Hi all,

I've been posting on the surviving thread for about 6 weeks now. I think it may be time to post here.

My husband told me that he wanted out of the marriage. After much shock we talked and he admitted that there was someone else pulling him out but that it was over and he wasn't willing to try.

I exposed to family, friends and his work. That just made him angrier. He hired a lawyer and told me that I'd better get one too. I did but I haven't met him yet. WH hasn't filed the necessary financial forms to have the paperwork sent to my lawyer. I guess he's done some though because I saw some of it downloaded on the computer but I couldn't pull up what it was.

Anyway, he's been out of the house since Dec. 8th. He has been angry and malicious at most every discussion or meeting we've had. Not sure why he feels the right but oh well.

We have one child who he is seeing but doesn't take over night and sometimes doesn't see at all.

Any advise from those of you who have been where I am? We just bought a house, been in just a year. He seems to think that if he pays me child support, I should be able to stay in the house. I don't think I can afford it. We are both teachers so we make about the same income. I've heard about settlements where the WH has to pay child support and 1/2 mortgage but my attorney hasn't said this will happen. How do you know if you have a pitbull for an attorney? Mine just seems to want to get me through it as cheaply as possible. I on the other hand want to make sure that my child and I are taken care of. How do I know what to do?

He keeps threatening me with harassment because I wrote OW a nice letter on FB asking her to leave my husband. Then I wrote the exposure letter to work. He keeps telling me that I will have consequences and when I ask him to tell me specifically what those will be he answers harassment.

I talked to an MB counselor and she advised me to send him a letter of hope before Plan B which she helped me write. Problem is that before I got it to him, the exposure hit the fan. Now he is calling me insane and crazy and questioning my ability to parent. I'm not sure whether to still send the letter. I've asked but haven't heard back yet, I'm sure I will though.

Any suggestions from those of you who have been where I am?

Sorry for all the confusion and chaos Soblue.

I'm sure you've probably already heard this on the SAA forum, but you really shouldn't listen to the threats and bull that comes out of an angry wayward's mouth. He may do whatever, and when/if he does, you need to try to respond in a mature and responsible way. Easier said than done, I know.

As far as what you can afford....have you sat down and figured up all your monthly expenses and come to a figure you'd need from him to stay in the house and continue to raise your children? Once you do that, you can take the guess work out of it. If you both can afford that, great. If not, you'll both need to rethink about getting housing that's cheaper.

As far as attorneys go, the only way to know if you have a good one is to ask around to as many people as you know to get recommendations. It's definitely scary picking someone who can make or break your future. Sometimes, we just have to research as best we can, and pray for the best outcome. I don't think too many people walk away thinking they've "won" when it comes to divorce. No one wins.


I don't know what to tell you about sending the plan B letter. I hope that others can help you with that. I know that mostly all waywards go ballistic over exposure though. I'd talk to the MB counselor again to see what she thinks.

Thank you for your words of support!

Hang in there.

As for attorneys, in my experience, pitbulls are great if the STBX has money. Otherwise, they are notorious for racking up their own bills and dragging things on and on. Mine was a pitbull but my settlement was lacking. I owe her over $20,000. I would have done better to take his offer. No one wins financially in a divorce. Since he is conceding custody, you both make about the same which takes alimony off the table, and child support is per state guidelines, I would negotiate as much as you can with the rest of the settlement and property between his lawyer and yours. Get recommendations and never replace my advice with your lawyer's unless your gut tells you your lawyer is off base.

Harassment, questioning your ability to parent.. all standard stuff. It's only harassment if the party to whom you are communicating asks you to stop and you do not. I don't believe anyone can insist on their behalf unless your target is a minor. You ruffled his feathers and he's reacting. It will get worse. You need to expect it and remove yourself from his line of fire as much as possible.

Do you think a Hope letter will help? I would recommend plan B! No contact. No more coming at you. My best guess is that he is involved with someone else despite what he says.

I'm sitting here feeling very sorry for myself tonight.

Kids are busy and I'm alone. I miss him sooo much. When does that part get better? I want to hate him but I still love him so much. He was my world. He hasn't looked back, not sure why I am hanging on.

soblue

I'm right here with you tonight. STBXW is out with her friends and I'm guessing is drinking and partying tonight. I am lonely as well. Here I am at home with my daughter worried to death about finances and how I am going to make it through this without having to file for bankruptcy and she is just going about her life without a care in the world. Well, her only care right now is that this is all my fault, yet she is the one wanting the divorce and putting pressure on me. I'm just reacting like I have been since the day she filed. Not trying to hijack your thread but it sounds like you and I are in a similar phase....both of us still hurting, both lonely as heck, both wanting and dreaming about the life that we use to have with our spouses, and yet the other side refuses to reciprocate. It's tough especially on nights like this. Right now I think I need to just pop a sleeping pill and wake up tomorrow hoping for a new and better day.

Cardman,

We made it through the night. One of many to come. Feeling a little better but yes, I am still wanting what I don't have anymore. Someone to hold me, talk to me, sleep with me and walk the dogs in the morning with. I am also very worried about the finances and what is to come. It's hard to be hopeful when there is so much going on that is negative. Hope you had an ok night.

soblue

soblue

Went back and read your original thread above. Amazing. We are both teachers as well. Just built a house 2 years ago. In this economy not going to be easy to sell. Wish I had some advice for you but our situations are very similar. Im not 100 percent sure about another man being in the picture but I know of one EM that I exposed last summer. I get the threats, etc. as well. None of them have come to fruition but when you are emotionally attached to someone threats hurt nonetheless and will upset you. I wish I could offer up some suggestions on how to detach from the situation better but I have been unable to do that.

I guess many of us are in the same boat. It's not easy and my wish for us all was that this site wasn't necessary. I think maybe we're addicted as well to our ws. Maybe in time we will heal but it sure hurts a lot getting to that point. I had another bad night but I guess that's what needs to happen to get to the point of detachment. Good luck to us all!

Soblue

Yes, many of us have been, and are in the same boat. We know how you are hurting.

I've had my share of that. It ebbs and flows, some days better or worse than others.

-The first thing that helped me was holding on to the belief that time would heal.

-The most powerful thing that happended to me was just flat out forgiving my husband for the way he hurt me, including leaving me. He was where he was/and is, and I was where I was/and am. The hardest part has been forgiving myself for my mistakes, which included not forgiving him while we were together.

- Lastly, I had to learn to love myself, and I work on that daily. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm closer. The way I learned to love myself, was by loving others first (when I couldn't love myself). Loving others is what made me feel loving, and it has come back to me.

- When the sad feelings come, don't try to resist them. Be with those feelings and they will eventually go away. If you resist them, you're not allowing yourself to heal through them, and they will keep coming back until you allow yourself to feel them and move past them.

I've said this in another post, which I've only heard recently myself....that those whose hearts have been broken, will make the best lovers.

The pain sux but we sometimes have to go through that in order to grow.

Not that this is about your husband now, but if your husband really cared about you, he'd want you to take care of yourself, and feel love for yourself, and others. I think my husband would want that for me.

If he were ever to come back, he'd see that I took care of myself and our children.

Is there anyone out there that counter sued for adultery in the state of Massachusetts? WS told me last night that he has filed the paperwork for divorce. He told me that my email to OW and the exposure letter that I wrote forced him to move up the timeline. It's been two months. Yeah, that's a lot of time huh. Anyway I am trying to decide if it is worth it or if I should just put up the white flag and try to move on with my life.

The cheating and lying husband thinks you're just horrible.....lol....

Yeah, exposure ticks them off everytime. Having a slutty affair can be a bit embarrassing and makes them look bad, so they counteract by trying to make you look bad. He'll paint you all kinds of ways to whoever will listen.


No one can answer that for you but you I'm afraid.

Have you gone into plan B? That's a great way to clear your head, away from the drama, and think about what you want to do.

Btw....I can't answer your question about filing in your state. You may be able to google specifics about divorce laws in your state.

Yes, the man thinks that I am the worst person in the world. He hasn't even begun to understand the pain the devastation he's caused. I don't think I've even begun to understand the depth of emotions that I'll be feeling. Someday I'm sure I'll feel the anger, right now it's just despair. I truly wonder how I can love a man who is so cruel and selfish. I hate myself for loving him.

Thanks for your support!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I suspect that you don't love this man. You love the man he used to be or the man you wish he were.

About your attorney.

Take $300 (and you financial paperwork) and get a second opinion.
See if the second ones advice (and I would go to an atty with a "reputation").

See how the financial/settlement advice matched up to what your atty is doing.

It does not bode well that you are worried about your atty's position - at this point.

Trust me, even if the advice is 100% lock step with your current divorce strategy, it will be the best three bills you ever spent.

I agree that you shouldn't beat yourself up. I understand because I did it too. He took advantage of your good nature. That's his problem, not yours.

Use this time to learn from this. For me, I know I didn't stick up for my boundaries like I should have. That's on me, and I have learned from that.