Hello everyone,
I haven't posted since 2009 or so when I made the discovery of my stbxh's affair. Since our separation in January 09, the OW left her husband two years later and moved in with my stbxh over a year ago. I filed for divorce in June 2011.
I have hired a good divorce attorney and also filed for Chapter 7 BK. I make more money than he does and is requesting Spousal Support as well as is trying to file an Objection to the BK petition.
It has been enormously difficulty during the past 3 1/2 years. I have had a lot of family and friend support but now the affair is well known and folks have come to accept it as "ok." I am at a point where I no longer want to fight with him. I am exhausted and just want to end this whole ordeal. He is too far gone in his love affair and our marriage is dead. I tried everything to restore the marriage but to no avail. I found it was more important to save myself and my sanity. I realize what narcisstic persons he and the OW are and the purpose of this post is to get anyone's opinion on whether or not it's worth continuing to fight the issues in court as this is a no-fault State and he is entitled to support or if I should submit and pay him alimony. There comes a time when you want to just cut your losses and move on. Thoughts?
Welcome back.
I would go into a dark Plan B and stay there.
How to Plan B properly Let your lawyer do all the contact and only communicate with your lawyer.
Get a good, strong IM
IM Training School
Thanks CAT. Much to his dismay, I've told him that I've started going out. I have decided that I'm going to do this slow and easy. I decide. I have found it satisfying and warming to be with others that appreciate my company, my conversation, and just me. I am making sure I get what I need. I am making sure I can give back what is given to me. It is givingme a chanceto assesswhereI'm atin relation to the damage that my ego and self-confidence has endured and I'm rebuilding. I am as transparent as they can manage but I'm loving this process...not easy but definitelyempowering.
Is it true that you were dating before your D was final?
the purpose of this post is to get anyone's opinion on whether or not it's worth continuing to fight the issues in court as this is a no-fault State and he is entitled to support or if I should submit and pay him alimony. There comes a time when you want to just cut your losses and move on. Thoughts?
If I were you, I'd do whatever it takes to get the divorce over with quickly. If you fight it, you may end up spending more in attorney's fees than you would save by getting out of paying alimony. Just make sure that everybody knows you're paying him. Narcissists hate being humiliated like that.
Thank you Kirby. This is the issue that I wanted to address. He is completely fine with getting alimony. He says that he's entitled to it and if the tables were reversed, I'd ask for the same thing. He is representing himself and says I am wasting money on attorneys...I've never seen such arrogance! I told him the tables could never be reversed...and reminded him that in this State, it's all about numbers and not about conduct, so it's unfortunate that he's been married to a good wage earning and devoted wife, because he gets equitable treatment irrespective of his behavior. I was deferring to my attorneys but I truly am worn out and would prefer to simply settle and move on. I just think it will be difficult for me to deal with paying him every month in that it will be a constant reminder of his despecable behavior and how he got away with it. On the other hand, I need to move on as I can't change him. I need to deal with the lesser of the two evils. Your advice was helpful.
Thanks BrainHurts...I did Plan A for almost a whole year (in retrospect, WAY too long and damaging to me), and Plan B during the second year of our separation. And yes, I did date during my second year of separation. Best thing I ever did for myself....
Nothing changed with him....OW left her husband of 26 years too and moved in last year....they're as happy as clams...stbxh didn't file for divorce; I did. He was content with cake eating for as long as I fed it. I payed the bills and stayed alone/lonely for a long time....very damaging. NEVER AGAIN. Now he can't wait to get everything finalized...so eager to get on with his life.....unbelievable but I'm letting him go everyday. Their affair has been going on for 5 years now.
What does your attorney suggest?
Did the attorney go over various scenarios with you?
Good thing you hired a good lawyer to represent you in your case.
**edit**
Hello everyone,
Since our separation in January 09, the OW left her husband two years later and moved in with my stbxh over a year ago.
I'm certainly no attorney but doesn't the fact that she is living with him negate any alimony claims?
Hi Warrioress....just want to let you know that the fact the OW was living in MY home with my WH, it did come into play at our Pendente Lite hearing. My atty put the OW on the stand and asked her contributions. They were NOTHING but a few groceries and dog food. Then asked if she were seeking employment. She said not yet. Then, they went back to my WH and asked him if he believe he didn't owe me any support when he tossed me with an income and bringing her in with NO income and he said "Nope". This was Virginia. But, I ended up getting awarded more than the guidelines for temp spousal support. That is where we sit as of now and are in limbo waiting for the house to sell at a distressed sale. BUT, bottom line is did make a difference in support with him moving her into our home without income while tossing me out with income. I'd say fight it.
Thank you everyone. In California, a NO-FAULT State, cohabitation does impact spousal support and in my case, the OW living with him lowered the amount of spousal support he was asking for but I have to pay him anyway because I make 3x more than he does these days. My attorney tried his damndest but the Judge awarded him $850.00 per month...I intend to revisit this in about 6 months and see about having a vocational examination done on him since he has a college education and can supplement his self-employment...he just has no real reason to. But on the bright side, I filed BK alone while still being legally married (so I could use the marital debt to qualify) and he's royally upset because he's opposed to the filing. His argument is that it's morally wrong not to pay your debts. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! MORALLY WRONG? I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS.