It has been a very long time since I posted here. I am doing much better, but I still have some really hard days. My XWH has moved OW into his apartment, so my kids have to spend each weekend with her. I let him know that I will not pick up or drop off at his house now, that I was willing to meet close to his house or midway. He refused and now does all the pick-ups at my house. Yesterday, though, he was driving her car. I let him know that wasn't ok to bring her car to my house (his works fine). He responded that he uses hers more since its bigger and he has to transport kids. I just don't get it! Is it unreasonable that that would bother me? When will I just not care what he does?

BF, are you divorced? From the sound of it, what you are doing is what is known as "renting space in your head" to XWH. As long as you do that, you allow him to control your feelings -- and he probably doesn't even know it (or care).

So, you're doing this to yourself. Stop it!

Yes, you have to interact with him. But for all intents and purposes, he has become a stranger -- just another wonk you wind up dealing with. The sooner you adopt an attitude that reflects this, the sooner you will actually enter recovery and begin being the person you were meant to be!

Welcome back, sorry you're having trouble with your situation.
Fred's right. [I start a lot of posts that way.] Moving on is the only way.

However, I have a similar perspective in that you and I both have kids with our ex and must deal with them on some level every week, or in some cases daily. Quite frankly, it sucks and it's really hard to deal with. It would be so much better if the ex and their dirty little OP would just disappear. And this is from someone who has very limited experience with what you're going through - my xWW is not spending a lot of time with any of her AP's, and minimal of that is with the kids around. I can't imagine your pain.

From reading threads by people in similar circumstances as yourself, and who are much farther out than me (my D was only final 3 weeks ago); I don't know that you really ever "just don't care" what they do? Except maybe once the kids are full adults and you've moved on to another relationship; but even then there are grand kids to share and everything else.

Does it help to remind yourself that their slimy little relationship is destined for failure? That it is based on untruths and secrecy, rather than honesty and mutual respect? You realize that even though they give the appearance of everything being hunky dory (and they will make sure to portray that to the world), there are inherent cracks in that mold from the onset. --Just an idea.

As for him picking them up in her car. I think you'll do well to recognize the things he is trying to do to respect your wishes - he's not bringing her with him (evidently) and he's agreed to pick them up, so you don't have to see the house or chance getting a glimpse of the OW. You don't have to like the car. Did you tell him you think it's an ugly car? (might make you feel better...)

I feel for you. My sitch would definitely be on a whole different level if any of xWW's OMs moved in with her, or even if I knew they were riding in his car. {shudder}

What have you told the kids about their relationship? Or about people living together before they're married (sinful and also a very poor strategy for a LTR to last)? Do they understand the relationship is, was, and always will be an adulterous affair and will never be legitimate, no matter how much they say they "love" each other? Just curious about that.

I hope someone has some better advice for you because I feel I've not done much to help you.

Optimism

Yes, I'm divorced. You have a really good point- I give him so much control over my life and my emotions. I have been trying to heal on my own and I think I just need to ask for help and check some of these thoughts out.
Thank you!

It is hard, but I know he has made adjustments at my request. It's just a car. I hate far more that my kids have to spend time with her, so the car isn't an issue except it forces me to face my reality. I think that I need as much distance as I can reasonably have from him and focus on me. Easier said than done...

bf!!! So glad to see you again!

I'm very sorry to hear your WH still hasn't pulled his head out, and that you had to go through a D, although I remember that's where it was headed last time we "talked."

Sorrier still that you are struggling with your kids being exposed to OW and all that goes with it.

Is it possible to have the kids watch for him out the window while YOU are in another room? So you don't have the visual? Small thing, but might help a bit.

Do you have contact with him apart from when he picks up/delivers the kids? Obviously better to avoid that altogether, if possible.

Fred and opt are right, of course. The "renting space in your head" thing...YOU are the landlord, and you can evict him. Hard when you have to SEE him, though...

And that their slimy (good word, opt!) "relationship" is doomed...just a matter of time, but I get that you are beyond taking him back anyway. Do I remember that correctly? So much the worse for him when this slimy thing crashes. I've had SO many friends over the years, devastated by their H's A's and the ensuing divorces, who had zero interest in the XH's sniveling attempts to return a couple of years after the fact, when the fantasy bubble shattered. Consequences.

Wondering, how has all his nonsense gone down with his family... friends? And more importantly, how are your kids faring?

Hoping you can manage this trigger. And for an update on what else is going on for you.

((((bf))))

BF, it is quite common for WS/XWS to do things to provoke a reaction out of the BS. He would love for you to get upset, cry, cuss him out, get angry or whatever. That way, he can complain to everyone about how crazy and unstable you are and he's just a poor little victim of your craziness and the breakdown of your marriage had *nothing* to do with his wonderful OW . . .

This is very, very common. Watch for it. It's no accident and no coincidence that he does stuff like drive her car to your house to pick up the kids. It's meant to provoke you. There will be more of the same.

Thanks, RHW and Mulan! I feel such a different person today! I'm used to the up and down, but today I feel a little peace, too. The time leading up to the divorce and after, I really pulled away from here and from other supports, but I think that just allowed me to continue to use xWH as a barometer of what is healthy and normal, without trusting my own feelings and values! That makes is so much easier for me to stay focused on his life, not mine.
I have a wonderful life without him - I redid my house, I took the initiative to change my job within my school to what I REALLY wanted to do (and its fabulous), I spend lots of time with my kids and I have two pugs now! I am working on having more, healthy friends, but I just miss being in a relationship. Not dealing with that feeling can make me look to what was and romantize it, but if I am total truthful, I love my life right now.
The roller coaster continues and I think I need to remember that even though my xWH had an affair doesn't mean I need to stay on his ride.

Thanks for the update, bf. Your life does sound good, and I'm happy for that. (TWO pugs! ) Glad you've bounced back, and feel peace today.

Those down times seem to be par for the course, whether they come post-divorce or during recovery. Been there myself. But they don't pack the wallop they did during those dark, early days, do they?

You always had such a good hold on your selfhood...I remember being impressed by that when you were going through the worst of it. It will continue to be your guide and your strength.

Warm wishes for what lies ahead.

Bestfriend439,
I read your last post and had to smile. Our situations are a bit different in that my D has no R w/my XH who adopted her after we married. I never have to see him again if I choose not to and will finally do that soon I pray.
I say had to smile because you posted how I feel as well. I'm pretty happy w/my life but do miss being in a R. I think it helps to see your own issues in someone else's life b/c it makes you understand that what you are going through is common and that you aren't alone in that respect.
Funny that you said distance in essence whitewashes all the junk. It really does. The old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies. Sadly, it is just whitewash though.
I have to keep reminding myself of the fact that I don't want to be in a R w/someone who would cheat on me... period. There's really no excuse for that.
You're young (although you may not always feel like it) and have lots of happy years ahead of you.
I'm not one to really give much advice, mainly b/c I can't seem to take it, but do take this one piece of advice from someone who has wasted precious years looking back....
... move on with your life. I was 38 when I married my XH. I have wasted 14 years of my life on a man that loved me so much he was unfaithful multiple times and was such a good liar I never know when to believe what he's saying. Yet, I still remain attached and still allow him control. Don't you do that. Life is too short and too fleeting.

Do your kids know that the OW had an affair with their dad?

How are they with this?

If they don't know what happened they need to.

Yes, they know. They are distant with her and tolerate her. He blames me for that.

Posting this last thread has been very helpful. I rarely break-down any more, but I was still 'renting' space in my head to WXH. He has wanted to maintain a friendship with me and be with OW and has expressed that it is my failng for not accepting that.
I have had an email exchange with him today re: pick up and drop off. I have told him I will not come to his house since it is now her house. I have offered to meet close to his house, but he refuses the idea of a 'neutral location,' because he thinks it makes him look like an abuser?

Anyway, I have been firm on this. I also did a lot of reflection over the past few weeks about the car issue. Its not about the car, its about how he wants to do whatever, including meet with me to talk about the kids, etc, and I want to do it, but its not healthy for me at all! I needed to just distance myself from him further. Keeping him too close to me just hurts me and I choose not to suffer because of his choices.
So, he's not to come into my house; I rarely talk to him; we communicate via email re: the kids or schedule. Its been like that for a couple of weeks and he is pissed, but I feel better!
I know that's what MB has always encouraged, but I thought I could handle more contact with him, plus it fed my need to see him, etc. I don't need to, nor do I want to and that's huge for me. I hope this trend continues!!

Oh, no he doesn't. No way should this ever be allowed. He's trying to have in divorce what he wanted to have in marriage: Both you AND his OW.

No wonder you are suffering.

Please read the MB thread below:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

"Plan B - it ain't just for married folks anymore."

I'm aware of that, but I tend to discount that knowledge and get caught up in his logic. Also, because what I thought we had, I jump right in there.
I think I am getting what he is right now (the car thing just sort of drove it home for me), and there is no point to have him in my life.

Reading that thread was so helpful! I have been guilty of inviting him over for bdays, first day of school and most recently, picture time for DD14's homecoming dance. I would just spiral down for days afterwards.

In the emails today, he alluded to things I do that he doesn't think are appropriate, but he never let's on to the kids out of respect to me. I asked what I could do differently, very respectfully, and he would not say. He ended it with that he would share if I met with him, but not otherwise? Doesn't make sense to me...

I would strongly advise against meeting him, but also inviting his commentaries about you in general. It sounds very manipulative to not communicate something unless he has access to you. But on a larger spectrum, his comments (via email) should be regarding specifics about the kids. He lost the priviledge of communicating an opinion about you the moment the marriage unofficially ended. Unfortunately, the same can be said about you commenting on him to a degree. Although trust me I understand. Just keep communication about the kids.

Love how they make the fact that the wife doesn't want to roll the other woman into her life and kids lives out to be a personality flaw on her part. Waywards must all be reading the same book!

Geez, its been a hard week! I think it is just the holidays, but I have really struggled with feelings of loss this week. I miss my in-laws, I hate planning for Christmas with my exwh (re: the kids) and I even miss him.
He told me a couple of weeks ago that he and OW are engaged and plan to be married 8/2011. He wanted to meet with me and I just said no, I had plans, just tell me what he needed to tell me via text. He did. I didn't really respond, just said, OK. Its been a little hard since then, but I was really proud of myself for not responding to him. He sent me texts throughout the day, asking if I was ok; offering to talk -- it just sort of struck me as sick after awhile. What makes him think he can be a support to me? I just don't get it.
I am also catching myself beating myself up because I am not dating -- I don't even want to, but its just hard to be alone sometimes. How do people get out of one relationship and immediately go into another? I don't seem to be able to do it. Bah, humbug. i think this holiday will be hard because last year we were still married, although separated.

He needs you. You still meet needs of his.
He wants to talk to you, he wants to interact with you.


You either need to go all out and win him back. You could become the "OW"...meet with him. Go all out Plan A. Just like back when you were dating. Do you want him back?

If you don't, cut him loose 100% and let the affair fail because you are out of the triangle. Give yourself some peace.

Perhaps the worst advice ever... He's marrying someone else regardless of whether she's the OW. Sounds like a terrible idea guaranteed to wreck havoc on just about everyone involved including the OP. The latter advice sounds a bit more sound... lol

Travis

I ageree that I its not a good idea, especially for me, that's why I cut back even further on my contact with him. He lives with another woman and is engaged. That is his partner now. If he truly has a healthy relationship with her, there are no secrets, but I'm guessing he keeps his conversations and texts with me private.
I could create havoc in their relationship by spending more time with him, but again, it would only hurt me more. I'm better off limiting my contact with him to issues with our kids.

The holiday was ok, just a little exhausting to host on my own.

Again, bf - he's doing this to make himself feel better about dumping you and wrecking the family (see what a great guy I am? I try to support my XW even though I threw her away like trash), and most of all he's doing this so he can have a "fantasy divorce". You might want to look at that link again, on the first page of this thread.

You will feel much better if you get an intermediary for the kids and have NO further contact with him.

Does his girlfriend know he's contacting you like this?

I don't know if she does, but I'm guessing so. I had an intermediary previously and that was helpful at the time. I didn't do a plan b very well, but in the past year I have incrementally distanced myself more and more. I don't see him or talk to him anymore. He is not allowed in my house; I do not go to his house to pick up the kids. We communicate via text and email re: the kids only and I am ok with that. Even when he was texting 'concern' I didn't respond with anything other than 'I'm fine,' or nothing. For the past two months, I have done better with distancing myself.
I just wish I felt really content in my life, not still a sense of loss. I know this is a long process -- just 'keep calm and carry on!' That quote by Winston Churchill is my favorite right now.
I will reread the thread, thank you Mulan. I always feel better when I post here...

I have been reading quite a bit on the 'Surviving an Affair' forum and I almost wish I had started my thread there! The reason I posted here is, I thought, 'well, your divorced now - no hope of recovery, so I guess this is where you belong..'(note the self-pity!)
Buuttt, what I realized is even though I am divorced, I am still recovering from XWH's affair. I am more of a BS than a newly-divorced-lady-on-the-prowl... That makes me laugh just to type that!!! I am so not on the prowl, its not even funny!
Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes I beat myself up because I am not in a different place, but when I read through some of the threads, I am reminded of what I have been through. I am also reminded of how far I have come, too!
It has been pretty cold and snowy here in Ohio and I really miss having a partner when I have to take care of my kids all on my own, but I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I feel overwhelmed; I feel proud (for what I do accomplish) I feel lonely; I feel excited about possibility. Its so amazing to me to feel all these things and still feel good about my life! All of this without my XWH -- I guess I didn't need a wayward after all. I think I am better off alone, than dealing with his craziness!! Ooh Progress!

Hey BF!

You have come a long way!! I remember posting to you quite a bit when you were in the thick of it. You seem to be doing very well for yourself.

If you are starting to want companionship then get yourself out there and meet people! You have a lot to offer! There is some lucky guy out there right now that doesn't even realize that his life is going to change for the better when he meets you. No big rush to find him but I think it's time for you to at least test the temperature of the water. It's a healthy thing for you to do.

Just my 2 cents.....

Thanks, mindshare! I have gone on LOTS of coffee dates, but I realized that I just wasn't ready. I made a couple of very nice male friends, though, so I have some nice guys to go out to dinner with or help me with house projects. Just no romantic interest there for me...
When I think about getting involved, I think about how much it hurt to lose someone. Not the best mindset, so I guess that just means I need more time.
I am going out tonight to see a band that plays 'latin-inspired surfer Christmas" music -- who knows, maybe there will be an interesting man there. That's got to attract an interesting crowd!

Be careful with this BF. You could be right about needing more time and that is fine. However, if you let your fear of getting hurt again prevent you from putting yourself out there then you may never find that happiness and that special guy. We are all afraid to get hurt. I know I am. But, I also realize that if I don't run that risk then I'm destined to be alone and lonely. That is not the way I intend to live out my life and neither should you.

No big hurries, but don't let your fear paralyze you either. He's out there. I hope he finds you sometime soon and you are brave enough to let him get close.

Enjoy the fun music tonight!!

You really want to meet (nice, if very chatty) men? Start watching Star Trek, preferably TNG, like I have.

They'll swarm you.

But... but... but... then they'll want to assimilate you!

Thanks, everyone! I have had a couple of really wonderful weeks with my kids and family and friends. I am truly blessed!
The only direct contact I had with XWH was on Christmas when he came to get the kids. I took out a box of gifts that were for his family the next day. I have always given them gifts - simple ones and I have no intention to change that. He was pissy! He made the comment, "I didn't even get my brother anything." All I gave to his brother was some cookies and candy, for pete's sake. Truly, not a huge deal, but the exchange was enough to bring me to tears.
I've been reading vivi's thread on the other forum and I was really struck by the convo about plan a or b. I get now, how I cannot heal with contact with XWH. I allow him to define reality for me and he is not fit to drive my bus. Only with continued distance will I truly be able to recover.

I listened to the Harley's radio broadcast today for the first time. It was really helpful - especially the part about not worrying about 'being friends' with XWH. The best thing for my recovery is to take care of myself, and as long as he is with his AP, there is no point having him in my life.
I have also resolved to be more consistent about asking for help. I felt very resentful last night as I tried to do all the chores; kids were unhelpful and, of course XWH, isnt around. I realized I need more me time and that its ok to take it and have it.
I'll post more on this later -- got to get back to work!

Riddle me this... xWH persists at asking if I will drop kids off at his house after I have said repeatedly that I will not go to POSOW's house (they live together). Further, he has asked again if I want to attend teacher conferences with him. Um, no, I choose not to be in the same room with him for my own well-being. Would that change if there is a teacher there? Nope.

Two phrases keep running through my head this week:
A wayward is by definition cruel.
And
I am no more interested in a friendship with xWH than I would be with someone who raped me.

Attagirl, bf439! Stick to your guns. I'm like you -- NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. If you can avoid any dealings with your WWxH, then do so. If you have an intermediary (IM) or can arrange for one, more power to you.

There is no reason to vindicate or validate the behavior of a wayward.

Thanks, Fred! I think I did a lot of LB-early on, from anger/shock and lack of self control and lord knows, my plan B fizzled as soon as xWH said the d-word, but the stronger I get, the darker I go. The darker I go, the stronger I get.
I can't say it enough, plan B is for the BS's recovery!

Uugh.. Feeling resentful tonight. Spent the weekend cleaning, laundry, etc and my kids come home from XWH with attitude. I feel completely unappreciated and lonely. I am ok without a dating partner, but, d*mn, it's so hard to parent alone!

BF,

Please excuse the harshness of the phrase, but you need to "get a life"!!! I realize that chores need to get done but when your kids are away for the weekend with XWH then you should be planning and doing fun things for yourself!! You need to get out and about and live life! I would be sad and resentful as well if I spent the entire weekend doing chores around the house.

You seem to be in a bit of a rut lately. Pull youself out of it!! You can do this! Go out and live life! Look forward to your free weekends without the kids because you have so much fun stuff planned for yourself!!!

LOl! No offense taken - my kids would probably say the same thing!

I almost feel like I did better before the D was final. I was hanging out with friends, going to yoga, meeting new people.
Now, I just don't have the heart to do it. I went out to a show on Saturday (an Elvis-a-thon, mind you) and I just couldn't get into it. I left early.

Sometimes, just getting through the week of day-to-day with my kids feels like all I can do.

I did ask XWH to pick up DD6 right after school on his day, because that will give me one day after work to just do whatever.

I am in a rut -- yuck...

So why aren't you contacting those nice guys that you met on your earlier coffee dates and going out to lunch or dinner? You need to get out of the house! The more you don't live your life the more the depression and sorrow will take over.

I know this is going to sound counter-intuitive, but I think you should start dating in earnest. It has been a year since your divorce. Odds are that you are going to 'kiss some frogs' before you find prince charming. So, why not get the frogs out of the way? I think it would do you a world of good.

What part of the country do you live in? Is it warm or cold in your area now?

I live in Ohio and it is a**-biting cold today! I do still have two of the guys I met in my life. They are good friends and actually take me out to eat and get me involved.

I have been on Match and that's where I met them, but now I seem to get absolutely no interesting matches! I wonder if you are on it too long, do people avoid you like the plague?

Hmm...date in earnest, rather than date because I told myself I 'should?' Interesting concept...

arrghh!! I came home today thinking that XWH would have already picked up all the kids and be gone. Nope. He's in my driveway in POSOW's car -- oh, wait, he's not in the car, he's in my house?!?!?!?

So, I firmly say to him as I get out of my car, do not go into my house. I get reasons ( the kids wouldn't come out, the six year old couldn't get DS13 to come out; no one would answer the home phone, etc).

Guess what? I DON'T CARE!

If he were my friend; if he hadn't detroyed my trust and respect in him, I would not care if he comes in. But he did and I do and he has this habit of violating my boundaries and then making it look as though I am unreasonable.

Whatever.

Anyway, I sent a succinct text afterwards requesting that he try DD15's phone and if he could not reach anyone still, to contact me. It is my house and he needs to check with me. Period.

Will he ever get that I don't want him in my life because he is still a wayward? Will he be wayward forever?

BF, perhaps if you were to change your abbreviations it would resonate with you a bit more.

You wrote "XWH" which to me means "ex-wayward husband." If you were to write "WXH" it would mean "wayward ex-husband" to me.

Which is what you are describing. He is your ex-husband. And he's still wayward.

Whether or not he remains wayward is unknown. However, he will remain your ex-husband. At least unless and until you, he and God have a change of heart.

I think you are right to want no part of him in your life. If need be, see if you can't get someone to act as an intermediary (IM) between the two of you when it comes to things like this.

Then you really won't have to have any interaction with him.

Just my $.02.

Good feedback. "WXH" Got it.

I had an IM a couple of years ago, but I often broke my plan as I thought I was stronger and I could convince him to come home. I was wrong and I ended up feeling worse and probably making his affair stronger.

I have little contact with him for the past 4 months. I recommitted to going darker for my own recovery and I have done much better.

I actually thought he would not have been there, as it was much later than he was supposed to be there.

In hindsight I could have just driven around the block and waited.
I could have sent an email reiterating my boundaries, but I wanted to tell him to his face not to come into my house. My thinking at the time was to 'not be afraid of him.' Not quite sure that is all about -- going to have to explore that.

Interestingly, hearing two days ago that he was at a movie actually bothered me more. Its really hard to not hear about his life because of the kids.

How do people handle being completely dark when there are kids?

One other note, on the positive, I think. I got AAA this fall for the first time to take care of me. I had a dead battery yesterday and it felt so good to know that I had a back up,someone to call and it all worked out!

Nothing exceptional to share (or maybe it is), but I am just having a good day.

A simple, honest, good day.

I think that is worth celebrating, don't you?!

I absolutely agree, BF.

I'm fond of saying "There are no such things as good days or bad days. There are just days. It's what we make of them that makes them good or bad."

So none of the kids want to go to their dad's tonight. I told 6 yo she has to go (bag is already packed); ds13 didn't want to go, so I told him to talk to dad, as the reason he doesn't want to go is OW. I did not want to be involved in that conversation.

WXH has said that he will handle the kids and their feelings re: OW.

Ds13 talked to dad and now none of them are going. I really don't know what to do-- they don't want to go because of OW and this fall out from the affair. I also do want them to have a relationship with him.

Arrrggggggghhhhh!!!!!

I think DS13 is old enough to decide...what state are you in?

Whew, what a nice weekend! Nice and busy with friends!

I live in Ohio.

I think DS13 is old enough, too. He does go to his dad's, he just doesn't always want to go. I wish he would at least talk to his dad about his feelings.

OMG!!! I just realized I passed the anniversary of my D and I didn't even notice!!
I completely forgot and I didn't care at all. Wow! I did not expect that -- I figured it would be a 'trigger' day, but nope, not at all!

What I did do was: I had brunch with a girlfriend, cleaned up the house and I was going to go out for dinner, but I canceled as I really just wanted to stay home with the pugs and bad TV.

And we had a blast...

Wow! Congratulations on not even noticing. It sounds like your timeline is lot like mine except you are a year further down the road. I hope that a year from now I will not even notice, too.

That's great BF, about not remembering that day. I hope that happens to me next year.

You will be suprised how the pain fades. Its is slow, but it does happen!

For me, since my WXH had an affair, staying away from him has been the best for my recovery.

On another note, I have a coffee date on Saturday and I am actually very excited!! I have been on lots of coffee dates and dated a couple of guys more than a few times, but I wasn't ready.
Now, I feel ready to go out and enjoy it!

How'd your coffee date go BF?

It warms my heart that you can feel some excitment in between in your healing.

Oh, my, it was nice! We got together two more times over the weekend! It's nice to be attracted to someone again!

Oh yeah. Do I detect chemistry?



Dang girl!


I've entertained the idea of another partner later down the road, but the times I have thought about it, I keep seeing my husbands face.

Oh forgot to ask....

Wanna tell us more about him?

I know exactly what you are talking about here! I am no longer in the place of mourning my WXH. I was there for about 2.5 years! For me, I couldn't just 'move on' or date someone to forget, I had to be at a place where I liked my life as it was. And I am still there! I enjoy my time with friends, I enjoy meeting people and perusing Match, but if I don't have a boyfriend, I am just as happy!
I used to say to my counseling clients: You are the cake -- partners are the icing. They are nice, but the cake is delicious without it!

I have dated off and on all year, but it has been lots of coffee dates, some dinners, and most ended there or with me gaining a new friend. Now I feel ready to put my heart out there a little and enjoy someone's company on a deeper level. MB has helped me so much!!

There is definitely chemistry, so I am just enjoying talking to someone that I am really attracted to!
He is from Europe, smart, hot, passionate -- all good stuff! I'm looking forward to getting to know him better -- next date this Thursday night!

2 1/2 yrs hunh? How long were you married? Did that 2 1/2 yrs start at d-day, or divorce?




Me too BF. This is what I want. I do sometimes wonder however if a little tinsy weensy little distraction of the male variety every now and then would be a good thing, after the divorce. Probably not. Hunh....can I count the number of single years I had while married? Meaning, we lived separate lives for most of our 17 1/2 yrs together?

Hopefully you'll update us afterwards.

So, has any of the dating been awkward? What have you learned to do and not do since dating again? Bullet points will be fine.

Oh, the dating scene, how I love and hate you all at the same time!!!

No official date on Thursday, but we hung out later in the evening. We continued to communicate and I thought we had plans Sunday, but apparently not.

I think the phrase is: 'he's just not that in to you!"

Life lesson for me: just as in my marriage, I seem to like the other person more than they like me! If I am interested in someone, I am really interested right away. If I am not interested, I am just not.

Another thought -- Match is too much! There are so many options, that how does one decide to take the time to get to know one person you are attracted to? I think for men (I could be wrong) its like being a kid in a candy store. Every day they can go in there, reach out to a few women, line up a date, maybe get SF and then start over the next week. And its all in the guise of 'searching for the right one...'

I have canceled my subscription (again). Time to regroup and self care. I am ready to date, but I am not ready to deal with a- holes quite yet...

Hey BF!

I know what you mean by this statement!!

Hang in there though. You are a 'good catch' and somebody is going to realize that before too long.

As for your comments on Match....try not to be so cynical! I am certain that you are right about there being guys on there that are behaving that way but there are also genuine guys on there that are really looking for a relationship. Don't 'throw the baby out with the bathwater'.

Just keep being good to yourself, staying dark with WXH and good things will come your way.

Was there a communication problem? Or is he just impolite and has no regard for other's feelings? If it's the later, good riddens.

Harley says dating is a numbers game, if you're looking to hook up with a longer term partner. I've noticed that when I think that thought I cringe, and I know why. Because there are a-holes out there and I don't feel like fishing through them. At least not now, it might be kinda fun later. In fact, I'm sure I'll have some great times.

I have to believe there are decent, honest, fun, caring guys out there, because we have some here. I haven't given up hope.



A little introspection might dig up something there. Could be interesting, and freeing.


Are you frustrated that you're not in a relationship? I only ask because of the "right away" ending.

I've decided that I'm just going to have an affair with myself until I can have one with someone else. Why not? My husband is.




I've decided I'd rather hang out in socials settings where I can interact with other people and not date until I've already had the chance to see a little bit of their personality. That'll probably be the norm for what I choose when I'm ready.

Just curious - are your WxH and OW still together?