I'm tired of beating myself up over where everything went wrong. I truly am the one mostly to blame for the breakdown of my marriage. I spent many years being depressed and avoiding my life, via sitting on a computer and ignoring my unhappiness and the unhappiness I was creating in my marriage. I wasn't even aware of it for a long time, but then when I was, I just let it go and neglected to do anything about it.
He had an A 7 years ago. He discontinued it as soon as he told me about it and I went online to seek some sort of mental solace. It did help some, I was hopeful, he wasn't interested. He just wanted me to go on as we were and for me to just let it go and get rid of my unhappiness. I told him I couldn't, my head wouldn't wrap around just forgetting it. I tried to get him to go to MC, he wouldn't. I tried IC, but discontinued going (and probably should've seen someone else).
I left for a year to try to make my head better, and it helped. I went back hopeful that we could patch up our rough patch. We did for a year or so and then my brain went back into self abusive lockdown once again. My ridiculously low self esteem kicked in and I started my crap again with the depression that is always there in it's lull. He was disconnected, just living day to day, just getting through life. We both were.We both enjoyed and loved our kids and spent time with them, but he wasn't connected to me outside of day to day chatter, the occasional "I love you too", and sexual demands (which included odd fetishes that I was never comfortable with, but did because it made him happy, or rather, not annoyed with me). He's been here at my house for the last week and i've been flipping from being angry at myself, to him, to feeling self loathing and self pity and frustration and TONS of regret.
He has been traveling 8 or 9 months of the year for work for the last 3 years. We lived in outside of DC, my family is from Florida. I eventually got tired of being alone, tired of his detachment and resentment and told him that I was moving back to FL to be with my family. I was alone up north with two high need kids, and I couldn't do it anymore. I needed someone with me. He helped me pack the Uhaul and I drove it down here, got a house, and unpacked everything myself. My head is better, it's clearer, I have a better perspective of myself, my surroundings, I feel like people care about me here, I feel loved and like people want to be with me. Something I had been lacking for a long time. SOme of it was his fault, some mine, and some of my having to focus on my kids.
Which leads to this week. We haven't filed for the D, we're working on the logistics of everything. I'm uneducated, have no training, as I've been a stay at home mom. When I left, I was more prepared to go it alone, but I guess I wasn't prepared for everything. I had been going it alone for 3 years while he traveled, except for now I had my family with me to offer their support and kick me in my butt when they see me isolating myself. Then he came down here for Christmas. I saw my children's joy in seeing him. I stared feeling guilty about their loss of him. I started feeling my own sadness about them having to be involved in what is now a mess. I feel bad that I'm losing someone who was my absolute best friend. I'm mad he's moved on and has a girlfriend. I'm mad that I started with him with NOTHING and he now makes $150k a year and some girlfriend may become his wife and benefit from it, when I was the one who was deprived with him and supported him through everything he did to get there. I praised his successes and comforted him in his failures. Now I can't. Now I have to readjust EVERYTHING, and I'll probably be a stronger person and a more self reliant person when it's all done. I'm just not ready for it right now. Or as ready for it as I thought I was. I want to curl back up in him and cry and say I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough and let's just go back to being a family! But it's not going to happen.
Gonna hit the therapist soon. It's LONG overdue. If I had done this 10 years ago, our lives probably would've been vastly different than this current situation. And I'm also taking him to the airport today and hoping his flight isn't canceled for a 2nd time. I can't do another day with him here while I'm trying to wrap my head around it all.
Sorry for being so long winded. I guess I had to purge and get some advice from someone who is fresh off of the divorce boat or someone who could X bash with me and make me laugh a little lol.
Thanks for listening,
This sounds like my old story in some ways except I was the one who had the affair. All I know is divorce will probably not help you now. You will be more depressed . Also, at 36 it is not easy to find love again. Is there anything you can do make him happy so he can leave the girlfriend for good?
I can't stop the divorce and I can't lay down and die, so I have no other choice but to go forward and get better. Depression kicked my @$$ long enough, and now that I'm alone, I can't let myself be like that. I realize the err of my ways...now.
As far as finding love again, to be honest, right now I am not interested. I don't want to feel the pain of disappointing anyone. I did it for almost 20 years and I don't want to deal with it again. Maybe find a FWB, but not a full blown relationship. At least for a while, maybe. I don't know. It's hard for me to think about right now. Obviously, I need to be mentally healthy before I go make another man miserable lol.
TTP, I am so sorry you are here. I wish you had found Marriage Builders years ago when this was salvagable. It could still be salvaged if your H got on board, though. Do you think he could be motivated to drop the divorce and save your marriage if he were convinced that it is very possible to restore the love in your marriage?
And sadbear, please don't post to newcomers who come here for help with Marriage Builders unless you are familiar with the program. People come here to find out about Marriage Builders, not our personal opinions.
I can't stop the divorce and I can't lay down and die, so I have no other choice but to go forward and get better. Depression kicked my @$$ long enough, and now that I'm alone, I can't let myself be like that. I realize the err of my ways...now.
I am not surprised you have been depressed for years. Your marriage never recovered from his affair, you have had to raise 2 special needs kids alone with an absent husband and have made sacrifices in your marriage [unpleasant sex acts]. You have endured ALOT so depression is not surprising.
Thanks for the welcome, Melody. Thanks for "listening" too. You're right, the relationship is absolutely no longer salvagable. I think in the end it will be a good thing, but right now, especially while he was here, I just felt the weight of 20 years of loyalty and work on my shoulders, even if half of the years ended up not being the best years. The last 3 years have been very unpleasant, mostly because of me. It wasn't an abusive relationship, it was a subtly neglected relationship that I think we both thought would magically heal itself. It didn't. Lots, no, heaps, of resentment was flowing all over the place. We were never unkind to one another, but both saw it falling apart...and let it. I think we both knew that we had been on this path for quite some time, but loved our kids so much, and knew how much they needed us as a unit to just dissolve our lives as we knew it was just not what we wanted for them.
I told my boys tonight about the D. It broke my heart. I have never felt such guilt and pain for my children as I did when I had to look at my 13 year old and tell him that, not only on top of his own 13 year old hormonal emotions, that he was now being hit with ridiculous crap that his parents were throwing on him. I didn't think my autistic son would understand, but he does. He's been crying for hours and keeps begging for his father to come home. He is rarely able to communicate himself as far as his feelings go, or making people understand what he understands, but he kept saying how his father went away and sobbing. He adores his father. Both of my boys know how we were united in parenthood for them and they felt very secure in their roles and in the roles we played for them. I'm so terribly sad and feel guilty for my role in their unhappiness right now. I didn't think my little autistic guy would grasp the concept, but he is absolutely fully aware and heartbroken over it.
I hope their perception of this situation lessens as they age. I hope they're okay. I'm doing my best, and I'm glad that he's gone so far away, so I can't reach him. I might throttle him if he was closer (not really. I visualize it, but would never consider it lol).
I didn't think these gambits of emotions were going to come along when he came here. I think a lot of it had to do with him getting in a new relationship. I want to think that my self who I thought of without my (now stbx) husband would want my kids to like the person who they would spend summers and some holidays with. Right now, I'm just angry at both him and her for being happy together. I spent 20 years trying to make him happy and he's happy right now and I don't want him to be. I want him to be as sad and regretful as I am. I don't want him having arms to comfort him. He wants the papers filed, not me. I have my children here to comfort me, but no partner for it. None on the horizon. *self pity alert*. I would rather have my kids than some person who I might fail or succeed with, really, so maybe I'm not unlucky?
Anyway, rambling again. Thank God he left, because I am tired of the emotions he has stirred in me, even after a week.
TTP, have you ever thought about launching a serious attraction program to get him back?
As a side note, I got my brother and my 20 yr old autistic [aspergers] nephew tickets to my company's suite at the Rockets game tonight. They are there right now. He is so excited!
He had a major meltdown last week, though, because they did not give the money away on Wheel of Fortune one night. He gets very, very upset when Pat and Vanna don't give all the money away each night.
Does your boy have any favorite shows?
He said that Pat and Vanna belong on Santa's naughty list!
haha Too funny!! Yes, my son has a variety of shows he loves. It's Blue's Clues at the moment, but it varies between different (mostly) preschool programs right now. He gets so connected to them and communicates himself via the shows, or what the show is saying.
When someone leaves, or he wants them to leave, they "go to college" like Steve did on Blue's Clues. When Steve left the show, he "went to college". His father is now "going to college". Gah!
I love special needs people and their lack of complexity and when they surprise us when they don't "need" as much as we thought they did! My son surprised me a few weeks ago when he said my muffin I was trying to pawn off on him as a cupcake was gross, when I know he loves cupcakes, but he knew that what I was eating was a healthy muffin and he wanted no part of it! Cracked me up and surprised me yet again!
Oh, and no, he's rock solid in his decision. He's one of those people that when he makes up his mind on an absolute, there is no changing it. He has a very high genius level IQ and is kind of spoiled by it, and when he makes his decisions, he will stick to them thoroughly.
On a side note, with his genius level IQ, he also has been diagnosed with schitzoid personality disorder. This was approx 10 years into our marriage. He almost got kicked out of the military and had to have a psych eval to see if he was psychologically okay for the military. They deemed it so. It didn't work out so well for the marriage, but it goes brilliantly with his career.
I'm sure you made your mistakes in the marriage, but nothing you did ever justifies his past cheating and his current cheating. Any guilt you feel is pretty useless, and won't help your kids. Regardless of whether your H chooses to hang around or not, you have the choice to do what you feel is best for you and your kids. If you still want your marriage, then read up on things you can do on this site. It may fail still, but you won't regret it, and your kids will know that you didn't quit on what you believed in.
If your marriage does fail, then you get the oppurtunity to start over. Living on your own has a lot of value in itself, and there actually probably isn't a better time in history for a divorced person to find love again when they are ready for it.
You can't do anything about the past, but the future is bright regardless of the path you end up on...
Focusing on two special needs kids and dealing with the reprocussions is something I can definitely relate to. You neglected your marriage, probably. But neglecting yourself was probably the biggest mistake. And if you're doing it, it still is. You seem to have the motivation to change, and that's good. Now you need the plan. I mean both long term (education, mental health, etc.) and day to day (a jog, haircut, reorganizing a closet, coffee with friends). You gave me some very good advice for a newbie. Let me give some back. 1st, consult with a lawyer and tell him/her your focus in the settlement will be to have the means to get back on your feet while providing for your kids. 2nd, get regular childcare arrangements for after school and evening hours. Don't look into just one option but have multiple sources: local respite care providers, paid sitters, family and friends should ALL be used. You can't provide for your kids, or even a mate (new or H) without first providing for yourself.
Best of luck. Off to take my own advice now...
Thanks, FPM! I did see a therapist yesterday! WOW! What an eye opener this guy was/is! I loved it! I guess I met my psychotheraputical match! I'm really looking forward to more sessions with him. We talked for 3 hours! He made me understand a lot of what has been going on in my life. lol Needless to say, I was extremely enthusiastic and feeling lighter when I left the office. I'm still feeling better!
This morning I have a JOB INTERVIEW! It's not a great paying job, but it's a job and I'm going to get it... or I hope I am! heh. Okay, I'm very hopeful :P.
I have not looked into respite care. I am just afraid to leave my younger guy with someone I don't know
. However, my sister is a neighbor and has offered to help me with before and after care
AND! I have a buddy who is going to assist me on where to go to get registered for school!
Everything is happening at once, but I feel good about it. A little nervous, but it's a good nervous. I feel like my life is blossoming...finally. Hope nothing gets in the way!
I am feeling tremendously better since seeing the therapist and also about getting the job interview. I'm feeling like I have the option to become self-reliant and not depend on him financially. Or have him hang over my head _again_ how _he_ went to work and _he_ earned all of the money and _I_ did nothing.
Well, I'm doing something and I'm going to become the best version of myself -- without him!
Also, I'm starting to think about dating. We've been seperated since last June. Before that, it wasn't like everything was real. I sort of lingered around waiting for him to say whether or not this was really happening. It was, I had just been in denial because of all of the changes that were coming with it. I didn't want my kids to feel it. I guess telling them was sort of a release for me. I told my son it was okay to like someone his father dated or if I dated someone and he liked them. I told him I probably wouldn't date in the near future and he told me I should. Go figure...
Anyway, things are looking up
Incredibly annoyed today... I stomped on my own toes and I'm irritated with myself (and him) now.
Went snooping around to see what STBX was up to...just being nosy. Ugh, really shouldn't have done that. Now I know he spends hours on the phone with his GF and texts with her all of the time. Also that he's turning into a Whole Foods and fresh market kind of shopper. This is from a guy who smokes 2 packs a day, used to only drink coffee or Pepsi, and had a philosophy of "food is only calories, what food you eat doesn't matter". He has been working on changing into someone else for the last 3 years. I guess it's working. I guess I wasn't part of his "new you" plan. Or that's how I'm feeling right now, anyway.
Ah, well, screw him. One step forward, 2 steps back today. Thankfully, I'm a relatively resilliant person, so maybe I'll sleep off my irritation tonight!!
*rips hair out*
I am employed! It's very new, being that today was my first day, but I have high hopes! I am quickly acquiring the needed training and succeeding (or I think I am!) that I need to do the job. Big big confidence booster! Such a huge change from a husband who doubted every word that came out of my mouth or every movement that I made, or criticizing every misstep! It helps me see that the world doesn't expect perfectionism from me, only that I can do my best and if I do well, that's awesome, and I can keep getting better! Unlike before, where anything that wasn't perfection = failure.
Also had talked to the therapist tonight. He's a coddler, and to be honest, I like hearing it. Maybe because I spent too long with someone telling me I was doing it wrong while I was down, it's nice to hear someone say, "No human is perfect and you are imperfect, and that's okay". And finding the realization that imperfection is okay, but give it your all and if you don't succeed the first time, just try again. It's like I'm paying the guy to be a cheerleader for me, but it does make me feel good when I leave. It's good conversation, good insight. I like him! He makes me think and reassures me that I haven't given myself credit where it might be due. Which gives me confidence.
I talked to my therapist tonight about how I want my process of thinking or caring about what stbx does to come much sooner. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of wanting him to be connected still, like I am. I'm moving away from it, but I want my ship to sail faster. He reassured me that I can just ride it out and when the time comes, it will be there. Just allow the process to occur. Kinda sucks, I hate dwelling on something that is out of reach to me, but I also wasn't happy in the marriage, so I guess I just have to sit back and let time heal this wound, which kind of sucks, but will eventually not and I won't care. I am just not liking the in-between. I want to not still love him. I want to not care if he's with a girlfriend. I want to not want to care for him. I want to feel a comradere, but in no romantic sense. I'm really sad it's come to this point, but I can't make another human act on my whims or wishes and I'm coming to grips with it now.
Anyway, just venting...
Congratulations!!! That's huge. Been trying for a year to find a decent job and still no luck. I know that has to feel good! You're well on your way!
Thanks, FPM! I put a very honest "I have no training, but I'm capable!" type ad in the resume section of Craigslist. I got 3 real emails back from it! I got a couple of "I want you to be my sexy secretary" emails, but... lol. But I found a job with NO qualifications or training and I'm making well above minimum wage and will have health insurance as well
Let the D paperwork begin!
You're raising two kids who are on the spectrum alone. You have loads of training, in many skillsets.
That may be true, but unfortunately, it doesn't transfer to paper when writing out a resume.
But I am getting loads of training on different software and different billing now. I'm defintely sticking with this lady. She's fantastic! I really like her! I see a future now. Before, I just felt like I was damned to a future, but now I'm looking up. It's amazing how depression can rule your mind and make you feel worthless. Even if you know underneath that you're not, the depression just sits on you like a weight that you can't get out from under. I'm sad to be working and to have lost what I did (my husband, my best friend), but I have to keep going and I'm going to try to make the best of it.
I think we'll be filing on Feb 1st. It's going to tear me to bits, but I have no choice. He doesn't want me or our family unit anymore, so what can I do other than protect myself now?
Not having a good day. Depressed! Kept dreaming of STBX last night. I was so resentful of his absence when we were married, but really sad about everything going kaput now. I feel financially unstable and it scares me. My job doesn't pay well. His pays well, yet he is trying to whittle it down. He's earned his money, yes, but it's unfair for his children to be deprived because he wants to waste money on overpriced items from special food markets. I'm just on a low today and I'm really mad at him.
Those dreams are a b@#ch. I still have them. OK, the finances, the hardest part for me still is just accepting that I am no longer financially stable while doing everything I can to change that. You will be broke. If statistics are your norm, then he will be better off financially after the divorce, you and the kids worse. It IS unfair. Yet you still have to accept it. Same thing happened here. Mine makes loads of cash but shorts us on child support. Unfair. Stewing in the resentment happens, but eventually you will be at the point where you are ok with the new financial norm. And then, when we both pull ourselves out of it and are stable again, we will have earned the right to be incredibly proud of ourselves. Best of luck!
Thanks, FPM. Same to you
I'm sick of missing my husband. I wish all of this wasn't happening. I hate it tremendously. I dream about him constantly. A song reminds me of him. It's like I can't escape something that I have no control over and I can't fix it right now. I keep trying to look up and be positive, but I keep having moments to where I have to step back, or a dream about my husband, and I realize that I'm living in a life that's foreign to me. I hate change. I hate my best friend being lost to me. I hate him threatening my future and haunting my past. I wish I could just move on, safely and securely.
You wouldn't be "normal" if you didn't have those moments. Allow yourself to mourn the death of your marriage and way of life. Cry it out, think about him, for a bit, then call a friend, your therapist, journal, take a walk, go out for coffee... The point is, confront the pain, then respond to it accordingly. It does suck, it will get better, but it's a marathon, not a sprint. One baby step at a time.
Try reading a good book on the topic. I found the book: 'Divorce Sucks,' by Mary Jo Eustace a hoot during a very difficult time. Her husband left her for Tori Spelling.
I may reread it myself. Am hating my own new way of life these days: broke and no desire for any of these very nice men I've been casually dating.
So I was just going over my cell phone bill. A bill that STBX/XWH and I share still because of contractual constraints...and because I am nosy and I still have a tendency to rent him space in my brain, for whatever dumb reason.
Apparently, the poor ignorant new GF likes to listen to him go on about himself or he likes to pretend like he likes to listen now. Who can say what is in the mind of a new and improved X/WS? He's reinventing himself and abandoning everyone and thing that was in his path or past before.
I find myself annoyed by this, but also sympathetic because he has been unable to love himself enough to stick with liking the person who his core was. He didn't like himself enough to be at peace with his life. I'm resentful that I was the [censored] that got wrapped up in it and got my feelings hurt. *rips hair out*. But I'm going to walk out of it and I will make a new and improved version of the self I always was, and that's good! I just have to be patient and wait for it to happen, which is the part that sucks! But it's also a good motivator!
Oh, and valentines day is coming up. SCREW YOU VALENTINES DAY! A day for love. He'll likely be hanging out with his new girlfriend in his new fake life and I'll remember "oh, today would've been 18 years we were married".
I'm slowly coming out of this, but I would still love a free crotch shot on him on quite a few days. Just a swift kick to alleviate some frustration. Is that too much to ask?
But I'm going to walk out of it and I will make a new and improved version of the self I always was, and that's good! I just have to be patient and wait for it to happen, which is the part that sucks! But it's also a good motivator!
This too shall pass, I like your screen name, I keep reminding myself of that. I'm hoping by Valentine's day, some of the shock will wear off, and you will surprise yourself with how far you've come
I wonder if my H has loved, and is loving, his core. His present actions do not reflect what he told me his past values were.
And I second this sentiment....
SCREW YOU VALENTINES DAY!
The last time I went to a shop with valentines stuff, I was thinking that too. Since this will be my first valentine's day alone, I need to come up with something to do that will keep my mind off the day.