Just passed the one year mark (Jan 27) of D-Day- when I discovered a FB mssg from another woman and (now ex) WH walked out.

I don't have to tell any of you how incredibly painful and drawn-out the discovery, hoping for reconciliation, divorce and healing process has been...but I have done it! Since that time I have strengthened my relationship with God, received a big promotion at work, got what I was asking for in court, kept my house, gained new friends and am now seeing a really good guy who loves to go out and do fun things with me. Life is good and I feel better than I have in years.

Ex WH on the other hand still lives in the same rattty apartment he moved in to when he left, walked away with nothing in court and is still on the same dating site he's been on since he left. He and I only speak of issues that have to do with our daughter, and that is very brief and to the point.

Last night out of the blue he sent me a txt saying, "I know a text is a weak way to say this but I don't know when or how else to...so I want u to know I am very sorry for all the pain I caused u."

Completely shocked me and for some reason has made me feel like crying?

The first time in one year (and LOTS of water under the bridge) that he has acknowledged his actions affected someone besides himself.

I haven't responded to him yet and don't know what to say???

Is this a typical thing waywards do?

Hi Sidney,

I've heard that a lot of WS attempt to "reconnect" at some point -- usually past the point that such a reconnection would make any real sense or difference.

Partly, it's a means of absolving THEMSELVES from the pain they've caused. At MB, we learn that words don't count, ACTIONS DO.

It's kind of like the alcoholic who apologizes for doing something atrocious under the influence, but who continues to drink, anyway. Their thinking is that the apology washes away the atrocious behavior. It does not.

It's not been my personal experience, yet. But I have been advised by many that I should be prepared for the eventuality that WW will attempt to make contact. I do not wish this, and so I will continue to remain in Plan B.

You need to make your own choice, but my experience in this regard has been that breaking Plan B only serves to cause ME harm, and benefits nobody. Certainly not the WS.

Yep, it is a weak way to offer an apology for completely destroying something that is supposed to be treasured, even sacred.

It's also a lame way to do it IMHO.

This is a very "vague" apology...because he really isn't owning up to what he did. He is only saying that he is sorry for the "pain" he caused you, he hasn't actually apologized for what he DID.

Agree with all the above.

I have some compassion for him though. He is where he is, and he'll be stuck there until he no longer is. Maybe he likes it there.

It really sux because it's hard to tell if it took courage for the waywards to make even that small apology, and that's just all they have at the time. Or if it really is still all about themselves and assuaging their guilt.

If he is anything like my wife admitting that he is wrong in any way, shape or form would be a monumental event!!!

I've actually thought about this happening to me at some point. I think my response would actually come down to whether or not I want her back. If it gets to the point where I have moved on, I wouldn't even respond. Right now, I would try to talk to her more about this and attempt reconciliation, although I know that would be very hard.

My suggestion:

Do not respond.
He texted his feelings.
That remark requires no response.

He is sincere in his FEELINGS. Aren't we all?

He may not (yet) have the gumption nor the backbone to back up his sincere feelings with actions.

There is a little bit of "poor me" going on here too.

My opinion:

Do nothing.
Wait and see what happens.

Thank you all so much for the feedback.

I took all your advice and I did not respond at all to his text. However, there has just been an interesting new development.

I just received a text this morning from him that he has checked himself into a mental hospital for major depression!!!
I actually had the thought after his apologetic txt that he almost sounded suicidal. He said he hadn't done anything to hurt himself, just felt extremely depressed.

This script has written itself out just as predicted!! I'm not a hateful or vindictive person so I really get absolutely no personal joy at all from any of it. In fact I want nothing more than for my daughter to have a stable father. Still, a family has been torn apart from his selfish actions. The rest of us have moved on, yet he seems to be stuck in his self-made pit.

Such is the consequence of sin.
There is a way out for him.
Hopefully he will get the help he needs now.

Be silently supportive.
Put XWH in your God Box.

At first I thought maybe you guys were a little harsh, that maybe, just maybe he was sincerely sorry and apologizing and I thought it would be good to reply "Thanks" and leave it at that. But then upon hearing you got a second text saying he checked himself into a hosp. for depression...my take is different. I would definitely NOT respond!

His situation is his to deal with and his alone, it is not yours, you don't want to make it yours. If he is feeling depressed or sorry for himself that's something he needs to make his way out of, it's NOT your problem. Can you block his texts?

I'll go one step further than kaycstamper: I'd put a block on his phone number, or if that's not possible, get a new phone number yourself.

There is no way he should be able to contact you at his say-so.

You should refuse to accept his messages. If that's not possible, you should refuse to read them.

Harsh?

Not as harsh as what he did.

Well his mother called me and turns out he was actually suicidal the night he sent me that apologetic text. She has asked me to go to his apartment and remove his guns so they are out of there before he is discharged home from the hospital. (she lives out of state and cannot be here to do it).

I don't think I can really put a block on my phone because we still have to communicate about our daughter. He hasn't contacted me at all (yet?) as far as wanting to talk to me or to be there for him- so far it was just to tell me he was there and wouldn't be able to get our daughter this weekend as planned.

What an odd situation. And yes Pep, the consequence of sin.

Sidney,

DO NOT let him have your daughter right now. Please. Not saying this to scare you but seriously, if he is even remotely suicidal then he needs to get his stuff figured out before he is allowed to see her.

Sidney, please don't go there and get his guns. I think you should call the police to help with this.

I don't like the sound of this at all.

I'm extremely concerned about his ability to be with/take care of my daughter right now. I have no idea how long he'll be in the hospital or what will happen afterward?? I just pray they diagnose him and get him stabilized on meds (I've long known he's Bipolar(undiagnosed) with possible personality d/o).

I'm having a friend who's knowledgable about guns go remove them from the house. I just want them out of there, especially if/when my daughter goes back to his place.

His mom said she thought part of what triggered this was the 'one year anniversary' of him leaving as well as a tremendous amount of guilt.

I agree. You may need to see a lawyer, but you ought to be able to get some kind of temporary order set up immediately with visitation resuming based on the advice of his psychologist and/or psychiatrist beginning with supervised visitation.

I totally agree...do NOT get involved by going into his house and removing guns, I would seek immediate legal advice and contact his doctor...have his MOM contact his doctor AND the police! Usually the police temporarily remove guns from suicidal people. He needs his visits temporarily halted with his daughter too or at least supervised.

I do feel like I need to know what's going on with him as far as diagnosis, medication and safety! Plan to talk to his mom this weekend.

He called two nights ago to talk to our daughter and when I answered he said, "It's kind of strange to hear your voice, after I've been talking about you all day today in therapy". He went on to say that he had a lot of regrets about walking out and the way it all played out. He said he wished he had done things differently and tried to talk to me and work things out instead of just leaving. Said once he filed for legal separation and then divorce things kind of snowballed and just moved along so fast without him really thinking of, or dealing with it.

So he basically said now he was grieving the loss of our marriage and that's why he felt so depressed.

He did the talking and I listened and responded very little to what he said.

It was all kind of strange and almost surreal. It was also sad as hell. Not because it changed how I felt about him or I would EVER consider reconciliation, but because it was all just so damn predictable.

I know many of you rec. not having any contact at all with him and I certainly don't plan to talk to him about anything except to make arrangements about our daughter, but I do not have any regrets about allowing him to apologize for what he did.

I've said it before, I do hope I get one of those calls someday (not where STBWXW is in a mental hospital but....). I don't think it is wrong to listen to it. Believe me, I just want my WW to apologize. Just know that what she is doing is wrong. Still won't happen though and if it does it will be "I'm sorry for this but you made me do it."

Anyway, back to my original point. I would still ask for some type of doctor's response to the situation. A letter saying that he is ok to see your children, etc. Just because he is ok today doesn't mean he will be tomorrow.

Sidney, if he's admitted himself to a psych unit, then he probably won't be able to call out to anyone for a certain time period (24 hours, 72 hours, etc.) He may have put his mother on a contact list which is how she is getting information about him.

I think you were right to have the guns removed for the safety of your daughter. You should go to the court as soon as the doors open and ask for a temporary order regarding visitation. If he's depressed and suicidal then he doesn't need to be around your daughter right now.

I wish every ex I ever had felt sorry for what they did...I don't want to hear from them about it, just want them to feel sorry.

wow, this is insight to what i will probably be going through at some point...i hope that you will have peace of mind through this and rememeber it isn't your fault, he chooses his own actions.

Hey, if you mean me, I have total peace of mind! It all gets better with time...

So? How's the patient?

The patient was discharged home on Tuesday. He was prescribed an antidepressant as well as an antipsychotic (one commonly used with Bipolar). He has follow-up appointments with both a therapist and a psychiatrist and he's supposedly going to attend a support group for depression/bipolar. His mom is with him for the next week.

He text me again the next day saying he was 'broken and confused' and didn't want to stall my healing but would be willing to talk to me and answer any questions I might have about him leaving. He also said he's considering a career change because his job is 'too much' for him. (he's a Marriage & Family Therapist!!!)

I haven't responded. He always was so good at projecting his own 'stuff' onto me. My healing is just fine!!! But since he's struggling he assumes I am too.

Is it cruel to blow him off like I have been?

ummmm, well, that is for you to decide if it is cruel to blow him off now, but I think it deals with where you are at in your healing. My WxW tried to talk to me tonight about her "feelings" and why she had an affair and I had to just cut her off. I was nice but I did tell her flat out that I didn't really care. I can't allow myself to care. She needs to do something on her own for once! Besides, she has OM to care about that stuff now. Not me.....

However, a year from now, I cannot say what I would do.

KC summed up what I was thinking in the above post, however.

Leaving our daughter's teacher conference's he cornerned me in the parking lot (DD was not there) and thanked me for 'helping him out' while he was in the hospital (not sure what I did other than get his guns out of his apartment and kept our DD on his scheduled weekend).

He then said he wanted to apologize for how he handled things when he left last year. "My heart was f'd up and I didn't know what else to do. I hid things from you and lied to you. There was no affair but there might as well have been".

Still denying an affair? Fogbabble? Whatever.

SidneyT, I browsed also through your original "husband blindsided us" thread and I must say that you have to cease the contact with him somehow. Take it from me as from outside viewer - this "apology" looks like some kind of sick game to draw you back into the mud. And the game seems to escalate - this cornering in parking lot gives me creeps, it's like some movie with psycho husband involved.

You must get out.

who is in possession of the weapons today? I hope you gave them to his mother.

Larsony, transport of stolen goods. .. If this turns ugly -- it can turn real ugly.

Yup, agreed!