Divorced 8 years ... I still see hope ... - 03/27/14 05:39 AM
First, I'm not sure just where I should have posted this ... so, let me know if this isn't the best fit.
Well, I first came here probably 7 or 8 years ago after going through a divorce with my wife. I can provide as much background as any here feel is needed, but for this post I will keep it more contemporary.
So, she had lived with and broke up with her affair-partner, then had a boyfriend for a few years and last summer broke up with him. Over the years, we have been off and on contact-wise, but never anything romantic. I had even given her two no contact letters, the latter wasn't even a Plan B, but just flat out: no contact. She contacts me. We go a year without speaking after she leaves town with her boyfriend: she contacts me. Anyhow, she is still out of town for scholl, and after this breakup she is in town and we again get a little closer, and after a few days I decide to ask her how she thinks I feel about her. I was honestly 50/50 at this point, and even now am not 100% certain, but I do want to give it a go and see where it would lead. It has been 8 years after all since it ended. So, I ask her, and I did expect it to go well ... it went, not bad, but I wasn't happy about the outcome. She basically said she doesn't feel attracted to me. She gave some other excuses before saying that also, such as how she was only in town for another week, or how she doesn't think we are compatible any more. I basically said that long distance is a non-issue, and that I'm also not certain if we are compatible. Given that she lives out of state, I pointed out that all I was really suggesting is that we make a point to talk a bit more, maybe once a week or so, and that I couldn't expect her to not date: we hadn't made a commitment. She said it made her uncomfortable to have this in the back of her mind, that I wanted us to get back together. I think what changed that she had earlier in the day said she was going out with a 'friend' before her, a few friends, and myself were meeting up. I knew this 'friend' was a date (seemingly a hook up given that she was only in town for a week), so at the end of our talk I asked her: Is this 'friend' a date? And she, meekly, whispered into the phone, "Yes." I said, "Have a good time, I'll see you later tonight." I'm not sure if this was the best idea, but I did want her to know that I respect her space, and can't expect anything of her at this point. It seemed to do the trick, and things went pretty well later that night. So, she goes back to school, and I get busy so I don't get around to calling her. Low and behold, she calls me to talk about something in class that she knew I have a deep interest in. Over the next month or two, she initiates contact a handful of times, and asks for my help editing a few papers. So I'm feeling that things are going very well. She tells me she is coming to town soon (a week ago right now), and that we should get a party together so she could see all her friends, that we shold go for a hike. So, her brother ends up having a party, and that is when we see each other since she got back. It was a little awkward this time, but awkward in the way that two people who have feelings for each other would be awkward: a little silence, then think of a topic to talk about, etc. Our conversation got better as the night went on, we danced a little, and no, we didn't stay by each others side the whole time. By the end of the party she brings up the guy she went on a date with the last time, and I just openly ask her what's with that? She asked what I meant, and I explained that their worldviews weren't even compatabile, if he's just a 'no strings attached' type situation I could understand: she said that's what it was ... then shortly after stumbled off to drive to his house and knock on his door in the middle of the night. I should have stopped her from driving drunk, but I didn't; mostly cause I had been drinking too and wasn't thinking straight, but also because I didn't want to come off as controlling ... which is a stupid reason. Anyway. Despite that, we've chatted a bit since then, and then yesterday she asks me if I want to meet up for a work out. Again, similar chemistry, although not quite as touchy as at times in the past. Low and behold, she met up with that guy again last night (well, 95% sure), and tonight had a date planned ... with a tourist. And we have plans to hang out together with friends both tomorrow and Friday, before she leaves Saturday.
Now, I'm not interested in any judgement of her actions, I can respect them for what they are; we are not together after all. I get the sense that ... not sure ... she is beginning to consider her and I as a couple again, but is not at the point to take it to the next step, so her hookup is an 'uncomplicated' way of getting her desires satisfied. Also, my financial situation is not the best, and although my prospects are great, it doesn't look certain to her, especially after years of potential gone unfulfilled. Not sure exactly why I decided to come back on here and post, quite honestly ... I just want some insight, or actually I probably just want someone to tell me I'm reading the situation right, and that we are likely to get back together as long as I continue to improve my own life and help develop what we already have. That said, I am completely open to what anyone has to say about this. Also, I'm willing to bet there are details that will probably need to be filled in: just ask!
-StrongAndWeak
Well, I first came here probably 7 or 8 years ago after going through a divorce with my wife. I can provide as much background as any here feel is needed, but for this post I will keep it more contemporary.
So, she had lived with and broke up with her affair-partner, then had a boyfriend for a few years and last summer broke up with him. Over the years, we have been off and on contact-wise, but never anything romantic. I had even given her two no contact letters, the latter wasn't even a Plan B, but just flat out: no contact. She contacts me. We go a year without speaking after she leaves town with her boyfriend: she contacts me. Anyhow, she is still out of town for scholl, and after this breakup she is in town and we again get a little closer, and after a few days I decide to ask her how she thinks I feel about her. I was honestly 50/50 at this point, and even now am not 100% certain, but I do want to give it a go and see where it would lead. It has been 8 years after all since it ended. So, I ask her, and I did expect it to go well ... it went, not bad, but I wasn't happy about the outcome. She basically said she doesn't feel attracted to me. She gave some other excuses before saying that also, such as how she was only in town for another week, or how she doesn't think we are compatible any more. I basically said that long distance is a non-issue, and that I'm also not certain if we are compatible. Given that she lives out of state, I pointed out that all I was really suggesting is that we make a point to talk a bit more, maybe once a week or so, and that I couldn't expect her to not date: we hadn't made a commitment. She said it made her uncomfortable to have this in the back of her mind, that I wanted us to get back together. I think what changed that she had earlier in the day said she was going out with a 'friend' before her, a few friends, and myself were meeting up. I knew this 'friend' was a date (seemingly a hook up given that she was only in town for a week), so at the end of our talk I asked her: Is this 'friend' a date? And she, meekly, whispered into the phone, "Yes." I said, "Have a good time, I'll see you later tonight." I'm not sure if this was the best idea, but I did want her to know that I respect her space, and can't expect anything of her at this point. It seemed to do the trick, and things went pretty well later that night. So, she goes back to school, and I get busy so I don't get around to calling her. Low and behold, she calls me to talk about something in class that she knew I have a deep interest in. Over the next month or two, she initiates contact a handful of times, and asks for my help editing a few papers. So I'm feeling that things are going very well. She tells me she is coming to town soon (a week ago right now), and that we should get a party together so she could see all her friends, that we shold go for a hike. So, her brother ends up having a party, and that is when we see each other since she got back. It was a little awkward this time, but awkward in the way that two people who have feelings for each other would be awkward: a little silence, then think of a topic to talk about, etc. Our conversation got better as the night went on, we danced a little, and no, we didn't stay by each others side the whole time. By the end of the party she brings up the guy she went on a date with the last time, and I just openly ask her what's with that? She asked what I meant, and I explained that their worldviews weren't even compatabile, if he's just a 'no strings attached' type situation I could understand: she said that's what it was ... then shortly after stumbled off to drive to his house and knock on his door in the middle of the night. I should have stopped her from driving drunk, but I didn't; mostly cause I had been drinking too and wasn't thinking straight, but also because I didn't want to come off as controlling ... which is a stupid reason. Anyway. Despite that, we've chatted a bit since then, and then yesterday she asks me if I want to meet up for a work out. Again, similar chemistry, although not quite as touchy as at times in the past. Low and behold, she met up with that guy again last night (well, 95% sure), and tonight had a date planned ... with a tourist. And we have plans to hang out together with friends both tomorrow and Friday, before she leaves Saturday.
Now, I'm not interested in any judgement of her actions, I can respect them for what they are; we are not together after all. I get the sense that ... not sure ... she is beginning to consider her and I as a couple again, but is not at the point to take it to the next step, so her hookup is an 'uncomplicated' way of getting her desires satisfied. Also, my financial situation is not the best, and although my prospects are great, it doesn't look certain to her, especially after years of potential gone unfulfilled. Not sure exactly why I decided to come back on here and post, quite honestly ... I just want some insight, or actually I probably just want someone to tell me I'm reading the situation right, and that we are likely to get back together as long as I continue to improve my own life and help develop what we already have. That said, I am completely open to what anyone has to say about this. Also, I'm willing to bet there are details that will probably need to be filled in: just ask!
-StrongAndWeak