Hi Everyone,

I am so mad right now. I haven't even lurked here for a long time. My husband had an affair for our 20th anniversary. I went through all of the emotions; pain, guilt, sadness, hopelessness, etc..I had to know every details like a woman possessed. lol He asked me to stay and work it out and because we had children and I knew from the pain that I was feeling that I still loved him so I stayed.

The first year of so was good, he seemed like a changed man and I thought well, maybe his affair was actually for the best since it helped us do a lot of mending. After that every year, there was backsliding. More arguments, more snide remarks, etc...on both sides. Then teenage hit our oldest daughter and that was it. We could not communicate because he wanted everything his way, he could dictate who she liked, who liked her etc...He became more and more verbally abusive with the children and I. I quit my job 3 years ago and have been staying home with the girls. It was fine at first and then he started complaining about everything, the girls, the house, me, his job...

Anyways, I could go on for days but to make a long story short. He is starting a relationship with a co-worker (older, I am 50). But, what it taught me was that I don't care. Didn't hurt, it just pissed me off because I am sitting here with no job and he thinks he is getting everything since I am just a "taxi." Yesterday, he wanted to use my car to get a title loan so he could move out (with my oldest daughter). I said no and today he flipped out on me because I bought milk, eggs, cheese, bread and a chicken for me and my youngest daughter (and for his brother who is visiting and staying with me).

I am worried about the money aspect and the job hunting aspect and I am most worried how he is using our oldest daughter (16) as his "wife" wanting her to house hunt, pack his belongings for him, make all the arrangements with the new landlord, just because he works 8 hours a day.

I am excited about the prospect of getting a life back, being able to rebuild myself and getting away from the depression that was our marriage. I gave him many chances, he has one full fledged affair (that I know of) under his belt as well as at least 2 that involved kissing or inappropriate touching. I just found out last night that he tried to kiss my biological sister when she came out here to visit me a couple years ago.

Cathy

Hi boobyprize, I am sorry to hear of your trials. It sounds like your marriage never recovered from the first affair and here you are again years later. What a tragedy. The only thing I can suggest is to expose the affair everywhere so everyone understands why your marriage is breaking up. This will also prevent him from bringing the OW around his family. Do your kids know about his affairs? Is the OW married?

Hi Melody,

It has been awhile. You have been posting here for a long time and I know you have a lot of knowledge.

No, the OW is not married. While they haven't progresses to the affair stage, they were in the texting stage (he never texts), meeting for a drink after work (supposedly with someone else) and kissing. I heard there were rumors about them at work because they were so Chummy. I guess the rumor is that either he would bring her food every night or she would bring him something. The term I heard to describe her was "needy." Honestly, I could care less at this point. I am so over it! I am only mad at myself for giving him a second chance and then being a stay at home mom, so he can feel he has power over me.

I called her and told her that he told me they were involved and she said no and hung up. I called back and left a message saying their relationship was inappropriate because of his marital status. My husband said I was harassing her. I texted her the next morning and told her I didn't blame her and that this was not my first rodeo with him. I also mentioned that their are two sided to every story. That is all.

He told me that it is all my fault because I didn't do what he told me to do (regarding our 16 year old) that we didn't have a relationship and there is nothing wrong with it. I think this is a repeat of what he said last time, so evidently, he did not learn his lesson.

My oldest said that all men are cheaters and this just happens. She has chosen to stay with him since he is letting her do whatever she wants and even buys her hookah and has smoked it with her. She also has her own floor and her own bathroom. The younger one want to spend every weekend there since he moved down the street from her friend. So, basically, they don't see anything wrong with it and they are taking advantage of the perks of living in two separate homes with two people that are not communicating.

Guess I should add my tag
Me: BW x 3 +
WS: 2000, 2002, 2009, 2011, Sex contact, affair, tried to kiss my sister, kissed coworker.

By the way, he doesn't kiss me...

Separated, SAHM seeking job, then divorce.

It is probably not in your best interest to get a job now while you are seeking divorce. I would file for divorce, get him out and get as much alimony and support as possible. Will he get out now of you ask him?

P.s. In many states it is best to file on grounds of adultery. It puts you in an advantageous position. As far as blaming you for his affairs, that is ridiculous, but you should take responsibility for volunteering to be abused. You have stayed around for this for a very long time.

This is about the saddest thing I've read on here in awhile.

Did you guys ever do the Marriage Builder's course or get any coaching? I went all the way back through your posts and couldn't find anywhere that you talked about actually doing the program. You've been here a LONG time! Was your WH open to MB? Did he post too?

I am sorry you find yourself in this position AGAIN. I agree with Mel though, your best bet is probably to go straight to divorce because it sounds like you're married to a serial cheater.

Stick around and post on the divorce forum, those guys can help you through it.

He did move out, sort of. He rented a house on Friday and has had our eldest daughter (16) packing and moving with her friends. WH made one trip. I think he should put his big boy pants on and do it himself because it isn't fair to put her in the middle like that, but he is only thinking about how everything is for him, how it effects him, what he wants, how much power he has etc...

He is going to be super pissed when I ask for the keys.

You are right and I do take responsibility for sticking around. I was always looking for an excuse of why he did what he did, abused as a child, low self-esteem etc...and probably because I felt that I was getting the best that I could. I wanted to believe that he was sincere, that he made a mistake, that he learned his lesson. My bad, I seem to be a slow learner but really I am just not a hater and I tend to get over things sometimes, if someone treats me nicer for a while.

We never actually did MB because he never accepted that it was his fault. I have been going to counselling of and on since 2002 and he has not once. He just says he is fine and I am the one with issues. (That should have been a clue right there!)

I had a consult and I need a retainer of $2500. Too much for me, with no income and what little we had my husband cleaned out to pay for 3 bedroom house he just rented. I am going to hit up the law library this week and see what I need to file and how to do it and if it is feasible to do it on my own. If he does what he says and pays the house payment, bills and give me $100 a week for my youngest daughter and me to have food and buy gas. It is probably more than I would get filing...but I also have no access to food stamps or other assistance until I file. I have never used any assistance and I would like to try not to.

Thanks for your support

Actually, I think, with you not having a job, he has to pay the atty. May want to see how that works.