Hi everyone,

I was on the forum in 2010 and 2011, talked with Dr. Harley four or five times on his radio program(s), read LB as well as HS/HN, and went through Divorce Care. (Almost as good, I have been employed for a year and a half).

I have all but given up the hope of winning back my WW, who divorced our family two years ago. But I want to maintain Plan B to the fullest practical extent.

My problem is my WW insists on changing our daycare arrangements. I like the arrangement because I don't need to see WW; our DD's like the arrangement because they love the baby sitter and the kids in her care. But both of our daughters start school in the coming weeks. We will pick up the kids at a martial arts academy on Thursday. But what of Saturday evening? Here are my WW's options:

-- A: We alternate weekends at the home of the other parent.
-- B: Exchange the kids at a shopping center.
-- C: Exchange the kids at the new daycare provider (the martial arts academy) even though it is closed Saturday evening and Sunday evening.

I want to keep the arrangement with the babysitter. WW wrote she will take me to court to change it. The divorce settlement said, "The parties will continue their present transportation arrangements for pick up and drop off at the daycare provider until they make other arrangements."

I want to avoid consulting my otherwise wonder attorney, as she charges $200 an hour. Probably my WW doesn't want to pay her attorney either, but her lover might subsidize her.

What does everybody recommend?

What is her reason for wanting to change the daycare arrangements?

Not really sure; she did not give me the reason till four or five emails into our conversation.

In one email, she said she might be remarried in a year and will be able to stay with the kids at home; this has been her dream since we were married.

In the latest email, she said our daughters will develop better with older kids. This claim is plausible. The kids at daycare are younger, and almost all of them are boys. But DD6 is a sweet girl who dislikes aggression.

WW said she needs an answer from me by tomorrow night. She is ruthless, but I am ticked my ex-in laws accepted her lover and our two DD's at their home earlier this month.

What was your posting name before?

I would not agree with putting your DD's with older kids in another setting. Daycare kids are very competitive anyway so your girls would be far better off in their current environment. I would just let her know you prefer to leave them in the current environment. She sounds like a bully, so I would make her do all the work if she wants to try to place them in an unfamiliar setting that is probably not in their best interest.

MichaelJan was one; Michael2010 was another. Figuring out the system took me awhile.

Thanks for the advice. I should have added that DD6 has a best friend from the martial-arts academy/day care. But matches with other kids are not her forte.

One other thing, WW insists on me giving her my cellphone number. I told her no. She was undeterred.

And people in hell want ice water! Most bully WS's demand to be in touch with the BS so they can assert some measure of control. Believe me, you don't want that! If she pushes this, I would tell your lawyer that you are going to keep with a parallel parenting plan to avoid your bully wife. There is an excellent thread over in notable posts on parallel parenting.

Here.
Parallel Parenting

Thank you, BrainHurts and Melody Lane.

I agree with you completely about the phone number and appreciate your advice, which I will take.

Michael,
I'm a divorced dad and I'm also in Limited Contact with ex ww.
My ex also lives with her affair partner and has demanded that I text her, call her etc.
If you like you can post her emails her before you reply for feedback and suggested responses From an objective perspective

JediKnight,

Thank you for the offer. I will take you up on it.

My ex WW insists on talking with me on the phone tonight for 20 minutes maximum. She wants to discuss the pick up and drop off rules for DD4's new school. Will this take 10-20 minutes really? I don't think so. Yet she wrote the school "has a lot of procedure," she can't type it all up, and I will have questions.

I plan to tell her to give me the bare-bones minimum. What do you recommend saying to her?

to forward to your email the link from the 'school procedures' (what a bunch of BS)

or attach the pdf

no need to talk.

First you need to establish the rules.
In business you have a stated policy and them procedures to achieve or comply with that policy.
For example, I sent my ex wife a letter after divorce stating that I will
Only communicate with her via email from a designated email address.
When she sent me a text message and called my phone I had her blocked.
I would tell her what your boundary is;

Then reply: "Thank you, I will contact the school and review their procedures"

Tell her to give you the bare-bones minimum. Tell her you don't care to talk to her any longer than necessary. Tell her to text you instead of calling you.

You engaged in a twenty minute phone call with her because you CHOSE TO. Don't let that happen again.

I would not text or talk to her. I would give her a separate email account to communicate for things related to the children. Have her call your phone for emergency only.

These WS love to communicate and badger and argue. You need to shut her down.

Why can't you get this information from the school yourself? There is no need for a discussion between you two about this as far as I can tell.

I agree.

Maritalbliss,

Actually, I did NOT talk with her. WW sent me emails from the teacher. It worked out.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood. You said:
That sounded like she talked to you for 20 minutes. My apologies if I misread.

My ex-WW may soon be in an affairage. I got the following email message from her tonight:


I don't feel bitterness, wrath, or anger; just sorrow for my two daughters and our old family.

Well, I may be upset about my ex-WW and her AP; don't bad consequences ever fall upon them? But answering that question pales in comparison to the effect they will have on our two DD's.

Now I need to come up with a response to the ex-WW.

I don't want to enable, validate, or rescue her. I cannot condemn or damn her either.

Do you recommend I respond to her email by not acknowledging it, per Dr. H's Plan B?

... I forgot to add context to my post above. My two DD's have been exposed to the AP for three years; my oldest DD, who is 6, has memories of our old family, while the youngest DD, who is 4, does not. The oldest DD seems indifferent and the youngest DD seems to like the AP.

As for the AP, he would be on his second marriage. His first marriage would be similar to this one: He is the new guy coming in to a marriage in which his new wife has children by another man; in fact, his previous wife had one child by another man and adopted another. I sense a pattern here.

My ex-WW and the AP have been together she moved out four years ago, although her initial non-sexual affair began a year before that.

You don't have to respond but I would only because I think the presence of a step-parent in a child's life is a big deal...even if it sucks that it's an AP.

My response would be: "OK"

That's all...nothing more. I think it rubs an exWS when the exBS shows indifference. Many exWSs expect or want some drama. If she sends anything else beyond that, I would ignore it and not respond.

My two cents.

I wouldn't respond or even be cordial to her or the man.
Its bound to fail. They are renters.

Hi Black Raven,

Thanks for your advice! I like it: Give an indifferent response. I may do it.

Before I do, I wonder about sending her an alternate response: "I hope and pray you return to the faith of your baptism."

I am Catholic and she was too before the A. I am sincere in my desire for her to return to our faith, or the Christian faith at least. What do you think?

... Blessings to you persevering through your struggle.

Hi Jedi Knight,

Thanks for your advice too.

I agree: Cordiality, as in "warm and friendly," is not the way to go. It suggests acceptance.

Acknowledging them by their Christian names without a salutation is better.

Don't comment about her religious path.

It will not serve the purpose you think you have in mind.

Have you read the book of Hosea?

Thanks. I followed Black Raven's response and wrote "okay." Ex-WW has not responded in three days. Mission accomplished, I guess.

I am curious. Do you think commenting on her religious path would have both inflamed her and caused her to undermine Christianity with our DD's?

No. I need to, right?

I encourage you to.
God commands his prophet Hosea to take an adulterous woman as his wife.
T he wife leaves her husband but later returns when she says, "my husband treated me better than this man"

Who knows but I would not have made comment about her religious path...she is going to do what she wants. You need to stop wondering about what goes on in her mind...that will just keep you stuck or have a negative impact on your emotions.

What does everybody think of young kids shuttling back and forth between two married homes?

I would like to get married, but worry the effect another marriage would have on my kids.

Getting married to a wonderful and virtuous woman sounds good. But I suspect my two DD's would find it disagreeable, as I would have less time with them.

Already, DD6 is upset about ex-WW's impending marriage and the prospect of living with her AP five nights a week.

Dr Harley addressed this specific issue in the following Radio Show:
(Listen to each segment):

SEGMENT 1:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=5061

Segment 2:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=5062

Segment 3:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=5063

My understanding is that in general step moms have more trouble with step daughters and step dads have more trouble with step sons.

There are no perfect solutions once a FOO is broken.

I just listened to all three of those. That was you Jedi right? Good info there.

Is DD6 upset over the marriage or does her mother neglect her? No one has a crystal ball but if you don't force a gf/potential wife onto your kids and continue to make time for them, you may have a better outcome. I have a boy and a girl. Both my children like my bf...especially my son. They are older than your girls though.

Black raven,

Harley states in the Radio Call posted above that the problems are usually same sex

My bf has a teen daughter and has no issue with me. My teen son has no issue with my bf. Could that change if we married and create a blended family? Idk but we all get along well. We also did not push the bf/gf onto our children either, nor introduced them to each other for a long time...which I think helped a lot.

How does a BS fuse let go of his disgust for the AP? By fusing it for love for his DD's? I should add the AP and the ex-WW have a wedding date set for August.

Here's my situation: I had a slip of the tongue tonight. DD6 admitted she lied to her teacher. She admitted it to the ex-WW and to the AP. She admitted it to me too.

It's not OK to lie to ex-WW, but it's OK to lie to the AP, I said tongue in cheek slightly. DD6 repeated this to ex-WW. Now ex-WW wants to know why I said lying to her step father was okay.

My response: He's not her step father.

I think this response was decent, but other disagreements about the AP will cause me headaches. As one poster said, WS' love drama.

Any thoughts?

Probably my disgust got the best of me. The AP lied to me, broke up my marriage. I have zero respect for him.

Well, publish his picture on www.hesahomewrecker.com...as recently mentioned on Dr Harley's radio show

What is your current custody arrangement?

Thank you, Jedi Knight. I have the DD's Thursday night to Saturday night, with a few modifications.

Would publishing his picture on hesahomewrecker hurt me in court?

Dr. Harley would probably encourage you to have no direct contact with your ex wife.

Why didn't you remain in Plan B?