.

You are also grieving the loss of your old routine. This is normal too. The world got shaken up a bit, and that's scary.

And as for wondering if he was just waiting for you to take action... well, there's a 50/50 chance that was the case. But, in the end, does it matter? Your ex was an abusive jerk. Not talking to you could even be an attempt to punish you or manipulate you into begging him to take you back.

The first years are the hardest. Gather friends round you. Make plans shortly for the holidays. Start a new tradition for yourself. And remember, some days, all you have to do, all you can do is survive and wake up the next morning. As you discover loneliness won't kill you, you get used to being alone more and it creates a new normal.

How many anniveraries were happy? I really can't remember H ever doing anything really special other than occasionally bring home flowers. The last few years he forgot our anniverary completey and then got mad at me for failing to remind him!

Our whole marriage was pretty much like that -- he never did anything to make me feel special or appreciated. If he had I wouldn't be on this Board.

I guess I'll just feel sad on the day because I was so young and full of hope when I married and it all went sour pretty fast.

Thanks Greengables for your response. I'll be in salvage mode for a long time to come and just pray I can stil get through all this with my sanity intact.

I plan to ask H to draft his separation agreement this week and I'm also beginning work on mine.

Have you done this yet? Because...if you haven't that was nearly 2 months ago.

I think getting this part done will help somewhat with closure, but you also have to remember that divorce is akin to death in some ways, and it's liable to take a few years for you to heal from this. Also, it could very well be that you've been grieving so long - for years really - from the disappointment of your marriage, that maybe you just aren't sure how to feel, now that the dynamics are changing for the better.

I wonder if it could be that you've felt so emotionally enslaved for so many years, now that you're 'free' so to speak, you really don't know what to do with yourself, perhaps?

Are you legally separated, or just physically? Will your divorce go through in March, if the separation agreement is done?

Hi Soolee:




Hi Soolee:

I wrote H a few weeks ago to ask him to put some money into my bank account (we're both retired). He replied very unemotionally, and then asked if I was "keeping well otherwise."
That's all I got after 38 years of marriage. I haven't asked him about a divorce agreemet yet because I've felt too drained to think about it. But in Canada, where I live, you're legally separated once either partner leaves the home. If we can get the agreement in place by March, the D could be final then. I don't know what will happen if H has any major health issues in the meantime. Right now, his MS is stable.

I've also been doing a life/marriage review and just keep shaking my head that I didn't/couldn't do more to turn things around early on. There was no MB program when I was a young wife and I was, frankly, bewildered, shocked and at a loss as to how to cope wih an H who yelled and screamed, and didn't want SF. I kept trying to do all the things one is supposed to do - stay attractive, cook well, keep a nice home, bring in an income -- but in the end H always found fault. The two previous sepaatons were just a exercise in frustration, since things never really improved, in fact I think H just resented me more. I guess it all boils down to being "unequally yoked".

I'm 58 and at a total loss as to how to go on.

Mugs, your H was a nut who abused you. Nothing you did or didn't do could have changed that.

At 58, you do the same things as at 48 or 38. You put one foot in front of the other. You take care of yourself. Try something new. Make a new friend. Ask for help and motivation when you need it.

As Kay pointed out to someone else, you have possibly another 40 years of life left. It's most likely going to be a lot better than the previous 40. And you may find someone later who would be a good spouse for you. You're going to be fine.

If we can get the agreement in place by March, the D could be final then. I don't know what will happen if H has any major health issues in the meantime. Right now, his MS is stable.

Mugs...I really think you need to push yourself to do this. You've got 6 months. Just do it. Six months have gone by already. Just get this part done. If he backslides afterwards health-wise, you'll be less likely to back down on the divorce. You need to take this next step towards ending it. Soon.

Mugs...you're stalling on this because it's one step closer to finality, and that's scaring you. This is something you can control, and you're not taking the wheel, possibly because you'll feel responsible for being instrumental in the divorce.

He's been slowly divorcing from you over the course of 38 years, mugs. This is just a formality, an area of the situation where YOU finally have some control. Take it. Wish him well, and move on with your life.

Mugs,
I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm turning 58 in three weeks and I know how it feels to be at that juncture and just starting over again so to speak.
GreenGables gave you some very good advice so not much to add to it.
Once the agreement is in place, the worst part will be behind you, then you can focus on healing and building your life instead of looking at the broken pieces. It will all get better, you'll see.

So sorry Mugs. I spent our 10th anniversary cooped up in a small room discussing my sons special needs with WH there next to me. It was the first time we had been in the same room in over 6 months. He made no mention of the anniversary and I went home and cried for hours. Not the 10th I began planning over 2 years ago. Anyway, as I looked back on the past anniversaries, I remembered how hopelessly lonely and unfulfilled I was in my marriage. Being separated DOES sugarcoat the past somewhat. The pain of going through the divorce from an extremely abusive man erased the memories of all the painful anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas' etc. where I was rejected, abused, and belittled. Neither side of the D is a good side to be on, but being on this side provides at the least, something to look forward to in the future. Stuck in that abusive marriage and you wouldn't have that little bit of hope. (That may very well one day lead to a whole lot of happiness and fulfillment.)

My advice, plan those pivitol days ahead with loved ones and friends who make you laugh. Plan a trip. Mix it up and do something different. The past traditions probably aren't something worth lamenting about anyway.

And get that separation agreement ASAP! Feel better and be good to yourself Mugs.

Thanks everyone -- I didn't have computer access for ten days so will respond tomorrow when I've had some time to put some thoughts in order. My first reaction to all your comments is that you are all so dead on and I have to get moving on this now.

Anniversary day is in approx one week -- I thought about sending my D note to H this week, but can't make myself do it. This time of year is so full of memories for me-- all the pre-wedding planning, H's relatives coming over from overseas to stay with my parents etc. I just can't make myself do this until after "A-day" has passed. So the e-mail will go out in a couple of weeks.

He continues to be in NC with me for the most part, which in a way should make things easier, but it doesn't - just makes me more tense. Perhaps it's a tactic he's using to break down my resolve to get out.

I've started a new exercise program in the meantime, and am planning a visit to see my cousin in a few weeks. If I can get past the next three months and into the New Year without backsliding, I'll be on my way to D by next spring.

Me 58
STBXH 60
married 38 years -- H a verbal abuser and SF refuser for most of the M; possible EA with a friend (he never admitted to it ).
separated March 2010
H has been in 98% NC ever since.

There you go! Working on yourself and filling your life is the best approach!

To me, an anniversary is a time to celebrate your marriage. What is there to celebrate? If you want to terminate your marriage, then I would not do anything. I realize what you really want is a husband who makes you feel loved, but after 38 years this guy is clearly not going to so it, so I would not take any actions that promote or celebrate your marriage if your goal is divorce.

Anniversary is today so have spent the morning crying on and off and taking lorazepam.

I have never, in over 35 years, spent that day anywhere else but with stbxh -- please say a prayer for me and for him that this is all for the best and we will both find happiness ultimately.

thank you

I don't see how Valium will help, you need diversion, go out with a friend, spend time doing something you enjoy, get your mind off estranged husband. It'll get better all in due time, I know it's hard, esp. since you have so much history together, but if it isn't good history, there isn't a lot to mourn. Right now your life with him is familiar but in time, you will build a new life. I'm sorry you're going through all these emotions, I know it's hard.

Thanks-- I got through the day. Went out leaf-peeping with a friend and tried not to indulge in all the sadness.

It would be easier if our history had been all bad. but it wasn't. I tend to think about him in his good moments, while glossing over the bad. And it does hurt that he's gone totally NC since I left, though can't say as I blame him. I don't know how I would handle contact anyway -- would probably lose my resolve to stay out and wind up back where I started six years ago, when I left before. Back then I told him that the lack of intimacy (physical and emotional) was devastating me, and his response was that we just didn't "click". I went back anyway and of course things got worse. I could have dealt with the lack of sex, if only he had wanted to meet at least some of my needs. But every attempt by me to talk was met by anger and stonewalling. Or he would simoply tell me that if I couldn't deal with things, to go live with my mother.

Sorry for rambling. I start out hopeful but by this time of the day the amxiety sets in again.


Me 58; stbxh 60.
Married over 35 years.
Legally separated since March of this year.
STBXH has been NC since I left. No affair, just years of neglect and VA, some PA.

Hang in there, you have been with this abusive man for 35 years. It will take a while to heal and become "yourself" again (and get used to no one abusing or neglecting you).

I'm sorry, that must have really hurt. I've been there! I've heard instead of trying to fix a broken relationship/person, find a healthy one that works! For myself, I'm not even interested in looking, too busy taking care of my home anyway.

I've decided to change my name here in case my H reads this Board.

I don't think he'd react well to what I've written here and things would just get more difficult.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I was reading your post and it reminded me of my XH. When I asked him to meet some need or another - he used to just say that I married the wrong person. When I asked him if his drinking was going to destroy our marriage he responded "probably". When he told me he was a sexual predator - I was dumbstruck.

I guess what I'm saying is that these men are telling us their truth. I never wanted to believe him - but I should have.

Hang in there...every week will get a little better. Happiness is there for the taking - choose it for yourself.

SB...I respect your decision to change your name, but I think you are obsessing again, to be honest. I think you're spending too much time daydreaming about what you'd like him to do - and that's to take an interest in reconciling and figuring out what you need to get back together.

It would make you feel better to know that he's interested enough in what's making you so resolute - enough to scout out marriage forums looking for you...I think that's natural to want that.

And now you're worrying that what you've posted will decrease your chances of reconciliation if he sees what you've written. Would you post differently, less truthfully from the beginning, if you knew he'd see it for sure? That's the mindset that put you back in the marriage with no improvements 6 years ago!

SB...he knows how to contact you. He has chosen, chosen not to. I know that hurts. I'm sorry. Sometimes people hurt us with their words and actions...sometimes they hurt us with what they don't say and don't do.

Well, he always said if I ever left him again, that would be it.

He has enough to deal with, fighting his illness. He didn't want to deal with my unhappiness too. Now we will fall into the "marriages that break up due to a chronic illness of one of the spouses" and he will tell everyone that that's the reason I left. I will forever more be the bad person. And sometimes I really believe that I am, and wonder if all this heartache of leaving is truly worth it.

I wonder if the rules change when a spouse has an illness. Does that mean they're no longer responsible for contributing in any way to the marriage. Do they get a pass on bad behaviour ( when it's not caused by mental decline)?

I think instead of focusing on what he thinks/says/does/will do, it'd be good to focus on making your life better, and of course being able to speak your mind honestly would fall into that category. If you can't be free to really be yourself, what good is it?

I finally sent H a note asking him to contact a lawyer and begin work on a separation agreement. He's been NC since I left and I really don't know whether it's because he is furious, trying to delay things or using it as a tactic to manipulate my feelings in some way.

I sent the note this am but am afraid to look to see if he's responded. How pathetic is that?

He wrote back yesterday and asked what I thought should be included in the separation agreement. Still a very unemotional tone in his notes.

I am feeling very weary already and the D proces is just starting. He also mentioned he is now in a wheelchair a good part of the time and that he is concerned about being impoverished. We are in very good shape in that area so
I don't know why he said that except to make me feel worse. Besides I am quite prepared to take less than my share if it makes a difference to his long term needs.

Never asked how I am doing.

He also mentioned he is now in a wheelchair a good part of the time and that he is concerned about being impoverished. We are in very good shape in that area so
I don't know why he said that except to make me feel worse.

Sit down today and figure out what you want physically and financially and give that wording back to him.

I would not respond to the remarks about being in a wheelchair verbatim. That will show him that you read it and that it affected you. He needs to accept for his own good that the marriage and the idea of you living with him is out of reach.

What you could do, however, is remind him that his physical care will not be compromised by the divorce, and the (fill in the blank...caregivers/agencies) are well equipped to handle any fluctuations in his health.

This divorce is a formality. He divorced you romantically and emotionally years ago...many years ago, in fact. You deserve better. Salvage the rest of your life and wish the man well. He could have helped to fortify and strengthen the marriage when he was healthier. He CHOSE not to. Those decisions he made were made consciously. He was given plenty of warning, fully knowing the possibilities of his declining health and knowing the possibility of divorce. He chose to take you for granted and bank on your sympathy.

You were not his employee; you were his wife. Somewhere along the line, I think he forgot that fact.

You know, skyblue - I'm angry for you that he would try and manipulate you that way...(Sigh)

I would also remind him somehow that there is no hope for the relationship, your decision is made and final, and that if he ever loved you at all, he will accept that you need to salvage at least some happiness for yourself and wish you well. You gave up children. You gave up a sex life. You gave up much happiness for this man. That is not what marriage is - a long stream of sacrifices and little else.

Thanks Soolee, you speak the truth about my marriage. Thinking about it fills me with sadness and regret. Both H and I have lost alot of happiness over the years. I was so in love when I married him and to this day have a hard time dealing with his big and small rejections of me over the years. He's now going to be facing his 60's and beyond alone with a crippling illness.
I have to start over at this stage of my life, and will have to spend alot of time in therapy no doubt trying to reach some degree of healing.

I've been doing alot of reading on narcissism and stbxh fits the pattern. It would explain alot about his sense of entitlement, lack of empathy for me and lack of emotion re our divorce.

I'll take your points and use them in my response to him. I think the only thing he's really concerned about is the money and keeping as much as he can.

Me 58;him 61 -- stbx was EA and PA with me
married 35 plus
separated 3/31/2010

Please, PLEASE, do not let him emotionally manipulate you. Let the state set the guidelines for fair recompense or support and offer no more. He is responsible for himself, not you. What would he do with his finances and disability if he had not met you? He would not be your problem then and he will not be your problem when you are divorced. The man makes me seethe just hearing it! I despise people who hide behind their disability and use it to manipulate. I have a sister who is Quadriplegic so I am well accustomed to disabilities.

He knows that saying these things to me, even in a dispassionate way, will send me spinning. And of course I am upset to hear about all this. He was having some prostate trouble last year so I'm wondering the worst now re his hospital stay next month.

I'd also like to get some personal things out of the house we shared while he's away but don't know how to approach him on that. Legally, it is still my/our house, but I am afraid how I'll feel being there again after seven months out.

I wish I could disconnect, but despite all the things I've read about detaching, it's not working real well for me. Even thinking about the many unkind things he did to me over the years doesn't help. I don't know what will.

Well...one thing to consider is your living arrangement. I can't remember - are you living with your mother? Is it possible for you to move farther away? Maybe some physical distance would help. Maybe you could move both you and your mother farther south. It's a thought. Florida caters to the elderly...

Another thing to consider is that divorce is like death. I believe I've read in different places that it takes about 2 years - 2 years of getting through holidays, etc. to feel more accepting of all of it. It could be, that you're just expecting too much out of yourself too soon.

And the third thing is to go over in your head worst case scenarios. Lets say he's in the hospital. So...you go and let yourself in to get your things. What's the absolute worst thing that would happen? Are people going to pop out of closets with handcuffs to cuff you to the banister, telling you that you can never leave again? No. Is it likely that while he's away you would move all your stuff back in? No. Of course not.

You'll be okay. Take a friend. Make plans for after you retrieve your things. Dinner out, dinner in at your place, or whatever, but plan the whole day out and don't make the visit to retrieve things as the primary item of the day. Just a quick stop to get your things. Period.

Once the divorce is done and the legalities are taken care of, his care lined up, if it were me...I'd think about moving farther away - to start over. Really.

Hi

We're already separated by 300 miles and a six hour drive. Moving isn't really an option for my Mom, as her health is alittle fragile now.

I know what I need to do is accept that I'm going to have alot of emotions for a long time. I'm going to feel sad for H, sad for me and sad for the people affected by our separation/D. I may never get over it totally. And I have to live with the knowledge that he'll be travelling dwon the road of illness alone, quite possibly. I've always been a caretaker and a nurturer, so the thought of this happening to H is very distressing.

I do wish I knew how H was really feeling. If he's relieved to be out of the M -- that might help me get past this alittle easier.

I do wish I knew how H was really feeling.

You could certainly ask him, but you also need to ask yourself why you need to know, ask yourself if it's worth it, and be prepared for whatever response he gives you. I'd do it via email if you do.

If he says more or less good riddance, then you might be able to handle it better. However, what if he says that he's sorry for the past, wishes he could have given you more of himself, children, etc., how will you react? Will you be resolute, or will you run back and forgive him and take care of him until he dies?

He may also express fear of handling his illness without you. Offering his feelings of the impending divorce from a patient's perspective would also be telling.

You could then tell him that you were hoping to hear his feelings from a husband's perspective versus a patient's.

Historically he has been manipulative and plays the MS card; you would need to be prepared for that. I certainly don't want to appear cold and uncaring about his illness, but one can be ill and usually still treat their care-giving spouse with civility and at least some semblance of appreciation.

"...but one can be ill and usually still treat their care-giving spouse with civility and at least some semblance of appreciation."

He had pretty much stopped the verbal abuse, but there was still no emotional or physical connection. That's why I wanted him to try counselling with me.

Just before I left he said he wished we weren't so disconnected -- but I felt like he really wasn't interested in truly fixing things and I was just bringing him down. Mutual shutdown I suppose.

I have to agree, the goal should be indifference to what he thinks/feels, his opinions shouldn't matter. You've been more than kind to him and fair...now it's time to concentrate on YOU. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, esp. to a compassionate person such as yourself, but you can form your focus.

Well, he wrote back with a proposed division of assets etc for the separation agreement, and ended his note saying his guiding principle is to make sure I am provided for.


So he seems to quite nice about all this and I am grateful, but the fact that this is really happening is still very hard for me to absorb. I know I was the one who left, so I should have accepted things by now. But there is a side that still questions my decision and whether it was right. I know -- he is giving me his answer by being so unemotional and never asking me to come back or if we could work it out.

I guess he's just tired of me being unhappy about our M and needs all his reserves just to tackle living with ms. I don't blame him I suppose. He says he will buy a condo and live there with paid help until he can no longer.

It's the holiday time and I feel so lost. Why? The past five Christmases were awful -- I couldn't spend them with my family because over time he alienated everyone, even fighting with my 80 year old Mom. Last year I didn't even get a Christmas present from him.

Now he's playing being nice and honorable and upping my guilt.

Could I have really prevented this divorce? He would never go to counselling and didn't even want me to go to my therapist. How many people just give up on 35 years?

We both had such promise -- well educated, smart, lots of potential for a wonderful life. I'm ashamed of this gigantic failure and don't think total recovery will be possible.

SOrry for venting, but with every step in this process I feel like I've entered somoe sort of nightmare zone.


me 58; him 61
married over 35 years
no affair, just alot of neglect

skyeblue

Without his willingness to get some counseling and make some efforts in the marriage, you would not have been happy, and your happiness does count. Even with a disabled spouse. Your happiness still has to factor in and has validity. The divorce could be stopped, but since he is unwilling to improve things where he can, you would just be getting back on the roller coaster.

A condo is a wise choice, so it sounds like he has given it some serious thought and is making decisions that will work for him. You need to do the same.

My advice is to bolster your old support network - family and friends. Strengthen that network and maintain your integrity by being civil and fair to him. This doesn't mean you have to be enemies. I think that's something you need to remember. You can have compassion and show that you care without being married to the person.

Offer him the same friendship and concern you would show a person who fits somewhere in your life like an old high school friend. That would mean a few cards each year and really nothing more.

If you have concerns but are afraid to get too personal with him, and thus give him the wrong idea, it might be better to talk to his brother. In fact, I think it would do you good to talk to the brother and give your side of the situation. Think about it.

You thought you were marrying someone with whom you would have some semblance of a normal life - and it never materialized. Ask him if he could do the same - give up on love, sex, children, etc. and get very little back. Be honest and tell him you don't want him to think badly of you but understand if he does.

You have to realize that this is like...getting over a death. It's going to take a few years, probably. Stop pushing yourself to process this so quickly on an emotional level. It will probably take a few Christmases, a few Anniversaries to get past before you find that you aren't so enmeshed in the loss.

This may sound um...trite, but maybe now would be a good time to take up a hobby - go to a craft store and buy what you need to get involved in a particular craft. Maybe sit down and list things to do between now and the New Year so that you are busy and focused on helping others. Perhaps this holiday and maybe next holiday too would be good opportunities to do community service - work in a soup kitchen or some other charity. I also wonder if, in your situation which is somewhat unique, you would fit into a grief counseling group. At least you could call some people and talk to the person in charge. If a grief counseling group isn't the way to go, perhaps there is another group that would be a better fit.

Thanks Sooley:

This is like a real death to me -- I've actually got an appt with my IC for Monday. She specializes in grief so I hope to find some ways of better dealing with things.

There's just a lot of loss (for me anyway) to cope with. Loss of long-time home, loss of the M. And it hurts to know H has just let go so easily ( or so it seems). I think of him often, and wonder how he is. Knowing I may never see him again feels so very strange and disorienting.

I would not be happy going back unless he were to make drastic changes. But I really feel he is incapable based on our history. And trying to caregive him while dealing with his intractabilty, would be too much.

Try not to view it as failure, but as a learning experience. For every negative thought you entertain, try to see if you can reform it into a positive thought. Remember, you cannot control his responses or lack of them, only what you are going to do. Create a good life for yourself! I wish you well.

Years ago I had a friend that was going through a divorce and she was devastated. She loved her husband, in spite of his horrendous abuse to her and her children. I remember making her a card (that's what I do) and in it I listed all of the things that are good about being divorced. You don't have to share your Doritos. You can stay up late and make noise and no one is there to complain. You don't have to fix dinner unless you want to. There's no one to answer to if you want to buy that pretty purse you don't need. You can get a puppy and don't have to discuss it with anyone first. On and on and on. I know there's loss, you will grieve each of those losses...but there's also good things, you just have to look for them and make note of them. I know, I've lost a lot of relationships, you do grieve, it is hard...but it will get better.

thanks Kay - I appreciate your posts.

I just finished reading an article that states that if you still have feelings for your spouse then you're not ready for divorce.

Hmmm -- who here wouldn't have feelings for a spouse after five, ten, 20 or more years? I don't see how one correlates to the other. Just because you still love the person doesn't mean you can be happy with that individual.

All of this because I think I do still have feelings for him. Even though he seems to have moved on and I haven't. I went on FB and saw him having a lively conversation with a mutual friend.

Seems like he's fine. I drove by our house the other day and a friend of his car ( a woman) was parked there for hours. Same thing the next day. So he's getting help.

I've asked him to transfer money into my account a few times and he finds excuses or ignores my notes. I also asked him for info I need for the separatiuon agreement. Again ignored.

This is making me sick.

It may be time to get your lawyer to be the intermediary.

Also...may I ask what you're doing there in town? I thought you were staying 300 miles away or something like that?

Hi Soolee:

I was in town to spend a few days with my brother and his family, for a family event. Brother suggested that I might feel a little more at ease about stxh if I drove by and saw that someone else was there, perhaps assisting him.

I'll give him a bit more time to respond, then I guess I'll have to to get a someone else or a lawyer involved.

That's hogwash! According to that statement, even if you're beat on, cheated on, he doesn't work, he's on drugs/alcohol, if you have any kind of humane feeling in you whatsoever, any nostalgia from spending 25 years together, you shouldn't get a divorce! ??? It doesn't take into consideration what's best for your mental or physical health or that of your kids. It doesn't consider if he's bleeding your bank account dry. It doesn't take into consideration ANYTHING, it's just a stupid statement. We weren't meant to be led around by our emotions, why not try using our brains?! Grrr! People like that author make me mad! How stupid to make such a blanket statement! I guess it struck a sore spot with me...

I agreee Kay.

The one thing I'm alittle more clear on is why I'm still having trouble detaching from H. I met him at 18 and married him at 19, so I've spent my entire adult life with him. My whole identity, or most of it, was formed around meeting his needs. Even worse, it was a very codependent realtionship because H was an abuser and I was constantly trying to "fix" him or us. I know no other life.

The fact that he seems uninterested or unwilling to reach out to me to possibly work on the M, as I see other men attempt here when their wives leave, hurts. It's like 38 years meant nothing.

But I guess I shouldn't expect anything else, since our entire married life has been this way -- with me trying to make things better, and him stonewalling an refusing to discuss. I don't think we were ever able to have even one intimate discussion about us and our problems.

It's sad.

Why am I having thoughts of going back to H?

I am really scared about these feelings. Does it mean I made a mistake in leaving? Am I crazy?

I saw that he's been posting on Twitter - something about wishing he could have been with his Mom on her deathbed (she lived in Europe). It made me feel very sad for him.

Maybe I shouldn't have left -- maybe I just should have sucked it up for another 20 years. I thought I would feel happier being out but I don't feel much better than when I was in.

How long do I give this? H hasn't reached out to me - it's like he's moved on. He's neglected me all our married life - no sex, not a whole lot of affection. The history of verbal abuse and some physical abuse too.

Why am I so tied to this man? He is still affecting my happiness, my hope for the future.

He's shown me time after time he doesn't want to fight for the marriage. Why can't I be done?

I don't think the holidays help, so I would consider that even people not going through turmoil are often overcome with emotion/depression during the holidays. There's this push to be stimulated and entwined and involved on a social level, when a lot of people are either going through issues or do not have the personality that will allow that to be done comfortably.

I think it is best to wait until weeks after the holidays are over and the decorations are packed away to revisit this. For now...my advice would be to plan out your holiday - where you'll be, gifts to buy, etc. Stay busy, and maybe ramp up your IC sessions if you feel you need to around the holidays. You can always taper off when you're feeling better again.

Thanks -- I have a session scheduled for next week.

Not feeling quite so desperate this morning -- it was seeing his Twitter post that did it. I have to remind myself not to go there again.

I really have to stay strong and stay out. I'm convinced H isn't capable of being a real husband ( i mean having an emotional connection to me), ms or no ms.

My uncle passed away this week - an uncle who STBX always said he liked. I e-mailed the news to him and asked for a picture file he had of my uncle. I got the file, but no word of condolence from H.

We spent over 35 years together. I left because he would not do anything to work on the marriage -- no discussion, no counselling -- my tears of frustration and sorrow were looked on as a giant Pain in the Butt. So because I left he has cut me off like I no longer exist, or never existed. I guess i was ok so long as I had something to give.

It just hurts so much - I wish I could angry and write him off as he has me, but I just feel so sad.

He always told me this would happen if I left. I guess I didn't really believe it. What do I want? I guess I want some miraculous change in him, but that has never happened in all the years I've known him.

I am stuck in obsessive thinking -- my only move now is to lay this all at the feet of Jesus. If we are meant to mend, it will have to come from HIM.

Hey skyblue,

Remember when he does things like this that he's validating your reasons to leave. He's showing you once again that he will never put you or your feelings first before his own. I know it sucks... just try to keep it in perspective ok? And like you said, give all of this to Jesus; that's ALWAYS a good option IMHO. Sorry you're feeling poorly sky, hope you get some clarity soon and my condolences for your loss.

Thank you Travis.

I'm sorry your marriage went down too. It's a tough time of the year for all this stuff. I wish you peace.

I need some encouragement or something.

In the past couple of days I've been feeling more and more anxious. I guess becaause it's Christmas and I've never spent a Christmas separated from stbx until now. I'm missing my house and all the things I had there that made it look nice. And I even miss H -- the good parts of him. And I'm a wreck over finances and how this is all going to work out at our ages.

How do you get through the holidays when you're feeling like you just want to crawl under a rock? I know fear and sadness are'nt good enough reasons to go back but today I'm not feeling strong enough to go through with it.

Hi skyblue - I hope you got through Christmas alright. How did your session go that you were talking about?

Personalities like his, imo, rarely make good marriage partners, skyblue. They just can't give of themselves. There may be undiagnosed personalities disorders, along with the MS.

You may be unconsciously sending him the message that his treatment/neglect of you was not all that bad, because you feel it's okay to occasionally contact him when it really isn't necessary and willingly subject yourself to his indifference/neglect.

I suggest you cut contact completely and cleanly after asking a lawyer to be your intermediary. The lawyer can send a letter telling him that all communication should be through him in the future. I don't recommend that you explain it to him because the message will lose its purpose if you do.

As an alternative, you could also ask his brother. Deep down you are engaging him to see if he will still neglect your needs like he always did, and unfortunately he does. And of course his choice not to treat you better will hurt you time and time again.

Perhaps you hoped that when you left he would be inspired to look inward and make some changes to please you and keep you. Obviously your leaving was not enough. I realize that hurts a great deal, but you do deserve better. Sometimes "better" doesn't include a changed spouse and a reconciliation. Sometimes it just means how we treat ourselves.

Hi Soolee:

Thank you for your post. I did get through Christmas but it was tough. At times I felt sort of outside of my body, if you understand. Just a strange feeling like I was on another planet.

My IC says that since I was the one who left my H doesn't owe me any kind of response, or any help in advancing the separation proceedings -- that I will have to push things along and not in any way expect his cooperation or conciliation. She also gave me some exercises to help me cope with my anxiety and obsessive thinking patterns.

In my heart of hearts I don't want to get divorced, but my heart also realizes that H can never meet my ENs. As you say, he isn't capable. I believe the feelings are there, but stuffed so far down that they're beyond his reach. I have never seen him cry over the death of a close relative or even our pets.

I know that I too am guilty of many mistakes in the M. I tolerated alot of bad behaviour for years, and when I did respond, it was emotional and resulted in alot of muddled thinking on my part. I drifted along, hoping things would get better, and of course they didn't. Five years became, ten, then 25, and then thirty, with nothing ever discussed or worked on. The MS, rather than making us close ranks and get closer, only served to heighten our differences and make the disconnect complete.

I'll be contacting a lawyer next, and trying to move thing along.
I won't be expecting anything in the way of contact from H, and I'll have to work on moving forward as best I can.

I'll keep posting here, because your comments and others really do help -- especialy when I feel like this is just too hard.

thanks.

Me: 58
Stbx - 61

married 30 plus -- separated due to neglect.